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Cpl. Shepard
05-14-2000, 08:52 PM
Keep all further replies one or two lines, please. Try to keep it realistic as well, and refrain from using refrences to Mr. T, Bill Clinton, McDonalds, etc...

One day Darth Maul was walking down a corridor on his ship when....

Piccolo
05-15-2000, 12:23 AM
a gigantic bottle of toothpaste ran up to him and kicked him in the nads....

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special beam cannon FIRE!!!!!!!!

http://www.geocities.com/kylilin/piccolo.jpg

Zoom Rabbit
05-15-2000, 07:15 AM
...Meanwhile, George the intelligent mailbox had come to an important turning point in his life. No longer happy with having mail shoved down his gullet, then forcibly regurgitated by the disembowelling mail handler, he decided to wreak his vengeance on the next innocent postal patron. With hateful, glowering patience, the demonic mailbox waited until...

President Reagan
05-15-2000, 07:18 AM
Spanish hyenas came for dinner.

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"I'm sorry...what was the question?"

Zoom Rabbit
05-15-2000, 07:19 AM
Um, Mr. President...that doesn't make any sense, sir.

President Reagan
05-15-2000, 07:20 AM
It doesn't?

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"I'm sorry...what was the question?"

Pink Monkey
05-15-2000, 07:22 AM
Help! Pink Monkey's arm is stuck in the mailbox!!!

Cpl. Shepard
05-16-2000, 09:21 PM
Darth Maul fell down the stairs and broke a rib. He screamed.....

Kylilin
05-17-2000, 03:21 AM
DESTRUCTO DISC!!!!!!!!!

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Kylilin, Jedi Master

Nice http://www.geocities.com/kylilin/Krillinblast.gif

[This message has been edited by Kylilin (edited May 17, 2000).]

Vagabond
05-17-2000, 12:54 PM
Maul's consciousness slipped away as he succumbed to the overwhelming pain.

Groggy and bruised, the next thing that Darth Maul knew, affectionaly known as Mauly Wauly by his tri-sexual life-partner, was that he'd been forcibly inserted into the anus of a large, sickly Bantha.

Must be some stupid joke by that lunatic bastard, Sidious.

Meanwhile, in orbit above Coruscant, Captain Pancake, of the Republic Cruiser Flatulence, was preparing to break wind...er, rather orbit...


------------------
VagabondNomad on the Zone...

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...

Zoom Rabbit
05-17-2000, 06:57 PM
Suddenly, George the demonic mailbox burst onto the bridge, scooped the astonished Captain Pancake up in its maw, and noisily devoured him on the spot.

Then George had the temerity to ask for seconds.

Hannibal
05-17-2000, 07:11 PM
George was denied seconds and dropped in a bath tub containing Jar Jar.

lightbulba
05-17-2000, 07:28 PM
in a devestatingly quick move, lt. chaka khan whipped her satin shawl against george's wooden post. a split-second later, she leapt with lightning-fast speed and hurriedly kicked george over, rushing back to her html editor to complete the chaka's message (http://www.chakakhan.com/message_from_ck.html) portion of her website.

meanwhile, as george lay moaning and dented on the floor of the star destroyer, a horrible sound filled his ears...yes, it could only be...

"rockin' in the free world" performed entirely on moog synthesizers!

george was rushed out immediately by loitering paramedics, but that didn't help but contribute to the fact that...
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http://www.starwars.com/snapshot/1999/20/img/merchant_sm.jpg

[This message has been edited by lightbulba (edited May 17, 2000).]

Orbvs_Terrarvm
05-17-2000, 09:24 PM
Out of no where Darth Sidius appeared on the holo sportin dookie chains and clock necklaces steady rockin the mic:
"Rub a dub dub in the tub...
I put some soap in my tub
for some rub a dub suds.
Whatcha gonna say with my soap in your mouth?"

Cpl. Shepard
05-17-2000, 11:02 PM
Darth Maul stumbled back in from the holo. For the first time in his life a look of terror registered on his face. Touching the area where he'd broke his rib several years earlier, he said, "My Master, I never......"

Kylilin
05-18-2000, 02:28 AM
...thought that this chocolate pudding would taste this good!!! It must be Jello, I love that Bill Cosby. Master, what do you think?....

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Kylilin, Jedi Master

Nice http://www.geocities.com/kylilin/Krillinblast.gif

President Reagan
05-18-2000, 05:08 AM
I like chocolate pudding. They give me medicine in chocolate pudding sometimes. How are you today?

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"I'm sorry...what was the question?"

Hannibal
05-18-2000, 12:58 PM
"Im not so good" replied Sidious "Its these damn lottery tickets, I didnt get one number right" Maul smirked" youll never win you have to be from Michigan or Iowa when will you learn". Sidious thought about Mauls words and...

Vagabond
05-18-2000, 04:57 PM
...then being caught up in the magic of the momment, Sidious gingerly took Maul's face in his hands, looked lovingly into his eyes, and then shot chain lightning directly into Maul's eye sockets - but not enough to damage him - not that there's anything wrong with that.

"Ow...that hurt. I thought you were going to kiss me", pouted Maul.

"My young apprentice, everything is proceeding according to my design", gloated Sidious more to himself than to Maul.

"What the Hell?", thought Maul, confused my Sidious's nonsensical statement. "What do you mean, my master"

"No, it is you, who are mistaken, about a great..many..things!" More self-directed giddiness overflowed from the maniac, Sidious.

Like a space cat pouncing on a space mouse, Maul leisurely checked over his shoulder to investigate the possibility that Sidious might actually be addressing someone else. Someone who might understand just what the hell he was talking about. Nothing but shadows.

Cautiously approaching, Maul demured, "Have I offended thee, my master?".

"Good! Good!, I can feel the hate swelling within you. With each passing momment, you become more and more my servant."

"Seriously, what the hell's wrong with you?", challenged Maul.

Glowering, Sidious turned to take in the defiant Maul, then approached him ever so slowly, until he could smell the putrid, decaying flesh in the teeth of his apprentice. Whispering ominously, Sidious revealed, "For the Jedi, it is time to eat as well..."


------------------
VagabondNomad on the Zone...

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...

LDB_Leeman
05-18-2000, 05:15 PM
"Here, would you like a Twix?" asked Sidious, holding up the delicious combination of Caramel, chocolate and biscuit.
"Ooh, thanks!" replied Maul, snatching the treat from his masters' hands. "You know, I've always loved eating chocolate, ever since..."

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www.thereckoning.co.uk (http://www.thereckoning.co.uk) - My Personal Starcruiser.


[This message has been edited by LDB_Leeman (edited May 18, 2000).]

Hannibal
05-18-2000, 06:42 PM
...the 84' olympics. That Mary Lou Rettin can do a cart wheel." daydreams Darth Maul. Then Maul stood up and stormed out the room. Sidious thought "What a wimp, I should have chosen a truly evil apprentice." Sidious ponders "I wonder what Cody Gifford is doing? His evil has no match. I must..."

[This message has been edited by Hannibal (edited May 18, 2000).]

lightbulba
05-18-2000, 07:12 PM
...call mother! she must be worried sick." he promptly summoned the intergalactic communicator, and had a wholesome and thoughtful discussion with his matriarchal predescessor. that is, until...
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http://www.starwars.com/snapshot/1999/20/img/merchant_sm.jpg

[This message has been edited by lightbulba (edited May 18, 2000).]

mechaman
05-18-2000, 08:30 PM
The entire race of Ewoks flood the star destroyer's bridge, sheer, blinding, intense terror fills the hearts of all of the imperial offeicers taking over the ship!. Wicket unknowingly wanders over to the self-destruct button with a final yub-yub. But then, out of nowhere arrives...

mechaman
05-18-2000, 08:41 PM
LUKE THE WHINING FARM BOY FROM THE FUTURE!!! Darth Maul's lower half flys by his X-Wing

Zoom Rabbit
05-18-2000, 09:01 PM
Meanwhile, ten thousand years later and in another part of the galaxy altogether, Snarftwinkle the artificial blue plastic androgyne found itself confronted by yet another social dilemma. The terrorist mopheads were thowing an annual feast honoring the waffle god Bendayho, but Snarftwinkle's obligations from its being a founding member of the Noninterest Society required it to attend a stock meeting.

Despondently, Snarftwinkle kicked open the window and hooted its disapproval at the sun. Offended, the sun decided to...

[This message has been edited by Zoom Rabbit (edited May 18, 2000).]

Pink Monkey
05-19-2000, 04:57 AM
Reward all the people with bananas and bright, pretty birds.

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"Eep! Eep! Eep!"

Zoom Rabbit
05-19-2000, 04:58 AM
Oh, I absolutely give up...

Vagabond
05-19-2000, 03:08 PM
Groggy and drained, Darth Maul awakened from his force-induced slumber. What a jacked-up dream that was. Tenderly, he checked his mid-section to ensure that he was in fact still whole.

"Damn, these recurring dreams where I keep getting cleaved in half!", complained the Apprentice Sith Lord.

But where was he? Instantly, the Sith warrior fled to the shadows to observe his surroundings in safety. He appeared to be in some sort of emmense cavern, pocked with searing lava-pools and suffocating, sulfuric fumes. "Where is the charm of this dismal hole", remarked Maul.

Fed up, he whipped out his secret-decoder Sith Lord communicator, and called out to his master, "Special Sith Lord Agent, Darth Maul, calling Grand Poobah Sith Lord, Dath Sidious, to you read me? Over."

After a slight pause that lingered for somewhere in the vicinity of 31.72 seconds, the familiarly irritated voice of Sidious crackled through the speaker, "Yes, what is it boy?"

"Well..er...funny thing. I seem to be in some sort of...Hell, if you will. I was hoping Your Evilness might send someone to retrieve me, my master"

Cackling laughter was his answer...


------------------
VagabondNomad on the Zone...

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...

Hannibal
05-19-2000, 04:09 PM
...and an idea formed on his wrinkled brow.

"I'm sending a package to you by FED-EX, when it arrives call me for further instructions" drooled Sidious.

When the package arrived Maul called on Sidious once more. Sidious ordered Maul to open the package. When the package opened a snowball immediately melted inside.

"Aha! So it is true." prespired Sidious "I knew...

[This message has been edited by Hannibal (edited May 19, 2000).]

Zoom Rabbit
05-19-2000, 06:02 PM
Disgusted with the situation, Darth Maul tossed the communicator into a nearby mailbox and wandered off in search of better information.

Before long, he came across Leona Helmsley, Martha Stewart and that annoying guy from the Xerox commercials, all sitting around a card table drinking tea.

"A tea party in hell?" bellowed the spike-faced one.

"Tea?" said Martha Stewart. "This is sand. Have some."

"Have you seen President Clinton around here?"

At that, the devil himself decided to...

Vagabond
05-19-2000, 08:07 PM
...smite these pitiful animals with some serious...smiting.

Time paused, nearly imperceptibly, and for that brief momment everything had that wavy appearance, like hot summer heat radiating off of hot permacrete, and then normality resumed...except for that fact that, standing right in front of Darth Maul, Dark Apprentice Lord of the Sith, stood Mr. T. and President Bill Clinton of the United States of America, both holding armfuls of happy meals.

"Who th'fool who ordered all these damn happy meals!?", blurted an understandably disturbed Mr. T.

"I did not order these happy meals, ever", professed the President of the United States of America, William Jefferson Clinton. "But, I share your pain."

"Hah hah hah", relished The Devil Himself, devlishly to himself. "This is...neat."

Head hanging low, disgust smeared all over his face, Secret Special Agent, and Sith Lord in Training, Darth Maul bared his teeth, held out his light saber parallel to the ground, first lighting one end, and then the other, creating quite a dramatic display.

"That is really quite lovely", complimented Martha Stuart. "I believe I could sell quite a few of those...neon broom handles are they?...to that trailer-park-trash that shops at K-Mart. Those fools will buy anything."

Incensed, Covert Sith Learner, Darth Maul...


------------------
VagabondNomad on the Zone...

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...



[This message has been edited by Vagabond (edited May 19, 2000).]

Cpl. Shepard
05-19-2000, 11:57 PM
...screamed "Have you no DECENCY? How can you do that to your poor K-Mart customers? HOW? Even in the darkest depths of the dark side we cannot find such evil! HOW CAN YOU!?"

Zoom Rabbit
05-20-2000, 03:58 AM
At that point, Billy Graham walked in wearing only a fetching neon pink maid's apron, carrying a tray of snacks. "Okay, break time! Everyone just cool down."

Supremely confused, Darth Maul sat on his own lightsaber. "A snack break? In hell?"

Leona Helmsley looked at the Sith lord in surprise. "Hell? Why, no...this is just the waiting room for purgatory."

Laughing, the devil pulled a lever, and Darth Maul swiftly fell through a trap door into the real hell: the casino floor of Harvey's in Lake Tahoe, with a convention of gay dwarves in town.

http://www.jediknight.net/mboard/biggrin.gif

Kylilin
05-20-2000, 05:21 AM
Maul, realizing what danger he was in, bolted out the door into another club, the <font color=blue>Blue Oyster</font>, in this club he met up with a bunch of his biker buddies from the old days of his riding with the hells angels. He spent the rest of the night dancing away to his favorite showtunes. The next morning he woke up to find....

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Kylilin, Jedi Master and silly guy

Nice http://www.geocities.com/kylilin/talkril.gif

LDB_Leeman
05-20-2000, 11:52 AM
...that he was in a dingy alleyway, his fingernails were a shockingly bright shade of pink, and that a lovely braid pattern had been woven inbetween his horns.
Standing up and dusting himself off, he began to wonder exactly where the hell he was.
Stumbling out of the alleyway, he was stopped in his tracks by a withered old man, who looked strangely familiar. However, Maul could not understand a word this frail figure was saying.
"Wh-who are you? What are you saying?"
Frustrated, Maul reached for his lightstaff, ignited it, and...

Cpl. Shepard
05-21-2000, 02:46 AM
...as he ignited it the lightstaff turned into a three foot long hotdog with mustard, some red stuff, and relish.

"What the..."

Hannibal
05-22-2000, 12:08 PM
...hell?!?!! I didn't order any red stuff on my lightstaff."
So Maul returned to the vendor and complained.
"Whats with this red stuff?" he questioned.
"Eat it, horn boy!!!" replied the vendor.
Maul quivered in his boots and ate the lightstaff then he went skiing, cause skiing is fun.
Maul beamed, "I love skiing, in fact I love it almost as much as..."




[This message has been edited by Hannibal (edited May 22, 2000).]

Vagabond
05-22-2000, 06:15 PM
"...my Dark Lord Mentor, the Illustrious Darth Sidious", sighed Darth Maul. "He's so dreamy."

Once his hormones settled down, Clandestine Junior Sith Lord, Darth Maul set out to wreak some havoc on the pathetic inhabitants of this dreary, yet charming, metropolis. From the looks of it, Maul, supposed he was somewhere in lower-south-side of Imperial City, the bad part of Coruscant. Perfect. He could have his fun with the things that inhabit this place, and the authorities wouldn't be any the wiser.

Retreating to the shadows, Special Sith Student, Darth Maul eyed his first victim: it appeared to be a sentient of the Gungan species, apparently afflicted with some form of mental retardation.

"Ah yes, you shall do nicely", drooled Maul, giddy with anticipation. Sensually, he held out his backup light saber horizontal to the ground, lit one side and then the other, making quite a spectacle of himself, as he so enjoyed doing.

The Gungan, bouncing his way along, obviously lost, suddenly spied the Sith assasin, and abruptly turned and ran himself directly into a corner, after which he fell straight onto his back, looking the evil Sith Trainee right in the face.

Full of hate, Darth Maul, Sith Lord Master Heir-Apparent snarled to his victim, "....."


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VagabondNomad on the Zone...

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...



[This message has been edited by Vagabond (edited May 22, 2000).]

WeedSmoker
05-22-2000, 11:21 PM
Then Mario woke up, and it was all a dream!

; L~

"the grass is always greener"

Zoom Rabbit
05-23-2000, 06:03 AM
Ah, but that was no pipe dream, that. While he was asleep, Yosemite Sam and Mickey Mouse had ripped off his stash!

Enraged, Mario...

Vagabond
05-23-2000, 06:15 PM
...and the entire universe, for that matter, became an infinitely large marshmallow...The End.


------------------
VagabondNomad on the Zone...

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...

God
05-23-2000, 07:25 PM
Actually, the universe is more like a blueberry pancake.

mechaman
05-23-2000, 07:52 PM
That was a crappy ending

Vagabond
05-23-2000, 09:42 PM
What do you expect when you have a somewhat interesting, albeit absurd, story going and then people, rather than building on the existing story, they chose to sabotage it by completely discarding everything that has already been written? Sure, I love writing absurd stories, but what's the point if people are just going to negate everything you've written in their very next post? For this type of thread to work, people have to be willing to build on what has already been written, not negate it by making the story totally asinine. That doesn't mean you can't write funny and silly stuff - on the contrary.

Write something that both builds on what has already been written, and something that someone else can build on after you, and then this type of thread will thrive.


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VagabondNomad on the Zone...

All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players...


[This message has been edited by Vagabond (edited May 23, 2000).]

Zoom Rabbit
05-25-2000, 04:19 AM
Oh, umm...all right, then.

Then Darth Maul woke up for real, realizing that it was in fact Mario who had been the dream. Not really sure if he was now himself or someone else, Darth Maul sat up and took stock of his surroundings.

He seemed to be passed out at the bus station...not in hell at all. And he wasn't a Sith lord...he was actually a Chinese spy, pretending to be an evil emissary from the forces of darkness as a cover story for his being in the United States.

Relieved that he was in fact on Earth and not in hell, that he was alive instead of dead, and himself instead of a video game character, Darth Maul set out in search of sensitive information he could pass on to his government.

An oddly bedraggled stranger approached him. "Hey buddy...ya got a quarter?"

"Well," thought the striped-face one who was actually a Chinese spy, "This guy looks like he knows something..."

Cpl. Shepard
05-27-2000, 03:44 AM
"....maybe he has the knowledge to provide peace on Earth! I've got to finish him off before he does something with it!"

Orbvs_Terrarvm
06-01-2000, 03:01 AM
So Darth Mau (sic) poked the mans eyes with his chop sticks and made a quick get away on a mule drawn carraige singing:
"I like da salsa at da Chico
When dey dring you da chips.
You be eatin' though you cryin'
cuz it's burnin' your lips.
Lady bring moe salsa
if you likes a good tip
If yo boss starts steady frontin
I'm gonna empty my clip..."

Kurgan
06-01-2000, 03:49 AM
So hasteful and gleeful was his escape, that unseen was the dark and ominous shape, that loomed large in the loathsome dark....

Commander 598
06-02-2000, 12:16 AM
....which as an MTT chaseing him down and then fired its two large cannons and the sith was gone.


The End

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The Battle Droid Commander With full Inteligence-Commander 5-98

Commander 598
06-02-2000, 12:17 AM
....which as an MTT chaseing him down and then fired its two large cannons and the sith was gone.


The End

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The Battle Droid Commander With full Inteligence-Commander 5-98

Zoom Rabbit
06-02-2000, 07:31 AM
Why do people keep trying to end this story?!? Hmmph.

The story is not ended. Darth Maul (actually a Chinese spy), is making his brilliant getaway on a mule-drawn carriage, singing inane claptrap like the villiage idiot...when a dark shape comes up behind him.

Instead of being something silly like a mechanical troop transport, he is relieved to discover that it is actually a fifty-foot Macy's parade balloon of Monica Lewinsky in a flamenco dress.

"This is perfect," drools the Sith idiot/commie bastard as he pulls the wooden cart over (much to the relief of the line of honking, irritated motorists who had been stuck behind him). He reaches into his pocket for a...

Vagabond
06-02-2000, 06:19 PM
...miniature version of himself.

"What do you think of this, buddy?", he queried to his mini-him.

"It's quite splendid, thank you", marveled the tiny replica of Darth Maul, communist-bastard-double-secret-agent lord of the sith, also known as mini-Maul. Content with the joy of a thousand worlds, the micro sith apprentice reaches into his pocket for a...

Commander 598
06-02-2000, 08:27 PM
...smaller version of himself...

This is becomeing a box in a box kinda thing.

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The Battle Droid Commander With full Inteligence-Commander 5-98

lightbulba
06-02-2000, 08:28 PM
continuing with (gasp!) a miniature replica of himself, which pulls out a gun and shoots all three. he warily leaps off the carriage, only to be crushed by the wheel. this misbalance causes the unstable carriage to tilt, shifting the weight of the corpses to the far right of the seat, causing the carriage to fall over, killing the driver and stopping the traffic. as an ambulance arrives, it is battered by muggers and robbed of all its worth. the muggers are inexplicably struck by lightning, which then strikes a cement truck, which careens onto its side, causing several speeding cars to slam against it, causing a massive explosion that catches the eye of four commercial jet pilots, whose aircrafts simultaneously collide, killing all 3,465 passengers onboard.

on further note, famed eyewear deigner alain mikli catches a rare case of the flu.
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http://www.starwars.com/snapshot/1999/20/img/merchant_sm.jpg

[This message has been edited by lightbulba (edited June 02, 2000).]

Commander 598
06-02-2000, 08:33 PM
...a miniature version of himself...


This is becomeing a box in a box kinda thing

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The Battle Droid Commander With full Inteligence-Commander 5-98

Commander 598
06-02-2000, 08:52 PM
font size=100>WOW</font>

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The Battle Droid Commander With full Inteligence-Commander 5-98

Jedi_4
06-03-2000, 03:16 PM
When the dazed Maul/chinese spy recovers from this bad accident, he finds himself in the hospital, surrounded by doctors and nurses...one of them which is Darth Sidious in disguise! Maul dreamily sez "Master..you have come bac to rescue me...my hero!"
Sidius replies:
"no, i just came to tell you that...


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"I dont know..fly casual!"

lightbulba
06-03-2000, 07:34 PM
...you're still dead!"
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http://www.starwars.com/snapshot/1999/20/img/merchant_sm.jpg
and that's when he felt the handcuffs go on...

[This message has been edited by lightbulba (edited June 03, 2000).]

Commander 598
06-03-2000, 09:26 PM
Ahh!!!!!!!!!1

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The Battle Droid Commander With full Inteligence-Commander 5-98

Zoom Rabbit
06-04-2000, 06:04 AM
Well, surprise! Surprise! Seems that ol' Darth Sidious was a CIA agent all along, setting our boy up with false intelligence and a wiretap. Instead of E-mailing the plans for our latest nuclear missile interception system to the Chinese, he has actually sent them coded recipes for all of McDonald's menu items, and now the moron is off to jail!

As the authorites are taking turns at him, a dark figure with dirty orange hair and a trench coat gets into the building. His breath sour with the stench of bourbon and french fries, the demonic clown Ronald McDonald seeks to find his target: the squealing commie rat bastard who sold out the secret of the perfect cheeseburger to the godless Chinese toalitarians...

"I must find Darth Maul!" Ronald demands of a police guard. In desperation he pulls out a sawed-off shotgun and--

Cpl. Shepard
06-04-2000, 06:14 AM
...and yelled, "No one leaves here until I know who the hell told those commies my secret for the ultimate cheeseburger!"

He takes the police guard hostage, but behind him Sidious is creeping up, a donut in one hand and a case of rotten, day old Pepsi in the other...

Commander 598
06-04-2000, 02:18 PM
...he pours pepsi all over him which is really an acid then throws the donut at him which turns out to be a thermal detonater and runs in the oppisite direction faster than hyperspace and ends up running into the door...

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The Battle Droid Commander With full Inteligence-Commander 5-98

Commander 598
06-05-2000, 11:28 PM
Any addons?

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The Battle Droid Commander With full Inteligence-Commander 5-98

Zoom Rabbit
06-06-2000, 04:10 AM
Don't need one. Thanks.