View Full Version : Lewt Warz: By Rooks1138 (Classic SWG Story Season)

05-13-2002, 04:43 AM
This is from SWG offical forums, written by Rooks1138, this is a hilarious story, a must read and a real SWG classic story
A bit long but a good read heres the first installment

Hello people. I just got a big dispatch from my spy deep inside Lucasfilm.

It seems that they've decided to remake the OT to try and catch up with some of the technology of the PT.

However, because Lucas is so busy right now, he decided to go the cheap route and set up a "sooper sekret" test server for Star Wars Galaxies, and just use video captures for the film. He recruited some players from UO, AC and EQ to fill the title roles, and then just let them go at it.

Due to legal reasons, I can't post the video of it that I have, but I will do my best to transcribe it for you here.

A long time ago on a server far, far away...

lewt warz

Episode iv: a new dewd

It is a period of PVP warfare. PC ships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the KEWL PK EMPIRE.

During the battle, PC spies managed to dupe a copy of the plans to the empire's ultimate weapon the "UNRESTRICTED PK STAR." also known as the UPS. But since UPS is trademarked, we will call it the "UP Star" This armored battle station has the ability to make everyone on the server's PVP switch permanently set to "on"

Pursued by the PK Empire's Kewl Doodz, Princiz Leah65 (They forgot to take the "name screener" off the sooper sekret test server, so everyone just had to do the best they could with their names) races home aboard her starship, custodian of the sooper sekret planz that will restore PVP choice to the galaxy.

An ISD slides into view, rendered in perfect detail. It fires hundreds of lasers at a smaller craft. Then the view switches to the interior of the ship, and changes to the real non-rendered game view. If you squint really hard and tilt your head just right, you can barely tell it's all made of polygons.

An explosion rocks the ship. Sea3Peaoh and ~-*RRRtoo/-/Deetwooo*-~ come into view.

3peaoh: Dude, they're gonna PK our azzes for sure. Forget this, I'm logging!

RRRtoo: Beep

3peaoh: The princiz is gonna get lewted for sure

RRRtoo: Beep

Down the hall, the door suddenly burst open, only causing the sightest bit of Lag. Through the open door walks _X~Anikin_Vayderr~X_

3Peaoh is down the hall, looking for RRRtoo

3peaoh: Dude, did you log? you there dude?

He spies RRRtoo down the hall and goes to him. What are you doing down here dude?

RRRtoo: Beep

In the main hall, Vayderr has gotten ahold of one of the rebels.

Vayderr: Where's that freakin Lewt?

Rebel: We haven't got any lewt, we just got PK...U got ne credits you can loan me? Plz?

Vayderr: If you just got PKed, then where are your corpses?!?!?

He PKs the Rebel leader, then quickly loots his corpse.

Vayderr initiates a transmission to the rebel he just killed.

Vayderr: I owned you dood.

Vayder turns to one of his guildmates.

Vayderr: Tear this place apart until you've found that Lewt. And then bring me the Ambassador. I heard she's a hottie.

Moments later, several stormtroopers spot Leah65 in the hallway.

Trooper1: There she is, set for stun!

They stun the girl and take her prisoner.

Trooper1: Dude, see if you can loot her clothes, I wanna see if she's anatomically correct.

Trooper2: I'm F in RL. I don't want to see that. I can tell you we all look like barbie under here anyhow.

Trooper1: That suxxors.

Back in the hallway, RRRtoo is pushing 3peaoh into an escape pod.

3peaoh: Quit pushing, Slimo.

RRRtoo: Beep.

3peaoh: Yeah, well I liked Episode 1 so sue me!

They get into the escape pod and head for the surface.

In the main control room, two Imperial officers see the pod jettison.

Officer1: PULL!

Officer2 fires at the pod and misses.

Officer1: You shoot like my gramma. And my gramma's dead.

Officer2: Well, I never played any twitch games, bite me FPS boy.

Officer1: Bite your mom.

The pod streaks away safely to the surface.

On the surface, 3peaoh and RRRToo get out of the pod.
3peaoh: Let's go this way.

RRRtoo: Beep

3peaoh: You got a map from SWGStratics? Dude, no way, the game isn't even out yet, and stratics doesn't even have a SWG site. Their Dawn site Roxxors, tho. I can't wait for that game.

RRRtoo: Beep

3peaoh: DAWN IS NOT VAPORWARE, SLIMO!!! That's it, you're on your own!

RRRtoo: Beep

The two droids head off in opposite directions

Back on board the starship, Vayderr has brought Leah65 to see him.

Leah65: Vayderr, I should have known, only you would PK people for no reason.

Vayderr: Don't mess with me, Noob. Now where's my Lewt?

Leah65: I'm not a Newbie!

Vayderr: Oh shtu ufp.

Vayderr: I mean shut up. Take her waaya.

Vayderr: Away, I mean.

The troopers drag Leah65 off the bridge.

Commander: Dude, what if the Guides find out? we'll get banned.

Vayderr: Leave it to me. I had the whole guild file complaints against every member of the rebellion. If the rebels file against us, it'll just look like they're trying to get back at us. It'll take the Guides months to sort it all out, there are only two of them for all 50 servers. By that time, we'll have already won.

Commander: Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

Vayderr: Now, let's go down and see if she sent the plans to the surface. There's nowhere else on the server that you can reach from right here, so they must be there.

Back on the planet, RRRtoo is slowly making his way across the PK zone of Jundland. Suddenly, a jawa jumps out from behind a rock and fires.


RRRtoo explodes violently, but isn't quite dead.

Several Jawas run over to loot him.

Jawa1: Hey, he ain't got no lewt!!! wtf???

Jawa2: Dude, he IS lewt, grab him and we can sell his whle body!

The jawas grab the droid and run off.

Back near the pod, several stormtroopers are searching around.

Stormtrooper commander: Ok, now every-

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

Commander: Bob, we haven't even been here 5 minutes, you couldn't have-

TrooperBob: Yeah but it's the kewlest line in the movie: Look, sir, droids.

Commander: Cut it out bob, it's not even your line

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

Commander: STOP SPAMMING!!! Fine, let's go to that mos esply place or whatever and see if they went there.

Cut to the Jawa Sandcrawler...it's zooming across the sands of tattoine, zig zagging all over the place.

Jawa1: Dude, look where you're going.

Jawa2: Hey, I don't know how to drive yet, I don't even have a permit!

in the back, 3peaoh is staggering about. He spots RRRtoo.

3peaoh: RRRtoo! You're alive. They tricked me into climbing in here by telling me there was a map to some Phat Lewt hiden inside. What do you think they're going to do with us.

RRRtoo: Beep.

3peaoh: But I'm not even equipped to do that, the picture on that Topps card was a trick of the lighting and scenery! We're doomed!

Cut to a scene outside the Lars homestead. There is a flash of brilliant light, and a figure suddenly spawns into view:

Lewkk Skyhackrrr: Stoopid name filter, I spent three hours trying to come up with a kewl name...

BlueMilkBeru: Lewkk, Leeeeeeewwwwwwwwwkkkkkk

Lewkk: What?

BlueMilkBeru: Make sure your uncle gets the droids BEFORE he hands over the money this time. You know how those Jawas like to log after they get your cash!

Lewkk: I know, I know, you don't have to tell me!

Lewkk walks over and sees Unkle_IowenU haggling with the Jawas

Lewkk: Unckle, Aunt Beru said-

IowenU: Shut up Noob, can't you see I'm busy?

Lewkk does the "Bird" emote behind IowenU's back.

IowenU looks 3peaoh over.

IowenU: I bet you're a protocol droid.

3peaoh: No way dude, I'm a Jedi assassin droid, or at least I will-

IowenU: I have no use for any of your BS. I need a translator droid.

3peaoh: Dude, I got mad translation skillz. check it out "Kung foo", "Taco", "G'day Mate!"

IowenU: Hmm, can you speak the binary language of moisture thingamajigies.

3peaoh: Sure dude, check it out: "E Chu ta"

IowenU: Well, ok.

3peaoh: Cool. E Chu ta. E Chu ta.

IOwenU 3peaoh and some red droid begin to walk over to Luke. Suddenly a Guide appears from nowhere.

Guide: DUPE!

The guide points at the red droid, and it disappears. A moment later so does the guide.

Lewkk: Uncle! That R2 unit was duped!

IowenU: Hey, what're you trying to push on us? I oughtta PK you right here.

3peaoh: Dood, get that other one, the blue one. He can show porn movies, dood.


IowenU decides to buy the blue one, and they head back to the homestead.

IowenU: Now take those droids and get them cleaned up.

Lewkk: (Whispering) Well, Heil Hitler to you too.

A few minutes later in the garage, Lewkk is dipping 3peaoh into an oil bath.

3peaoh: Oh, thank the Live Team, this feels so good.

Lewkk: Man, this isn't fair. I wanted to be a bounty hunter.

3peaoh: Maybe I can help you.

Lewkk: Not unless you can buff me, twink me, and get me a portal to Coruscant.

3peaoh: Sorry, Dood, I'm only a droid. What zone are we in anyhow?

Lewkk: The one that suxxors, big time.

3peaoh: Oh, well yeah, that does suxxor.

Lewkk begins to try and repair RRRtoo.

Lewkk: I should have put more points in droid repair, I knew it.

3peaoh: Yeah. I should have had some mad PK skillz and we wouldn't be like this, it's all the fault of the rebels. I never should have gotten on a ship with the Noobs.

Lewkk: You know about the rebellion against the PK Empire.

3peaoh: No, genius, I was talking about the rebellion against the Twilek dancers. What other rebellion is there?

Lewkk: Don't be a knob, dude.

3peaoh: Anyhow, why don't you see if you can get some movies of that droid?

Lewkk: Ok...hmm, there's something here alright.

Lewkk clicks repeatedly on the droid trying to use his feeble droid repair skills. Finally a grainy movie appears, showing Princiz Leah65

3peaoh: Kewl, you got some

Lewkk: She's a hottie woohoo! What's she doing, where's the action?

Leah65: Help me, Ewan-Wan Kanobye. You're our only hope.

This keeps repeating over and over.

Lewkk: Who's the girl, and who's Ewan-wan Kanobye?

RRRtoo: Beep

3peaoh: He says he doesn't know sir, and neither do I. See if you can find the fastforward.

Lewkk fiddles with the droid for a second.

RRRtoo: Beep

3peaoh: He says he needs you to take the restraining bolt off.

Lewkk: Well, ok, but if he PKs me I'm telling.

Lewkk removes the restraining bolt. The image stops playing.

Lewkk: hey, bring back the hottie, Dweeb!

RRRtoo doesn't respond. Suddenly he starts spinning slowly in circles.

3peaoh: Dude, he's lagged bad.

BlueMilkBeru: Lewwwwwk, come get dinner!

Lewkk hand 3peaoh some tools

Lewkk: See if you can fix him when he logs back on.

3peaoh: Yeah, whatever.

Back in the Lars dining room, Lewkk sits down for a nice dinner of Blue Milk and Fishsticks.
Lewkk: Hey, I think those droids might be stolen.
IowenU: What are you talking about noob? Drink your milk and shut up.

Lewkk: No, one of them had a message for Ewan-Wan Kanobye. You don't think he could mean "Renton-Kanobye out in the desert do you?

IowenU: That dewd's just a crazy old man. Forget about him. Mindwipe those droids when you're done with your milk.

Lewkk: But I was gonna go into Beggars canyon and camp some Womp Rats!!!

IowenU: Those rats would own your noobie butt, dewd.

Lewkk: That suxxors..

IowenU: Tough.

Lewkk: I think those new droids are gonna work out fine. I want to transmit my application to the academy.

IowenU: Why do you want to go to the academy?? The flight in this game is twitch based. For cryin out loud, don't tell me you never played XvT before? Cripes, what a Noob!

Lewkk: Sure I did, but I hear they got mad chicks at the academy!

IowenU: No way Noob. You're staying right here. I get a skill bonus for every worker I have, and I'm not lettin you get away.

Lewkk: You SUCK DOOOD!!

Lewkk runs out of the room.

BlueMilkBeru: Don't you think you were a little hard on the beaver, I mean on Luke?

IowenU: No way. Hey, let's do some "roleplaying" if you know what I mean.

Cut to the garage.

Lewkk comes in, doesn't see 3peaoh...then spots him behind the oil bath.

Lewkk: Hey, what are you doing back there?

3peaoh: I was just washing my hands!! I swear!!

Lewkk: Where's the little guy?

3peaoh: I dunno. Guess he left.

Lewkk: Are you brain dead?

3peaoh: Cool, you like TPM too?

Lewkk: Maul RoxXorS Dewd. But nevermind that now, we gotta find that droid in the morning, or I'm gonna be a slave here forever.

3peaoh: Ok Dewd.

Cut to the next morning in the Lars kitchen.

BlueMilkBeru: I keep clicking on this blender, but nothing happens. What happened to the Fully interactive environment.

IowenU: Nevermind that, where's Lewkk?

BlueMIlkBeru: He left, and he took those droids with him.

IowenU: He better be to work by afternoon, or I'm gonna PK him so hard it's gonna reset the server.

Cut to the desert, with Luke and 3peaoh speeding across it. They spot RRRtoo and Jump out.

Lewkk: Grab him, we gotta get back, my mom needs the comp and I'm gonna have to log soon.

3peaoh: That suxxors dood.

Lewk and 3peaoh wrestle RRRtoo down and take him back to the speeder. Lewkk hears a noise from over the hill.

Lewkk: Dewd, let's go see what spawns over there.

3peaoh: No way Dood, I got no combat skillz at all.

Lewkk: It's cool dude, I got yer back.

3peaoh and Lewkk go over the hill and look down the hill.

Lewkk: Banthas. Kewl. Hmm, there should be sandpeople, but-Oh there's one

3peaoh: I don't see him dood.

Lewk: Try adjusting your screen size, he's right at the edge.

3peaoh: Oh, I see him.

Sudedenly, a tusken raider spawns right in front of Lewkk. and takes him by surprise. Lewkk tries to avoid the fight by logging, but the server recognizes his cowardly tactic and allows the raider to beat the snot out of him.

Cut to Lewkk being dragged away by a tusken raider. Suddenly a hooded figure jumps out from behind a rock and Kills the raider with a lightsaber.

Lewkk wakes up

Lewkk: Oh, dewd...hey, it's you Renton. I, uh, I got lagged and booted...

Renton: Quit fraking laying boy-o, I saw the whole thang.

Lewkk: Why are you typing like that, can't you spell?

Renton: It's sapposed to bae mye scottesh accshent dewd, doant' you laike it?

Lewkk: It sucks. Hey do you know an Ewan-Wan Kenobye?

Renton: Ewan-Wan...Ewan-Wan...Yah, I hard that nayme before, aye.

Lewkk: Is he around here?

Renton: Shore and begoorah he is.

Lewkk: Isn't that more Irish than scottish?

Renton: Shat yer mowth Dewd. I used to go by the name of Ewan-Wan, oh before ye were evan Spawn-ed. "Chose life, choose a job, choose a big friggin television..." See?

Lewkk: Trainspotting Roxxors Dewd. I got an R2 unit with a massage for you.

Renton: A Massage? Kewl.

Lewkk: Wait, I spelled that wrong, it a message.

Renton: Oh, well let's get back to my hut. The sandpeople are gonna respawn in a minute.

The two collect 3peaoh and RRRtoo and drive to the hut.

Lewkk: Dewd, how many credits you pay for this house?

Renton: I got it in character creation, Dewd. I had to make myself like 90 years old as a trade off, but it's pretty a pretty sweet crib.

Lewkk: Cool

Renton: Hey, wanna check out this Lightsaber.

Lewkk: Dude, no offense, but you can keep your "Lightsaber" to yourself.

Renton: No, look. This was your father's.

Renton-Wan ignites a lightsaber.

Renton: I'd give it to you, but it's no-drop.

Lewkk: I know a way around that. Take off all your clothes.

Renton: But you just said-

Lewkk: Don't be an idiot, jut do it.

Renton disrobes, and Lewkk quickly PKs him. Due to a programming bug, renton drops the only item he's carrying, the lightsaber, which Lewkk quickly loots.

Renton respawns across the room.

Renton: You TWIT! you know how much skills I just lost!

Lewkk: It's kewl dewd, I'll help you burn it off later.

Renton: Oh well. Hey, you've got the force, want to go do some Jedi quests?

Lewkk: I've got the FORCE???? But it's random and there's like 1 in 10000000000000 odds that a character will be force sensitive!!!!!!!!!!!

Renton: Yah, sweet, isn't it.

Lewkk: Wait right here. I'll brb.

Lewkk logs off. Renton waits several hours, and Lewkk doesn't return. Finally, after a week of checking, Renton logs in one day, and there is Lewkk.

Renton: FINALLY??? What, did ur comp crash?

Lewkk: Huh? Who are you?

Renton: Didn't we go through this already last week?

Lewkk: No dewd. That was the other guy, my Dad bought me this Jedi account that he saw for sale on an auction on the internet.

Renton: What??? That little twerp!!

Lewkk: Oh, are you Renton-wan/Ewan-Wan Kanobye?

Renton: Yeah

Lewkk: The guy that had this account before told me to tell you he's enjoying his new house that he bought with the money my dad paid for this account.

Renton just sighs.

Renton: Ok, well, we're going to go do some Jedi quests.

Lewkk: No way dewd. My dad didn't buy me this account to Quest. I'm going to use my mad jedi skillz on some Jawas.

Lewkk runs out into the desert and Renton chases after him

Cut to Lewkk and Renton-Wan standing in front of a trashed sandcrawler.
Lewkk: Someone already PKed them, kill stealers.

Renton-Wan: I bet they were after the droids. They'll be after you and your aunt and uncle next.

Lewkk: Aunt and Uncle, Kewl I'll pay those kill stealers back by PKing them before they get to them!!

Lewkk rushes off. He arrives at the Lars farm and sees the corpses of IowenU and BlueMilkBeru. He checks the corpses for Loot. Lewkk screams and drives back to Renton-Wan.

Lewkk: They stole my kills and Looted them too.

I want to do the Jedi quests and crush the empire. Now let's get out of here before My aunt and uncle respawn and I have to go work on a farm!

They drive off in the speeder.

Open on the UP Star. An ISD glides towards its surface. In the distance we see a line of X-Wings several hundred miles long futilely camping the indestructible space station.

In an interior conference room aboard the UP Star, MotleyDewd, Tagge, and Parkin_TarkenX are discussing their plans.

Motley: Dang it Tagge, how did you get your right name?

Tagge: I guess nobody knows who I am.

Motley: Man, That sux I'm gonna call a guide and tell 'em to add your name to the list.

TarkenX: Too late, Motley. I have just received word that the Live Team has crushed the guide program. They've all been reassigned to the new "Pokemon" MMORPG.

Tagge: That's impossible! How will they control Duping? Who will stop the spammers? And who in the world will be in charge of Nerfing????

TarkenX: We have taken over all those functions for the Live Team. Fear will keep the locals in line. Fear of this battle station.

Tagge: And what of the Rebellion? If those carebears have the plans-

Vayder: I'll get those plans back. Quit yer whining, Noob.

Motley: Any attack made by those Bluebies will be futile this station will just respawn and we'll respawn with it they can't do anything to stop us

Vayderr: Don't be too proud of this gigantic MOB you have. The power of this station is nothing compard to the force of my force. And try using some periods in your sentences, it gets annoying to read it after a while.

Motley: The Force of your force What r u talking about haha look ma no periods huh that sounded sick hey vayderr what r u gonna do I still aint got no periods in my sentences hahaha u suxx-

Motley starts to choke and gasp as Vayderr force chokes him.

Vayderr: I find your lack of grammar disturbing.

TarkenX: Cut it out, dewd, or I'll boot you from the guild.

Vayderr: You're lucky, punkazz

Vayderr releases Motley.

Cut to The surface of Tattoine. Lewkk and Ewan-Wan are overlooking a city from a hilltop.

Ewan-Wan: ...Choose DYI and wondering who the frig you are on sunday mornings, choose pishing away your last in a miserable-

Lewkk: Dewd, enough already.

Ewan-Wan: Whatever dewd. Look, there's Mos Eisley. You will never find a more wretched hive of Spam and Lag. We must be careful. If I lag off, just wait for me, ok?

Lewkk: Cool dewd.

Lewkk, Ewan and the droids drive into Mos Eisley on Lewkk's speeeder. Cries and shouts seem to come from everywhere, and the action slows down to a crawl as unholy lag kicks in.







Lewkk: Man, look at all the spam in this place.


Ewan: Yes. Let's be careful.

Two stormtroopers step up to the speeder.

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

Commander: Enough Bob, just stand there and let me talk.


Commander: Alright, where did you get these droids?


Ewan: We looted them from some guys back on dantooine.




Commander: Alright, how long have you had these droids.


Conmmander: Alright, get ready to be PKed.

The commander stalks away towards DarkJediDewd and Lewkk and Ewan sneak away.

Lewkk: Whew, that was close.

Ewan: Spam can have a powerful effect on the weak minded. Come on, let's find a pilot. Go in there.

Lewkk parks the speeder and they go into the Cantina.

The Bartender spots them as they walk in.

Bartender: Hey, we don't serve droids in here.

Lewkk: Why not? What r u, a racist?

Bartender: No, I'm not a racist. Dude, some of my best friends are droids.

3peaoh: Dude this place suxxors anyhow, I'm going to go check out the armory.

Lewkk: Ok, go ahead, we'll catch you laterz

3peaoh: Laterz dewd

R2: Beep.

Lewkk goes over to the bar and glances around. suddenly he notices the lack of variety amongst the patrons. All are either Male Chiss or red haired human females. He quickly scans over their names: 00Thrawn00, Adm~Thrawn, AdThrwn, ThrawnDewd, 22Thrawn22, ~ThrawnAdmrl~, MJayde~10, xXMarrraJdexX, ooMraJdeoo, MJaydee221, ~EmpshndMara~

Lewkk: Not much variety in here.

Bartender: What'll it be, kid?

Lewkk: 1 blue milkshake, to go.

ThrawnDeniro is sitting next to Lewkk and does the *laugh* emote

ThrawnDeniro: You wuss, get a real drink

Lewkk: But it's not even-

ThrawnDeniro: Are u talkn to me? r u? I get banned from 12 servers, dewd. Don't u b talkin to me.

Lewkk: Ok, I'll be-

ThrawnDeniro: You'll be PKed Dewd!!

Ewan-Wan: Hey, back off dewd.

ThrawnDeniro: Sux to you old fart.

Ewan whips out his lightsaber and PKs ThrawnDeniro. He quickly loots the corpse.


Ewan quickly PKs and loots him too.

Ewan points to a wookie next to him.

Ewan: Ok, Lewkk, this is Wackytabaccy. His friend has a ship for us, let's go.


Wacky leads Lewkk and Ewan over to a table where a little jawa is seated.

Lewkk: Are you kidding, a Jawa?

Jawa: Wait here, this is just my mule.

The Jawa disappears, and a moment later @Hann_Sulu@ appears.

Hann: U guys looking for a ship?

Lewkk: Yeah, dood. Hey, why are named Sulu?

Hann: Dood, Trek Roxxors. I just play this game to sell stuff to JEbay.

Lewkk: You deal with JEbay_the_Hutt??? That's who I got this account from. He roolz, dewd.

Hann: Yeah,I might be able to take you to where you want to go.

Lewkk: What kind of ship u got?

Hann: Dewd, I got the Millennium Falcon, Dewd

Lewkk: No way!!! Dewd, how long did you have to camp to get that sucker???

Hann: Like 3 months straight Dewd. My wife left me, my kid got hooked on paint thinner, and I lost my job while I was sitting at the comp, but I got that ship, Baybeee!

Lewkk: Sweeeeet! How much?

Hann: 10,000 credits, plus any Phat Lewt we find between here and there.

Lewkk: 10,000, we could almost get our own ship for that.

Hann: Yeah, dewd, but who'z gonna fly it, you?

Lewkk: Dwd, I play XvT all the time. Plus there's a dewback outside that was top of the ladder. No way Dewd, 2000 or forget it.

Hann: Ok dewd. Meet me at docking bay 49.

Ewan. 49.

Hann: Wait, that's a typo, it's 94.

Ewan: 94. Got it.

Lewkk and Ewan leave to get the droids.

Hann: Dewd, this could really save our buttinskis. with 2000 and some lewt, we can pay off JEbay. Go get the ship ready, Dewd.


Wacky leaves.

Greendough steps in front of Hann as he tries to leave.

Greendough: Oota Goota Sulu?

Hann: Hey Greenie! I was just on my way to JEbay-

Greendough: Forget it dewd. Give me some lewt or I'll PK you and give you over to JEbay.

Hann: Come on Dewd, it wasnít my fault.

Greendough: Tough noogie. Jebay donít like farmers who give up their lewt at the first sign of a PK group.

Hann: Come on, even I get Pked sometimes.

Greendough: Hand over some Lewt or youíre headed back to your bind point in a box.

Hann: Try it, dewd.

Greendough: Ok, let's throw down!

Greendough fires at Hann. The shot inexplicably veers off 12 feet to the right and hits the wall.

Hann: Ha, I turned off my PK switch while you weren't looking, Dewd!

Hann quickly turns on his PK switch and blasts Greendough. Then he loots the corpse.

Hann contacts Greendough via comlink.

Hann: Dewd, I owned you. And your loot suxxors, my Mule's got better loot than your main, dewd.

Greendough: !@$#@ you Sulu, trekkie geek.

Hann: Picard Roolz, dewd. Later Looooser.

Hann takes off for the docking bay.

Outside Lewkk is standing by Ewan-Wan
Lewkk: And then he logged, Dewd!!! That little twit logged!!
Ewan: You goon, I can't believe you traded first.

Lewkk: Dewd, he swore that his main was a Jedi, how did I know???

Ewan: You NEVER trade to a mule, especially not a JAWA mule, you idiot! How much do you have left?

Lewkk: Dewd, I'm broke, now I'll never get to be a Jedi.

Ewan: Never mind, the force will provide.

Lewkk: How, dewd?

Ewan: See those stormtroopers over there?

Lewkk: Yeah

Ewan: Do you know what a "Train" is?

Lewkk: Dewd, you rool!

A few minutes later, Lewkk, Ewan and the droids train a huge mob of stormtroopers into docking bay 94. They jump onboard the falcon, and Hann has no choice but to take off to get away from the MOB.

Hann: You guys better have my money.

Lewkk: Don't worry, we'll pay you when we get to Alderaan.

Hann: You better

Ewan: By the way, you got to land in Alderaan's PK zone when we get there.

Hann: What for?

Ewan: We'll tell you after we land.

Open on the UP Star

TarkenX: Ok Dood, let's see, what can we do now?

Vayderr: Let's get the princiz out here and mess with her.

TarkenX: Kewl, bring her to me.

A few minutes later Princiz Leah65 is brought before TarkenX and Vayderr.

Vayderr: Ok...Hey Princiz, are you m or f in rl?

Leah65: None of your business

TarkenX: You better answer, or we'll PK you right here.

Leah65: Go for it, I'll just respawn back on Alderaan.

TarkenX: If you don't tell us, we'll unleash the power of this station on your home planet!

Leah65: No! Alderaan is a carebear planet. We don't even have any PK zones!

TarkenX: Then tell us are you M or F??

Leah65: Dewd, I'm M. I like cross gender role play.

TarkenX: Ewww!!! You got problems! Prepare the main gun!

Vayderr: She's a MAN, Baby!

Leah65: But you said-

TarkenX: That's before I knew u were m.

The UP Star prepares it's laser and fires on Alderaan. A moment later we watch as the planet turns from blue to red.

TarkenX: Hah, now your people will be invaded and PKed by our army of Kewl Doodz! Take her away!

Vayderr: She's a MAN, Baby!

TarkenX: I mean take HIM away. We'll PK him in a little while.

Cut to the Falcon. Lewkk is popping his LS over and over.

Lewkk: Dewd, this thing rox

Hann: Hey, I was just looking over the Alderaan map at SWVault.com. It says there aren't any PK zones there. Why did you want to go to a PK zone on Alderaan anyhow?

Ewan: Umm, well, nevermind.

3peaoh: How long til we get there?

Hann: Pretty soon

Hann: Dewd, that saber roxxors. I wish I had one of those.

Lewkk swings the LS around, smashing up the interior of the Falcon

Hann: KNOCK IT OFF! You know how long I had to camp this thing?

3peaoh: How long til we get there?

Hann: A little while yet.

Lewkk: Sorry Dewd, I was just practicing.

Ewan: Lewkk, you better practice on a droid with that thing.

3peaoh: Forget it dewd, no way!

Ewan: I wasn't talking about you. I've got a practice droid somewhere in my pack.

Ewan goes through his pack.

Ewan: Hmm, let's see, 12 gaffi sticks, 3 power generators, a lightsaber, 30 food rations, 36 bottles of water, 4 extra brown Jedi robes, a power cell, one pair Padme's nylons-

Lewkk: Who's Padme, dewd?

Ewan: Uhh, nevermind.

Ewan: Let's see, where's that droid...hmm, here's a medical droid, half a protocol droid, a broken nubian type J-22 hyperdrive assembely, a sandcrawler, oh, here it is, one practice droid.

Ewan sets up the practice droid.

Ewan: Did you get that macro proggie I sent you

Lewkk: Yeah dewd. I'll turn it on, then I'm goin to get a pizza.

Lewkk engages his macro

3peaoh: How long til we get there?

Ewan: Will you quit asking that?

3peaoh: Dewd this space flight thing is boring. Hey Wacky, you wanna play some holochess?

Wacky: ROOAR

3peaoh: Oh, you didn't buy the holochess expansion pack? That sux dewd.

Wacky: ROOAR

The Falcon comes out of hyperspace.

Hann: Woah!! Look at that!

Ewan: What is that red thing? Where's Alderaan?

Hann: That's what I'm saying, that is Alderaan, she's gone totally PK.

3peaoh: But that's impossible!

Ewan: It must have been the PK Empire.

Hann: No way, it'd take the power even stronger than the guides to do that. Maybe the live team could make a whole planet go PK, but I doubt it!

Ewan: Well, whatever...just put her down right over there...

Hann: No way, Dewd, I'm not going into a PK Zone with you guys, I know what you were planning.

Ewan waves his hand at Hann

Ewan: You will put down on the planet

Hann: Dewd, that Jedi mind trick thing is so bugged, you know it doesn't work half the time.

Ewan: Oh well, can't say I didn't try.

Wacky: ROOAR!

Hann: Woah, look, it's a TIE Fighter! Dewd, If I can nab that thing I can pay off my debt. Do you know how much JEbay buys TIE's for?

Ewan: Dewd, forget it, we're supposed to be going and camping some Jedi quests.

Hann: Hey, this is my ship. If you don't like it, you can get out and walk.

Hann takes off after the TIE.

Ewan: Hey, what's that thing it's heading for?

Hann: I dunno.

Ewan: It looks like an armored battle station.

Hann: Cool, dewd, you know how much lewt must be on that thing? I'm goin for it.

3peaoh: Woah, look at all those fighters over there

3peaoh points at the miles long line of camping X-Wings

Hann: Dewd, this thing must drop some pretty phat lewt when it gets destroyed. But I'm not caming that line right now, let's just go in and look around.

Ewan: Why? Let's just get in line, it's just gonna get longer.

Hann: Hey, I choose not to choose the line. And the reasons? Who needs reasons when you've got phat lewt? Am I right?

Ewan: Dewd!! When you're right, you're right! Let's go!

The falcon cruises in and lands on the UP Star.

Hann: Let's go check it out.

Ewan: Wait, we gotta be sneaky...

Hann: Listen fool-

Ewan: What are you, Mister T? You're the fool, foolboy.

Hann: I'm gonna PK your fool butt in a minute-

Suddenly a group of stormtroopers spawn outside the falcon. THey try to rush in, but can't seem to find the door. The run against the side of the ship, pressing their foreheads into the hull, looking like they're trying to bore straight through it.

Ewan: This AI sux dewd.

Hann: Let's get 'em. Where's Lewkk.

Ewan: He's still macroing...must be getting his pizza still.

Hann: Forget him then, let's go

05-13-2002, 04:44 AM
Ewan and Hann rush out and kill the mob.

A minute later Lewkk comes out.

Lewkk: Ok, my LS skill is maxxed. Hey, you didn't leave me any kills!

Hann: It's kewl dood, we'll go in, find a spot, camp it and do some powerleveling.

Lewkk: Ok, kewl, let's go.

The group sneaks into the station, looking for a place to powerlevel...

Hann: Ewan, dood, can you give me some buffs?

Ewan: Sorry Dewd, I gotta save all my force for my self.

Hann: Thanks a lot dewd, you're a big help.

Ewan: Besides, you Noobs will just leech of my XP anyhow.

Lewkk: Dewd, then go fight by yourself somewhere

Ewan: Fine, see you noobs laterz

Ewan goes off on his own.

RRRtoo: Beep

3peaoh: Doodz, RRRtoo says there's a spawn up in here.

Lewkk: Kewl, letz go.

The group rushes into the room and blasts the mob.

Hann: Dewd, the XP rox here.

Lewkk: Yeah, how long til they respawn.

Hann: Who knows Dood, let's wait here and see.

3peaoh: Hey, I just did a check of who's online and Princiz Leah65 is online.

Lewkk: Sweeet! Chicks Rool Dewd. I'm gonna PM her.

Lewkk PMs Leah65.

Lewkk: Hey there baby.

Leah65: Hi. A/S/L?

Lewkk: Umm, 20/M/USA I'm 6'2, 180, I got blonde hair, killer pecs and a six pack. I'm a writer, independently wealthy, a computer programmer, I have a 158 IQ, I'm a master of marshal arts, too.

Leah65: Isn't it Martial arts? Anyhow, I'm 16, 5'8 105 pounds, a cheerleader, gymnast and dancer. I have blue eyes, a tan and long blonde hair, and I like to make out a lot.

Lewkk: Oh yeah. What r u wearing?

Leah65: You'll have to come rescue me to find out.

Lewkk: Cool, where r u?

Leah65: The detention area.

Lewkk: I'm on my way honey.

Leah65: Ok sweetie *kiss*

Lewkk: Hann, lets go rescue the princiz!

Hann: No way dewd, I'm not splitting the XP or loot anymore than I already have too. I'm camping right here.

Lewkk: Dewd...she's got Lotsa Lewt I bet.

Hann: How much?

Lewk: More than you could sell to JEbay in a lifetime

Hann: I dunno dewd, I can sell quite a lot. But what the heck,lets go. But leave the droids here. I ain't coming all the way back in here to pick up their corpses.

RRRtoo: Beep

3peaoh: What are we supposed to do?

Lewkk: Lock the doors, dewd.

Hann: And hope they don't respawn.

Lewwk, Wacky and Hann take off for the detention area.

Hann: Ok, dewd. Let's rock.

Hann, Lewkk and Wacky storm the detention block and wipe out the mob.

Lewkk: Her cells down there, I'm goin.

Hann: Cool.

Suddenly the comlink buzzes

Voice: Hey, what're you guys doin down there?

Hann: Umm, hey...do you know how long it takes for the guards in the prison block to respawn?

Voice: You need more guards? Ok, I'll spawn a whole legion down there for you. Over and out dewd.


Down the hall, Lewkk enters Leah65's cell.
Lewkk: Hey hottie.
Leah65: Hey hottie. let's get out of here.

Lewkk and Leah65 head back down the corridor. Suddenly a battalion of stormtroopers spawns and Hann and Wacky run down the corridor to meet them.


Hann: I got no other choice!! Where's the back door?

Lewkk: There isn't one dewd!!

Leah65: You twerp, you're gonna get us all killed!

Hann: Well, you're the one that needed rescuing, babe!

Leah65: Shut up or I'll PK you, Noob!

Hann: I am not a noob, my freakin mules have more skills than you do!

Leah65: Forget it, let's just lag through this grate here.

The group runs into the wall, waiting for a moment of lag to cause them to glitch through to the other side. The vast number of troopers firing at them causes a huge lag, and they slide through the closed grate easily, only to find themselves in a mysterious black room.

Lewkk: Where are we dood?

Hann: I have a bad feeling about this...

Leah65: I have a bad feeling about your bad feeling

Wacky: ROAAR

Hann: Wacky sez he has a bad feeling about your bad feeling.

Lewkk: Wait a sec, I know where we are! We're in "Hacker Hell!!"

Hann: What? What's that??

Leah65: Don't you know anything?? Hacker Hell is the place you get sent when the server detects any hacking of your account information! We must have triggered it when we lagged through!

Lewkk: If we don't get out of here, we'll get banned for sure!!

Leah65: What do we do?

Hann: Ok, quick, everybody log, maybe that'll get us out!

They all quickly log off. A moment later they log back in to find themselves split up on different parts of the station. Lewkk and Leah65 are together, and Hann and Wacky are somewhere else.

Leah65: Whew, that was close.

Lewkk: Let's get out of here, I've had enough of this place.

Leah65: Yeah, let's go camp some Bothans or something.

Lewkk: Letz go. I'll PM Hann and tell him to meet us there.

On another part of the station, 3peaoh and RRRtoo are waiting for the others to return. Suddenly a stormtrooper spawns. 3peaoh and RRRtoo gang up on the critter, but are easily killed. They respawn in the falcon.

3peaoh: Dewd, that sucked. I wonder where Lewkk is.

RRRtoo: Beep.

3peaoh: Oh yeah, I forgot I had him squelched. Just a sec.

3peaoh unsquelches Lewkk.

Lewkk: Where r u?

3peaoh: We're in the ship dewd. You comin or what?

Lewkk: Yah dewd, we'll be right there. Hann and wacky are coming too.

Lewkk and Leah65 race towards the ship.

Cut to Hann and Wacky running from some stormtroopers.

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

Commander: You idiot, those aren't droids! They're rebels and they're getting away, after them!

The commander and Bob chase Hann and Wacky towards some blast doors.

Commander: Click on the blast doors! Click on the blast doors!

Hann and Wacky slip through the blast doors just in time.

Commander: Click on the blast doors! click on the blast doors!

TrooperBob: Look, sir, droids.

Commander has had enough and PKs Bob.

Cut to another part of the station. Ewan-Wan is wading through an army of troopers with his "Double bladed indestructible mega lightsaber of super goodness"

Ewan: Come on suckers, drop some lewwwwwwwt!

From behind him Vayderr stalks ionto view.

Vayderr: Ewan-Wan. I thought you might come here. The lure of this stations lewt is too powerful for even you to resist.

Ewan: Anikin. Wuz up Dewd?

Vayderr: Not much dewd. I think I'm gonna PK you though. I want that LS you've got.

Ewan: No way dewd, I got this loot when I did the "defeat Darth Maul" Quest. Besides, it's no-drop.

Vayderr: Well, I'll PK you anyhow

Ewan: Bring it on Dewd.

Ewan and Vayderr start to duel. They kick, punch, jump and flip all over the station, finall winding up near the Falcon just as Lewkk, Hann, Wacky and Leah65 arrive.

Lewkk: EWAN! Let's go!

Ewan: No way dewd, I'm ownin all over this joker. I'll catch up to you later, get out of here.

Lewkk: Ok, kewl dewd.

Lewkk and the rest climb on the ship and take off. The animation of the ship departure causes stationwide lag however, and Ewan Wan lags off in the middle of combat. The server detects this, and enacts the brand new "logging off during combat" punishment that the live team instituted in response to a whole bunch of people posting mesasages complaining about the tactic on the message boards. Well, actually it was only one guy with 200 user names and nothing better to do, but the live team bought it anyhow, and Ewan-Wan is resurrected as a permanent ghost when he logs back on.

Ewan: Dewd!!! This suxxors, I can't do anything except talk to people now.

Vayderr: Sux to be u dewd. Laterz

Open on the Falcon, flying away from the UP Star.
Lewkk: Dewd, come on, let's camp this thing.
Hann: No way dewd. I'll drop you off at the Starship store down on Yavin 4 and you can get your own ship, I'm taking off to go camp the Rancor.

Lewkk: What's a Rancor?

Hann: You'll find out dewd.

Lewkk: Whatever, ok drop me off. But you're gonna miss out on whatever lewt this thing drops.

Hann: Whatever. Have fun camping.

Hann drops lewk off at "Ye olde spaceship shoppe" on Yavin 4.

Lewkk goes in and spots the shopkeeper, a red haired Chiss.

Lewkk: Hey dood, What kind of name is this for a store?

MaraThrawn: Hey, this was my shoppe in UO, so I just brought the name with me, you don't like it, you go somewhere else.

Lewkk: Whatever. What about roleplaying, dewdd?

Mara: I AM roleplaying. Roleplaying just means taking a role. So I'm taking the role of a person that played UO and now is playing SWG. Who are you to say what roleplaying is? You're not the boss of me!!

Lewkk: Whatever. How much for a spaceship?

MaraThrawn: What kind of ship you want?

Lewkk: I want a corellian YT-1300 with a cloaking device, two ion cannons, a wet bar, a waterbed-

Mara: Ok Dewd. What u got to trade?

Lewkk: Umm, I got 200 suits of stormtrooper armor, a bunch of wamprat whiskers, and a practice droid I stole from Ewan-Wan.

Mara: That lewt sux, but if you give me all of it, I'll trade you a "slightly used" X-wing.

Lewkk: Ok, let me have the ship.

Mara: No way, you trade first.

Lewkk: No, you first.

Mara: No you.

Lewkk: No, you.

Mara: No, you go.

Lewkk: No you go.

Mara: No, you first.

Lewkk: No, me first.

Mara: No way dewd, Me first.

Lewkk: Ok you win, you first.

Mara: Ok dewd.

Mara drops the ship and Lewkk grabs it and shoves it in his backpack. Lewkk then hands all his lewt to Mara.

Mara: Good trade dewd.

Lewkk: Laterz.

Lewkk takes the beaten up old X-wing out and unpacks it. RRRtoo climbs into the droid seat in the back.

3peaoh: What am I gonna do while you guys camp that line?

Lewkk: I don't know, you and the priniz can go macro or something.

Leah65: Ok dewd, I'll c u later.

Lewkk: Cya.

Lewkk takes off and flies towards the UP star.

As he approaches his comlink sounds.

Red_Leader_SWG: back of the line, Noob.

Red_Leader_1138: Yeah Dewd, what he said.

Red_Leader_Adm_Thrwn: We've been here for a year dewd, don't een think about cutting.

Lewkk: How long does this thing take to respawn?

Red_Leader_Skiewlkr: Like 3 years dewd. But it drops the best lewt in the game.

Lewkk: What's that?

Red_Leader_Kyp55: A medal and a ticket to the big "End of the movie" celebration!

Lewkk: What's it good for?

Darth_Red_Leader: Dewd, it lets you stop playing and get back to your life for a little while.

Red_Leader_Galactica: Dewd, I gotta have it, I haven't seen the sun since forver.

Red_Leader_4ever: I know what u mean dewd.

Red_Leader_Maul: Ok, dewds, I'm going in.

Red_Leader_Mastahkillahl: Go 4 it dewd!!!

Red_Leader_Maul flies in, evading hundreds of TIEs and starts his run on the UP star trench.

Lewkk: Doodz, about how long does this fight take?

Red_Leader_Anuhken: about 7 minutes dewd.

Suddenly there is a system wide announcement.

System Administrator: The server will be coming down for maintenance in 5 minutes. Please move to safety and log off. The system will be back online in 1 hour.

System Administrator: The server will be coming down for maintenance in 5 minutes. Please move to safety and log off. The system will be back online in 1 hour.


I've been here 18 months!!! I'm gonna lose my turn!!!

Red_Leader_Maul tries his best to make it, but the system shuts down before he can fire his weapons.

6 weeks later, the server finally comes back online. Lewkk, ever the faithful camper, has been sitting at his comp trying to log in the whole time. He manages to be the first one back on and starts his run.

Lewkk: Kewl, no one's on. It's all MINE!!

Vayderr comes over the comlink.

Vayderr: No way dewd, it's PK city for you.

Vayderr chases Lewkk through the trench. He finally catches up to him just as Lewkk is about to kill the UP star.

Ewan-Wan suddenly appears in front of Vayderr's ship, blocking his view.

Ewan: Nah nah, you can't hit me, Lozer.

Vayderr: Get out of my way, Casper!

Ewan: Make me, Dewd.

Vayderr fires all of his weapons at once, causing such an amount of lag the Ewan once again gets logged off.

Vayderr: Upgrade to cable, modem boy!

Vayderr catches up to Lewkk and gets him in his sights.

Vayderr: Hasta Lavista Baybee.

Suddenly the Falcon flies down from above Vayderr.

Vayderr: No! I've been camped!!!

Hann blasts Vayderr's ship to bits.


Lewkk fires at the UP Star, destroying it. He then flies back and loots its corpse.



Hann and Lewkk fly off to go to the celebration.

In the meantime Vayderr respawns on coruscant. TarkenX is there, having just respawned too.

Vayderr: We'll get them next time, dewd.

TarkenX: Not me, dewd. The LOTR MMORPG goes gold tomorrow. I'm gonna get there first so I don't have to have this stoopid X after my name anymore.

Vayderr: No way dewd, who's gonna help me crush the rebellion?

TarkenX: Not my probelm Dewd. Middle Earth, here I come!!

TarkenX logs.

Back on Yavin 4, Lewkk activates the End of Movie ticket, and the celebration begins.

Lewkk: Dewd...what are we gonna do now? We got all the lewt, I got the girl, and the UP star is destroyed.

Leah65: Don't worry, there's an expansion coming out tomorrow.

3peaoh: Kewl, what's it called?

Hann: "The Empire Nerfs Back" What do you think that means?

Lewkk: Dunno Dewd, but I bet it roxxors...I hope I get to kick butt again.

Hann: Kewl dewd, maybe it'll have an upgrade for the Falcon.

Ewan: You guys are in for a surprise.

Leah65: I have a bad feeling about this...

Wacky: ROOAR

RRRtoo: Beep.

-------the end--------------------------