View Full Version : More LotR Secret Diaries!
02-21-2002, 11:01 PM
You may remember the first batch that were posted that covered the main characters. Well now I'll start posting the second batch that covers the other characters. Enjoy! :D
The Very Secret Diary of Arwen Undomiel
Broke up with Aragorn today. He would insist on giving me a clay pipe and a pair of breeches for Valentine’s Day when I specifically requested a nightie. Have sent him away from Rivendell.
Bored and lonely. Regret having sent Aragorn away. So what if he wanted me to dress up in a curly wig and hop around on my knees during intimate moments? Am sure other humans have equally odd hangups. Wish I could be interested in Elf men, but ever since debacle with Glorfindel back in Second Age when he accused me of copying his hairstyle, have given up on my own kind.
Someone’s been trying on my dresses again. They are all stretched out of shape, especially the purple one.
Legolas got all shirty when I accused him of trying on my dresses. He says I have impugned his masculinity. What masculinity?
Legolas still sulking. Says other elves making fun of him now since whole dress-trying-on-incident. Says they no longer take him seriously as a man. He must have missed it when Daddy called him “the gayest gay elf that ever nanced down the pike” at last Council meeting. Or maybe he just didn’t understand it; he’s awfully pretty, but not so bright.
Too, too, too bored. Perhaps will leave Rivendell in search of adventure, or shopping.
Went all the way to the Gap of Rohan only to find there is no Gap in Rohan. Not even a Banana Republic. False advertising!
Went to Bree. Asked Barliman if had seen Aragorn lately. Barliman said, “What, that pervy hobbit-fancier?” Told him he must be thinking of other Aragorn son of Arathorn. He said, “The ‘Still Not King guy, right?’ Did not respond; some people don’t deserve my conversation.
Have been following Aragorn for two days now. Have never really seen hobbits close up before. Suddenly business with curly wig and prosthetic feet starting to make sense. V. annoyed. Slow burn.
Doesn’t he ever wash his hair when I’m not around?
Is official. Aragorn a complete pervy hobbit-fancier. Is obviously into little blue-eyed hobbit Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Cornered Sam while he was out looking for herbs. Explained to him exactly how it was possible to kill human men instantly and silently using just a fork and a rubber band. Turned him around, gave him little push in Aragorn’s direction... alas no dice. “But we need him to protect Frooodo, scary elf lady!”
Whingy little hobbit, I’ve no patience at all.
Finally decided to take care of Aragorn myself; was about to slit his cheating throat when was distracted by howling moans of Ringbearer. Decided to annoy Aragorn by hobbit-napping bite-sized hero and taking him for extended pony ride.
Little hobbit really rather adorable, blast him.
Cannot believe am getting all swoony over hobbit. Repeat to self: “Aloof, unavailable elf princess. Aloof, unavailable elf princess.” Especially cannot believe am getting all swoony over greenish-looking, half-dead hobbit.
Chased by Ringwraiths. So tedious. Off to Rivendell.
Well, really. Cannot even get near Ringbearer, as Sam is always there, plus caught Aragorn sneaking around in shrubbery by hobbits’ quarters. Claimed he was looking for shard of Narsil he had misplaced.
Hobbits such a bother. Kitchen staff fussing – all out of carrots. Bathroom staff fussing – all out of strawberry scented bath bubbles. Legolas fussing – will not let me go to Council meeting as then he will not be prettiest. Strain is obviously getting to Daddy. Asked me yesterday in haggard manner whether I thought purple suited his complexion. Told him of course not, he is so obviously an autumn.
Spent all day hanging about on bridge looking pretty before Aragorn happened along. Accused him point-blank of hobbit-fancying. He told me that Isildur had been a pervy hobbit-fancier, and he was just trying to build his career in a similar fashion. Told him: “You are Isildur’s heir, not Isildur himself.” To which he replied, "If only you were a bit shorter, and had bigger feet.”
Spent quite the night with Gimli. Those braids! That axe! I am smitten. No more hobbits for me, it is dwarves all the way now. Well, perhaps might just pop by one last time to watch Sam give Frodo his bath. After all, I didn’t filch that bathroom key out of Aragorn’s pocket for nothing.
Next up is The Very Secret Diary of Gollum! Don't miss it! :D
02-21-2002, 11:13 PM
Please just PM me and tell me whre you're getting all these!!!!! They're hillarious
02-22-2002, 12:37 AM
You'll get them all soon enough. :D
The Very Secret Diary of Gollum
Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty Mountains only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron.
Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch “Flipper” over and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.
Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of “The Faculty.” Cannot cope. Have told them where Ring is.
Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am v. disappointed that in last few weeks no one has responded to personal ad placed in Shire Weekly. “Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed curly-headed hobbit. Must enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in third person. No smokers.”
Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as is constantly being half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and have developed fear of water since being forced to watch dolphin movie 300 times.
Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries.
Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Glorfindel, where was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwen’s dresses in front of mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest after all. Miss days of yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves, and elves wore trousers. Although something to be said for Legolas’ boots-and-skirt ensemble.
Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling him purple does not suit his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all the way to Gap of Rohan.
Cannot believe men still using hoary old ‘Blow the Horn of Gondor’ pickup line. Remember when original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now know why.
Too bad for Isildur’s Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously fancies Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain. Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.
Stowed away in Legolas’ backpack but excessive nancing was not good for stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products. Hope he does not notice.
Day Thirty One
V. Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasn’t looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum.
Day Thirty Three
Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v. mopey. Still carrying torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action was to try to talk it out, explain to Gandalf that while they are two extremely different people, with value systems and lifestyles that are in complete opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this sounded like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age, start living in the now.
Day Thirty Four
Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.
Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair. Gimli no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway.
Day Thirty Six
In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from Ringbearer by placing carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was embarrassed to be seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch. Legolas complained he is not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn’t exactly getting any older, either.
Day Thirty Nine
Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor. Perhaps after bite off his finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having dinner with me. Will just have to figure out how to get around Sam first.
Next up is a Ringwraith!
02-22-2002, 12:56 AM
Wow! These diaries are more popular than I thought! You can buy shirts, hats, shorts, and even mugs with the best lines on them! Check these things out!
Pervy Hobbit Fancier T-shirt! (http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/productdetail.aspx?prodno=2006672)
Sam Will Kill Me T-shirt! (http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/productdetail.aspx?prodno=2003026)
Naughty Horn of Gondor T-shirt! :D (http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/productdetail.aspx?prodno=2003988)
Great Aragorn/Legolas T-shirt! (http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/productdetail.aspx?prodno=2002350)
Aragorn and Frodo Cought T-shirt! :D (http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/productdetail.aspx?prodno=2002550)
Still Not King T-shirt! (http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/productdetail.aspx?prodno=2003723)
Still The Prettiest T-shirt! (http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/productdetail.aspx?prodno=2003914)
For the Ladies out There T-shirt! (http://www.cafepress.com/cp/store/productdetail.aspx?prodno=2006845)
I am so going to get a coffee mug or two! :D
02-22-2002, 09:32 AM
i loved the argon and fordo cought t-shirt
02-22-2002, 03:01 PM
V. Secret Diary of Ringwraith No. 5
Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty ring!
Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I detest this life of vile servitude.
V. bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is v. annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be v. happy when he has body back and can really dress up again.
Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.
Witch-King of Angmar’s suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.
Have been given brand spanking new horse.
Not for spanking, of course.
On minus side, still disembodied.
V. close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three “companions.”
Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude.
Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in Bree. V. much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.
Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders v. informative.
Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick)
Killed: 17 human men. Go us!
Have been following Isildur’s heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me although I did not notice I had been hit in knees with frying pan until later on. :lol:
Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur’s Heir today. Was so busy laughing at concept of Aragorn the Hobbit Fancier having “girlfriend” that inconveniently got washed away in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling.
No, not that kind of oiling.
Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren’t you, what?
Have we done Saruman before? If not, he's next. :)
02-22-2002, 06:08 PM
lol these ARE funny
the "sam will kill him if he tries anything" is there in them ALL
02-23-2002, 02:29 AM
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE
Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.
Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.
Have met v. nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks like.
Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except of one v. large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or perhaps hairy. Have heard some v. bad stories about palantir relationships. Should probably cool it for a while.
Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor. Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not far or hairy, just disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping nails pointy.
Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.
Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf. Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.
All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will save me daily stair climb.
Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip with four hobbits, a v. buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother, that's Aragorn son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whinging about not being King yet. Then there's a shady-looking character and some kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.
What a bunch of yobbos.
Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. V. tedious experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will not complain about pink uniforms.
Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just shows all the slime.
If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?
Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer v. impressed. Aragorn obviously fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that "Gondor" sounds just like "gonad" and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is just me.
Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir convinced smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.
Next up, Gandalf!
02-24-2002, 11:20 PM
Saruman's is the best of the new ones...:D
02-25-2002, 10:05 AM
I love Day Twenty of Saruman's. :p
02-25-2002, 11:10 AM
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY
In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was Frodo just hanging around in that field ******ating ":D" before I came along?
Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed. Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either. Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.
Massive ****ing hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.
Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably stealing paper out of my inbox again.
Day Thirteen :
Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.
Day Fourteen :
Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!
Day Sixteen :
Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I might have figured out he was evil before.
Day Nineteen :
Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.
Day Twenty :
Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.
Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious." Useless git.
Day Twenty-Three :
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.
Day Twenty-Five :
Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry about bad date we went on back in Second Age.
In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.
Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does, will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!
Have we had ones for Merry and Pippin before?
02-25-2002, 11:42 AM
I don't think so.
02-25-2002, 11:44 AM
LOL, u are making all the LOTR characters look gay.
02-25-2002, 11:45 AM
That's kinda the point. :rolleyes:
02-25-2002, 04:59 PM
Originally posted by Crazy_dog no.3
LOL, u are making all the LOTR characters look gay.
Uh, he didn't write these, he found them off a website, and they are trying to make all the characters sound gay, of course.
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