View Full Version : Joe's Theories: A document on life's nuances.

08-17-2001, 08:09 PM
<font size=4 font color=red>JOE’S THEORIES</font>

Part One - Who is Joe?

Joseph Schell is a 21-year-old in a 15-year-old body. His maturity is not what reflects this, though. His maturity is definitely of a 15-year-old caliber, if not lower. What is so interesting about Joe are his thought process and intellectual acuity. Now, by intellectual acuity I don’t mean he is Einstein, King George the III, or Shakespeare. He does, however think a lot, and often times thinks so hard he falls into long periods of becoming fixated on one spot of the wall while standing in the kitchen, otherwise known as “Staring Comas”. During these 2 to 4 hour periods, Joe often mumbles things inaudibly and twitches. His parents are so familiar with these strings of motionless thought that they will guide him next to their recliners, coax him to his knees, and use him as a stand for iced tea and the TV guide. During these extreme thought processes (actually hard to discern from his normal behavior, except for the twitches) Joe miraculously seems to not need food or water, and will often come back to the real world so suddenly he finishes his last thought out loud and collapses from exhaustion. This usually scares the family cats out of their fur (Which are often leaves very messy piles of cat hair strewn about the room) and, depending on how Joe lands, can send him into your traditional coma, though these rarely last till dinner. Joe lived on a college campus for six years (from age 7 to age 13) which constitutes his strange thought process. He now lives in Pennsylvania, and have the tendency to find the strangest friends (hey Steve, Scot, the other Scot, Chris, Kyle… etc.). Now, my theories…

Part Two - What are Joe’s Theories?

I often find myself thinking about the many nuances of life, thinking about the things no one else ever had the time to care about. The only people who are my intellectual equal on this subject are autistic children and people locked in solitary confinement for the next eighteen years.
Small items in life are so interesting to me; I will spend hours trying to figure them out. I think I am the only person on earth to care whether or not a cheezit is a chip or a cracker. Is the sky is really blue, or are we just altering its actual color with our warped human vision? Did Elvis really die? Ok, so some people think he did not die, but I actually think maybe he is dead and he was cloned and is now running for Mongolian fish dancer of the year…
While I study the small things, I can inevitably come upon the larger things in life, the questions that most scholars spend years attempting to put into poetic context. But being the great Joe, S1DC, I came up with all kinds of great things to say in the most non-poetic ways I could. Sorry, Aristotle.

Part Three – Theory of Chaos

This theory deals directly with why I am writing this entire “Joe’s Theories” document. Chaos is the most simple ideas of our century, but is the most difficult to really understand fluently. How could this be? Because of chaos, of course! Chaos has one job: to create itself. We help it do that very well every day of our lives. In history, we created languages, the chief carrier of chaos, and currency, the main provocative of chaos. We take chaos into our everyday lives as a constant, and we plan around it, thus causing more chaos. We decide to buy two boxes of whatchamastuff instead of just one, even though we only need one. Why? Because we expect chaos, we expect the first box we bought to soon be replaced by the second in some crazy turn of events. What if the kids eat the first box in one night? What if the first box is spoiled? What if the first box gets lost, soiled, stale, crushed, forgotten, etc? We create chaos in our heads and bring it to reality. Chaos can be good, or bad, but its is mostly just something we sit next to and ignore.

Part four – Theory of music

Music is the one thing everyone on earth can relate to. Everyone has heard music; everyone has played some sort of music, even if it’s just tapping a beat on the wall of your elementary school stall. Music is very powerful, it can make someone laugh, cry, think, become extremely agitated, or put them to sleep. There are infinite types, such as rock, alternative, classical, folk, R&B, hip hop, reggae, ska, techno, house, instrumental, and countless others. What most people see is culture, but what I see is world domination. Imagine if someone could blast Mettalica all over the globe 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year? It would make some people very happy at first, and most everyone else very mad. Eventually, even those who used to like it would hate it, and the people who never did like it would be getting splitting headaches. Soon, the whole world is going crazy as “Sandman” plays all over the world. Then, one day, four years later, it turns off. The world rejoices! But oh no! While they were busy listening to the music, complaining about it, and getting headaches, they were also going deaf! Now the whole earth has gone deaf, so they all go out to find hearing aids. But alas, they are all gone! Every last hearing aid has been stolen, all the factories have been burned, and one person holds the key to hearing clearly once again: JOSPEH SCHELL!!! With my amazing power of domination over the hearing aid industry, the world must follow my every command. While this is an interesting theory, it has many flaws. First of all, how could you blast music all over the globe? In four years, wouldn’t someone have figured out they should wear earplugs? Why didn’t anyone notice Joe and his henchmen carrying boxes of hearing aids away from nursing home and factories, then burning them down (after removing the elderly, of course)? And even if somehow all that worked out, and Joe does start passing out hearing aids for power, why don’t the people just duplicate them? I have one easy way to solve all these problems, but it requires ten tons of lime jello and I don’t want to explain.

Part five- Theory of Repetition

Repetition. The same thing happening over and over again without cease. Over. And over. And over. What is so interesting about something that we see over and over? Perhaps it is not that we see it over and over, but that we even do repeat. Why do the same things twice? Once you do it the first time, why do it again? You already experienced it, so move on! Some people would disagree with me. “Joe, if everybody did what you said, we would all die! Everyone eats more than twice, right?” Well, yes, never stop eating. But try it in different ways, such as with chopsticks or through an intravenous tube. Humans repeat too many things. One guy murders someone, then someone else, then someone else, over and over. What happens? Well, this person eventually gets caught. So what came from his repetition? He got into trouble. He did not get caught the first time. Not the third. Not the fourth, fifth, sixth, or seventh. He got caught none the less, though, so what purpose did he serve himself by killing more than once? He got caught. I say kill once, don’t get caught, and then learn to do something else. Like becoming a coroner so you can look at dead people and know it wasn’t your idea for them to be dead. At least then you are not repeating yourself then, right? Some things demand that you do not repeat them, such as suicide, or eating school cafeteria food. These things should be embraced, and calmly duplicated by society. No, wait, then society would be repeating itself by order of duplication, so never mind. Just read this whole thing again.

Saber One

"I came, I saw, I Fragged." http://www.angelfire.com/electronic2/saber/lightsaber_aqua_SP_LE_small.gif
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X-Wing Guy
08-17-2001, 08:43 PM
that's nice

Pikachu is an electric type and... "bombs go off and all pokefans and pokemon are dead" Now, about rogue squadron...

08-18-2001, 03:37 AM
Originally posted by X-Wing Guy:
that's nice


I will wipe out every single Jedi Knight off the face of this planet!