View Full Version : Some Australian Stuff

02-05-2002, 04:39 PM
:p Just got this in an email- I think it sums Australia up pretty well :D Actually- warning now, there's also an Australian joke at the end of this post, and it involves Jesus- so I'm giving plenty of warning now to people like Mek, coz I don't wanna offend anyone :) But if everyone wants me to remove the joke from the post, just say so and I will, no hard feelings :)

1) Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2) Only in Australia ... is "You awake?" the standard concept of foreplay.

3) Only in Australia ... do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their Panadol's, etc., while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4) Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries ... and a Diet Coke.

5) Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open, have no armed guards and chain the pens to the counter.

6) Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store our junk in the garage.

7) Only in Australia ... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8) Only in Australia ... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" (poly) in Latin meaning "many," and "tics" meaning blood sucking creatures".

9) Only in Australia ... do we live by the saying "you're never too pissed if you can still find the floor".

Stand proud Australia....!!!

An Australian, an Irishman, and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when, suddenly, the Irishman cried out, "My God! I know who that man is. It's Jesus!"
The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sittingalone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge, "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thanks and drink.
The Englishman then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus".
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus".
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a schooner of VB for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.
Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement,"Oh God! My arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Englishman's hand, thanking him for the Newcastle. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock, "By jove, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone! It's a miracle!!!"
Jesus then goes to approach the Australian who has a terrified look on his face.
"Back off mate! - I'm on compo!!"

02-05-2002, 06:44 PM
OK those 9 were halarious. I must turn away and burst out laughing now. *High pitched sounds are heard in the backround*

02-07-2002, 03:50 AM
Ahhh our criminal cousins make me proud! ;)

Al-back from the BigWhoop
02-07-2002, 11:46 AM

02-07-2002, 04:02 PM
forgive my ignorance but what is a "compo"?

02-07-2002, 05:14 PM
Hey, I read the same list once, several years ago... except instead of "Only in Australia," it was "Only in America"!

02-07-2002, 05:41 PM

I think the list suits Australia more Brief :p

02-08-2002, 04:19 AM
The list could be applied to England too. Except for point number 2. We are to reserved to even contemplate the existence of foreplay! :D

02-08-2002, 01:20 PM
Well, here's the original Only in America list, which has been around since 1998...

Originally posted to rec.humor.funny (http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=Scd8.63b4%40netfunny.com&output=gplain)
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America... do w leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

Besides, don't the Aussies call them "chips," like the Brits do, instead of "fries," like the Yanks?:p

02-08-2002, 01:55 PM
lol, especcially the Hot dogs!

02-08-2002, 02:02 PM
Actually, in many places, such as McDonalds, Burger King, etc, they're called 'French Fries', which is stupid because they're actually Belgian...

02-08-2002, 02:27 PM
You learn somethign every day..... didn't expect to learn something on the weekend though.

02-10-2002, 06:10 AM
You'd be surprised how many people call them 'fries' rather than 'chips' these days :mad: Stupid American people :p no wonder there are sooooooo many try-hard homies wondering the streets these days

Al-back from the BigWhoop
02-10-2002, 07:41 AM
any1 seen fender around here latelly? :p ;) :p