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Darth Talliusc
11-18-2002, 06:26 PM
if you're offended by canadian jokes (edit: or jokes about any nationality as some include more then just canada) then do not read the rest of this thread. you have been warned... eh.

i found this the other day on google and rather then just posting a link i cut and pasted the best parts of it. enjoy:



You know you're Canadian when:

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".
3. You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine".
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!"
8. You can drink legally while still a 'teen. 9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
10.You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
11.When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
12.You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and you don't want to know if he has!
13.You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
14.Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
15.You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
16.You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
17.You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
18.You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
19.You know that Mounties "don't always look like that".
20.You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
21.You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
22.You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
23.You participated in "Participaction".
24.You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
25.You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
26.Unlike any international assasin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.
27.You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
28.You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
29.You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
30.You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
31.You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
32.You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
33.You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
34.You know what a toque is.
35. You have some memento of Doug and Bob.
36.You know Toronto is not a province.
37.You never miss "Coaches Corner".
38.Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
39. You use "elastics", not rubber bands
40. Your "SO-rry", not sawry
41. Your Mother is your Mum, not your Mom
42. You know the words of "The Star Spangled Banner" from all the hockey games you've watched on TV
43. You see "Dunh da Dunh da Daaah" and immediately think of the "Hockey Night in Canada" anthem
44. You honestly believe Smarties are better than M&M's, and can taste the difference

(my personal favourites were: 3,7,10,17,20,29,30,34,35)



How do you spell Canada? C, eh? N, eh? D, eh? (The oldest Canadian joke around)



A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."



Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.



In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.



One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"



A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"



On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son," explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"



An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."



well thats all for now. ill post some more later on. and if you're a canadian reading this please give a shout out. im from Kingston Ontario and i love this place :D

edit2: we've been warned. please dont ruin the good intentions of this thread (to bring us all a little chuckle) and ruin it by flaming. i really dont want to start any anger here. just read and know that they are posted by a dumb kid who lives in kingston. if you dont like my thread i respect that and apologize for whatever i did to anger you.

Matt-Liell
11-18-2002, 06:31 PM
17.You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
That would be me!:D

Taos
11-18-2002, 06:32 PM
LAMO!!! Canadian jokes are funny.....I don't have any to add to the list though. :D

XERXES
11-18-2002, 06:33 PM
oh come on....eveybody picks on their little brothers...and its the same way with america and america jr.

ckcsaber
11-18-2002, 06:37 PM
Speaking of funny and Canadiens, any of you watch Kids in the Hall?

Rogue Nine
11-18-2002, 06:38 PM
Those are funny and lighthearted. I like the one about the Englishman, the American and the Canadian. Brought a tear to me eye.

If this turns into a flame thread, it gets closed. Just warning anyone who might be thinkin' aboot that now.

Darklighter
11-18-2002, 06:41 PM
You said if Canadians were offended, do not read further. Well some of those jokes are kind of offensive to British people as well.

Lucky I'm such a nice guy:mad:

;)

Bob Gnarly
11-18-2002, 06:43 PM
29.You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
i like that one but anyways


i dont understand why where america Jr when we're bigger then america (not as powerfull, but bigger!)



BTW im canadian :D

Darth Talliusc
11-18-2002, 06:44 PM
america jr... ouch eh.



On the sixth day, God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes teeming with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants prosper, and I shall call these inhabitants Canadians. They shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."



take that xerxes :p

Top Ten Reasons For Being Canadian

10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.

8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins.

7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.

5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?

4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.

2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

1. It beats being an American.


and that as well :D


thats enough america bashing, on with the canuck only jokes:

* Maybe you'd like to know our top military secret.
But I'm not going to tell you where we hid the keys to the boat

* Did you hear about the Newfoundlander who died drinking milk? The cow fell on him

* Q. Why did the Newfie wanted Quebec to separate?

A. He wanted to be closer to Ontario.

when you cross the border on your way south you can see a add saying: "welcome to the U.S.of A: we've got Bob Hope Johnny Cash and Stevie Wonder" On your way back (going into Canada) the sign reads: "Welcome to Canada; here we have no Hope, no Cash...no Wonder

* 6 years ago Prime minister Brian Mulroney called George Bush and he asked him: "Why the hell did you take Dan Quayle as vice-president?" George says: "He passed the intelligence test" What was that test? "I asked him: If your mother has a baby and it's not your brother and not your sister, who is it?"And Dan answered:" It's me" So I hired him.

Good idea says Brian I'll try that on my finance minister: So he asks Joe Clark the same question. Joe says : "well can I give you an anser in a day or two?" "No prob"

Joe is completely in the dark so he asks Jean Charest the same question. Jean aswers :"It'sd me of coure".

Happy Joe goes back to Brian and says: "I've got the answer to your question: if my mother has a baby who is neither my brother or my sister, it's Jean Charest". Shaking his head Brian says: "Your such a dork; it's Dan Quayle you idiot"


* Q: How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians?
A: "Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?"


hope everyones enjoying these.

"take off, you knob" bob mckenzie

C'jais
11-18-2002, 06:45 PM
Canada resembles Denmark in terrifying detail :(

No seriously, I understood a lot of the canadian words, not to mention the whole Danish mentality towards authorities is very much like Canada's.

Matt-Liell
11-18-2002, 06:47 PM
Originally posted by KingPin



i dont understand why where america Jr when we're bigger then america (not as powerfull, but bigger!)



BTW im canadian :D

ya why is that we r bigger! p.s. if u havent guessed im canadien!

Bob Gnarly
11-18-2002, 06:49 PM
nah im pretty sure i noticed :D

Darklighter
11-18-2002, 06:52 PM
Originally posted by Darth Talliusc

3. You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine".
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
8. You can drink legally while still a 'teen. 9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
12.You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and you don't want to know if he has!
14.Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
27.You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
39. You use "elastics", not rubber bands
40. Your "SO-rry", not sawry
41. Your Mother is your Mum, not your Mom
44. You honestly believe Smarties are better than M&M's, and can taste the difference


All of those are just about true for English residents as well:Dlol

And Smarties are completely different from M&Ms!;)lol

Darth Talliusc
11-18-2002, 06:53 PM
i think that we're america junior because of the population difference *size* and the fact that if they wanted our fresh water/oil they'd come over and take it. they could quite easily take over canada if they wanted too.... thank goodness that they havent decided that we're worth it yet.

reminds me of another joke i heard though:

if the world was a prison america would be our bi*&$, were bigger, were colder, and were on top.

thanks for letting that slip darky. you'll notice ive edited first post to include other nationalities. i really dont want to make anybody angry.

edit: i didnt think that you were angry darky. but i wanted the others in the thread to know that. some ppl are more easily offended then you.

Darklighter
11-18-2002, 06:56 PM
Originally posted by Darth Talliusc
thanks for letting that slip darky. you'll notice ive edited first post to include other nationalities. i really dont want to make anybody angry.

Hey hey, don't worry about it m8:)It's fine, I'm not angry...I was just pointing it out...check out my last post and you'll see how serious I am;)lol