View Full Version : the great ring spammery

11-11-2002, 04:54 PM
ive edited my spoof and even added some new stuff so tell me what you think

the prolog
a long time ago in a galaxy far far away...oh never mind lets just get on with it.

*Gandalf rides on his carriage singing, "Follow the yellow brick road" *

Frodo: Gandalf! You're back!

Gandalf: What about my back?

Frodo: You know what I mean! It is so good to see you!

Gandalf: So, my young hobbit, your infactuation has not ceased, I see.

Frodo: Pfft! Like that can happen! Anyway, on to more things, how is the world?

Gandalf: You know i canít tell you important things

Frodo: Well thatís good to hear! Tell me, Will you be going to uncle Bilbo's birthday party?

Gandalf: They aren't bringing back that clown this year, are they?

Frodo: After last year, I doubt it!

*frodo gets off carraige*

Frodo: Well, see you later!

Gandalf mutters under his breath on a lose up shot: good riddance.......

*gandalf rides up to bilbos house and knocks on the door*

bilbo: oh do come in

*gandalf goes to the side of the door and opens it with his staff. a shotgun blast goes through the door and bilbo comes out with a shotgun and looks around*


bilbo: oh hello gandalf i uh...thought you were a sackvillbaggins

gandalf: nevermind that do you have the old toby

bilbo: shhhhh later

*they both go inside*

bilbo: i need to ask you a question. do any rings ever talk to you

gandalf: so what do you have to drink

ring: eat at Joeís, eat at Joeís, eat at Joeís, eat at Joeís

bilbo: yeah....by the way im going away and im taking the evil ring with me

gandalf: just tea thank you

*later. Bilbo gives his birthday speech*

bilbo: you all suck so bye

*bilbo dissapears*

frodo: ohhhhhhhhh boy

gandalf: ok got to run frodo

*a few days later frodo finds his house broken into*

gandalf: BOO

frodo: HOLY $#!+

gandalf: the ring is evil, thatís why it talks

frodo: you hear it to, thank God


gandalf:......yeah so i need to see the obviously evil saruman and get my ass kicked. you need to go to bree and make sure that if you hear tom bombadil shoot him

*they hear a noise and gandalf pulls sam out of thin air*

sam: ack! gardening at night!

gandalf: whatever. i need some one to loose frodo

sam: dont worry mr. gandalf i wont loose him

gandalf: thats not what i said

sam: please mr gandalf sir dont turn me into anything unnateral

*gandalf turns sam into a rubber chicken and then turns him back*

gandalf: that unnateral enough for you

*all three are in a spooky part of the forest*

gandalf: so um bye

*gandalf takes out two empty halves of coconuts and starts banging them together as he gallops away*

frodo: this is gonna be one long spoof

*gandalf meets radagast the brown*

gandalf: your not supposed to be in the movie

radagast: where are you going

gandalf: isengard

radagast: are you rideing on a horse

gandalf: yes

radagast: your using coconuts

gandalf: what

radagast: you have two empty halves of coconut and your banging them to ether. where did you get them

gandalf: i found them

radagast: in the shire? the coconut is tropical. this is a temperate zone


*gandalf slips away*

gandalf: saruman the dark lord whats his name...star man has found the ring in the shire.

saruman: and you didnít notice it before. have you been smoking old toby again.

*they go inside*


saruman: he said heíd give me 5 bucks

*gandalf gets ass kicked and frodo, sam, mary and pippin meet up with eachother*

pippen: SHROOMS

frodo: scary scream from man in black robe usually means to get off the road

*nazgul appears banging coconuts together*

nazgul#1: where is this person shire from the land of baggins. *sniff sniff* i smell shrooms.


*nazgul goes after shrooms instead*

mary: it gets dark really fast around here

*nazgul chase hobbits to buckelbarry ferry and frodo falls in water*

nazgul#1: HA HA HA HA HA HA

*hobbits go to prancing pony and drink*

pippen: FOOD

mary: BEER


*agenct all odds by throwing the ring in the air frodo gets it stuck on his finger*

sam, mary, pippen: ohhhhhhhhh boy

*frodo finds himself in weird shadow world*

sauron: peek a boo

frodo: HOLY $#!+

*frodo takes off ring*

aragorn: do it again uh i mean come with me

frodo: can i ask you a personal question do you uh wash your hair

aragorn: am i scary

frodo: no

*scean changes nazgul stabbing beds and finding out that the hobbits arenít there*

nazgul#2: do you know if there are any ring makers in bree

*hobbits and aragorn get to weather top*

frodo: i hope you know strider that when you wander off where ever your going mary and pippen are going to do something stupid to attract evil.

aragorn: yes but i must rescue you hobbits in my own particular...uh

sam: idiom

aragorn: IDIOM

nazgul#1: whatís going on

nazgul#2: some midgets are making smoke signals that say "baggins is here"

nazgul#1: im glad they know where that place is cause its not on the map

*nazgul attack hobbits*

nazgul#1: so do you guys know a Mr. shire from...


nazgul#1: ouch man thats harsh

*frodo gets stabbed*

nazgul#2: hey aragorn do you think that you could just scare us away like in the book

aragorn: sorry but i must fight you more uh...

nazgul#3: dramatically


*aragorn + hobbits meet up with arwen*


arwen: so you donít wash you hair on journeys

aragorn: oh shut up

*nazgul try to ask arwen for directions*

nazgul#1: hi uh were lost

arwen: if you want him come and clame him

nazgul#2: dose he owe us money or something

*big wave shaped like horses sweep nazgul away*

all nazgul: HOLY $#!+

frodo: gasp choke cough

arwen: oh donít be such a baby

*and now we go to the happy land of rivendell*

gandalf: ah old toby

frodo: gandalf

*gandalf hides pipe*

gandalf: ok now time for flashbacks

*flash back time "yipee"*

saruman: embrace the power of the ring or embrace your own destruction!

gandalf: there is only one lord of the rings, and i cant remember his name...LOOK ITS TONY DANZA

*gandalf hitches a ride with the lord of the eagles*

lord of the eagles: WHAT THE...WHOS ON MY BACK

saruman: gandalf?......

frodo: your not making any sense

gandalf: fool of a took you know i cant tell you important things

frodo: wrong hobbit

gandalf: oh well i like to say fool of a took he he

Elrond : Welcome to the Matrix, wait, I mean Rivendell, Mr. Anderson err uh, Frodo Baggins.

frodo: ohhhhhh boy

elrond: the matrix has you frodo uh ring i ment ring

*gandalf and elrond talk about...stuff*

elrond: the ring cannot stay here mr. anderson uh gandalf

*legolas and unimportant elves arrive. gimli and unimportant dwarves arrive. boromir and old farts of gondor arrive. boromir drops the shards of narsil *

boromir: oops

aragorn: im trying to read

*arwen meets gimli*

arwen: all aragorn wants to do is read his book, he has no time for me

gimli: there there. hey do you want to play a game of hide the helmet

arwen: how do you play

*...then other things happened and aragorn managed to finish "a catcher in the rye"......meanwhile at elronds counsel*

elrond: big bombad sauron has found ring and him mucho happey.


elrond: you donít like my boss nass impression


elrond: you have to take the ring into mordor and you all mite die horrible deaths. any questions...gimli

gimli: how do elves walk on snow

elrond: any intelligent questions...boromir

boromir: can i borrow the ring

elrond: no. anything else...gimli what is it now

gimli: can i borrow you JKII game

elrond: NO!!!

gimli: sheesh sorry

elrond: so who wants to die

frodo: ill go. the ring is driving me insane with repeating that damn poem

ring: everyone hates me no one loves me im gonna eat some worms

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my accent

gandalf: well i have nothing better to do

boromir: youíll need some conflict for the story

sam: im not supposed to loose frodo

mary, pippen: youíll need comic relief

elrond: well at least we'll only loose one elf

gandalf: well elrond we cant screw up too bad

elrond: no gandalf your men are already dead uh i mean good luck

*annnnnd there off....first they try to go around the misty mountains*

gandalf: no we cant go that way

all: well that was a waste of time

*then they try to go on top of it*

gimli: how do elves walk on snow

legolas: its the shoes

gimli: cool. new balance

gandalf: no we cant go here either

gimli: who wants to go to the spooky place

*all but gandalf raise hands*

gandalf: what have i gotten myself into

*they go to moria and find everyoneís dead*

gimli: i thought something was funny when i didnít get any Christmas cards for 60 years. oh well cant keep track of everthing

*frodo gets violated by "the watcher in the water" and all get trapped in the mines*

pippen: they still have malt beer here right...right???

gandalf: im lost

boromir: who put him in charge again

gimli: i like it here. its nice and snug on these sharp rocks

aragorn: dwarves are so weird

gimli: thats not what arwen thought when we played hide the helmet

aragorn: WHAT!!!

*aragorn starts choking gimli and gandalf remembers just in time then they see the great hall of dwarrowdelf*

aragorn: dwarrowdelf

gimli: dwarrowdelf

gandalf: dwarrowdelf

legolas: its only a model

all: shhhh

*gimli gets mopey over baliens death and gandalf finds oris long lost diary*

gandalf: "bought the new jedi knight 2 game and i can own dori any day on MP" *skips abit* "they have taken the bridge and the second hall. we have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. drums, drums in the deep. we cannot get out. a shadow moves in the dark. we cannot get out....they are coming........P.S. if i get out of this i need to remember to pay gimli that 5 bucks i owe him.

*pippen attracts the presence of evil and thus big fight breaks out*

gimli: were in my own country and the elf get the better fight sceans

peter Jackson: yeah throw those rocks you hobbits

*frodo gets stabbed again but has dwarf mail to protect him*

gandalf: aww shoot uh i mean hooray for dwarf mail

*balrog appears and chases them. gimli thinks he can make a 50 foot jump...right. balrog chases them to the bridge of kazad dum "donít you just love to say those words*


balrog: hey your that wizard who stole my wallet!

gandalf: uh....if i pay you back will you let us go

balrog: yeah

gandalf: how much

balrog: 10000

gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

*gandalf and balrog fall into an abyss "bye bye" hobbits have a teary moment*

boromir: donít cry gimli


aragorn: quit crying you wusses

gimli: i hope that was the horn of gondor that you were jabbing into my chest

*they go to woods of lothloriean*

gimli: they say there is a great elf witch who lives in these woods

mary: ooooooo spooooky

gimli: but she wont get me, i have foxy eyes

haldir: the dwarf breaths so loud that...HOLY, jeese dwarf what did you eat

gimli: gaze into my foxy eyes elf

*haldir ignors gimli*

aragorn: forgive the company i travel with. they're all...well...stupid

gimli: what about the stuff your going to say about "we havent had dealing with a dwarf sence durins bane was awokend"

haldir: its in the special edition

*they meet galadriel*


galadriel: muwhahahaha scary arenít i

all: no

*yada yada yada blah blah blah*

galadriel: farewell frodo baggins. i give you this...shiny thing

frodo: where do you put the quarter

*company gets to the argonath*

the argonath: stop. hey you cant go through here. stop cut it out. no dont do it. awww crap....shut up stupid birds and get out of my ear

*.....companey gets to amon hen*

gimli: recover strength!? what do you mean by that!

legolas: a lot of orcs are on the other side. Can we go

aragorn: ummmmm no

*boromir fights frodo for the ring*

boromir: ill give it right back. i promis

frodo: instead ill show you a magic trick

*frodo dissapears*

boromir: oohhhhhhhhh $#!+ im in deep $#!+

*frodo gets a boat and goes off to mordor with Sam*

Sam: im not supposed to loose you


*aragorn legolas and gimli kill half saurons army in woods, boromir gets killed and mary and pippen get captured "perfect end to a perfect day"*

mary: even after we painted those bullseyes on boromir your still going to capture us

boromir: aragorn ive always loved you

aragorn: ok ill just be over there

*they put boromir in a boat and bury him*

gimli: the boats stuck on a rock

aragorn: er

legolas: donít look at me, im not getting it


11-11-2002, 04:56 PM
brilliance........pure, undiluted, thriving brilliance......

dude, thats awesome! :lol: owww, my side hurts........ :D

Father Torque
11-11-2002, 06:33 PM
Your story insired me to work on a script :D :D read it and tell me what you think (lotr and matrix spoof) i love your script its a masteroiece.:)

11-11-2002, 06:39 PM
Originally posted by Father Torque
Your story insired me to work on a script :D :D read it and tell me what you think (lotr and matrix spoof) i love your script its a masteroiece.:)
good luck and wait for TTT spoof around january