View Full Version : This isn't a complaint

Zero Jedi
05-12-2002, 02:50 AM
No, its not a complaint, more like a full time rage-filled rant. When I first played the game I was overjoyed at its beautiful saber control, but then came the infamous patch 1.03 and instead of tweaking a near perfect system it's done several things:

1) Changed a Jedi wielding an elegant weapon to a whore handling a slippery vibrator in a rainstorm while trying to shove 24 fan letters to Art Carney into a mailbox. Congrats Raven, you suck.

2) Most dangerous part of the saber was the tip, 'cuz y'know, it was a laser and all. Now it causes less damage than the eraser tip of a number 2 pencil. Instead of a saber why not just have a glowstick that those crazy goth ravers are all carrying around (with extras undoubtedly hidden in hard to reach places, if you know what I mean). Congrats Raven, you suck.

3) The butt dart syndrome: morons running around backwards ass all out with a saber peaking out. Why not just add an option where two Jedi can stand back to back holding mirrors and try to stab each other over their shoulders or between their legs? Or even better make it so you can set your saber on a ledge then try to chase your opponent into running into it. It'll be like rugby only not as homosexually oriented. Congrats Raven, you suck.

4) Made the best stance (medium) into "Strong Stance Part 2: The Suck". Not only did you decrease the speed, but anally raped the twirl and didn't add any strength to compensate for your ejaculation all over it. If strong stance is supposed to be slower than medium then why does the heavy special recover faster than the medium's? Oh, and the claim that you "fixed" the strong stance one hit kill? Then why in Rose Kennedy's name can people still fly an impossible 20,000 leagues to execute it, and it still can take you out with one hit? My suggestion - take out that flying dutchman move the strong stance has and change it to the following: if you get close enough you'll deactivate your saber, shove it down your opponent's pants, and then re-ignite it, and it'll kill them with one hit. Congrats Raven, you suck.

5)Duel now takes a full work day with coffee breaks and the sale of your soul to Satan to determine a winner. Most likely due to the new and improved Dungeons and Dragons "gee I hope I roll a 47 on my 80 sided dice" method of detecting hits (see number 8 on this list for more details). Congrats Raven, you suck.

6) Collision detection would be brilliant if only it existed, it seems by "fix" you meant "add more blocks and more flashes than an epeleptic can handle". Why not just have the sabers spark on their own when you're not hitting anything? Even better you can set the saber hilt on the ground and it'll shoot out colored blasts like a roman candle while your character puts on an old straw hat and sings Yankee Doodle Dandy while dancing an Irish Jig and doing that stupid Pee Wee Herman laugh. Congrats Raven, you suck.

7) You were the bomb in Heretic 2 Raven, but by releasing this ungodly patch you've turned the best melee combat game into Swingfest 2002 with optional clothing and extra lube. This doesn't point out anything specifically wrong with the patch, but I just had to remind you that you suck, Raven.

8) Winning a duel has now been de-evolved to Dungeons and Dragons "throw the dice and hope you get a higher number" mentality. Why not just have a Marlon Wayans bot that runs around backwards trying to backwards stab you while shouting "DEEEUUUM, YOU GO GIRL...MAH-IIIN!" over and over until he inevitably gets stuck in one of those glitches that all the bots have where they just run up to a ledge and keep jumping but never seem to get on top of it...but damned if they won't keep trying! Of course you're halfway there since all of the bots just backpedal for hours on end anyway, moonwalking their way out of the arena and usually into a corner where they get stuck and then switch to MC Hammer's running man. This would have been fine if only you included Hammer's "Too Legit To Quit" track. Or at the very least Tag Team's "Whoomp There It Is". Heck, even the Addams Family version of that song. Congrats Raven, you suck.

This post may be classified as a "whine" the same way complaints about Daikatana as just "whining". Personally I don't give a crusty anus about that. I only hope and pray to Apollo that Raven never handles another Star Wars title ever again for fear that they will "fix" it by replacing sabers with batons and "mix it up" by having Burt Ward say "Holy bubble breasted crack whore Vaderman!!" every time Luke ends a cheer with a flash of his panties.

Oh and for Patch number 1.04 how about having a hand come out of my disk drive and light Jedi Outcast on fire to the Imperial March remixed with any Aaron Carter song. My advice: go back to adding realism to shooting off a man's left testicle in Soldier of Fortune 2 - Return of the Suck.

To think I respected you for Heretic 2. Congrats Raven, you suck.

P.S. - There was one good thing about the patch - those nifty icons on the server select screen where it says "No Force" but you go in there and people are still using Force. You totally got me on that one! Didn't see it coming! You must have used Mind Trick! Congrats Raven, you suck.

P.P.S. - If anyone wants to know, my name in the multi servers is Kiki. You'll know its me if I'm running backwards all over the place trying to backwards stab everyone.

05-12-2002, 02:51 AM

05-12-2002, 03:05 AM
I totally agree with you Zero Jedi, they have seriously made a huge mistake with this new patch. They have taken out everything that was good about the game and replaced it with utter mindless junk. The game has lost it's appeal for me and I refuse to play it and next time I'm not going to buy it, just download it, that way I wont be so pissed of for paying for fool's gold.

05-12-2002, 03:12 AM
why I just reinstalled to get rid of 1.03, tons of servers still running the good version of this game...

05-12-2002, 03:14 AM
or maybe you could take the three hours needed to realise that 1.03 isnt that bad.

05-12-2002, 03:23 AM
Or maybe I could just close the thread and it will be lost forever in the endless sea of whining in about... 3 hours?

k thx bie