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View Full Version : Gather ye round, kiddies...


GendoTheGreat
11-12-2002, 09:02 AM
... and let Uncie Gendo share some newly discovered wisdom with you. Did you know that crumbed processed fish portions and beer do not make for a good breakfast combination? Hard to believe isn't it? Go figure.

Now, I'm sorry if I mislead you, but that piece of worldy advice is not the reason for this post. The reason is this:

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1061695

This is a short piece of fiction written by me, based on the anime series Neon Genesis Evangelion. If you don't know what Evangelion is you probably won't understand the story, but that's ok. I put up this link to give an example of my [lack of?] creative writing talent. Just make sure you read the authors notes first, they help explain why the piece may seem to suck so severely. So if you feel like reading it, please do so and tell me what you think. I'm planning on doing some GF fiction and there's no point in doing that if I suck at it, is there?

Darth Eggplant
11-12-2002, 03:07 PM
first off lose
the long author's intro,
it makes you sound weak
and uncertain of yourself.
if you are not 'with'
what you wrote why should I,
the reader, want to
'go with you'
as you take me along a journey
of the mind. let people decide
for themselves whether they
like it or not,
don't place pre ordained idea's
into their heads first.

next...

dream sequence,
not being familiar with anime
or this character or series
did not know what a Yui! was,
could have been a japanese curse
word for all I know, also not being
a follower of Gendo, the section
I feel might have had more
description rather than a quick
voice over effect.
what were they even vaguely doing
I have no clue? neither will other
virgin anime readers.
(oh yes dream sequence
like flashbacks; place in different
type font and italic and bold
to really differentiate it from
main body of the story.)

next...

too many smaller paragraphs
must be consolidated. just like
watching tv you need to have huge
block of plot completely catching
you up in the thing so you become
totally a spectator to the event.
each break is like a commercial
block reminding you, hey I should
be somewhere else, or doing
something else. or like at the
movies having someone completely
ruin it by getting up and doing
the aisle wave interuption thing.
paragraghs should hold general
themes or progressions in
topic, style writing until
an appropriate station
identification break occurs.
(as such here is how I feel you
should re-format your story,
after all it is a story
and not HAIKU peotry.

first par:
Gendo shot up...
(all the way to end of)
...her again.

dramatic pause and
seperate small paragraph sentence for

"But what if that day..."

very good. leave as is.

second par:
what....(end)...and at work that day.

third par: changing plot and topic
Ikari stared at his sweat drenched bed...
(until)
...for her he would win the day.

fourth par:
his demons....suddenly it came to him:
*try using colon rather than period
denotes break but also implies add on
and flashback is an add on.*

**flahsback**
just like in dream sequence use italic,
bold, different colour, or type face
to set it apart from main body of story.

Yui...(for non gendre person ie me this helps explain opening dream bit a lot.)

continuation of fourth par:
(but space between end of flash back
and change over back to original text

The neck of the bottle...
(end)
...volunteered for experiment.

fifth par:
Gendo squeezed eyes shut...
(end)...taken his as well.

sixth par:
He snarled through clenched teeth...
(end)
...into the sink.

seventh par:
Ten minutes later...
(end)
...the phone went dead.

eighth par:
Locking the keypad...
(end)
...he always won.

ninth par: climax of chapter one
(dramatic angst passage)
No sooner...
(end)
...as his body cooled.

tenth and final par: to be continued
(for chapter two segway)
There was no way...
...broken window.


I could find little or no
spelling or gramatical errors,
but there are professional people
who do that sort of thing.
I am not the best judge for that.
I am not a big anime person
and only know one Gendo ie you
but I found myself following
the story and willing to
read future installments.
however as stated lose the
uncertain, modesty, naif author's
intro and keep the audience chained
to the page and paragraph for as long
as possible without giving them chance
to get away.

JofaGuht
11-12-2002, 11:31 PM
I have my own few stories on fanfiction.net
my name there is KingJofa. The one I have on there is really crappy, but I'm gonna redo that one. I have to admit I have never seen or read any Neon Genesis Evangelion, but i'll try reading yours anyway