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Mandalore The Shadow
06-25-2009, 10:36 AM
I am finished writing it I just need to edit it and then it will be finished I wanted to enter it into a contest but I couldn't wait to post it so its here now. I would like feedback and thoughts on changes and edits. And here it is:

Seven years after the Mandalorian Wars

Targa stepped outside the gate of the small military compound on Dantooine. In full Neo-Crusader rig an assault rifle in hand. He thought back to seven years ago when this had honor. Now they were just terrorizing farmers, not that it wasnít fun but for a Mandalorian taking down a couple farmers was not even rewarding in the slightest. They had little sport now. The Kath Hounds were acting strange and attacking everything in sight but that quickly became old there wasnít anything big left worth the honor of killing on this rock. As Targa finished this thought Xor walked over in his black Neo-Crusader rig a vibro-sword in hand, tapping his thumb on the hilt. He was itching for a fight. Targa knew his brothers well. They had trained close to each other since they were eight years old their fathers had been friends. Finally the last member of their squad finally arrived. Jag came over in his crimson Neo-Crusader armor, tall and if possible more intimidating than many other Mandalorians on base. They were now ready to set out.

They had been sent on a patrol, just ordinary work. They were to patrol the grove and find out why the Kath Hounds were acting so strangely. For this was the place where they were the most agitated. Personally Targa saw no need for it but he had to fallow orders. When Targa, Xor, and Jag arrived they walked through the small wooded area. It was strange they didnít see any Kath Hounds. Saves us the trouble thought. Thought Targa. The squad they were supposed to relieve was just ahead. Targa now knew why there werenít any Kath Hounds. Ahead on the top of the slope three people were in combat with other squad. He saw the last Mandalorian went down and knew this guy was no joke they set up in the back corner of the woods as the man and his companions passed and went back the way they came while Xor radioed base, Targa and Jag collected the armor tags of their fallen comrades.
Command made it clear that this guy was not to be underestimated even by a Mandalorian. The next Targa, Xor, and Jag saw this mysterious stranger was a few days later. They saw this person and his companions again in the grove this was their first good luck since the Mandalorian in control of this outpost tasked them with finding more information on this person he might be useful but Targa doubted it.

Targa, Xor, and Jag were set up on one of the upper plateaus before he showed up they had been watching a woman she looked like a Sith but she could be Jedi they were all the same for Targa. It seemed she was the cause of the agitated Kath Hounds but when he showed up she, as far as Targa could see, froze his companions and attacked andÖ this was bad. He was a Jedi. Targa didnít wait to see how this played out. He grabbed a camera and a comlink and called the base to show them this. It was like watching Revan fight. Targa had been there on the Mandaloreís ship when Revan came aboard and he had actually watched him face Mandalore in battle and win then he calmly walked off the ship Targa pulled himself from his reverie and waited for orders from base.

It was three days later and they were near the enclave courtyard on another patrol and the Jedi who was so like Revan and his companions were entering the ruins they went in after the Jedi and waited and watched as the Jedi spoke to a droid then moved into the rooms to the left and right destroying the combat droids and gathering access to the north room. Targa stepped into the room to the west to try to find out anything about they were doing or looking for. As Xor and Jag fallowed the door crashed shut and tree of these strange spider like combat droids came crawling around the debris on the side and attacked the three Mandalorians this was the fight Xor had been looking for he sprinted up ahead and started cutting into the first droid Jag and Targa began laying down covering fire.

These droids wouldnít go down it seemed you had to utterly destroy them. Targa and Jag had blown chunks out of them and they were still fighting back. Xor had managed to destroy his and was now working on the next one then a droid froze Jag and the other lit up Xor he was on fire and on the ground Targa ran for the one closest to him and slid under its legs and stuck a plasma grenade to its underside as it exploded he slid under the next one and took out his Vibro-sword and cut it in half as he stood back up he fired several rounds into the now writhing half droid on the floor he ran over to Xor and helped him stand up it was a good thing the armor was flame retardant they ran over to Jag and thawed him with plasma torches once they had all been revived and went back to the door it opened it they realized that the Jedi and his friends were gone they went to the north room and saw the Starmap (or that was what it looked like) and this must be what they wanted Targa called in a tech team from base to see what was so special about this map.

By the time this investigation was complete they had gathered that this was part of a bigger map and the Jedi would need the rest of it. By this time this investigation was complete they had gathered that this was part of a bigger map and the Jedi would need the rest. The head of the tech team said it was likely that the others would be on the worlds the map showed: Kashyyyk, Manan, Tatooine, and Korriban. This would lead them somewhere and if they could get there first and wait, they would have a large advantage. Of course it would be easier if they could get him before he got off planet.
They ran out and snuck onto the dock where the Jediís ship: The Ebon Hawk was docked and saw him getting ready to board it Targa shot a warning shot. He is alone good. Targa thought. The Jedi turned and saw them. He drew his lightsaber. It hummed to life and Xor ran even faster toward him and met him blade to blade. Jag shot down a tree nearby to give them some cover while they lay down some cover fire as Targa joined in Jag threw a tracker onto the Ebon Hawk. The Jedi then did something that momentarily stunned Targa. Xorís arm hit the ground with a spray of blood before the wound cauterized. His body soon followed. Jag had stopped momentarily too staring in astonishment. Xor was the best Mandalorian Blademaster on Dantooine. This was a mistake. The Jedi then held up his hand and the tree flew back and pinned Jag and Targa to the wall of the dock. Targa saw the Jedi climb aboard the ship. He looked sideways at Jag, who was unconscious a trickle of blood ran down his chest from his helmet. Then he too slipped into blackness and non-feeling.

Demongo
06-25-2009, 11:11 AM
This...........is very interesting, but you should be carefully about spelling mistakes. I like all Mandalorian stories and this is not an exception:thmbup1: Great work!

machievelli
06-25-2009, 11:28 AM
read

Mandalore The Shadow
06-25-2009, 02:03 PM
Thanks like i said it still needs revising

JediAthos
06-25-2009, 02:44 PM
I would agree on the revising...make sure you use your spell check if you're not already, and it also helps to use the preview post option when you're posting. I do that frequently to help me catch anything my spell check didn't.

As to the story itself, it seems like you've written a different version of Revan's encounter with the Mandalorian raiders on Dantooine correct? I think you have a good start here, but I would like to see it expanded to help better tell the story you are trying to tell.

Mandalore The Shadow
06-25-2009, 05:42 PM
you are correct and there is a part 2 in progress there will be some editing going on soon