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KotO[REvan]
03-06-2009, 03:10 AM
C A L M S H O T (this was created by me for class; do not steal)

There once was a boy at the age of nine:
He would play with his toys, and his life was fine.
He had dark, brown eyes and thick, black hair.
He was a normal boy, and his life was fair.

Then on one day, his parents fought,
And it is only expected what that fight brought:
His parents divorced; there was a split between the two,
And the boy thought, How could this be? They were stuck like glue!

But not late after he heard of this news,
He sucked it up—went by with no bruise.
He didn’t struggle; he even didn’t cuss,
But he thought of school and boarded the bus.

One year later, his life was decent;
He proudly earned straight “A”s as of recent.
He lived with his father; his mother was gone,
Although he favored her more, all along.

But he did not wish; he did not regret.
He just lived with what his life had set.
As for his father, he thought, There is only me; there is no us.
And he minded school and boarded the bus.

In the next several months, there became more news:
His father was with a girl, and they would snooze.
Although this knowledge disturbed him greatly so,
What could he do? He wouldn’t know.

Within two months the two were united,
And the boy was disgusted; his heart ignited.
But he hid his emotions; he kept them hushed,
And he thought of school and boarded the bus.

After few weeks he learned why they married so quickly:
His new step-mother was three months pregnant; he thought of it sickly.
He suddenly felt the rage and fury take its toll,
And he let his personal demon consume his soul.

Six months passed—enough time to plan:
Enough time to plan how his step-mother would end.
She was sitting on the couch, watching TV,
And the boy quietly entered the room with glee.

He pointed it straight at the back of her head.
She did not notice, so he simply said,
“Bye,”
And he pulled the trigger, a smile reaching high.

This boy was eleven, yet he did so much:
He committed two murders with a single touch.
Devastating his father was only a plus,
But he calmly thought of school and boarded the bus.

Kado Sunrider
03-08-2009, 05:15 PM
whoa...

deep stuff. But I enjoyed it. Well written and engaging. 2 thumbs up! xD

Adavardes
03-08-2009, 05:55 PM
To be honest, I'm not really buying that the kid shot his stepmother. I didn't feel like it had enough build-up or rationalisation, either for his anger at his stepmother, or his own personal insanity. I needs some meat, some emotional and mental context of the kid introspectively, as well as more of a reason for him to commit murder. A lot of kids get pissed off at their stepmother, but this is far too extreme for the commonplace situation you've described, unless the child is messed up in the head, and that's never really established properly if it's the case.