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jonathan7
08-02-2009, 06:06 PM
Ok, I wasn't really sure where to put this, its just my tiny 2 cents on how the prequels should have unfolded, I don't dislike the prequels, but I think they could, and should have been a lot better than they are, I'm not sure if this is classified as fiction, but thought this would be the best place for this...

This takes elements of the original script, and edits them, as well as adding in additional things, which I think would make the film better - be warned, things become more and more different as the films progress :xp:

The Phantom Menace



Turmoil has engulfed the
Galactic Republic. A new
amazing energy source
has been discovered
on the planet Naboo.

This has ignited a brutal competition
to gain the rights for its mining.
Hoping to gain these rights
the greedy Trade Federation
has blockaded the entire planet hoping
to force the peaceful people of Naboo
to sign exclusive trade rights
to them.

While the congress of the
Republic endlessly debates
this alarming chain of events,
the Supreme Chancellor has
secretly arrived at the Jedi Temple
hoping the Jedi may be able to
resolve the dispute....

(Queue customary opening shot of Supreme Chancellor ship entering Coruscant Space, and panning down over the planet, the Jedi Temple comes into view...)

The Supreme Chancellor arrives and is greeted by Master Windu and other Jedi Knights, and escorted to the High Council chamber, pass Jedi in training, fighting with lightsabers etc. Then in the tower the Jedi Council has convened to hear the leader of the Republic...

Yoda; “To see you Chancellor, good it is.. Troubling events on Naboo, there are”

SCV; “Indeed Master Yoda, thank-you for so quickly granting me an audience, this crisis has unfolded so quickly, I was somewhat taken a back by its speed. I do not know if the discovery of plasma tritium in the planet core of Naboo is a blessing or a curse.”

Mace; “What can you tell us of this discovery?”

SCV; “As you know, Naboo is a very unique world. Its water core is found no-where else in the known galaxy. Obviously the core is hazardous and extremely deep and they is why this discovery has only just been made. The Republic Scientists are amazed by the plasma tritium and its incredible power means size of space ships and stations may now be unlimited”.

Yoda “Greatly concerning is this development - as to the implication it could have, if one galactic entity were to gain sole rights.”

SCV “As ever Master Yoda you cut straight to the heart of the matter - It’s certainly in my opinion bad for the people of Naboo, though Chancellor Palpatine seems to think the discovery excellent for both his own planet and science. Regardless the senate is bogged down in debate and protocol and I find my hands tied. Could the Jedi dispatch some negotiators to end the blockade, and to sort out trade rights in the best interests of the people of Naboo and the Republic?”

Yoda “Send ambassadors for you, we will”

Mace “Thank-you for keeping us informed Supreme Chancellor Valorum, May the Force be with you”.

SCV “And with you”

The Supreme Chancellor Exits...

Yoda “Disturbance sense I in the force – there is more happening in the galaxy than aware we are. The Dark Side growing it is... A Phantom Menace, I sense Lurking. Sent, only the most gifted of Jedi Knights should be. Recommend Qui-Gon, do I”

Mace “Qui-Gon is a venerable, but a Maverick. Are you sure we should send him?”

Yoda “A proponent of the living force, one of the few – a talent I think need do we, to reveal what is happening on Naboo. Very knowledgable Qui-Gon is; know's Naboo best of all Jedi... Very gifted with a lighsaber also is he”

Ki-Adi-Mundi “Who else should we send?”

Yoda “Transfer my Padawan to Qui-Gon we should – Meditate on this disturbance in the force I must”

Mace; “Are you sure? Will Qui-Gon be a good influence on Obi-Wan? Can we trust Qui-Gon with the orders most gifted Padawan?”

Yoda “Unorthodox is Obi-Wan, and so shall his training be. A rebel Qui-Gon may be, but trust him do I. Good friends Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are, very similar – both mavericks, much to learn they can from each other”

Mace “So the council is agreed? We Shall send Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan...”

Council agrees...

"Aye" "Aye" etc

Cut to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan boarding their transport...

Qui-Gon "I look forward to completing your training Obi-Wan, I'm sorry Yoda has had to stop training you"

Obi-Wan "I'm sure Master Yoda has his reason, and it was an honour to be trained by him, I look forward to learning from you master"

Jessop (a Jedi Transport plot (aka Morgan Freeman) "Qui-Gon, sorry I won't be able to take you on this trip, family problems I'm affraid"

Qui-Gon "I sense that you not being a long on this trip maybe for the best, old friend"

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan board transport...

Cut to Jedi Transport arriving at Trade Federation fleet... (standard script here...)

(From; http://www.blueharvest.net/scoops/pm-script.shtml )


PAN DOWN to reveal a small space cruiser heading TOWARD CAMERA at great
speed. PAN with the cruiser as it heads toward the beautiful green planet of
Naboo, which is surrounded by hundreds of Trade Federation battleships.

INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER - COCKPIT

In the cockpit of the cruise, the CAPTAIN and PILOT manoeuvre closer to one
of the battleships.

QUI-GON : (off screen voice) Captain.

The Captain turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.

CAPTAIN : Yes, sir?
QUI-GON : (V.O) Tell them we wish to board at once.
CAPTAIN : Yes, sir.

The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a Neimoidian trade
viceroy, waits for a reply.

CAPTAIN : (cont'd) With all due respect for the Trade Federation, the
Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.
NUTE : Yes, yes, of coarse...ahhh...as you know, our blockade is perfectly
legal, and we'd be happy to recieve the Ambassador...Happy to.

The screen goes black. Out the cockpit window, the sinister battleship looms
ever closer.

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE (FX)

The small space cruiser docks in the enormous main bay of the Federation
battleship.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - DOCKING BAY - SPACE

A PROTOCOL DROID, TC-14, waits at the door to the docking bay. Two WORKER
DROIDS, PK-4 and EG-9 watch.

PK-4 : They must be important if the Viceroy sent one of those useless
protocol gearheads to greet them.

The door opens, and the Republic cruiser can be seen in the docking bay. Two
darkly robed figures are greeted by TC-14.

TC-14 : I'm TC-14 at your service. This way, please.

They move off down the hallway.

EG-9 : A Republic cruiser! That's trouble...don't you think?
PR-4 : I'm not made to think.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

A door slides open, and the two cloaked shapes are led PAST CAMERA into the
formal conference room by TC-14.

TC-14 : I hope you honoured sirs with the most comfortable here. My master
will be with you shortly.

The droid bows before OBI-WAN KENOBI and QUI- GON JINN.

OBI-WAN : I have a bad feeling about this.
QUI-GON : I don't sense anything.
OBI-WAN : It's not about the mission, Master, it's
somethging...elsewhere...elusive.
QUI-GON : Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration
here and now where it belongs.
OBI-WAN : Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...
QUI-GON : .....but not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the
living Force, my young Padawan.
OBI-WAN : Yes, Master...how do you think the trade viceroy will deal with
the chancellor's demands?
QUI-GON : These Federation types are cowards. The negotiations will be
short.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

NUTE GUNRAY and DAULTRAY DOFINE stand, stunned, before TC-14.

NUTE : (shaken) What?!? What did you say?
TC-14 : The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.
DOFINE : I knew it! They were sent to force a settlement, eh. Blind me,
we're done for!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY

A hologram of NUTE , surrounded by BATTLE DROIDS, appears in the conference
room hallway.

NUTE : They must be dead by now. Blast, what's left of them.

The hologram fades off, as a BATTLE DROID, OWO-1, cautiously opens the door.
A deadly green cloud billows from the room. BATTLE DROIDS cock their weapons
as a figure stumbles out of the smoke. It is TC-14 , carrying the tray of
drinks.

TC14 : Oh, excuse me, so sorry.

The PROTOCOL DROID passes the armed camp just as two flashing laser swords
fly out of the deadly fog, cutting down several BATTLE DROIDS before they
can fire.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

The bridge is a cocophony of alarms. NUTE and RUNE watch OWO-1 on the
viewscreen.

OWO-1 : Not sure exactly what...

OWO-1 is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence. RUNE gives NUTE a worried
look.

NUTE : What in blazes is going on down there?
RUNE : Have you ever encountered a Jedi Knight before, sir?
NUTE : Well, not exactly, but I don't...(panicked) Seal off the bridge.
RUNE : That won't be enough, sir.

The doors to the bridge SLAM shut.

NUTE : I want destroyer droids up here at once!!!
RUNE : We will not survive this.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE

QUI-GON cuts several BATTLE DROIDS in half, creating a shower of sparks and
metal parts. OBI-WAN raises his hand, sending several BATTLE DROIDS crashing
into the wall.

QUI-GON makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut through it.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

The CREW is very nervous as sparks start flying around the bridge door.
QUI-GON and OBI-WAN are on the view screen.

NUTE : Close the blast doors!!!

The huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a second door, then
a third. There is a hissing sound as the huge doors seal shut. QUI-GON tabs
the door with his sword. The screen goes black as a red spot appears in the
center of the blast door.

RUNE : ...They're still coming through!

On the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.

NUTE : Impossible!! This is impossible!!
RUNE : Where are those destroyer droids?!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - HALLWAY - OUTSIDE BRIDGE

Ten ugly destroyer WHEEL DROIDS roll down the hallway at full speed. Just
before they get to the bridge area, they stop and transform into their
battle configuration. QUI-GON can't see them but senses their presence.

QUI-GON : Destroyer droids!
OBI-WAN : Offhand, I'd say this mission is past the negotiaion stage.

The WHEEL DROIDS, led by P-59, rush the entry area from three hallways,
blasting away with their laser guns. They stop firing and stand in a
semi-circle as the smoke clears. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON are nowhere to be seen.

P-59 : Switch to bio...There they are!

The Jedi materialize at the far end of the hallway and dash through the
doorway that slams shut. The WHEEL DROIDS blast away at the two JEDI with
their laser swords.

OBI-WAN : They have shield generators!
QUI-GON : It's a standoff! Let's go!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

NUTE and RUNE stand on the bridge, watching the view screen as the WHEEL
DROIDS' POV speeds to the doorway.

RUNE : We have them on the run, sir...they're no match for destroyer droids.
TEY HOW : Sir, they've gone up the ventilation shaft.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - MAIN BAY

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN appear at a large vent in a giant hanger bay. They are
careful not to be seen. Thousands of BATTLE DROIDS are loading onto landing
craft.

QUI-GON : Battle droids.
OBI-WAN : It's an invisible army.
QUI-GON : It's an odd play for the Trade Federation. We've got to warn the
Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum. Let's split up. Stow aboard separate
ships and meet down on the planet.
OBI-WAN : You were right about one thing, Master. The negotiations were
short.

Modified Script... Only real chance at this point, is the Queen is 36, and she has a 13 year old daughter... Padme.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

TEY HOW recieves a transmission.

TEY HOW : Sir, a transmission from the planet.
RUNE : It's Queen Amidala herself.
NUTE : At last we're getting results.

On the view screen, Queen Amidala appears in her throne room. Wearing her
elaborate headdress and robes, she sits, with her only daughter, the teenage PADME and surrounded by her governorning council.

NUTE : (cont'd) Again you come before me, Your highness. The Federation is
pleased.
AMIDALA : You will not be pleased when you hear what I have to say,
Viceroy...Your trade boycott of our planet has ended.

NUTE smirks at RUNE.

NUTE : I was not aware of such a failure.
AMIDALA : I have word that the Senate is finally voting on this blockade of
yours.
NUTE : I take it you know the outcome. I wonder why they bother to vote.
AMIDALA : Enough of this pretense, Viceroy! I'm aware the Chancellor's
Ambassadors are with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach a
settlement.
NUTE : I know nothing about any Ambassadors...you must be mistaken.

AMIDALA, surprised at his reaction, studies him carefully.

AMIDALA : Beware, Viceroy....the Federation is going too far this time.
NUTE : Your Highness, we would never do anything without the approval of the
Senate. You assume too much.
AMIDALA : We will see.

The QUEEN fades off, and the view screen goes black.

RUNE : She's right, the Senate will never....
NUTE : It's too late now.
RUNE : Do you think she suspects an attack?
NUTE : I don't know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications
down there.

INT. NABOO PALACE - THRONE ROOM

The Queen, her daughter Padme, Eirtae, Sache and her Governor, Sio Bibble, stand before a
hologram of Senator Palpatine, a thin, kindly man.

PALPATINE : ...How could that be true? I have assurances from the
Chancellor...his Ambassaodrs did arrive. It must be the...get...negotiate...

The hologram of PALPATIONE sputters and fades away.

AMIDALA : Senator Palpatine?!? (turns to Panaka) What's happening?

CAPTAIN PANAKA turns to his SARGEANT

CAPT. PANAKA : Check the transmission generators...
BIBBLE : A malfunction?
CAPT. PANAKA : It could be the Federation jamming us. Your Highness.
BIBBLE : A communications disruption can only mean one thing. Invasion.
AMIDALA : Don't jump to conclusions, Governor. The Federation would not dare
go that far.
CAPT. PANAKA : The Senate would revoke their trade franchise, and they'd be
finished.
AMIDALA : We must continue to rely on negotiation.
BIBBLE : Negotiation? We've lost all communications!...and where atre the
Chancellors Ambassadors? How can we negotiate? We must prepare to defend
ourselves.
CAPT. PANAKA : This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security
volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army.
AMIDALA : I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.

EXT. SPACE LANDING CRAFT - TWILIGHT (FX)

Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet Naboo.

EXT. NABOO SWAMP - SHALLOW LAKE - TWILIGHT

Three landing craft slowly descend through the cloud cover of the
perpetually gray twilight side of the planet. One by one, the Federation
warships land in the eerie swamp.
OBI-WAN's head emerges from the mud of a shallow lake. For in the
background, the activities of the invasion force can be seen in the mist.
OBI-WAN takes several deep breaths, then dissapears again under the muddy
swamp. Troop Transports (MTT's) emerge from the landing craft.

EXT. NABOO EDGE OF SWAMP / GRASS PLAINS - TWILIGHT (FX)

The droid invasion force moves out of the swamp and onto a grassy plain.
OOM-9, in his tank, looks out over the vast ARMY marching across the rolling
hills. A small hologram of RUNE and NUTE stands on the tank.

RUNE : ...and there is no trace of the Jedi. They may have gotton onto one
of your landing craft.
OOM-9 : If they are down here, sir, we'll find them. We are moving out of
the swamp and are marching on the cities. We are meeting no resistance.
NUTE : Excellent.

EXT. NABOO SWAMP - TWILIGHT

Key point... No Jar-Jar!

Qui-Gon runs through the strange landscape, glancing back to see the
monstrous troop transports, emerging from the mist. Animals begin to run
past him in a panic.

The two troops fire laser bolts at OBI-WAN. QUI-GON deflects the bolts back, and the STAPS blow up. One-two. OBI-WAN is exhausted and tries to catch his breath.

OBI-WAN : Sorry, Master, the water fried my weapon.

OBI-WAN pulls out his burnt laser sword handle. QUI-GON inspects it, as

QUI-GON : You forgot to turn your power off again, didn't you?

OBI-WAN nods sheeplishly.

QUI-GON : (cont'd) It won't take long to recharge, but this is a lesson I
hope you've learned, my young Padawan.

Qui-Gon "We must find the Gungans, despite the animosity they feel towards the Naboo, we will need their help if we are to get to Theed"

Obi-Wan "But master, we are in the middle of the forest, where are these Gungans?"

Qui-Gon "They live in magnificent cities under the water, don't expect a warm welcome though, they dislike outsiders, follow me"

Obi-Wan; "Don't worry, this has not been our day for warm welcomes."

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan dive under water, and swim to the Gungan city...
They arrive and run into Gungan security...

Qui-Gon "Take me to your leader"

Obi-Wan "Well, that was original, Master Yoda would never say something like that"

Qui-Gon "Would you have preferred me to say 'To your leader, take me?"

Both laugh...

Standard scene minus Jar-Jar...

INT. OTOH GUNGA - HIGH TOWER BOARD ROOM

The Bosses' Board Room has bubble walls, with small lighted fish swimming
around outside like moving stars. A long circular judge's bench filled with
GUNGAN OFFICIALS dominates the room. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON stand facing BOSS
NASS, who sits on a bench higher than the others.

BOSS NASS : Yousa cannot bees hair. Dis army of mackineeks up dare tis new
weesong!
QUI-GON : That droid army is about to attack the Naboo. We must warn them.
BOSS NASS : Wesa no like da Naboo! Un dey no like uss-ens. Da Naboo tink day
so smarty den us-ens. Day tink day brains so big.
OBI-WAN : After those droids take control of the surface, they will come
here and take control of you.
BOSS NASS : No, mesa no tink so. Mesa scant talkie witda Naboo, and no
nutten talkie it outlaunders. Dos mackineeks no comen here! Dey not know of
uss-en.
OBI-WAN : You and the Naboo form a symbiont circle. What happens to noe of
you will affect the other. You must understand this.
BOSS NASS : Wesa wish no nutten in yousa tings, outlaunder, and wesa no
care-n about da Naboo.
QUI-GON : (waves his hand) Then speed us on our way.
BOSS NASS : Wesa gonna speed yousaway.
QUI-GON : We need a transport.
BOSS NASS : Wesa give yousa una bongo. Da speedest way tooda Naboo tis goen
through da core. Now go.
QUI-GON : Thank you for your help. We go in peace.

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn to leave.

OBI-WAN : Master, whats a bongo?
QUI-GON : A transport, I hope.

Trench
08-02-2009, 06:20 PM
That was pretty good.:D A couple spelling mistakes, but good.

Lord of Hunger
08-02-2009, 08:21 PM
A version of the Phantom Menance without Jar Jar?! ALLELUIA, WE ARE SAVED!!!

:D Seriously this is great! I've always thought of doing a version of the prequels that did not suck like the actual prequels did, but you beat me to it. If you go on to do Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, please make Anakin 10000% less whiny and give Padme 10000% more character depth. You'll do the planet...no, the universe...no, the multiverse a favor. :D

jonathan7
08-03-2009, 07:54 PM
Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan make there way to theed via a strange little submarine which propels itself away from the Otoh Gunga, leaving the glow of the settlement in the distance.

In the cockpit.... Obi-Wan seems tense

QUI-GON : Just relax Ob-Wan, the Force will guide us...
Obi-Wan: It's not getting to theed that concerns me, I can feel some large lifeforms in our vacinity, I feel we are being hunted...
Qui-Gon: Indeed, but with the Force as our alley we shall be fine.

As the little sub glides into the planet core, a large dark shape begins to
follow. Suddenly there is a loud CRASH, and the little craft lurches to one side. QUI-GON looks around and sees a huge, lumimnous OPEE SEA KILLER has hooked them with its long gooey tongue.

QUI-GON : Full speed ahead.

OBI-WAN obeys his master and straight away the OPEE SEA KILLER instantly releases the sub from its mouth.

As the sub zooms away they see a larger set of jaws, munching on the hapless KILLER. The jaws belong to the incredible SANDO AQUA MONSTER. The lights on the tiny sub begin to flicker as they cruise deeper into the gloom.

QUI-GON : There's always a bigger fish.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - BRIDGE

NUTE and RUNE stand before a hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS.

NUTE : The invasion is on schedule, My Lord.
DARTH SIDIOUS : Good. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. By the time this incident comes up for a vote, they will have no choice but to accept your control of the system.
NUTE : The Queen and her daughter have great faith the Senate will side with her.
DARTH SIDIOUS : Queen Amidala is an idealist, and worries for her people, her daughter is young and naive. You will find controlling
them will not be difficult. You have done well, Viceroy.
NUTE : Thank you, My Lord.

DARTH SIDIOUS fades away.

RUNE : You didn't tell him about the missing Jedi?
NUTE : No need to report that to him, until we have something to report.

INT. SUB COCKPIT - UNDERWATER

Sparks are flying, and water is leaking into the cabin. The sound of the
power drive drops.

OBI-WAN : .....we're losing power.
OBI-WAN is working with the sparking wires.
QUI-GON : Stay calm. We're not in trouble yet.
OBI-WAN : Power's back.

The lights flicker on, revealing an ugly COLO CLAW FISH right in front of
them. The large COLO CLAW FISH is surprised and rears back. The sub turns around and speeds away.The COLO CLAW FISH leaps after the fleeing sub as it shoots out of the tunnel and into the waiting jaws of the SANDO AQUA MONSTER.

OBI-WAN: This is not good!!...

QUI-GON : Head for that outcropping.

EXT. THEED - MAIN ROAD INTO THEED - DAY (FX)

The long columns of the DROID ARMY move down the main road leading to Theed, the Naboo capital.

EXT. THEED PLAZA - DAY (FX)

As the QUEEN watches helplessly from a window in the palace, a transport
carrying NUTE and RUNE lands in Theed Plaza. They exit the transport.

NUTE : Ah, victory!

INT. NABOO LAKE - UNDERWATER - SUB (FX)

The little sub continue to propel itself toward the surface, which is
brightly lit.

Obi-Wan "Well, I'm glad to be getting out of this submarine, but I get the feeling we maybe in more danger above than down here below"
Qui-Gon "I feel it too, the many droids, we must proceed carefully and unseen"

EXT. THEED - ESTUARY - DAY

Paradise. Billowing clouds frame a romantic body of water. There is a LOUD RUSH OF BUBBLES, and a small sub bobs to the surface.
The current in the estuary begins to pull the sub backward into a fast
moving river. OBI-WAN switches off the two remaining bubble canopies.
QUI-GON stands up to look around.

QUI-GON : Get this thing started.
OBI-WAN : "Trust me I'm trying..."

Qui-Gon looks back to where they're drifting. He sees they are headed for a huge waterfall.

OBI-WAN tries to start the engine. The long props behind the sub slowly
begin to rotate. OBI-WAN struggles until finally, a few feet short of the
waterfall, the sub starts and is able to generate enough power to stop
drifting backward in the powerful current. The sub slowly moves forward. In the background, QUI-GON takes a cable out of his belt. The engine coughs and dies. They start drifting backward again.

QUI-GON shoots the thin cable, and it wraps itself around a railing on the
shore. The sub pulls the cable taut, and the little craft hangs precariously
over the edge of the waterfall.

QUI-GON : Come on...

OBI-WAN climbs out of the sub and pulls himself along the cable. QUI-GON
starts in after him. OBI-WAN makes it to shore and helps to pull QUI-GON out of the water.

OBI-WAN : That was close.
BATTLE DROID 3B3 : (O.S) Drop your weapons!

The TWO JEDI turn around to see a BATTLE DROID standing in front of them.

BATTLE DROID 3B3 : I said drop your weapons

QUI-GON ignites his laser sword, and in a brief flash, the DROID is cut down by the JEDI. A stray laser bolt hits the cable and the sub breaks lose, crashing down the waterfall.

The JEDI move on, looking over Theeds beautiful botanical gardens...

EXT. THEED - PALACE - DAY

The waterfalls of Theed sparkle in the noonday sun.

INT. THEED - PALACE THRONE ROOM - DAY

QUEEN AMIDALA, Her daughter Padme, SIO BIBBLE, and some of her handmaidens are surrounded by TWENTY DROIDS. CAPTAIN PANAKA and FOUR NABOO GUARDS are also held at gunpoint. NUTE and RUNE stand in the middle of the room.

BIBBLE : ...how will you explain this invasion to the Senate?
NUTE : The Naboo and the Federation will forge a treaty that will legitimize
our occupation here, and give us sole mining rights to the plasma tritium. I've been assured it will be ratified by the Senate.
AMIDALA : I will not co-operate.
Padme: "You have got to be joking, do you really think after what you've done, we would be as irresponsible and foolish to sign of such a power source to you?"
NUTE : Now, now, your Highness, you should keep your idealistic daughter in check. You are not going to like what we have in store for your people, or her. In time, their suffering will persuade you to see our
point of view. Commander. (OOM-9 steps forward) Process them.
OOM-9 : Yes, sir! (turns to his sergeant) Take them to Camp Four.

The SERGEANT marches the GROUP out of the throne room.

EXT. PALACE - PLAZA - DAY

QUEEN AMIDALA, PADME, their hand maidens, CAPTAIN PANAKA, SIO BIBBLE, and FOUR GUARDS are led out of the palace by ten BATTLE DROIDS. The plaza is filled with tanks and BATTLE DROIDS, which they pass on their way to the detention camp. Unbeknownst to them, QUI-GON and Obi-Wan sneak across on a walkway above the plaza and jump from a balcony to begin an attack to rescue the QUEEN and her party.

FOUR BATTLE DROIDS are instantly cut down. MORE DROIDS move forward and are also cut down by the JEDIS' flashing lightsabres until there is only the DROID SERGEANT left. The SERGEANT starts to run but is pulled back to QUI-GON by the Force, until finally he is dispatched by the JEDI.

QUEEN AMIDALA and the OTHERS are amazed. They move between two buildings.

Padme - "Mum, look... Jedi, they're even more skilful than I had heard"
QUI-GON : Your Highness, we are the Ambassadors, for the Supreme Chancellor.
BIBBLE : Your negotiations seem to have failed, Ambassador.
QUI-GON : The negotiations never took place. Your Highness, we must make contact with the republic.

CAPTAIN PANAKA steps forward.

CAPT. PANAKA : They've knocked out all our communications.
QUI-GON : Do you have transports?
CAPT. PANAKA : In the main hanger. This way.

THEY disappear down an alleyway as the ALARMS are sounded

INT. CENTRAL HANGER - HALLWAY - DAY

CAPTAIN PANAKA cracks open a side door to the central hanger. QUI-GON looks in over his shoulder. OBI-WAN and the rest of the group are behind
him. They see several Naboo spacecraft guarded by about FIFTY BATTLE DROIDS. ALARMS can be heard in the distance.

CAPT. PANAKA : There are too many of them.
QUI-GON : That won't be a problem. (to Amidala) Your Highness, under the
circumstances, I suggest you come to Coruscant with us, and I insist your daughter come.
AMIDALA : Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is here with my people.
Padme "We will not leave our people"
QUI-GON : They will kill you if you stay.
BIBBLE : They wouldn't dare.
CAPT. PANAKA : They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of
theirs legal. They can't afford to kill her.
QUI-GON : The situation here is not what it seems. There is something else behind all this, Your Highness. All the Federation wants is the plasma tritium, and they will stop at nothing to ensure they get it. My feelings tell me they will destroy you and that there is some unseen force manipulating events here.
BIBBLE : Please, Your Highness, reconsider. Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us... Senator Palpatine will need your help.
CAPT. PANAKA : Getting past their blockade is impossible, Your Highness. Any attempt to escape will be dangerous.
BIBBLE : Your Highness, I will stay here and do what I can...They will have
to retain the Council of Governors in order to maintain control. But you
must leave...

The QUEEN turns to her daughter and her handmaides

AMIDALA : Either choice presents a great risk...to all of us...
PADME : We are brave mum, I trust in your judgement
QUI-GON : If you are to leave, Your Highness, it must be now.
AMIDALA : Then, I will plead our case before the Senate. (to Bibble) Be careful, Governor.

INT. CENTRAL HANGER - DAY

The door opens to the main hanger. QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, CAPTAIN
PANAKA, TWO GUARDS, and THREE HANDMAIDENS, Padme arefollowed by
QUEEN AMIDALA, head for a sleek chrome spacecraft. SIO BIBBLE, YANE and SACHE stay behind. The HANDMAIDENS begin to cry.

CAPT. PANAKA : We need to free those pilots.

CAPTAIN PANAKA points to TWENTY GUARDS, GROUND CREW, and PILOTS held in a corner by SIX BATTLE DROIDS.

OBI-WAN : I'll take care of that. OBI-WAN heads toward the group of captured pilots.

QUI-GON and the QUEEN, her daughter, CAPTAIN PANAKA and the rest Of the GROUP approach the GUARDS at the ramp of the Naboo craft.

GUARD DROID : Where are you going?
QUI-GON : I'm Ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor, and I'm taking those people to Coruscant.
DROID GUARD : You're under arrest!

The DROID GUARD draws his weapon, but before any of the DROIDS can fire, they are cut down. OTHER GUARDS run to their aid. OBI-WAN attacks the GUARDS around the PILOTS. QUI-GON stands, fighting off DROIDS as the OTHERS rush on board the spacecraft. OBI-WAN, the FREED PILOTS (including RIC OLIE), GUARDS and GROUND CREW MEMBERS rush on board the ship. The OTHER PILOTS and GUARDS race to SIO BIBBLR. After everyone has made it onto the ship, QUI-GONjumps on board. ALARMS sound. MORE DROIDS rush into the hanger and fire as the ship takes off.

EXT. THEED - HANGER ENTRY - DAY (FX)

The ship exits the hanger. BATTLE DROIDS standing in the hanger shoot at
them.

EXT. SPACE (FX)

The sleek spacecraft speeds away from the planet of Naboo and heads for the
deadly Federation blockade.

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT

The PILOT, RIC OLIE, navigates toward the massive battleship, QUI-GON and CAPTAIN PANAKA watch.

RIC OLIE : ....our communications are still jammed.

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - DROID HOLD

In the droid hold there are a long row of five short, dome-topped ASTRO DROIDS (R-2 units). The all look alike, except for thier paint color, and they all seem to be shut down. Slowly they exit.

In space the ship is flying towards the blockade, taking heavy fire and damage...

Panaka "We can't take many more of those hits"
Pilot "Our forward shields are down, one more hit and we're doomed, I can't transfer power, the transfer cable has been severed..."

The droids move out as they are needed to fix the ship which is receiving fire. All the droids get destroyed by incoming fire except for one R2 unit.
The lone BLUE DROID finishes his repairs and goes back into the ship. The
Naboo spacecraft races away from the Federation battleship.

RIC OLIE : Powers back! That little droid did it. He bypassed the main powerdrive and the power cable - genuis!. Deflector shield up, at maximum

RIC OLIE : There's not enough power to get us to Coruscant...the hyperdrive is leaking.
QUI-GON : We'll have to land somewhere to refuel and repair the ship.

QUI-GON studies a star chart on a monitor.

OBI-WAN : Here, Master. Tatooine... It's small, out of the way, poor... The
Trade Federation has no presence there.
CAPT. PANAKA : How can you be sure?
QUI-GON : It's controlled by the Hutts...
CAPT. PANAKA : The Hutts??
OBI-WAN : It's risky...but there's no alternative.
CAPT. PANAKA : You can't take Her Royal Highness there! The Hutts are
gangsters... If they discovered her...
QUI-GON : ...It would be no different than if we landed on a system
controlled by the Federation...except the Hutts aren't looking for her,
which gives us an advantage.

CPATAIN PANAKA takes a deep breath in frustration.

EXT. SPACE - NABOO SPACECRAFT (FX)

The Naboo spacecraft races away.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP - CONFERENCE ROOM

NUTE and RUNE sit around a conference table with a hologram of DARTH
SIDIOUS.

NUTE : We control all the cities in the North and are searching for any
other settlements...
DARTH SIDIOUS : Destroy all high-ranking officials, Viceroy...slowly...quietly. And Queen Amidala, has she signed the treaty?
NUTE : She has disappeared, My Lord. One Naboo cruiser got pat the blockade.
DARTH SIDIOUS : Viceroy, find her! I want that treaty signed.
NUTE : My Lord, it's impossible to locate the ship. It's out of our range.
DARTH SIDIOUS : ...not for a Sith...

A second SITH LORD appears behind DARTH SIDIOUS.

DARTH SIDIOUS : (Cont'd) ...Viceroy, this is my apprentice. Lord Maul. He
will find your lost ship.
NUTE : Yes, My Lord. The hologram fades off.
NUTE : (Cont'd) This is getting out of hand...now there are two of them.
RUNE : We should not have made this bargain. What will happen when the Jedi become aware of these Sith Lords?

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - QUEENS CHAMBERS

QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, CAPTAIN PANAKA, and the LITTLE BLUE DROID stand before QUEEN AMIDALA and her THREE HANDMAIDENS

CAPT. PANAKA : ...An extremely well put together little droid. Without a
doubt, it saved the ship, as well as our lives.
AMIDALA : It is to be commended...what is its number?

The LITTLE BLUE DROID lets out a series of bleeps. CAPTAIN PANAKA leans over and scrapes some dirt off of the side of the DROID and read the number:

CAPT. PANAKA : R2-D2, Your Highness.
AMIDALA : Thank you, Artoo Detoo. You have proven to be very loyal... My dear handmaidens please will you clean this wonderful droid up...
Handmaidens (in unison) "yes my lady"

PADME bows before the her mother the QUEEN. "It's ok, you can give the handmaidens time off, I would consider it an honour to clean the droid myself"

AMIDALA : "Very well, my daugher; Clean this droid up the best you can. It deserves our gratitude...(to Panaka) Continue, Captain.

CAPTAIN PANAKA looks nervously to OBI-WAN and QUI-GON.

QUI-GON : Yor Highness, we are heading for a remote planet called Tatooine.
It is a system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation. There we will
be able to make needed repairs, then travel on to Coruscant.
CAPTAIN PANAKA : Your Highness, Tatooine is very dangerous. It's controlled by an alliance of gangs called the Hutts. I do not agree with the Jedi on this.
QUI-GON : You must trust my judgement, Your Highness.

AMIDALA and PADME exchange looks. PADME moves next to the DROID.

Queen Amidala "Do as the Jedi instruct captain, I trust in their judgement on these matters"

INT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA

PADME sits in the Main Area, cleaning R2-D2, the brave little Astra Droid.

Obi-Wan walks in;

Obi-Wan; "Forgive me princess, but why are you cleaning the droid, when you have servants to do such tasks?"
Padme "Part of leadership is leading by example, I would never order someone else to do something I would not do. Besides, I think the handmaidens could do with some time off"
Obi-Wan "Your families reputation is well deserved your highness, you are indeed just rulers"
Padme "We are a constitutional monarchy, our family shares power with a democratically elected government"
Obi-Wan "I heard when your family tryed to hand over all power to the government, the people wouldn't heard of it... That says a lot for your family"
Padme "Thank-you, master jedi"

Obi-Wan smiles and leaves...

INT. ANBOO SPACECRAFT - COCKPIT

OBI-WAN, QUI-GON, and CAPTAIN PANAKA watch over RIC OLIE'S shoulder. A large
yellow planet appears directly ahead. RIC OLIE searches his scopes.

OBI-WAN : Tahyt's it. Tatooine.
RIC OLIE : There's a settlement...a spaceport, looks like.
QUI-GON : Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract any attention.

EXT. TATOOINE - SPACE (FX)

Enter Coruscant, Masters Yoda, Windu and Ki-Adi-Mundi arrive at the Senate building to see the Supreme Chancellor. They enter his office.

SCV: "Any news from Naboo - we haven't heard anything from the planet"
Mace: "All communications have been cut, the only reason for that would be the Trade Federation has begun an invasion"
SCV: "The situation is worse then we feared then, do we know anything else"
Yoda: "Our Jedi, well they are, no longer on planet I sense, escaped have they - others are with them. Trust in the force we must, contact us when they can they will"
SCV: "I hope you are right"
Yoda: "In Gui-Gon and Obi-Wan, two of the orders best they are, believe in them do I"
Mace "There is something else we must report, please keep this confidential Supreme Chancellor"
Yoda: "A disturbance in the force felt we have, more to this than means the eye. Careful all of us must be"
SCV "I am growing more and more concerned, and truthfully Master Jedi, much as I hate it at this point my hands remain tied"

Meanwhile the Royal Naboo ship heads toward the planet of Tatooine.

EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - NABOO SPACECRAFT - DAY (FX)

The Naboo spacecraft lands in the desert in a swirl of dust. The spaceport
of Mos Espa is seen in the distance. EXT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - MAIN AREA

OBI-WAN is hoisting the hyperdrive out of a floor panel.

QUI-GON (dressed as a farmer) enters the main area.

OBI-WAN : (Cant'd) The Hyperdrive generator is gone. We will need a new one.

QUI-GON moves closer to OBI-WAN and speaks quietly to him.

QUI-GON : Don't let them send ant transmissions. Be wary...I sense a
disturbance in the Force.
OBI-WAN : I fell it also, Master.

QUI-GON goes into the hallway to meet up with ARTOO

EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - SPACESHIP - DAY

They start their trek across the desert toward the city of Mos Espa. In the
distance, a strange looking caravan makes its way toward the spaceport.

From the spaceship, CAPTAIN PANAKA and PADME run toward them.

CAPT. PANAKA : Wait!

QUI-GON stops as they catch up. PADME is dresses in rough peasant's garb.

CAPT. PANAKA : Her Highness commands you to take her daughter
with you. She wishes for her to observe the local...
QUI-GON : No more commands from Her Highness today, Captain. This spaceport is not going to be pleasant...
CAPT. PANAKA : The Queen wishes it. She is curious about this planet. And keen for her daughter to experience more challenging environments
PADME : I've been trained in defense... I can take care of myself.
CAPT. PANAKA : Don't make me go back and tell her you refuse.
QUI-GON : I don't have time to argue. But this is not a good idea. Stay
close to me.

He gives PADME a stern look.

EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - DAY

The little GROUP walks down the main street of Mos Espa. They pass dangerous looking citizens of all types. PADME looks around in awe at this exotic enviroment.

QUI-GON : ...moisture farms for the most part, but also a few indigenous
tribes and scavengers. The few spaceports like this one are havens for those who do not wish to be found...
PADME : ....like us.

ARTOO whistles along, with perfect confidence.

EXT. MOS ESPA - JUNK DEALER PLAZA - DAY

The GROUP comes to a little plaza surrounded by several junk spaceship
dealers.

QUI-GON : "I sense this shop maybe the only one on this planet that can help"

They head for a little junk shop that has a huge pile of broken spaceships
stacked up behind it.

INT. WATTO'S JUNK SHOP - DAY

QUI-GON, PADME, and ARTOO enter the dingy junk shop and are greeted
by WATTO, a pudgy blue alien who flies on short little wings like a
hummingbird.

WATTO : (subtitled) Hi chuba da naga? (What do you want?)
QUI-GON : I need parts for a J-type 327 Nubian.
WATTO : Ah yes, ah yes. Nubian. We have lots of that. What kinda junk?
(subtitled) Peedenkel! Naba dee unko (Boy, get in here! Now!)
QUI-GON : My droid here has a readout of what I need.

A good looking young boy, ANAKIN SKYWALKER, runs in from the junk yard. He is about 13 years old, very dirty, and dressed in rags. WATTO raises a hand, and ANAKIN flinches.

Padme is taken a back by Anakin, the pair look at each other, smile, and then look away again...

WATTO : (subtitled) Coona tee-tocky malia? (What took you so long?)
ANAKIN : (subtitled) Mel tassa cho-passa... (I was cleaning the bin like
you...)
WATTO : (subtitled) Chut-Chut! Ganda doe wallya. (Never mind! Watch the
store) Me dwana no bata. (I've got some selling to do here.) (to Gui-Gon)
Soooo, let me take- a thee out back. Ni you'll find what you need.

ARTOO and QUI-GON follow WATTO toward the junk yard, leaving
PADME and ANAKIN.

QUI-GON takes the part out of his hand and puts it back. Turns, and sterny looks back at Anakin...

QUI-GON "Look after her...."

ANAKIN leans back on the counter, trying to be cool and pretending to clean a part, staring at PADME. She is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. PADME is a little embarrassed by his stare, but she musters up an amused smile. Finally, he gets the courage to speak.

ANAKIN : So what brings you to this charming planet?
Padme: "Why do you think we are not from here?"
Anakin "You don't have the taint and hopelessness so many people have here"
PADME : We're just passing through our ship is damaged, we need to repair it..

PADME looks at him, not knowing what to say, and becoming a little embarrassed because of the handsome young man addressing her, she is not used to such situations

PADME : So you work here?
ANAKIN : Since I was very little, three, I think. My Mom and I were sold to
Gardulla the Hutt, but she lost us, betting on the Podraces, to Watto, who's a lot better master than Gardulla, I think.
PADME : You're...a slave?

ANAKIN looks at PADME defiantly.

ANAKIN : I am a person! My name is Anakin.
PADME : I'm sorry. I don't fully understand. (looking around)This is a
strange world to me. Where I come from slavery was abolished a long time ago
ANAKIN studies her intently.

Padme starts playing with her hair, both seem sheepish and embarrassed, acting a little awkward and aren't sure what to say...

EXT. WATTO'S JUNK YARD - BEHIND SHOP - DAY

WATTO reads a small portable monitor he is holding. He stands before a
hyperdrive.

WATTO : ...Here it is...a T-14 hyperdrive generator!! Thee in luck, I'm the
only one hereabouts who has one...but thee might as well buy a new ship. It would be cheaper, I think...Sying of which, how's thee going to pay for all this?
QUI-GON : I have 20,000 Republic dataries.
WATTO : Republic credits?!? Republic credits are no good out here. I need
something more real...
QUI-GON : I don't have anything else. (raising his hand) But credits will do
fine.
WATTO : No they won'ta. QUI-GON, using his mind power, waves his hand again.
QUI-GON : Credits will do fine.
WATTO : No, they won'ta. What you think you're some kinda Jedi, waving your hand around like that? I'm a Toydarian. Mind tricks don'ta work on me-only money. No money, no parts! No deal! And no one else has a T-14 hyperdrive, I promise you that.....

INT. WATTO'S JUNK SHOP - DAY

Watto and Qui-Gon re-enter the shop, ANAKIN and PADME are oblivious, engrossed observing one another.

QUI-GON hurries into the shop, followed by ARTOO.

QUI-GON : We're leaving.

PADME gives ANAKIN a loving look....

PADME : I'm glad I met you,....ah...
ANAKIN : ...Anakin.
PADME : Anakin.
ANAKIN : Anakin Skywalker.
PADME : Padme... I have to go...

PADME turns, and ANAKIN looks sad as he watches her leave.

ANAKIN : I'm glad I met you too.

WATTO enters the junk yard, shaking his head.

WATTO : (subtitled) Ootmians! Tinka me chasa hopoe ma booty na nolia.
(Outlanders! They think because we live so far from the center, we don't
know nothing.)
ANAKIN : (subtitled) La lova num botaffa. (They seemed nice to me.) WATTO : (subtitled) Fweepa niaga. Tolpa da bunky dunko. (Clean the racks, then you can go home.)

ANAKIN looks very happy and heads out...

EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - ALCOVE - DAY

QUI-GON, ARTOO, and PADME have found a quiet spot between two
buildings. The busy street beyond is filled with dangerous looking
creatures. QUI-GON is talking on his com-link. OBI-WAN is in the main hold of the Naboo craft.

QUI-GON : ...Obi-Wan, you're sure there isn't anything of value left on
board?
OBI-WAN : (V.O) A few containers of supplies, the Queen's wardrobe, maybe.
Not enough for you to barter with. Not in the ammounts you're talking about.
QUI-GON : All right. Another solution will present itself. I'll check back.

QUI-GON puts his comlink away and starts out into the main street.
Padme "I'm concerned Qui-Gon, could we get robbed?"
QUI-GON : Not likely. We have nothing of value, that's our problem.......

SpaceAlex
08-04-2009, 05:38 AM
Hmm, not bad. Some thoughts:

- The whole "new energy source" thing seems a little far-fetched, but no more than Star Wars itself, so I like it. :D

- I like the very beginning, featuring Yoda, Supreme Chancellor, Mace... Definitely something I would like to see in a movie. :thmbup1:

- I understand the need to remove Jar Jar, but instead of completely removing him from the script, I would make him act less like of a clown and give him less screen time (definitely wouldn't take him to Tatooine). Basically, he would need a whole new personality.

- I mostly like what you did to Padme (I'm sort of expecting the Queen to die :p), but some (not all) of her dialog is questionable, I feel - perhaps you should make her emit more of that "I'm an educated person" vibe (like making her say mother instead of mum).

- The biggest problem I had with the first prequel movie was the lack of info on Maul - he was nothing more than a pointless villain that just happened to look cool and be good with a lightsaber. So, please, give him more screen time, tell us more about his past (maybe through his own memories), and why he is following Palpatine.

That's all I have for now. *waits for the next chapter*

jonathan7
08-04-2009, 09:41 AM
Elsewhere in the Universe a shadowy figure (Darth Sidious) is in discussions with Servous Hill (Head of the InterGalactic Banking Clan) via Hologram...

DS: "Servous Hill, a pleasure"
SH: "I had heard rumours of the existence of a Sith Lord"
DS: "Being the head of the universes largest bank, grants certain privileges, I have a proposal you may well be interested in"
SH: "Oh?"
DS: "A most profitable proposal, your clan owns many weapon manufactures does it not? You also have a controlling interest with Kamino's cloners don't you?"
SH: "You would be correct"
DS "Good... I propose we engineer a war between the Republic and a set of systems unhappy with various aspects of the Republic - such a war could be very profitable for you, especially if the Republic ordered a Clone Army"
SH: "You are very well informed Lord Sidious - only very few know of my clans controlling interests there. But what do you get out of this?
DS "All I want is to eradicate the Jedi, I presume you have no objection, they have a talent for interrupting profitable endeavours"
SH "Indeed, Lord Sidious, this is a mutually beneficial agreement, I shall manipulate the Senators I own in the Republic, to provide finance for a 'Top Secret Republic Research project' to fund this; while manipulating others to place an order for a Clone Army with the Kaminoans. However any Clone army will take around 10 years to complete"
DS "Excellent, I think it best if we keep the details of such a plan just between us; I shall be in contact again soon...."

The shadowy figure's hologram flickers out, Servous Hill leans back in his chair looking very satisfied....

Back on Tatooine.....

Qui-Gon, Padme and R2 are in Tatooine's market. Qui-Gon is in discussions with a local, Padme is becoming bored and restless at this rather technical discussion about spaceships and wonders off a little bit to inspect a store.

Two shady looking men approach her

Ripper "Here, look at this fine young beauty"
Bundy "Fetch a very high price she would"

Ripper grabs Padme by the mouth so she can't screen, Padme is looking very frightened and trys struggling, she drops her bag in the process, its also usefless she can't over power the older man...

Then a comanding voice comes;

Anakin "Let her go"

Anakin has a blaster pointed directly at Ripper's head...

Ripper releases Padme who runs over to Qui-Gon, the Jedi Master seeing Anakin has got himself into a spot of bother walks over.

Qui-Gon (while gesturing with his hand) "There is no trouble here"
Ripper and Bundy "There is no trouble here"
Qui-Gon "What are you doing in the market today? You fancy a drink at the Cantina"
Ripper and Bundy "Why are we in the market? Lets head to the Caninta for a drink"

The two dangerous men walk off...

Qui-Gon turns to Anakin

Qui-Gon "Thank-you my young friend, be careful though - you have to live her, we are only passing through. He turns to Padme... "Please be more careful, this spacesport is very different to the surroundings you are used too". Qui-Gon stoops down to pick up Padme's bag, for a moment revealing his lightsaber to Anakin.
Qui-Gon "You should thank our young friend here for saving you..."

Padme looks star struck at Anakin, and managers to blurt out a "Thank-you"

Anakin: (similing) "Don't mention it - I should show you guys around before you get into any more trouble"

Qui-Gon has a wry grin on his face...

EXT. TATOOINE - DESERT - SPACESHIP - DAY

OBI-WAN stands in front of the Naboo spacecraft as the wind picks up and
begins to whip at his robe. CAPTAIN PANAKA exits the ship and joins him.

OBI-WAN : This storm's going to slow them down.
CAPT. PANAKA : It looks pretty bad. We'd better seal the ship.

CAPTAIN PANAKA'S comlink sounds off.

CAPT. PANAKA : (Cont'd) Yes?
CAPT. PANAKA : We'll be right there.

EXT. MOS ESPA - STREET - FRUIT STAND - DAY

ANAKIN and the GROUP stop at a fruit stand run by a jolly, but very poor,
old lady named JIRA.

ANAKIN : How are you feeling today, Jira?
JIRA : The heat's never been kind to me, you know, Annie!
ANAKIN : "Guess what? I've found that cooling unit I've been searching for. Here it is", Anakin produces a small unit from his bag "It was pretty beat up but I managed to fix it, here take it..."
JIRA : You're a fine boy, Annie.
ANAKIN : I'll take four pallies today. (to Padme) You'll like these...

ANAKIN : (Cont'd) Whoops, I thought I had more...Make thgat three, I'm not hungry.
JIRa: "It's ok Anakin, you do so much for me you can have four"

The wind picks up. SHOP OWNERS are starting to close up their shops as JIRA gives them their pallies.

JIRA : Gracious, my bones are aching...storm's coming on, Annie. You'd
better get home quick.
ANAKIN : (to QUI-GON) Do you have shelter?
QUI-GON : We'll hed back to our ship.
ANAKIN : Is it far?
PADME : On the outskirts.
ANAKIN : You'll never reach the outskirts in time...sandstorms are very,
very dangerous. Come with me. Hurry!

The GROUP follows ANAKIN as he rushes down the windy street.

On Coruscant the Muunilinst senator Hors Hilal is receiving a transmission from Servous Hill...

SH: "Hors, I hear you have some considerable gambling debts, how about I pay them off in turn for a small favour"
HH Smiles and says; "What can I do for you Servous"
SH "Please pass through an act for a "Top Secret Research Project" pass it via the Republic Defence Committee and give it high level funding, I shall send through the account number"
HH: "A pleasure doing business with you..."

Servous hologram flickers out...

Now in honourable Senator Mathis Vichez's senate room; Servous Hill's hologram flickers infront of Senator Mathis Vichez.

SH "Senator Mathis Vichez I trust the donation of the InterGalactic banking Clan has served to help with the humanitarian situation on your world"
MV "Yes Chairman Hill - I know I speak for all my people when I say we cannot thank-you enough for your massive donation"
SH "I'm sorry I cannot do more Senator, I did hope however I could share a concern with you, that perhaps your friendship with Master Sifo-Dyas might help with"
MV "How do you mean Chairman?"

SH "I am gravely worried by the moves of the Trade Federation on Naboo, and fear a war that could spread could form. I think the time has come to create a Grand Army of the Republic. However we would need to do this in secret and it would take years to make. The senate and Jedi Council would never agree to it. But after what happened on your world, and is happening on Naboo - I'm sure you agree with me. If I brief you of the particulars, could you arrange a secret meeting with the Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas. I'm sure he would be sympathetic to our cause. It would be best if he placed the order where I intend - I shall provide the finances"

MV "I shall think about it, I presume this is all in the strictest of confidence?"
SH "Indeed Senator, I shall give you the account details you need; let me know of any success you have"

The senators hologram flickers out...

Returning to Tatooine....

EXT. MOS ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - STREET - SANDSTORM - DAY

The wind is blowing hard as QUI-GON, and PADME follow ANAKIN down
the street and into a slave hovel.

INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL - MAIN ROOM - DAY

QUI-GON, ARTOO, and PADME enter a small living space.

ANAKIN : Mom! Mom! I'm home.

Anakin's mother, SHMI SKYWALKER, a warm, friendly woman of forty, enters from her work area and is startled to see the room full of people.

SHMI : Oh, my!! Annie, what's this?
ANAKIN : These are my friends, Mom. This is Padme, and...gee, I don't know any of your names.
QUI-GON : I'm Qui-Gon Jinn. ARTOO lets out a little beep.
PADME : ...and our droid, Artoo-Detoo.
ANAKIN : I'm building a droid. You wanna see?
SHMI : Anakin! Why are they here?
ANAKIN : A sandstorm, Mom. Listen.

The wind HOWLS outside.

QUI-GON : Your son was kind enough to offer us shelter.
ANAKIN : Come on! Let me show you Threepio!

ANAKIN leads PADME into the other room. ARTOO follows, beeping all the way. QUI-GON takes five small capsules from his utility belt and hands them to SHMI.

QUI-GON : I have enough food for a meal.
SHMI : Oh, tank you. Thank you so much. I'm sorry if I was abrupt. I'll
never get used to Anakin's surprises.
QUI-GON : He's a very special young man. SHMI looks at him as if he's discovered a secret.
SHMI : Yes, I know.

INT. ANAKIN'S HOVEL - BEDROOM - DAY

ANAKIN shows off his ANDROID, which is lying on his workbench. There is one eye in the head; the body, arms, and legs have no outer coverings.

ANAKIN : Isn't he great?! He's not finished yet.
PADME : He's wonderful!
ANAKIN : You really like him? He's a protocol droid...to help Mom. Watch!

ANAKIN pushes a switch, and the DROID sits up. Anakin rushes around, grabs an eye and puts it in one of the sockets.

THREEPIO : How do you do, I am See-Threepio, Human Cyborg Relations. How might I serve you?
PADME : He's perfect.
THREEPIO : Perfect, Oohh, I do say
ANAKIN : When the storm is over, you can see my racer. I'm building a
Podracer!

PADME smiles at his enthusiasm. ARTOO lets out a flurry of beeps and
whistles.

THREEPIO : I beg your pardon....what do you mean I'm naked?

ARTOO BEEPS

THREEPIO : (Cont'd) My parts are showing? Oh, my goodness. How embarrassing!

EXT. CORUSCANT - BALCONY OVERLOOKING CITY - NIGHT

DARTH SIDIOUS and DARTH MAUL look out over the vast city.

DARTH MAUL : Tatooine is sparsely populated. I
will find them quickly, Master.
Darth Sidious: "How did you find them?"
Darth Maul: "From the space battle, I found that there hyperdrive was leaking, they could only move a certain distance, the only planet in that range not controlled by the Trade Federation, as such its the only place they can be"
Darth Sidious "Excellent Lord Maul, your cunning impresses me"
Darth Maul "Thank-you, my Lord"
DARTH SIDIOUS : Move against the Jedi first...you will then have no
difficulty taking the Queen back to Naboo, where she will sign the treaty.
DARTH MAUL : At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will
have revenge.
DARTH SIDIOUS : You have been well trained, my young apprentice, since I found you as a small child I have trained you... You have become very powerful, your skill with a lightsaber few can match.
Darth Maul: I know my master
Darth Sidious: The Jedi will be no match for you. It is too late for them to stop us now. Everything is going as planned. The Republic will soon be in my command.
Darth Maul: "And the Jedi destroyed"
Darth Sidious: "Indeed Lord Maul, I will have another mission for you when you return from Tatooine"

DARTH MAUL and DARTH SIDIOUS look out over the city.

Spanning across to the Senate, Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas (looks like Ken_Watanabe) approaches the senate, the building is mostly abandoned and dark due to it being night time. He heads upto Senator Mathis Vichez's room.

MV: "Greetings, thanks for seeing me so soon"
SD: "Anything for an old friend - I think I know what you will ask of me, for I have already had visions of a great conflict looming. The republic is in danger. I don't think the Jedi Council will act though, what must be done, must be done in secret"
MV: "We have much to discuss"

Returning to Tatooine and Mos Espa in the middle of the Sandstorm.....

SpaceAlex
08-04-2009, 10:40 AM
Pretty good, pretty good.

ForeverNight
08-04-2009, 11:25 AM
Dang, having just seen the movie again last night it's really vivid in my mind... and I think I enjoy this version much, much more!

Trench
08-04-2009, 12:05 PM
This is good, but I kinda miss Jar-Jar:p.

Demongo
08-04-2009, 02:21 PM
This is good, but I kinda miss Jar-Jar:p.

You must be joking. I can live without him:xp:

machievelli
08-05-2009, 11:53 AM
read

jonathan7
08-05-2009, 04:20 PM
The giant sandstorm engulfs the town, including the Naboo spaceship on the outskirts of the city center, where Watto's ship is; and the slave quarters, where drifts of sand begin building up against Anakin's house.

In the Skywalker home;

QUI-GON, ANAKIN, SHMI, and PADME are seated around a makeshift table, having dinner as the wind howls outside.

SHMI : All slaves have transmitters placed inside their bodies somewhere.
ANAKIN : I've been working on a scanner to try and locate them, but no luck.
SHMI : Any attempt to escape...
ANAKIN : ...and they blow you up...poof!

PADME looks horrified.

PADME : I still can't believe there is still slavery in the galaxy. The Republic's anti-slavery laws...
SHMI : The Republic doesn't exist out here...we must survive on our own.

An awkward silence. ANAKIN attempts to end the embarrassment.

ANAKIN : Have you ever seen a Podrace?

PADME shakes her head no. She notices the concern of SHMI.

QUI-GON : They have Podracing on Malastare. Very fast, very dangerous.
ANAKIN : I'm the only human who can do it here on Tatooine

SHMI looks askance at her son.

ANAKIN : (Cont'd) Mom, what? I'm not bragging. It's true. Watto says he's
never heard of a human doing it.
QUI-GON : You must have Jedi reflexes if you race Pods.

ANAKIN smiles.

ANAKIN : I...I was wondering...something...
QUI-GON : What?
ANAKIN : Well, ahhh...you're a Jedi Knight, aren't you?
QUI-GON : What makes you think that?
ANAKIN : I saw your laser sword. Only Jedi carry that kind of weapon.

QUI-GON leans back and slowly smiles.

QUI-GON : Perhaps I killed a Jedi and stole it from him.
ANAKIN : I don't think so... No one can kill a Jedi Knight.
QUI-GON : I wish that were so...
ANAKIN. I had a dream I was a Jedi. I came back here and freed all the
slaves...have you come to free us?
QUI-GON : No, I'm afraid not...
ANAKIN : I think you have...why else would you be here?

QUI-GON thinks for a moment.

QUI-GON : I can see there's no fooling you...(leans forward) You mustn't letnanyone know about us...we're on our way to Coruscant, the central system in the Republic, on a very important mission, and it must be kept secret. ANAKIN : Coruscant...wow...how did you end up here in the outer rim?
PADME : Our ship was damaged, and we're stranded here until we can repair it.
ANAKIN : I can help! I can fix anything!
QUI-GON : I believe you can, but our first job is to aquire the parts we
need...
PADME : These junk dealers must have a weakness of some kind.
SHMI : Gambling. Everything here revolves around betting on those awful
races.
QUI-GON : Podracing... Greed can be a powerful ally.. if it's used properly.
ANAKIN : I've built a racer! It's the fastest ever...There's a big race
tomorrow, on Boonta Eve. You could enter my pod. It's all but finished...
SHMI : Anakin, settle down. Watto won't let you...
ANAKIN : Watto doesn't know I've built it. (to Qui-Gon) You could make him
think it's your's, and you could get him to let me pilot it for you.

QUI-GON looks to SHMI. She is upset.

SHMI : I don't want you to race, Annie...It's awful. I die every time Watto
makes you do it.

ANAKIN : But Mom, I love it...and they need help...they're in trouble. The
prize money would more than pay for the parts they need.
GUI-GON : Your mother's right. Is there anyone friendly to the Republic who might be able to help us?

SHMI shakes her head no.

ANAKIN : We have to help them, Mom...you said that the biggest problem in the universe is no one helps each other...
SHMI : Anakin, don't...

PADME : I'm sure Qui-Gon doesn't want to put your son in danger. We will
find another way...
SHMI : No, Annie's right, there is no other way... I may not like it, but he
can help you...he was meant to help you.
ANAKIN : Is that a yes? That is a yes!

The storm continues to rage outside the slave hovel.

EXT. MOS ESPA - JUNK DEALER PLAZA - DAY

The storm has passed. VENDORS and STREET PEOPLE clean up the mess and rebuild their food stalls.

PADME stops QUI-GON as he is about to enter the shop.

PADME : Are you sure about this? Trusting our fate to a boy we hardly know. The Queen will not approve.
QUI-GON : The Queen does not need to know.
PADME : Well, I don't approve.
Qui-Gon Well your highness, lets just say I have a feeling the boy will win

QUI-GON turns and starts into the shop.

INT. WATTO'S JUNK SHOP - DAY

WATTO and ANAKIN are in the middle of an animated discussion in Huttese.

WATTO : Patta go bolla!
ANKAIN : No batta!
WATTO : Pedunky. Maa kee cheelya.
ANAKIN : Bayno, Bayno!

QUI-GON walks in, and WATTO and ANAKIN join him.

WATTO : The boy tells me you wanta sponser him insa race. You can't afford parts. How can you do this? Not on Republic credits, I think. (he laughs)
QUI-GON : My ship will be the entry fee.

QUI-GON pulls a small object that looks like a watch out of his pocket, and
a hologram of the Naboo spacecraft appears about a foot long in front of
WATTO. He studies it.

WATTO : Not bad...not bad...a Nubian.
QUI-GON : It's in good order, except for the parts we need.
WATTO : ...but what would the boy ride? He smashed up my Pod in the last race. It will take some time to fix it.

ANAKIN is embarrassed and steps forward.

ANAKIN : Ahhhh....it wasn't my fault really...Sebulba flashed me with his
vent ports. I actually saved the Pod...mostly.
WATTO : (laughing) That you did. The boy is good, no doubts there.
QUI-GON : I have...acquired a Pod in a game of chance. "The fastest ever
built."
WATTO : I hope you didn't kill anyone I know for it. (laughs) So, you supply
the Pod and the entry fee; I supply the boy. We split the winnings
fifty-fifty, I think.
QUI-GON : Fifty-fifty!?! If it's going to be fifty-fifty, I suggest you
front the cash for the entry. If we win, you keep all the winnings, minus
the cost of the parts I need...If we lose, you keep my ship.

WATTO thinks about this. ANAKIN tries not to be nervous.

QUI-GON : (Cont'd) Either way, you win.
WATTO : (subtitled) Deal! Yo bana pee ho-tah, meedee ya. (Your friend is a foolish one, methinks.)

Qui-Gon now revealing he speaks Watto's language; what makes you think I'm foolish?
Watto: "Don't get me wrong, the boy's good, but Sebulba is going to win"
Padme "What makes you say that?
Watto: "He has won every race here he has ever entered, Anakin has finished second the last few races, the boy is good, but I can't see him winning"
Qui-Gon "I'll take that bet... If Anakin wins he and his mother can go free and you get my pod"
Watto "No pod is worth two slaves, how about just one of them, his mother"
Qui-Gon "No, the boy!
Watto "We'll let chance decide" - Watto throws a fixed cube having shown he is blue and Qui-Gon red... The chance cube rolls

Qui-Gon flashes his hand, and dice lands on red...

Watto looks angry "Well it doesn't matter, Sebulba is going to win anyone" - Watto storms off in an angry manner.
EXT. NABOO SPACECRAFT - TATOOINE DESERT - DAY

OBI-WAN stands outside the Naboo spacecraft, speaking into his comlink.
QUI-GON is on the back porch of the hovel.

OBI-WAN : What if this plan fails, Master? We could be stuck here for a long time.
QUI-GON : (V.O) A ship without a power supply will not get us anywhere, and trust me Obi-Wan, the force is with us

EXT MOS ESPA - SLAVE QUARTERS - PORCH - DAY

QUI-GON puts the comlink away as SHMI comes onto the porch

PADME, ANAKIN, and ARTOO work on the engines of the Podracer in the
courtyard below.

QUI-GON : You should be proud of your son. He gives without any thought of reward.
SHMI : He knows nothing of greed. He has...
QUI-GON : He has special powers.
SHMI : Yes...
QUI-GON : He can see things before they happen. That's why he appears to have such quick reflexes. It is a Jedi trait.
SHMI : He deserves better than a slave's life.
QUI-GON : The Force is unusally strong with him, that much is clear. Who was his father?
SHMI : There was no father, that I know of...I carried him, I gave him
birth...I can't explain what happened. Can you help him?
QUI-GON : I'm afraid not. Had he been born in the Republic, we would have identified him early, and he would have become Jedi, no doubt...he has the way. But it's too late for him now, he's too old.

Elsewhere in the Galaxy Jedi Master Sifo-Dyas is flying into Kamino, and lands.... He is welcome and ushered into a meeting with the Kaminoan President Lama-Su...

LS "Greetings Master Jedi, it is a great honour to receive you here"
SD "Thank-you for seeing me, you have a reputation as the Galaxies best cloners"
LS "Our reputation is well earned"
SD "The following is highly confidential, but I am here representing, the Republic, her Senate and the Jedi Council. Several galaxy spanning entities are growing restless, the Jedi cannot keep the peace alone. As such I would like to make a very large order for a clone army, well over a million clones"

Master Sifo-Dyas hands over several data pads...

SD "You should find everything in order"
LS "Indeed, thank-you Master Jedi"
SD "Don't expect to see anyone regarding this until the time is right"
LS "Very well, we are always very discrete, though this is the largest order we have ever received"
SD "I must go, I have pressing business on Alderaan, but May the Force be with you..."

Sifo-Dyas departs the room....

On Coruscant Servous Hill's hologram flickers on in front of the mysterious Darth Sidious...

SH "Darth Sidious, I thought you would be interested to know that a very large order was just placed on Kamino for a clone army, meanwhile a great many credits just left a Republic account I had organised"
DS "You have done well Servous, this was much quicker than I expected"
SH "I have other matters to attend to Lord Sidious, Servous out"

Darth Sidious turns, as Jango Fett emerges from the shadows of the room.

DS "Soon, you will have your revenge on the Jedi, but first"
JF "What is required"
DS "Eliminate this Servous Hill - he knows too much, it would be preferable if it seemed to be a suicide - but just make sure he is dead"
JF "It's as good as done"
DS "Then take yourself to Kamino - they will need a template to clone, I'm sure you will make an impression"
JF "Yes, my Lord"

Returning to Tatooine.....

Trench
08-05-2009, 04:36 PM
Very nice:D Are you going to factor in the events of the "Bounty Hunter" video game, and Jango's audition for clone template?

Bee Hoon
01-02-2010, 08:45 AM
Small language notes: It's "taken aback", and a couple of instances with improper use of hyphens. "A venerable" is incorrect, as it is an adjective. The Force is our ally, not alley. There are more errors, but a slow and thorough proofread should get rid of most of them.

A bit more work is needed with speech of each separate character. For instance, Yoda's dialogue seems a bit awkward, but then again, inverted sentences always do :P I also don't see him using words like implication, perhaps a simpler substitute? In contrast, the Supreme Chancellor would be the type to have absolutely impeccable grammar. Obi Wan's tone of voice as in "the water fried my weapon" differs from the one in my head as well; I imagine him speaking more formally. Ditto for Padme, especially when she is addressing her mother. Additionally, she will be more deferential than affectionate. For example:
PADME bows before the her mother the QUEEN. "It's ok, you can give the handmaidens time off, I would consider it an honour to clean the droid myself"
I would write that as, "Mother, if you would, I should like to clean this droid myself.[/quote]

General comments, I find it much more believable that the Queen has a daughter and she is named Padme. It makes her less of a cradle robber, at any rate! However, increasing Anakin's age to 13, means that with hoo-ing and ha-ing around the galaxy, he could conceivably turn 15 before he even begins his training and that's really hard to justify. THe lack of Jar JAr is a relief; I'm not a fan of slapstick. On the new energy source, hmm, seems like a good reason for them to invade but then it also means that the Senate has more reason to intervene. What is this business about passing through an act for a top secret research project? Mayhap they would need approval, but even so they would need to buy lots of votes, and the communication would not be so straightforward. Try sugar-coating the deal between Hilal and Hill, with more allusions and sly references. Also now it occurs to me that they left the Queen alone @_@ Anakin's reactions are also more or less suited to a boy of 10 or 11, but less so for a 13-year-old. The elimination of Servous Hill is logical, but that suggests that others too may be added to the hit list, but I guess we'll see :)