View Full Version : First Aid Tips

04-09-2002, 09:48 PM
-Keep a first aid kit in your car's glove compartment. It should contain alcohol, cotton balls, Jar Jar Band-Aides, ChapStick, car-bingo game, cigarettes, parking stubs, and a map of Ohio.

-In the event of decappitation, sit the victim's body in a chair as best you can, balance the head on top of the shoulders, and walk away nonchalantly.

-Always keep plenty of gauze around the house in case you invent an invisibility potion.

- If you did all you could and the victim still dies, pat him or her down for a snickers bar, its not like you don't deserve one.

- Nothing revives a stroke victim like an eye popping orgasm.

- If someone you know is seriously injured, cradle his or her head in your lap and scream "WHY?!?!?"

- Adminstering CPR is easy. Just do it like you saw on TV that one time.

- If a person requires artificial respiration, and you are of the same sex as the person, and no one of the opposite is around, then you are gay.

- To stop a nosebleed, apply pressure. To start a nosebleed, apply even greater pressure in short, repeated bursts.

- In the event of a Drug OD, contact Lou Reed immediately

- If the Heimlich maneuver is inneffective on a choking victim, grab his or her neck and squeeze downward to force the food into the stomach. If this fails, grab the victim's ankles and swing him or her around in a circle to force the food up

- Make sure your First Aid kit has many Victorian-Era fans to revive fainting victims.

- If you are a hideous, deformed, hunchback and you see an injurted person who is unconcious, treat the person. Then, as the person wakes up, retreat into hiding. The person will always wonder who saved him or her, and the experience will be poingent and bittersweet.

- As a rule of thumb, always ask yourself this question: "What would Randolph Mantooth do?"

- If possible, try to be the guy who tells the victim, "Everything's alright," while others do the actual work

04-09-2002, 10:28 PM
:lol: Those are very funny. Do you have any more?

04-10-2002, 01:38 AM
Sorry, no :(, but y'all can come up with your own!