View Full Version : [Fic] A Lost Journal

03-05-2009, 06:54 PM
A Lost Journal:
By. Kyvois

Katunda, Telona 24, 3,957 BBY:

To whoever finds this I will give you this warning. Do not stay here. Do not linger here for too long. This place holds many dark secretes. Knows things about your past that you wish to forget, or may have forgotten. This place with each room will make you relive those events, and even make you face a future in which you fear. This place…. This place inside a cave knows the darkest secrets of all the galaxies. If you do not take this warning then my spirit can only hope that you will not face the same fate as me.

That is what it read, that little tiny piece of paper clenched in its owners hand. A cold skeleton forgotten threw time. The author didn’t leave his name, only a simple warning. A warning that I now wish I had listened too. Now I’m sitting here in a cold damp room listening to the background noise of water slowly trickle down into a self created puddle. This room is completed like the other three before it. Each one changing the way I think and feel. Why? Why do I have to relive such events?

I know to continue on would only bring more pain upon what feels like such a fragile heart. I am not afraid to admit that I have cried, that I have wept at the memories I have faced. I came in cocky and arrogant. I came in with the belief that my heart was so cold that nothing from my past could faze me. I now realize how greatly mistaken I was. This realization itself seems to have changed me, but for the better or worse. This I cannot say until I find the courage or arrogance I came in with to continue on.

“You’ll never make it” he said to me, wearing that all knowing smile so well “No one has come out unchanged. You will be no different.”

I didn’t listen. I refused to believe that a simple cave could change a person so dramatically. But he just sat upon a rock, his arms folded across his chest with that damn smile.

“I am not like everyone else.” I said so arrogantly, having too much confidence in my abilities. Abilities that now seem to measure up to nothing in the whole scheme of things. I walked into the room with my head held high, and my ego flying higher.

He laughed at me as he said “I’ll start your funeral arrangements.”

At the time I didn’t pay him any attention, I didn’t believe he deserved it. I knew what I wanted to accomplish I just never believed it would be so hard. The first room however, was easy enough though a little surprising. Never could I have imagined that this place could create such life like phantoms of people I once knew. There in front of me stood my former master. Looking at me with those eyes. Eyes that felt like they could pierce your soul permanently leaving its mark upon you forever. Over time I grew to hate those eyes, those eyes that could see everything, and miss nothing.

This moment I do remember. It was after my first defiant act against the order. The phantom perfectly matched my former master’s movements, down to that knowing smirk and glare he gave. He stopped and looked me straight in the eyes. It felt like it did when I was a Padawan, him searching my mind for some kind of misleading truth.

“You know what you have done goes against everything I have taught you. So why did you do it?” he said, his voice calm and stern wanting a truthful answer.

The answer I gave was truthful, and I let him know that by letting my confidence show “They would have killed thousands of innocents if we waited. “

He shook his head at me with a disapproving look “If you would have waited, you would have learned about the bigger threat. But your arrogance has cost us greatly. Now a new approach must be taken. I must speak to the council.”

I stood there like I did back then, the idea of playing that pathetic part grew irritating and bothersome. If it was going to be like that with every room I figured my past would have to be altered a little. I drew out my lightsaber, the blade glowed a vibrant crimson color. I snuck up upon my master, ready to strike. As soon as my blade came down to strike him, he drew out his own blade blocking mine. The phantom smiled at me as he pushed me to a nearby wall. The force of the impact knocked me onto the ground. I tried desperately to take in air and regain my stance upon my feet.

“And that is what you wanted to do back then. Strike me down.” The phantom said to me as if it was my old master.

“I was too weak back then.” I replied.

“You are too weak now.” Lighting shot from his hands. The bolts of electricity engulfed my body. I could feel it as it coursed thru my veins, burning away at flesh. But something was changing. I could feel the dark side grow stronger within me, empowering me. With my blade once again firmly in my grip, I struck a deadly blow at the phantom and it faded away. I continued on with my weak body, but my mind empowered more by the dark side, that gave me the false belief that this place would make me a Sith Lord.

03-05-2009, 08:06 PM
A very interesting start here Kyvios. :D

You did a great job of capturing the reader's attention, the words flowed nicely, and you added a classic Star Wars element with the phantom in the cave. *remembers RotJ.*

A few typos such as "disapproval look" should be disapproving look, but that is extremely minor. Anyone who has read anything I wrote will tell you I have numerous typos. I look forward to future installments from you whether they be from this fic or another. :)


03-06-2009, 08:59 AM
(Thank you ^-^)

As I looked around I noticed three doors, each room I assumed containing a different trail. I looked at them, a grin formed on my face. My confidence was destroying my ability to think clearly, to know that wanting to take on all three would be too much. But there I stood thinking that this place was too weak to actually prove to be a challenge to me. I was or I still am a Sith. Although at this point I am not certain of what I am or even what I should become. At that moment I know I felt as if I held the power to make the entire galaxy kneel before me and beg for mercy, beg for its very existence.

Three choices laid before me, each one looked no different than its counterparts. I thought maybe it could have been a trick, some kind of mental game this place wanted to play upon me. Each door could have possibly led to the same room, but that I will never know now. I walked confidently through the door straight ahead of me. It opened on its own as I drew closer to it. The door slowly rose from the ground, dirt and dust falling slowly to the ground. The door sounded as if it was screaming in pain to open, almost as if it was telling me I had made the wrong choice. But that sound, the screaming only brought a smile to my face and laughter to my voice. My defiance was set, my will was unwavering, and my determination to come out unchanged was unbeatable.

The room was wider than the one before, but still a lonely gray color. Who ever had made this place, used the caverns own natural structure to create these rooms. My thoughts were about the next challenge I could easily dispatch with one quick swipe from my lightsaber. If only it could have been that easy, why couldn’t it have been another one of my former masters? Something from my life as a Jedi fool. Of course this was part of my Jedi life, this memory, this horrible thing that I had to endure once again. And in that moment when I saw what I had to face, my courage, my arrogance faltered, it wavered slightly. It was just enough that I think this place knew what it had to do to win this game of pride.

My eyes widened at the sight of who I was about to face. I watched as he walked across the bridge that connected the two platforms. He was always so full of life, always willing to help another in need. An old friend forgotten by many but not by me not even for a second, he was one of those people that left a mark that stayed even when the person was long gone. He was the definition of a true Jedi. He was everything I could have hoped to accomplish but failed to do so.

“My friend, finally you have arrived. You know it’s never good to be late” He said stretching out his arms to embrace me

I pushed his arms away “You know I don’t like to be touched Vren.”

Vren laughed a little and smiled happily. I never understood why he was so happy all the time, it wasn’t until later I found out that reason. As Jedi we were taught to control our feelings, and not express them so they wouldn’t become hazardous to ourselves or the ones around us. But there have been many occasions where ones feelings have actually proven more useful in a situation then keeping them away hidden from sight. We weren’t forbidden upon feeling such things like joy and love. Never could I have imagined back then that Vren had become a father. But I suppose that becoming responsible for a life you help create could change anyone.

I wonder if I had known that back then, would I have tried harder to save him, to be the one to take the killing blow instead of him. I wasn’t as wise back then as I am now however, his life still would have been lost, erased from the memories of the ones he called friends and family. The fact that they were able to move on so quickly after he left was aggravating to me, it felt disrespectful. I was once again losing myself to my anger, this rage that controlled me over his death for so long. There was a voice, it was his voice the phantom was speaking to me.

“Are we going to stand here all day, or are we actually going to move at some point.” He said jokingly, laughing slightly as he started to walk towards the bridge once again.

Could I just stand there and watch him die again? Be a coward like I was back then, was I going to allow myself to be taken back by shock as my friend would be murdered in front of my eyes once again? Before my thoughts were clear on what I wanted to do however I heard my voice yell out “Wait!”

Vren turned around looking at me with confusing “What is it?”

I started my march passed him, to take the lead to be the one that bounty hunter attacked and killed. I didn’t respond to his question, my determination to save my friend was over powering. At that moment I think I started to wonder why I was performing a Jedi act, why did I care if Vren lived or died after all it was a phantom of him. The real Vren died over two years ago, so why did I feel the need to save him now. Could it have been that I felt guilty for not being able to save him? I know that I have always regretted it, always wondered what if things were different. But I know living in the past only means you’re doomed to repeat it. Maybe that’s why I am here now I have been living in the past for too long.

I crossed that bridge first this time my hand ready to grab my lightsaber to kill that foolish bounty hunter. Even though I was prepared, ready to strike when that moment came I was but a statue. The only thing I could do was watch as the bounty hunter landed in front of me thrusting his vibro blade threw my torso. I could feel every inch of that blade as it cut threw my skin, flesh and organs. It felt so real, so life like, weren’t these only phantoms, Illusions? I’m starting to think that they might be something more, this place whatever it may be holds a higher purpose that no one may ever understand.

My strength left my body as the bounty hunter pulled the blade out of my torso. And just like back then he said “Now our game begins” the bounty hunter turned on his jet pack and disappeared, leaving me and Vren in the confusion that was left behind. As I knelt upon the ground, feeling my blood flow out of my body emerging in-between my fingers. The drops of blood fell to the ground, creating singular spectacular splashes. That feeling was something I hadn’t felt in a long time, it was joy, happiness. At that moment I wanted to be free of the life I was wasting, the life that I am now clinging to with desperation.

03-06-2009, 08:20 PM
Awesome, You should publish!!

03-07-2009, 10:39 AM
Everything seemed to move slowly. It felt like I was watching every second pass by as if it were a minute. The voices around me seemed to be slow and blurred. I couldn’t make out what was being said to me, or who was saying it. I wonder if that is how death truly feels, if death itself slows down time so you can remember your last minutes in existence flea away slowly. Darkness started to surround my vision, and the feeling of cold coursed through my body. Then nothing, for a moment I believed I had truly died, but now I wonder if this place just created an illusion of death for me to feel. Created an illusion so I would understand, but to understand what I do not know.

“Stand up. You are not dead yet.” A voice said echoing threw my skull.

Pain coursed through my body, almost crippling me. This pain almost kept me from standing. I realized that I had not perished like I had hope. Or maybe I did die, and this place brought me back to continue to learn. As I stood up slowly I could feel hands upon my arm helping me. I turned my head to the direction of the person grabbing me and slowly opened my eyes. There standing in front of me was Vren smiling with relief at my recovery. I stood up wiping the dirt off my clothes then I turned my attention to Vren.

He was smiling at me and waving as the phantom of him slowly disappeared from existence. My chest hurt again at the thought of losing my friend once more. But there was a sense of relief, of calmness I did not feel last time. Now I know my friend is at peace, happy that I had found some sort of peace within myself. For the first time since he had died I forgave myself, because I know now that I would have died to save him. And I believe where ever he has gone to, he knows that as well and that we will meet again as force spirits.

Maybe that’s what this place is, not a creation of phantoms from my past. But actual force spirits of people who I have lost over my life. But that theory is flawed, because as far as I know my former master is still alive and teaching upcoming Jedi Knights. A cool breeze blew through that room, calm and gentle as it caressed my skin.

“Believe in yourself” I thought I heard a whisper in the wind say that to me. When I walked in here I had confidence in myself, but it wasn’t entirely belief in myself. Since the moment I turned to the Dark side I had doubted my choice, whether or not I could truly become an all powerful Sith. To hide that doubt I allowed my arrogance, myself righteousness to fly higher then I had ever allowed it. And from that time up until now, it had worked I could no longer sense the doubt that now fills my mind. Now part of me wishes to return to the Jedi Order to find more peace within myself so I can do what is truly right for the galaxy.

The second room was done, and the dark side no longer had the stronger foot hold with in my soul. Maybe this place was trying to save me, maybe this place had connections to fate and tried to set people along the right course. There was only one door and that was to my distant left. I stood there staring at the cold grey stone door, my heart racing inside my chest wondering what was waiting for me on the other side. But something deep inside me said that it was going to hurt, and it wasn’t going to be physical this time.

It was strange as I moved closer to the door my heart was sinking within my chest, as if it wanted to close off and hide away. The door opened, but got stuck it was only able to open half way. I got down low to the ground and crawled under the door. As soon as I stood up a blaster bolt flew by my head and hit the wall behind me.

“Are you crazy? Get down” I heard a female voice whisper to me signaling for me to get down and come closer to her.

I looked around quickly, noticing that we were under attack by what appeared to be Sith soldiers. They weren’t force sensitive Sith, but they were Sith the symbol I recognized. The room had two half walls on each side, and two bridges connecting each side to the other one. I moved to the female who was ordering me to get down. I couldn’t see her face clearly at first it was covered by a shadow, but when I got closer my heart felt like it wanted to die right there. Would this place honestly relive that moment? Was it honestly necessary?

03-07-2009, 12:55 PM
This is shaping up to be a very interesting story. You have devised a good way to see into the persona's past - by having them relive it...emotional - and that is good. :)

I wonder who this woman could be, and why the persona dreads reliving that moment. Great work!


03-09-2009, 08:12 PM
(sorry it took so long. I'm sick, so things might be slowed down for a while. Sorry. And thank you for the comments they are very encouraging :D)

I scanned my mind trying to remember if that was the moment when death took someone else. Her face was hindering the search of my mind, her beauty, her passion for life. If only I had been stronger or wiser then maybe…

Her deep hazel eyes that glistened with so much life, her dark brown hair that she always kept tied back revealing the perfection of every curve of her beautiful face. I had always wanted this day to be done over, to make up my mistake to her. Just to give her the chance to know, to realize how fast my heart raced with her presence, how distracted I’d become from my duties just by thinking of her. But she never knew, never found out how she moved my soul so much with just a tiny smile.

“What are you staring at?” she said to me, confused at why my gaze has not left her for a second. Maybe I was still in disbelief, or suffering of what I knew I was about to experience again. Could I control myself this time? Would the feeling of anger and rage spare me of their untold cruelty?

“It’s nothing” I told her turning my attention to the situation in front of us. The blaster fire had died down all that remained was a deafening silence that almost at that moment seemed unbearable, it didn’t bring any peace to my tortured soul. I jumped a little as something grazed against my hand, looking in panic I saw her hand near mine with her face turned away. At that very moment it felt like my heart had stopped beating in my chest. Every part of me, every inch of every nerve and cell knew what was going to happen, what event was about to take place.

As my mind replayed the events in my head of what occurred that day in my past, I heard a sound in the background. It was a blistering sound, but also soft and subtle. It was a lightsaber activating. A Dark Jedi stood behind us ready to strike us down where we stood. I could feel my rage and anger come storming to the surface once again. Once again I was unable to stop myself from attacking the Dark Jedi, feeling the disgust I had felt for them so long ago.

I screamed through my teeth, rage blurring all sense of reality. Ripping my lightsaber from my side I activated it, ready to fight my opponent, make him regret wanting to face me. I realize now that when that day happened for real was the day my arrogance and self righteousness truly shown. I believe that Dark Jedi saw that, but I am not certain. As my blade came crashing down to make contact with his, he swung one arm across the air sending me across the room crashing into a nearby wall.

As I flew, spinning threw the air. I watched in horror and anger as he lifted her up in the air by her throat with the force. I watched as he stared into her eyes that grew wide with fear, watched as she gasped to take breaths and struggle to get free. I could see him grin, as the one singular line on his face widened with delight and pleasure for this moment. As he raised his blade I hit the far wall, momentarily taking away my sight, but I could still sense everything. I could sense it as if every action he did to her I was doing myself.

03-10-2009, 07:35 PM
Trust me, you are not taking long at all... much quicker updates than most fics including my own.:xp:

Thw only mistake I saw was when you said "threw my teeth". It should be "through my teeth". Whatever, thats no biggie. No to the good stuff :D: This persona is getting more complex and interesting with each addition. Now it is revealed that his love died because of his self-righteousness...I think this showed a great change of character since the persona realizes his tragic flaw. It is awesomeness to see the past with new eyes and then relive it yet have things turn out the same way. You did a good job evoking emotion, I felt so bad for the persona.

Excellent work! :shades2:


03-10-2009, 08:13 PM
(The updates might become smaller. Just because I'm deliberating whether or not I want to show you all what will happen to the Persona after he gets the courage to move on.)

He raised his black lightsaber into the air ready to strike her in half. Would I lay here once again allowing him to kill her as violently as before? I had to do something, something to save her. If I didn’t I believe that the pain might have been too much to lose her once again.

“No!” I screamed out distracting the Dark Jedi for a moment. I could see him grin at me and lick his lips slightly. He licked them as if he could taste her fear and my rage. As if he was savoring every moment of pleasure we gave to him because of our emotions. Slowly he drew his blade back then rammed it into her stomach. He eyes grew wide, but her body grew limp and he let her fall to the ground. He ran off but as he did his head turned towards me making his lips look like they were kissing at me. The rage of what happened coursed through my entire being taking control of my mind, urging me to follow him and kill him.

I was about to again go after the Dark Jedi but I noticed life was still in her, she was still holding on. I remember last time I could still sense life in her, but the urge to destroy, to murder the Dark Jedi was to powerful and I left her there alone, to die by herself. My heart wouldn’t allow me to chase after him but instead brought me to my knees by her side gently resting her head on my lap as my fingers slid threw her hair. It felt like the rage had left me to follow the Dark Jedi, as if it knew in this moment it had no place in my body. But where ever it went I didn’t care I didn’t want it any longer.

“You…stayed…” she said weakly, tears running down her face.

I could tell it was hard for her to speak. To move in any form caused her pain but she raised her left arm and gently placed her hand upon my cheek. Her hand felt so real, as if she was real as if everything that was happening wasn’t just an illusion. I tried to heal her over and over again but her injuries were too extensive for my skills. The thought that I wasn’t strong enough raged through my mind coursed through ever section. The thought that I wasn’t strong enough to save her again made my heart feel like it weight tons inside my chest. I could feel water build up around my eyes and slowly slide down my cheeks. Was I actually crying? I believe I was, and for her I would cry a thousand times over if I could just save her one time.

Her hand stayed upon my cheek feeling so soft. It felt like her fingers were drawing all the anger and hatred I had felt before out of me. I know that she was truly might light in all the darkness that I felt, that even though she was gone she had always remained my light.

“Why…did you…stay?” she asked as she coughed a little, blood trickling down the side of her mouth a little. This was my last chance to tell her my feeling, to tell her how I thought my entire world spun around her, and that to lose her would shatter everything I was or could have ever been. My heart started to beat quicker into my chest my nerves shook and twisted inside me. Why was it so hard to tell her? What was I afraid of?

03-11-2009, 05:07 PM
(This is the end of Chapter one. And to Clarify I was going to make this the end of the story itself. But I got some Ideas for our little lost friend ^-^. Enjoy. And stay tuned for Chapter Two.)

She smiled gently at me gliding her soft fingers down my cheek as life slowly faded away from her eyes. I think she knew how I felt, sensed it in some form and in some way I knew she felt the same as me. If only things could have been different, she would have never fallen so easily like I did, she wouldn’t have…

“Hold…me… just a while…more” she said to me as she tried lifting her body closer to mine. I gently wrapped my arms around her sliding my body closer to hers, holding her against my chest. I held her in my arms as she relaxed her body into mine. She made a sound as if she was comfortable, as if she was relieved to be in my embrace. I don’t understand how in that moment she felt calm, knowing what fate awaited her. Knowing she would die and I was too weak to save her. Why? Why couldn’t I save her like I saved Vren before? Why did this time have to play out the same?

I lowered my head pressing my lips against her shoulder. So many emotions were running threw me, so many things I didn’t understand. I could sense her life fleeing away slowly from her body. As every second passed, it gave me one less second to spend with her. How I wished time would have stopped. Just ceased to exist in this moment and allow me to continue holding her for the rest of eternity. But selfish wishes never come true and I knew this moment would end and I would lose her again. The thought was heart breaking, inside my own chest I could feel my heart shatter to pieces inside me, crumble to dust at the pain I was feeling.

Silent tears fell from my eyes knowing that soon there would be nothing to hold. I raised my head slightly, resting the side of my head gently against hers. This moment was ending soon, she couldn’t hold on much longer. I wonder what she was clinging to. What was allowing her to stay so long in this moment with me?

“I love you” I softly whispered into her ear finally. There was a slight relief in me for telling her. Almost like a burden that I had been carrying was taken away and I could see things clearly. But the pain, the pain of losing her was still so real still so crippling and unbearable. How can I let go of her when she meant everything to me? Everything that no one in existence could possibly understand, she was my everything. For a moment it sounded foolish describing one person as my everything, but I can think of no better way to describe how she makes me feel.

“Thank you…” she said softly to me as she faded into me, faded into nothing. My arms came crashing into my chest with so much force it knocked me onto my back. There I laid silently weeping for what I had lost again. Feeling the darkness of my being try to take control of me once again, wanting to use me for its own selfish deeds. I wasn’t sure if I should allow it to control me, but at that moment I didn’t want to feel a thing except the continuous pain of my failure to save her.

As time passed the tears stopped and so did the pain. Slowly I sat up and leaned against a nearby wall. The pain had slowly left leaving a void with in my soul, leaving a hole that will probably never be filled. So now I’m writing this down in this journal as a reminder to myself, of what I have went through in order to change into something new. My name is Lyon Archer and now my true story begins…

03-12-2009, 05:25 PM

03-13-2009, 10:55 AM
So I've done some editing to the story. I'm sure I've probably missed a few things. I'm working on the second chapter, should be up with in a few days. Well at least part of it anyways. Can't give it all away at once now :xp:

03-15-2009, 08:10 PM
( The start of Chapter Two :D , and I'm sure no one has been Anticipating it, lol. :xp: )

Satunda, Telona 25, 3,957 BBY:

I’m still sitting here after all this time holding on to this journal that holds my secretes. Are they still secretes after all this time, after I portrayed them into this journal? This hard cold thing filled with wires and other small devices. Known to everyone else it’s just a regular datapad but to me, to me it holds things that I’m not certain I could show anyone else. My tears have dried up, and the pain faded away. But the void I feel, the emptiness left behind making me think it was best to keep the pain just so I would still be able to feel something, anything. I see the door it’s just a few feet in front of where I sit, but if I leave does that mean I’m leaving her behind? Leaving her alone again?

But she died in my arms I felt it, it was real wasn’t it? My heart it aches again, this pain that returns with the memory of her fading away from me. This pain I wish to keep, this continuous turmoil that is slowly eroding my soul, destroying the definition of me. If only I could control time, go back to that day for real, make her live again, and then maybe just maybe spend my life with her. This heart I want to cut it out so I can no longer feel this burning desire to be with her. My fingers glide across my cheek where she touched me, where her fingers caressed my cold hard skin. The warmth she placed inside my heart that lingers, this feeling what is it?

I’ve sat here for so long the stone under me has grown warm while the stone that surrounds me is still bitter cold. Perhaps this place is mocking me for my failure to be able to continue on. Then let it mock me, let it call me things I’ve never heard of it doesn’t matter anymore. Why should anything matter to me? If this place has shown me anything it is that I am a disease to everyone I know. Anyone I ever cared about ends up dead by some sick twisted design of fate or destiny. As a Jedi I was taught that the force controls all things, than perhaps the force is just a cruel device set to only bring misery upon people who wield it.

“Why are you still sitting here Lyon?” a voice says to me. The voice sounds soft and gentle like a female. But it also carries a hint of age with it, knowledge learned threw time.

I tilted my head to the side looking at the person speaking to me. My eyes looked at her but they were dead, showing no emotion. What emotion would I show? Inside everything feels like it was destroyed, utterly and completely obliterated from my existence. I didn’t say anything to her turning my sight back to the door. The door that stood there perfectly as it was taunting me, wanting me to go through and suffer more. There were foots steps walking towards me. The steps had a skip to them as if the person was limping, the skip was a familiar sound I’d recognize it anywhere.

“Are you going to ignore me Lyon?” said the female voice as she slid her back down the cold wall near me and sat down upon the cold stone floor. It was obvious that one leg was heavier than the other, a mechanical attachment set in place to replace the lost limb. If she wanted it to get warm then it would take a long time. Should I respond to her? It would be respectful considering all she has done for me, but what would I say? How could I express all the emptiness I felt inside of me? All the devastating emptiness that coursed through every inch of me.

“I know why you’re sitting here. It wasn’t your fault, everything occurs for a reason.” She said to me calmly with a slight hint of warmth in her tone.

Was she trying to help me? I could hear myself grunt a little laugh. Of course she was, she was always around when I need help. Always around when I needed words of wisdom to guide me on the right path. I closed my eyes surrounding myself in the darkness that I felt inside of me. Something was touching my hand, something soft and warm. Whatever was touching me was sending something into me, something nice and relaxing.

“You’ve grown so much since I’ve last seen you Lyon. You’re now a strong independent man. No longer the boy who lashed out when you had done wrong.” She said confidently.

Again I slightly grunted a laugh “You don’t know me as a man. You left before I was grown” I said back to her my voice empty.

I know now that it was her hand touching mine as she lifted it up and placed it back down gently as if petting me like some animal. Still she was treating me like a child. Still even she was haunting me like all the others. Why couldn’t they just move on and leave me alone? Why did they have to torture me with their presence? Wasn’t it enough that this place wanted to destroy me slowly?

03-16-2009, 06:33 PM
You're an awesome writer, dude, I can't wait to read the rest of it. Although I might have just stopped with Chapter 1, but the pain has to end sometime, doesn't it, and the character has to be redeemed?

One might think you've been in love. *nudge nudge*

03-16-2009, 07:00 PM
Well originally it was just going to be one chapter. But I got more Idea's on how to continue it. And well leaving him there in a dark damp cave, just seems so wrong, lol.

03-17-2009, 01:40 PM
I was kind of curious as to your decision in the breaks. I found it a little distracting that there was no title or anything to indicated what the segment was going to be about. You did say in your previous post that it was to be one chapter. Somehow I got the impression that it is a journal type entry. What might work is that you put in time segements when the writer picks up the journal and writes in it again. That way it gives an idea of timing. Dates help as well. Good job though. You are very descriptive in your sequence of events.

03-17-2009, 03:24 PM
So I've done research on Galactic Standard Calendar (http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Galactic_Standard_Calendar) so it now looks a little more like Journal Entries. At least I hope, never actually written a journal before.

Thanks for the Comment JediMaster12. Constructive Comments are always appreciated.

03-19-2009, 09:14 AM
(Another installment of the absolute horribleness of this story. lol. Enjoy)

This person sitting beside me what was her name? I know it, I feel it linger inside my mind but it moves away when I reach for it. Her presence is calming. This calmness or whatever feeling she is washing over me with her presence it is welcomed. Though I had figured or hoped that I would never feel this sense of calmness again. Or maybe I figured I know longer deserved it, no longer was allowed to feel any type of emotion it what now feels like a empty shell of my former self.

“The longer you sit here. The less of a chance you’ll have to become what you are meant to become.” She said to me. Her voice still filled with confidence, like she knew what my destiny was to be. As if she knew everything I would face, the trails I would go through.

“Swirling force right?” I mumbled into my arms peering at the door. How my despisement for that door grows as it stands there taunting my failure, my inability to accept what I have witnessed. Everything that I had hoped to achieve now seems like it’s fading in the distance. Is what I wanted truly that unattainable, that far from my grasp. Why couldn’t things, just for a moment be simple to understand just for one tiny moment let clarity wash over me so I would know what I should do next.

“It’s not swirling force” she said “It’s what I see when I look into your eyes. It’s what your soul desires to be.”

My soul? What did she know about my soul? She died on me, all the things she promised to teach me turned into lies and false hopes. But is it right for me to blame her for something she had no control over? Maybe as a child I held on to the resentment of her death. When she died she left behind her promises to me that soon became empty words from everyone else. I think that’s when my resentment for others began. When I was left alone in the darkness she was trying to save me from.

“You act as if you know me?” I muttered to her my voice still refusing to show even the slightest hint of emotion. Inside me however something was stirring trying to come back to life, trying to be noticed and seen again.

I heard her let loose a small chuckle as she said “Of course I know you child. I haven’t stopped watching you.”

My eyes drifted from the maddening door over to her. She sat there looking at me with her brown eyes shining fake motherly affection upon me, and a smile that seemed to sooth my chaotic heart. Her hair grayed by time was still pulled back into a tight bun. Through her hair however there were still streaks of her original color, black as the midnight sky. Her mind though seemed so ancient and wise even if her appearance proved otherwise. Still sounding so old and still looking so young.

She stood up moving slowly showing the falseness of her age. Her body seemed to moan and crack with every movement letting her know that quick movement wouldn’t be a wise choice. She turned to face me, limping with every turn. A hand was place in front of my vision. The skin smooth unaffected by wrinkles of time or the labors they have been through.

“Take my hand Lyon. It’s now time to stand and stop wallowing in self pity.” She said.

Self pity? This wasn’t self pity this was genuine pain wasn’t it? And even if it was self pity I had every right to feel this way didn’t I? After everything I’ve been though? Maybe she was right, maybe I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself. But my heart, my devastated heart that still seemed to be cowering in the farthest corner of my chest couldn’t take any more I believe.

She managed to hit the right button though. I felt myself spring to me feet, my fists clenched tightly ready to strike her. I could feel the burning rage course through my veins, the desire to strike her, to beat her until there was nothing left. But I didn’t as I slowly took a deep breath in and released it all that anger, all that frustration seemed to flow away from my body like ripples in a pond.

03-22-2009, 12:07 AM
She stood there smiling at me as a sense of clarity swept through my mind. It was a new feeling, it wasn’t absolute peace with myself but it was a start I knew that much. My eyes peered over her shoulder at the door. The door that use to mock me, taunt my failure now seemed to shrink at my determination, my desire to continue and better myself as an individual. My eyes drifted back over to meet hers and for a brief moment I think a smile was visible upon my face. How could she have known what I needed I wonder?

“It’s always been inside you Lyon. Waiting for the right moment to show itself, the part you wished to keep hidden. The true Jedi that lived inside your heart. You just needed to experience things differently than other students.” She said to me still smiling sending calmness that her presence always seemed to bring.

The true Jedi, what did she mean by that? I wonder if there was ever such a thing as a true Jedi. Jedi or Sith we all have our flaws our downsides, I see that now. Acting as if one side is honestly more perfect then the other is a foolish thought. True perfection may never be achievable but if you take steps towards being true to yourself then it’s a start on the right path. I am something else I see that now, I’m neither a Sith nor a Jedi. The only way I would know what I truly was is if I continued on to face whatever was waiting for me.

As a child she was always the one to help me, to comfort me in my time of need. I probably would have fallen to the dark side long before I did if it weren’t for her. In the sense of things she wasn’t truly my master, she had her own padawan but she spent more time with me then her own student. She saw something in me I believe. What she saw exactly I’m not positive.

I felt a hand be placed up my shoulder “Don’t be afraid of the unknown Lyon. It’s the excitement of the unknown that should fuel our desire to face the new day ahead.”

Her words always seemed to hold some kind of logic, even if it was her own beliefs. Her words or just the sound of her voice seemed to fuel me with a hidden courage that seemed to be locked away in some deep corner of my heart. I have always been grateful to her even to this day. She was the one who was slowly showing me I didn’t have to follow a path built for me by others, but to follow a path that was always there for me to walk.

“Thank-you Master Sarli” I said turning my head towards her.

She stood there smiling and waving to me as she slowly faded away from my sight. I turned my head back towards the door. It no longer seemed threatening or demining to me. I stood there ready to face whatever the force had planned. And I would accept any outcome it brought forth.

Telona 3,957 BBY:

The date I am no longer sure about. I don’t know how long I have been sitting here clinging to the fragile existence that is my life. Slowly I feel it slipping away from my grasp, slowly escaping from my fingers into a nonexistent void. Maybe the life after this will take some sort of pity upon me, have mercy for all the wrongs I have committed, all the crimes against life itself. I accept this fate however because now I know what it means to be truly at peace with myself. This moment I enjoy completely for this moment has brought me more warmth then I have felt in my whole life.

This wound, this endless bleeding that seems to run through my fingers and down my side soaking into the stone floor I now sit upon. It is funny in a way that I always seem to be sitting, waiting, hoping for something. I know now that the darkness that had tainted my soul was not stronger then the light that coursed through my existence.

When I entered this room there was a person already waiting for me. His back turned to me, a hood pulled over his head. Dressed in black robes he stood there like a statue unmoving, uncaring of my presence or at least that is what I had thought.

“Finally you have come. I have been waiting for you for a long time.” This man said to me as he slowly turned around. His robe moved with his brisk movement almost wrapping around one leg, but it was to lose it fell back down draping itself behind his legs. He wore tight gloves upon his hand that made a noise as he flexed his hands into a tight fist and released them. My eyes worked their way up his body taking note of his lightsaber attached to his side. My eyes looked upon his face in shock. The person standing before me was no one other then myself, but in a way different from who I am.

“Nothing to say” He said with a half grin upon his face taking steps towards me. He brought his feet down upon the stone floor hard allowing the sound to echo throughout the room trying to intimidate me. I just stood there watching him as he walked closer to me, smiling his eyes a yellowish red color. This side of me or whatever it was had been completely consumed by the Dark Side I could feel it pour off of him like a waterfall into a running river.

“What do you want from me?” I finally asked.

He stopped and looked at me his smile growing bigger “For you to join me. Accept me. Together you and I working as one can be the strongest Sith Lord the galaxy has ever seen.” He raised his hand and clenched his fingers tight into his palm as if he was crushing something.

“I don’t want to be a strong Sith Lord. I just want to be done with this and continue on.” I said back to him.

“Don’t give into weak Jedi passive thoughts. I am a part of you, you cannot deny me. As long as you live then shall I.” He said clearly angered by my response.

“I have no desire to deny you. You the darkness are as much a part of me as the light is. But it will be my choice what action I want to take. Not some phantom of my darker side.” I said in response my tone cold and unmoved by his anger. He raised his hand and placed it upon his hooded head and pulled back his hood. Shaking his head he grabbed his lightsaber and activated it.

“Then you die…Jedi” he said to me as he charged toward me his crimson blade illuminating the side of his face. He almost looked distorted, like some disease had taken over and was eating away at his skin, destroying his flesh.

I activated my lightsaber and blocked his attack. Knowing each other’s movements made it hard to land a good blow upon each other. Which each attack brought by one made the other perform a successful attack. Then I saw an opening in one of his attacks, a fatal flaw on his part. As he lowered himself spinning to thrust his blade into me side he swung his arm out wide leaving his body open for an attack. I seized the opportunity to sink my blade into his chest through his heart. In that moment, that brief life changing moment we both made contact with each other, my blade piercing his heart ending his life there. His blade digging into my side allowing me to linger for several moments.

But now…now I am tired. And the door to my side is slowly opening…a bright light…I see it… it is so…

The End.

03-24-2009, 04:59 PM
Very good, although to be honest I was a little disappointed with the ending, but that's my problem. You should write more fanfic!

03-24-2009, 05:22 PM
Well it maybe the end for the story itself. But his story maybe far from over. Only time will tell. I put in a detail I wonder if anyone picked up on it.