View Full Version : Dark Nemesis 1: Forgotten Evil

02-19-2003, 05:11 PM
This is a story I started in the 6th grade, immediately after TPM came out. It started out as a poorly written, 10 page thing starring 2 original Jedi characters as they took on the master's fallen apprentice (this is also before Jedi Apprentice 2 came out, so I was indeed ahead of my time). As you will read, it has evolved into much, much more. I have added characters, both original and from TPM, AotC, and there is a good chance I may add some Jedi from the EU for some cameos as wee. I would appreciated feedback on the story, characters, and my style of writting (action, dialouge, character development). If you have suggestions, feel free to post them here (quote what you're reffering to please).

This is part one in a trilogy. I really hope to at least finish this one... If I do, I'll be sure to post the next two, though they may not be revised to this length and be corny 7th grader work (I have a disk with them on it...)




It is several months after the BATTLE OF NABOO. The TRADE FEDERATION is losing power as its head officers are being arrested for unjust acts of the REPUBLIC. Their droid armies have been taken away, but some have been spotted on the world of Alaris, an Outer Rim world ablaze with civil war.

Jedi RIV-LYN VEERS has been sent to investigate the situation and help unite the two hemispheres at war. He was not informed of all the weapons possesed by the terrorists that started the war, and many high ranking officers and political officials have been killed. Although he does not have solid evidence, he believes it was the doing of BLACK SUN that granted the terrorists to get a hold of such weapons.

On his way back to report the matter with the Jedi Council, the members await his arrival to inform him of Padawan's trials being held. They must offer his support for Veers to take on another apprentice since he has had an apprentice who had fallen to to the Darkside.

But while they discuss that matter, a new power is arising on the Outer Rim in command of the stolen Trade Federation Droids. The Jedi must investigate their link to the terrorists of Alaris and if possible, neutralize it. The council have decided to send Veers and his newly chosen apprentice to deal with the matter...

Well, I finally wrote the title scroll dealy. Tell me what I need to make it sound good, because I don't like it....

02-19-2003, 05:26 PM
Coruscant. The central planet of the Galactic Republic that ruled the core and middle rim planets sun set low turning the sky to a majestic orange. The tall skyscrapers took in the sun’s rays and turned orange as well with the traffic’s reflections scrolling across it like digits on a computer counsel. Among one of the most famous structures on the planet was the Jedi Temple, the super large structure where the young students were brought up in the Jedi Code and trained to become Jedi Knights, the peacekeepers of the galaxy. As the suns set lower the Republic Transport Ship Radiant VIII, which replaced its 34-year-old predecessor that was destroyed right before the events of the Battle of Naboo, landed on the ship platform suspended kilometers high above the planet’s criminal infested surface and just less than a kilometer away from the Jedi Temple.
As its landing gear slowly creaked out from concealment, its anti-grav systems activated and the repulsor units on the belly of the ship slowed the massive cruiser's descent. It slowly landed with a faint click of metal against metal. As its loading ramp lowered slowly with a reluctant hiss, a small group of shrouded people surrounded it. Down the loading ramp came a single robed figure with a closely trimmed beard and shoulder length hair. His name was Riv-Lyn Veers. He had hazel eyes, golden brown hair, and a cleft chin. The brown cloak he wore covered his broad shoulders and fit body. He looked at the faces of all the people that had come to greet him. From left to right he saw Mace Windu, Ki-Adi Mundi, Tezk Averon and his apprentice Nei-Opo Halca, Yoda, Adi Gallia, and Plo Koon. Five of the seven were on the High Jedi Council. He continued down the ramp and bowed to the counsel members.
“Ahh, arrive so quickly have you,” Yoda was first to speak. He was one of the two Jedi High Council Senior Members, along with Mace Windu. He stood only a meter tall and held his slouched body up with a brown gimer stick as a cane. His robes were to big for him and his ears twitched slightly as he spoke. He continued to speak, “Successful your mission was?”
Riv-Lyn inhaled deeply through his nose and pondered the question for a moment, gazing at an over passing freighter, “No, Master. The negotiations between the northern and southern hemispheres of Alaris have failed. Several of the political leaders have died and the terrorist groups have managed to secure several hydrogen charged warheads. With proper supervision, these warheads can create crude Proton Bombs that can destroy 3 to 4 kilometers of where they hit. I was unable to loacate the supplier, but I have my suspicions about Black Sun being the suppliers.”
The Jedi all stood in silence. The Senior High Council Member Mace Windu was the next to speak, “It was a tough assignment, Jedi Riv-Lyn, that is why we gave it to you. Alaris’ fall from the Republic and Black Sun’s supposed rise in power from its former corruptness is insignificant at this point in time. The Jedi are more concerned for the departure of Dooku. He has been a great Jedi and we can not afford to lose him with this mysterious Sith Lord lurking the galaxy.”
Riv-Lyn avoided eye contact with all of them. He was disappointed in himself for letting down the government of Alaris. The bloodshed that would result in the planet’s civil war was a result of his actions. He simply nodded and watched as a pair of escort starfighters streaked by following another Republic transport ship, “The planet is engulfed in open civil war now. I just hope the Senate can work things out better than I have.”
Nei-Opo rolled his eyes at the word “senate” and his master Tezk responded sharply, “I am quite sure if Jedi Riv-Lyn wanted your opinion young Padawan, he would have asked for it.”
The young boy nodded, “Yes, Master. I apologize Jedi Veers.”
Riv-Lyn nodded to the boy, “Quite alright Nei-Opo. I am here to investigate where the Alaris Terrorists managed to get a hold of those warheads.”
“Answer that we can, Master Riv-Lyn.”
“Master?” Riv-Lyn responded, “Do you know if Black Sun were the suppliers of the terrorists?”
“Not yet,” Mace responded, “That is what you are going to find out though.”
“Sorry Masters, but I am unsure of as to what you are trying to tell me.”
“The students’ trials today they are,” Yoda nodded, “Yet another chance to choose your Padawan learner. Mission the two of you sent on you will.”
Riv-Lyn was surprised and softened his voice to a near hoarse whisper, “Master, I thought I had made it clear that I was not going to take another apprentice.”
“Afraid are you?” Yoda asked, “Fear an emotion of a Jedi not it is.”
“No Master Yoda. I am not afraid, merely… concerned. After my failure with Que-Von, I do not believe I could ever take another apprentice. It is not for my own safety, but for the safety of the Jedi Order and the rest of the galaxy.”
“Que-Von Towlki was weak, Jedi Riv-Lyn. It was his failure to fall to the Darkside, not yours,” Plo Koon said. Riv-Lyn looked down at the brown nerf-skinned boots he wore, and then back to the face of Plo’s which was covered with devices that allowed the Ikthorian to breath and see in Coruscant’s rich atmosphere, “Never the less, I could not make half a good a master as any of you.”
“Remember not Qui-Gon Jinn, Master Veers?” Yoda asked.
Riv-Lyn was confused what this statement meant, “Yes. I was not able to attend his funeral on Naboo, but I do remember he taught Obi-Wan Kenobi. Was he not also one of Dooku’s apprentices?”
“Correct you are, Master Riv-Lyn. Do you not remember Xanatos?”
Riv-Lyn thought Yoda’s words at a lightning fast rate, and then shook his head, “I vaguely remember his name in the Jedi Archives, but I do not know who he is exactly.”
“First apprentice of Qui-Gon he was. Fell to the Darkside he did, as Que-Von did. But is not Master Obi-Wan an exceptional Jedi?”
Ki-Adi Mundi turned to them, “Our taxi has arrive to take us to the Jedi Temple.”
Riv-Lyn followed the group of Jedi with Yoda at his side; the pointy eared being limping as usual with the assistance of his cane. Seated next to Tezk Averon and Yoda, Riv-Lyn decided to continue the conversation once the driver took off. Once the small blue, open topped vehicle flew away he began to speak, “What ever happened to this Xanatos? Do you think he is the Sith threat that Master Qui-Gon and Master Obi-Wan had revealed at Naboo?”
“No,” Mace answered, “He died several years ago. Both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan witnessed it. Whoever this new Sith threat is, he has disposed of any evidence to his whereabouts.”
“Masters,” Riv-Lyn started uneasily, “Do you think that Que-Von may be the Sith Lord we are in search of? The last I saw of him was during my battle with him on Ord Mandrel. He may have used this time to train under the Sith Master…”
“Jedi Riv-Lyn, so sure are you as to the dead Sith Lord being the Apprentice?”
Riv-Lyn rubbed his bearded chin as he thought this through, “Merely an assumption, a possibility Masters.”
“Assume not, you should,” Yoda stated. He looked toward the skyline that flashed by them at a super fast rate and then the Temple grow bigger as they neared it. Riv-Lyn fell silent and then decided to change the subject, “How many students are participating in the event this year?”
Yoda smiled and laughed softly, “Decided have you to take on an apprentice?”
Tezk patted the man’s leg, “Good for you, Riv-Lyn. You would make a great master to a lucky boy.”
“Or girl,” Riv-Lyn mumbled. He turned to Yoda, “Are the two that I’ve watched still available for me to choose?”
“Available they are, Master Riv-Lyn,” Yoda said. The taxi stopped by a lift tube and each Jedi got with Nei-Opo being the last. Once he got on, the glass cylinder shot up the side of the building at a super fast rate. Yoda continued, “Beduch and Pah-Rei awaiting your arrival they are. Skills honed they have.”
Riv-Lyn nodded and fell silent for the rest of the elevator trip.

02-19-2003, 07:06 PM
As Riv-Lyn Veers and Yoda made their way to the Jedi Archives Library, another Jedi slightly younger than Riv-Lyn walked up to them. He was as tall as Riv-Lyn and had the short trimmed hair of an apprentice, but his Padawan’s braid was chopped off. He had blue eyes, brown hair, a clean-shaven face, and was only months younger than Riv-Lyn. His name was Obi-Wan Kenobi and he had some urgent business with Yoda. He spoke with a much heavier accent than Riv-Lyn did, “Excuse me Jedi Veers, Master Yoda. Have you by any chance seen Anakin, I have been searching all over for him and cannot seem to sense his presence anywhere.”
Yoda looked up to the young man, “Feel him I can. Near by, he is.”
Just as Yoda said this, all three of them spun around to see the young nine-year-old boy Anakin run through the hallway with a twelve-year-old girl hot on his heels. With lightning fast reflexes, Obi-Wan caught the boy from Tatooine just as Yoda did the same to the young girl.
Riv-Lyn recognized her instantly as Pah-Rei Wenpa, one of the two students he was to choose as his Padawan learner. She was physically fit with an athletic body, yet her features were feminine and beautiful. She had shoulder length brown hair and cool gray eyes with a pair of thin black eyes suspended above them. Her body was slim and her hips, waist, and chest had perfect measurements for a girl her age.
Many Jedi Knights knew her as an excellent fighter in both the mental and physical attributes. She was also known for her short held temper and the many brawls she had gotten in with many of the students at the Temple. This was not to be unexpected because she was nicknamed “Orphan of the Temple”. She had been found abandoned by the Jedi High Council member Plo Koon on a mission to the surface of Coruscant. Found in a spacer’s bar without a family at all, Plo took her to the temple and got permission to let her in the Order at the age of five. If it were not for Yoda and Plo Koon, the girl would have been regarded as a threat and not accepted to participate in the Temple’s teachings. Although she was hot-tempered, many of the Council members had abandoned their doubts in her abilities. She was to stay at the Temple until she was thirteen, which was only in two days.
“Trouble, have we young students?” Yoda asked, gently releasing Pah-Rei’s gray clothed tunic. Anakin shook his head, his tiny Padawan braid swaying from side to side, “No, no Master Yoda.”
Pah-Rei leapt toward him enraged shouting, “Liar! Master Yoda, he broke my lightsaber into not two, but three pieces!”
Yoda caught her again before she could get her hands around Anakin’s throat, “True, is this Padawan Anakin?”
He hesitated, “It was an accident. Really, it was!” Pah-Rei struggled under Yoda’s grip and was astonished at how strong he was for his size. She fell over while trying to get to Anakin. “That was my lightsaber! Not even I can fix that and I’m the one who built it!”
“I can,” Anakin said hiding behind Obi-Wan, “I can fix anything, honest!”
Riv-Lyn watched her anger, and suddenly he saw his old Padawan, Que-Von Towlki when he had slaughtered the villagers when they had stolen the main hyper drive of his ship and sold it to some members of the Black Sun Criminal Organization to use it against the Jedi Order. He remembered four Jedi had been killed in the massacre. He could not take her as his apprentice. A Jedi would never choose her if they saw her like this. She would become a pawn to the Darkside if the Sith Lord lurking the shadows of the galaxy ever got a hold of her. He felt sorry for her, she would live the rest of her days as a farmer on some Republic colony in the Outer Rim and never fulfill her dreams as a Jedi Knight. If only she could calm herself down, Riv-Lyn would choose her. She was already one of the most advanced students in the Temple, rivaling full-fledged Knights powers.
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan said, “What were you doing with a lightsaber? And how did you manage to break it into three pieces?”
“I never gave it to him, Master Kenobi! He stole it from my room!” she shouted while struggling to get to her feet. Several Jedi watched as they passed through the massive hallway of the Temple. Pah-Rei finally gave up her struggle against Yoda’s grip and lay on her back, gasping for air.
“Is this true Anakin? Did you steal her lightsaber?” Obi-Wan asked.
“I only wanted to see if she used two or three crystals and how she managed to keep all the energy of the synthetic crystals in the hilt without it exploding.”
“Simple, I deactivated the energy source before tampering with the crystal distribution grid! You are lucky I only had two crystals in there or your hands would not be on your wrists any longer!” the girl shouted up at him. She breathed deeply out of breath and tried her hardest to calm herself. By closing her eyes and taking three deep breaths, she sprung to her feet and managed to even free herself from Yoda’s grip.
Yoda was astonished by her strength, but managed to grab a hold of her again. She stood there and bowed to the three senior Jedi, “I apologize for my foolish behavior, Master Yoda, Master Kenobi, and Jedi Veers. Master Yoda, your holding me will no longer be necessary. I will retire to my quarters and attempt to reconstruct my weapon before the trials begin. The crystals will be a most simple task to fix, but as for the hilt…”
Riv-Lyn was astonished by this and watched her leave, his jaw open in awe, “Absolutely amazing, Master Yoda. She may not be able to control her temper, but she can regain it within little time. How well does she do in combat?”
Yoda frowned, “Wins to all of the students every time she does.”
Riv-Lyn’s brow furrowed, “How is that troubling to you?”
“Relies too much on her skill in physical combat she does. Not in the Force as a Jedi should. Too many combat forms uses she in a single battle. Form VII acquainted with is she. Fight with great skill she does. Proper training she needs to become swordsman as good as I however.”
Riv-Lyn, Obi-Wan, and Anakin all looked down at him, amazed at his words. Riv-Lyn was first to speak was first to speak, “Not even I have seen you in combat with a lightsaber Master Yoda And I am the oldest individual here with the exception of you.”
“Hmm,” Yoda pondered, “Never needed I to use one in combat in your short life times. Set up the trial I will. Master Riv-Lyn, begin your search you may for the suppliers of the Alaris Terrorists. Sufficient amount of data in the Archives there should be. Master Averon and Padawan Halca awaiting your arrival they are.”
“Master Obi-Wan,” Anakin said tugging on Obi-Wan’s brown robe after Riv-Lyn had left, “May I help Pah-Rei with her saber? I know how to reconnect the power distribution grid.”
“With Master Yoda’s permission, Padawan,” he responded looking back to Yoda. The old Jedi nodded his green head, “Help Pah-Rei and apologize you will.”
Yoda stood beside Obi-Wan as they watched the boy run off in the direction Pah-Rei had gone, “Help me you can. Supervise them you will.”
“Yes, Master Yoda. I apologize for the mishap. It will not happen again.”

02-19-2003, 07:07 PM
Riv-Lyn Veers arrived in the Jedi Temple Archives Library and was welcomed by Nei-Opo Halca. He was only fifteen and had yet to have been sent on a mission without his master, Riv-Lyn’s good friend and former master, Tezk Averon. He was tall for his age and was slightly shorter than Riv-Lyn was. He had a short Padawan braid that reached his shoulder and his blonde hair was cut short in the classic apprentice style. He bowed before Riv-Lyn, “Jedi Veers, my master has been awaiting your arrival. He has found some ship routes that are of some interest.”
“Really?” Riv-Lyn responded. He folded his arms across his chest and shoved his hands into opposite sleeves, “I would like to see that. Where is Tezk?”
“Oh, he is trying to decipher a code that may tell us who owns the cargo ships that supplied the Alaris Terrorists. It was indeed Black Sun, but we’re having trouble trying to unscramble the ship log we intercepted.”
“Then maybe I could be of assistance, Nei-Opo. Perhaps you should start tracking the ship’s flight plan to its starting origin and end location.”
“I have, Jedi Veers. They started out from Coruscant and are on their way back to their secret base on Hoth IV. Master Yoda gave me orders to investigate their computer core at their base on Coruscant and then I am to report back.”
“Then I will be working without Tezk?” Riv-Lyn asked.
Nei-Opo did not even attempt to hide his excitement, “No, he will be here. I’ve been instructed to do this mission on my own.”
Riv-Lyn placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder and squeezed it gently, “Congratulations, young one. I am very proud of…”
He stopped. He stood face to face with a bronzium statue of a head that was a part of the Lost Twenty collection. The set of statues was of Jedi that left the Order voluntarily. The one he looked at was a Wookie and had a label beneath it: Que-Von Towlki. Nei-Opo stopped at his elder’s side to look at it, “Have you decided on your Padawan yet?”
Riv-Lyn could not take his eyes from the Wookie’s statue, “Yes, I have. Pah-Rei Wenpa is to be my apprentice. I will observe her tonight while you are on your mission. Although short of temper, she is strong in her beliefs as a Jedi and Force powers. With the proper training she will become one of the greatest Jedi of all time. I only have to observe her in combat to make it official.”
Nei-Opo watched the man slowly look away from the statue and into his blue eyes. There was an awkward silence for a moment, but Nei-Opo spoke to Riv-Lyn, “Pah-Rei and I are good friends so I know of her strengths as a Jedi. She has never lost a battle. You will make an excellent Master, Jedi Veers.”
“As you will make a fine Jedi Knight someday, Nei-Opo.”
“Riv-Lyn, I am going to need some help here,” Tezk Averon said walking up to them. He had a long gray beard that stopped at his chest and had a whole head of long dull gray hair that stopped abruptly right in the middle of his back. He continued, “I have decoded the logs. The ship is called Dark Plague and is owned by a Black Sun officer who is also a head officer in the terrorist group, the Flaming Rancors. He is a Twi’lek named Varshaa and his main cargo was Trade Federation Destroyer Droids. His own team of operatives along with an unknown mercenary group delivered them to the Alaris Terrorists along with the Proton warheads.”
Nei-Opo looked back at the statue of Que-Von Towlki and then to Tezk, “Shall I leave now, Master?”
“Yes, Padawan, you are free to go. May the Force be with you, Nei-Opo.”
Nei-Opo bowed down low at the waist and left the Archives after saying, “As with you, my Master.”
Tezk continued to speak to Riv-Lyn as they walked to the console he had been using, “I have heard that you are going to view Pah-Rei Wenpa’s skills in combat tonight from Master Koon. I am very proud of you.”
Riv-Lyn shut off the computer and replaced the holobook in its proper place and nodded to the Archives Director, Jocasta Nu. She greeted him and continued down the rows of shelves to aid a young boy in need of assistance. Riv-Lyn turned back to Tezk, “Thank you. I am sure since you had instructed me as an apprentice, I will be able to train her to be a great Jedi as you did for me.”
The man smiled, “It should not be a problem, Riv-Lyn. You are an exceptional Jedi and I am sure by the time Pah-Rei reaches knighthood, she will be as good a Jedi as you. May the Force be with you, Riv-Lyn.”
“And with you, Tezk.” Riv-Lyn said. He turned and headed for the exit.

02-19-2003, 07:07 PM
Riv-Lyn Veers went to watch his future apprentice in combat. He had heard stories of her amazing abilities in combat. Yoda was awaiting him in a small chamber with twenty training remotes hovering about in various places. He bowed low to the meter high green creature, “Master Yoda.”
“Ahh, come to see your Padawan in combat have you?” Yoda asked.
Riv-Lyn nodded, “You said she was acquainted in the art of Form VII? Is that not also Master Windu’s fighting style?”
Yoda nodded, “Acquainted with all she is. Focus on few she must, not several.”
“I am partial to Forms III and IV myself, what style does she excel in?” Riv-Lyn asked. He looked up as the girl walked in escorted by Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yoda watched them as he responded, “Forms IV and V.”
Riv-Lyn was puzzled, “Why has she taken the time to learn all of these styles of the blade at such a young age? I am only familiar with three myself.”
Yoda looked up to the man he spoke to and whispered, “Prove her worthiness to us think I, hmm? To herself more importantly.”
The girl bowed to Obi-Wan with Anakin at his side as he left and then to Yoda and Riv-Lyn, “Master Yoda, Jedi Veers.”
Yoda saw her arrive and limped to her, “Ahh, arrive so soon have you young Wenpa?”
She nodded, “Yes, Master Yoda. I have come to ask of your permission to wear my combat attire. May I use it while in combat today?”
Yoda’s eyes narrowed, “Padawan not you are yet. Tunic wear you should.” He stopped and turned to Riv-Lyn, then back to Pah-Rei, smiled, and responded while laughing softly, “Wear them you may. Prove your skill to Jedi Veers you must.”
She smiled and bowed, “Thank you, Master Yoda. I intend to pass this test.”
She quickly pulled off her utility belt and threw it aside and next removed her gray tunic to reveal a form fitting, two piece black suit that stopped right above her belly and her pants were pulled up to the spot right below her belly button. It was tight enough so that it would not interfere with the intricate moves she was known to perform in the middle of combat. She pulled back her shoulder length brown hair into a simple bun that would keep her hair from blocking her view of her field of vision that would affect her battle performance.
Using the Force she pulled the newly reconstructed silver and black lightsaber hilt that was trimmed with a touch of gold colored alloy called electrum that she had once used to keep the crystals from destroying the hilt. She turned to Yoda and bowed for a third time since she had arrived, “I am ready to begin.”
“Correct you are. Three tests you must pass, young Wenpa to be Padawan of Riv-Lyn.”
She nodded and stood in the small starting position indicated by a small circle marked on the floor. Yoda looked at her battle posture and shook his head, “No young one. Ready position you must be in.”
She bit her lower lip from talking back to the meter-high Jedi, and responded, “Yes Master Yoda.” She spread her legs apart and raised the hilt of her weapon to her chest and awaited Yoda to release the gray, cylindrical training remotes that most students practiced with.
Once he did, she sprang into action by dropping into a defensive stance on one knee and ignited the yellow blade of her lightsaber. As she swung the humming blade, she felt the throbbing power of the custom built synthetic crystals’ power.
Two remotes began a steady orbit around her as the other eighteen remotes took different orbit levels and began to fire a steady amount of yellow blaster bolts at her. Without looking behind her, she began to deflect each bolt with such precision that the weapons fire came back to the remotes and disabled them. This process took no more than fifteen minutes, but she knew that that was the easy part of the test.
Her handy work left only the two others that unleashed an endless supply of weapons fire, but with the Force as her ally she was able to disable them within the remainder of the time she had. It only took her nineteen minutes, a record time for her. Once complete, she thumbed the activation switch to deactivate her weapon and watched as the yellow blade went back into the internal energy source stored in the middle of the hilt. Yoda nodded, “Done well have you, Force well used have you. Next test move onto you will.”
Beduch, a younger boy than Pah-Rei, but at the same skill level walked in and bowed before Yoda and Riv-Lyn and told Yoda, “Sorry Master Yoda. I had to help Padawan Anakin pick up a mess he made in Master Kenobi’s room.”
“Why in room were you we will discuss later. In time you are, along side Wenpa fight you will,” he told the young boy. He nodded and turned to see the beautiful Pah-Rei outfitted in her tight-fitted combat outfit. He took his place behind her and placed his shoulder blades against hers. Yoda instructed Pah-Rei wearily, “Ready position, young Wenpa.”
She bit her lip again after letting out a groan of frustration and did as told. Yoda nodded, “Fight as team you will against training remotes you will.”
They nodded to him and waited for the forty remotes to rise from their ready position. Once they did, the two young Jedi students sprang into action with blazing sabers. Beduch performed a cartwheel in the air as Pah-Rei blocked several bolts that would have hit Beduch because of his reckless, thoughtless move. She then dropped behind him onto a knee and began blocking all the bolts that came within saber’s length back to their origin.
Beduch was busy trying to perform more reckless moves under the instructions of Yoda before the Trial. Once he ran before the remotes with his guard down, Pah-Rei performed a forward roll and sprung out in front of him and blocked all of the yellow bolts. He fell to a drop stance, but was unable to block all of the remotes’ laser bolts. Pah-Rei bit down on her lip as she took two laser hits, but she let all of the breath she had stored in her lungs after hitting all of the remotes with their own ammunition. That was the last of them and she was the one to disable all forty of the droids on her own while trying to protect her fellow student. It took her thirty-eight minutes and gave her two minor burns that would not have proven fatal if the bolts were really dangerous.
She deactivated her lightsaber and wiped the sweat that began to form on her forehead. Yoda spoke to them both, “Combat against each other you will. Know the rules you do.”
Beduch walked casually to his starting circle, lightsaber on his belt. Yoda smiled and nodded as he watched as this time Pah-Rei took up the formal lightsaber ready position opposite of Beduch, “Well you do in position you take. Begin you may.”
Pah-Rei ignited the yellow blade of her lightsaber that was set for low power and threw it at Beduch as she began a forward roll. The young boy blocked it with his blue saber and stepped away from the circle. Pah-Rei then used the Force to bring her fallen weapon back to her palm after leaping over Beduch and his wide arcing saber swipes. She pushed her saber up quickly at the boy’s chest and singed it with ease. He parried the blow before it would simulate a fatal blow.
Pah-Rei was on offense; swinging her saber hard at all zones of her opponents body but soon found that his skills of parrying were to great. This went on for over half the test, but Pah-Rei soon gave up and eased her attacks.
She used all of her might to bring it upon the boy’s legs, but another block from the blue blade made a snapping hiss. Feeling their sabers lock as the power of the energy began to grow together, Pah-Rei’s sweaty hands were losing their grip of the weapon she held. Switching to the more powerful form V, she was able to push Beduch back from her.
After she was safe from any “danger”, Pah-Rei switched to form VII, spinning around toward Beduch while slashing her weapon on all sides. Beduch fell to the ground as the tip of Pah-Rei’s blade hit him hard on the back. It was over for him. Pah-Rei took the blade down onto his neck and left a minor burn that simulated sai cha, the Jedi word for the beheading of an opponent.
The battle seemed so fast, but in reality it took a good entire hour. Riv-Lyn watched as she completed this fatal blow and looked down to Yoda and whispered to him, “Her attacks a bit aggressive. But, she is exceptional in skill nonetheless.”
Pah-Rei wiped the sweat from her brow and bowed, “Thank you, Jedi Veers.”
He turned to face her and saw that her face, arms, and slim belly were glazed with sweat. He nodded, “And also have very adept skills in listening to conversations meters away. I wish there will be none of that in the future, young Padawan.”
Her eyes widened, “Padawan? You mean that I am your apprentice, Jedi… I mean, Master Veers?”
He nodded, “Yes, Pah-Rei. I am to be your instructor. Why do you not clean up and meet me in the Jedi Archives Library. I believe Master Yoda has already got a mission arranged for the two of us.”
She looked at Yoda as she let down her hair, “A mission? I cannot wait to tell Nei-Opo. Is he in the Library still?”
“No,” Riv-Lyn said, “He was just sent on an urgent mission to help us begin ours.”
She looked to her gear and with the use of the Force she gently set her lightsaber on the puddle of cloth that her clothes made on the floor, “Did Master Averon go with him?”
Riv-Lyn shook his head, “No, this is Nei-Opo’s first field assignment of his own. I am quite sure he will be back within the hour. Come young Padawan. We have preparations to make for our mission.”
Yoda watched as the girl picked up he clothes and run out of the door after bowing to him. Riv-Lyn followed at a slow, steady rate. Yoda turned to Beduch and his facial expression turned stern, “Talk we will about intrusion of Master Kenobi’s room.”

02-19-2003, 07:08 PM
As the Republic Cruiser, Radiant VIII, neared the fourth planet of the Hoth system, Riv-Lyn Veers walked into the cockpit of the ship and looked through the transparisteel cockpit port. The white orb grew larger and could be seen more clearly through the asteroid field that separated the fourth and fifth snowy worlds of the system of planets. Behind him he could sense a trouble spirited young girl walk up to his side and gaze at the view. Riv-Lyn did not even turn to Pah-Rei when he spoke, “Your emotions are clear, my young Padawan. What seems to be troubling you?”
She turned to the man and looked at him for a long moment, and then returned her gaze at Hoth IV. She sighed and threw herself into the seat behind the pilot, “I have had difficulty following your instructions for me.”
Riv-Lyn turned the seat behind the co-pilot and gently set himself in it, “What instructions would those be?”
She swiveled the chair to face Riv-Lyn, “It is just that I had spent over a year perfecting that lightsaber I had built! It was composed of some of the finest alloys ever, and the blade emitter and crystal chamber were made of electrum! Electrum has been forbidden to all classes behind me and any other Jedi except for the senior members of the Jedi High Council! Now look at the hilt!”
Riv-Lyn examined the golden colored substance and used his telekinetic ability to smooth out the lump in the surface that the fusion welder had caused. He looked it over and handed it back to the girl, “A finally constructed lightsaber, my young Padawan. Now calm down. You must learn to focus yourself on pure thoughts. Always remember anger is the start of the short-lived journey to the Darkside. But the results of that journey are for a life time.”
She looked back to the planet, which now filled the entire view of the cockpit port, “Yes, Master. I will try to remember…”
“No, Padawan,” Riv-Lyn interrupted her, “Do or do not. There is no such thing as try. Remember my advice or do not remember it. Do not try to remember it. Do I make myself clear on this?”
She looked back at his hazel eyes and nodded to him, “I will remember your advice. Fear leads to anger, that to hate, and that to a life time of pain and suffering.” The way she said that last phrase was monotone and sounded as she had read it straight from a holobook.
Riv-Lyn put his hand on her knee and squeezed it gently, “Very good. Now tell me, what instructions have you had trouble following?”
She hissed the loathed word through clenched teeth, “Meditation.” She turned to look out the port again as she spoke, “Master, I hate it…”
“Hate is not an emotion of a Jedi, young one,” Riv-Lyn interrupted her for a second time. He looked outside of the port with her, “You must learn to control your emotions, Padawan. Meditation is a part of a Jedi’s life that will help us control all of our emotions. Fear, anger, love, hate… these are emotions we are not to experience to their full extent. Our Code forbids it. Now do you see the purpose of meditation? It will keep you from taking the wrong path and it will strengthen your physical as well as mental abilities. And as I know, physical activity is one of your greater attributes.”
She thought about his words in her head for a long moment. She finally nodded her head, “I see, Master. Meditation would give us a greater advantage while on this mission?”
Riv-Lyn nodded his head, “Remember it will also hone your mental stamina, not just your physical attributes. Your emotions need more of your time to work on, not your physical ones.” He looked at the nearing planet and told Pah-Rei, “We will continue this conversation on a future date.” He turned to the blue uniformed captain of the cruiser and instructed him, “Captain, contact Governor Rafael Khan of The Wampa-Clan Trade Camp. Tell him we will arrive there as scheduled.”
The man nodded, “Yes, sir.” He flipped a switch and the view screen above the viewport came to life. An obese man wrapped in Wampa skin with a heavy beard was seen with the serene background of an indoor campfire with a group of people huddled around it. The Republic captain spoke to Governor Khan, “Governor, the Republic Ambassadors are to arrive on schedule and will arrive in an hour.”
The heavyset man shook his head, his large cheeks jiggled as he did so. The screen grew unclear with static. He spoke in a gruff voice that could hardly be heard over a sudden burst of static in the speaker system, “I am afraid ambassadors… impossible… for another… apologize for the…”
Pah-Rei watched intently as the man talked. The screen finally went dead and she turned to Riv-Lyn, “I can fix the ship’s sensors to get through the interference. May I assist with clearing the static from the message?”
The man nodded, “Of course, my Apprentice.”
Riv-Lyn escorted her into the communications room that was only a few paces away from the cockpit, which they had sat in. Pah-Rei licked her lips as she overlooked the intricate display controls. She nodded and said to herself, “I can do this.” With lightning fast movements she fixed the problem and then the small monitor flickered to life and the message they had just received. Khan spoke, “I am afraid ambassadors that any landing near our camp will be impossible. A large storm has hit us, larger than anything I’ve seen as governor here. This storm won’t be over for another week most likely. We hope that your diplomatic mission can be held off until then. If not, we apologize for the inconvenience. Khan out.”
Pah-Rei watched as the screen went black and slouched down into the chair she sat in. After grumbling for a moment, she bit her lower lip as she often did when frustrated. She turned to Riv-Lyn, “Now what are we supposed to do? There is not another camp for another days flight!”
“We improvise, Pah-Rei,” Riv-Lyn responded. He pulled on her brown robe gently, “Come, I have an idea.”
The two went back to the cockpit and watched the terrain as they flew over it. Riv-Lyn nodded, “Captain, land on that ridge over that ice lake. Wait until we have confirmed our arrival at our designated location, then you may take off.”
“Yes, sir.”
“What shall we do, Master?” Pah-Rei asked. Riv-Lyn pointed to a herd of bipedal creatures that were huddled in the mouth of a cavern. They were gray to white in fur and had a large tail that sprouted from behind its hind legs. They had a brown horn that curved up on each cheek placed right below their ears. The two Jedi could clearly see the breath shoot from their nostrils.
Pah-Rei did not need an explanation. She cocked a thin black eyebrow, “You have got to be kidding me! Those things are not even tamed! How are we going to even attempt to ride those things?”
Riv-Lyn looked to her, “I will do it my way. You can figure it out as a test of your skill. Come follow me, we have a long journey ahead of us on the tundra of this forsaken planet.”
She did not argue any further. The two retired to their shared quarters and pulled on a heavy blue parka that replaced their brown robes. After putting their rolled up robes into their backpack they pulled it onto their back, and covered it with a heavy hided saddle. After putting on yellow tinted goggles to protect their eyes from going blind from the glaring white snow, they wrapped scarves around their neck and headed for the exit to the ship.
Once the scarlet painted Republic Cruiser landed in the location instructed by Riv-Lyn, the two Jedi walked down the loading ramp and carefully made their way to the cavern using the gear that they got from their backpacks. Pah-Rei pulled up the heavy parka hood over her head and adjusted the goggles on her face to a comfortable fit. Riv-Lyn did the same, as they got closer to the wild beasts known as Tauntauns.
“Master,” Pah-Rei whispered, “How are we to get on those things?” She could smell the intoxicating fumes of the beast and plugged her nose with her fingers, “Uhh, yuck! They smell like…there is no real thing to describe it. They smell awful!”
She began to gag and wrapped the scarf around her nose, mouth, and chin. Riv-Lyn threw a saddle onto one of them and he hopped onto it with ease but every time Pah-Rei approached one it turned and ran away. She looked to her master, “How did you do that?”
Riv-Lyn looked down at her, “Concentrate on your goal, Pah-Rei. With your ability of the mind, you can turn any weak-minded being to do your will. Do as I instruct.”
She did as he told her to do. She closed her eyes and slowly took steps toward one of the beasts of burden and finally placed her finger tips gently on the creature’s soft, yet cold nose. She snapped open her eyes and stared into the beast’s big brown eyes as it stared into her cool gray eyes. She smiled, “Thank you, Master.” She got onto its back after throwing the heavy saddle onto it, and guided it to Riv-Lyn. She began to complain again, “I have never ridden a bipedal creature before, Master. I am unsure of how to move it.”
“You can handle it. Follow my lead. I am confident in your ability to do so.” He took out his comlink and instructed over it, “You are clear for take off, Radiant VIII. We will notify you when it is safe to set down closer to the mountain for our pickup.”
Pah-Rei and Riv-Lyn watched as it flew away and disappeared into the thick layer of clouds in the blue sky, leaving a visible trail of ion particles in the thin atmosphere. Riv-Lyn then put the comlink back in its proper place and turned to Pah-Rei, “We must get to the base before nightfall.”
She nodded, kicked the Tauntaun in the ribs, and held on tight to the reins as the creature took off. After it had nearly left her on the ground, she decided to grip the animal’s neck and hold on for her life. The horrid aroma of the beast reached her nostrils and she wanted to vomit. Scrunching her face up and looking to the sky for fresh air, she noticed that the clouds were darkening and shouted to her master who was several yards away, “Master, there is a storm approaching fast!”
Riv-Lyn looked back to her, “More reason to get moving faster than, young one!”
They took off at a fast pace as the Tauntauns’ long legs fell a whole yard in front of the other. Hours had passed before the two Jedi got to the base of a cliff face that extended vertically into the clouds for several kilometers. Pah-Rei looked up at the horrific journey that lay ahead, but was not overcome by the temptation to add another complaint to the long mental list of them she had already given to her master. She dismounted the fine steed and patted its thigh gently and watched as it ran off into a small cave. Riv-Lyn leapt off his own beast of burden and let it follow Pah-Rei’s Tauntaun.
Pah-Rei could not hold in her rage any longer, “How are we supposed to climb that? It must extend above the clouds!”
Riv-Lyn looked at the mountain for a moment and responded to her sternly, “Size matters not. The climb should take less than an hour. We can go up using our ascension guns.”
Pah-Rei looked at her boots ashamed that she could not contain her anger, “I apologize, Master. I am sure I have been quite an irritant. I will try… I mean I will not let this happen again.”
Riv-Lyn smiled through his scarf that was clinging thousands of snowflakes on its thick fabric, “I am sure you can do it, young Padawan.” He reached into his pocket of his parka and produced a silver cylindrical device in the palm of his heavy glove that covered his hand. He took careful aim at the cliff above and let a reinforced cable launch up at the rock face. Once he heard the satisfying thud of the grappling hook stick to bare rock, he pulled on it to make sure it was a taut line.
He looked to Pah-Rei and saw her do the same, “Use caution, Padawan. Black ice is sure to cover the majority of the surface. That storm is approaching quickly and the night will befall us soon.”
“I will make quick work of the climb,” she said and using her muscles began the long climb up the vertical rock face.
As the two ascended the mountain, the large storm was closing in on them. They were no more than a half-mile high when it did hit. It was as if all of the forces gravity of the galaxy was pulling at them from one side and a vacuum of space pulled at them from the already thin atmosphere. Pah-Rei clenched her teeth together to distract herself from the headache she was getting from the stressful winds as Riv-Lyn stopped to reassess their situation in his painful head. They had over two miles to go yet and they could not start down now.
Riv-Lyn nodded to the girl and shouted as hardening ice-snow slammed on his face from all directions, “Concentrate, Padawan. Focus on your goal of reaching the top!”
Her face was bleeding from the sleet, but she managed a nod, “Of course, Master. This is just a day in the life for me!”
Riv-Lyn looked back up to the clouds above and looked back to Pah-Rei, “Use all of your powers. If we get caught in this storm in the middle of the night, we will have to turn back!”
Pah-Rei managed a smile and cocked an eyebrow, “Me turning back? By the time you get to the summit, Master, I will have already got the Flaming Rancors in custody! No disrespect to you, Master!”
Riv-Lyn knew she was trying to reassure herself. He did not break her confidence, so he reassured her with his words of comfort, “I would not doubt you in your abilities! Let us go now, the storm is growing worse by the minute!”
The two Jedi continued to ascend the vertical cliff face as the blizzard threatened to take them like toy rag dolls and toss them to the icy surface below. If it were not for their connections with the Force, they would have been killed on the journey.
Hours passed. Pah-Rei Wenpa’s arms burned from using them to hold her body up on the rope. Riv-Lyn Veers looked to see how she was doing. He could see she was weakening. They had braved the large storm, but sacrificed an entire two hours of their valuable time. They had almost a full hour yet before night fell upon them however. Pah-Rei gritted her teeth together and concentrated on the cable she held.
Riv-Lyn soon saw a outcropping in the rock that would certainly hide a cave from an aerial view, but from where he was it was hard not to notice. Using his gloved hand, he pulled Pah-Rei up by the small of her back and onto his rope. He shouted to her over the howling of the wind, “There is a cave only meters away! I do not want you to freeze as you try to get to it! Hold onto me, I will get us there soon enough!”
Pah-Rei could feel the burning tears fill her eyes at yet another of her failures in front of her master. This was her most disappointing because she excelled in physical activity above all else. She wrapped her arms around Riv-Lyn and watched as they ascended higher and higher and until they were at the mouth of the cave. Pah-Rei could feel a severe heat burst from the mouth as she crawled in with the remaining amount of strength she had left in her.
She lay on the dirt that filled the cavern ground with her limbs spread out while gasping for air. Riv-Lyn followed her shortly after, rolled her over onto her back, and undid the fasteners that bound her parka shut. He removed it for the girl who could not even lift her arms to do it for herself. Riv-Lyn looked into her cool gray eyes and wiped the bloody sweat from her forehead and smiled, “Now do you see the importance of meditation, Padawan?”
She tried to nod, but resorted to answering with a simple, one word statement, “Yes.”
He patted her on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze, “Then perhaps before we make our next move, we use the time to meditate.”
“What?” she exclaimed. She took another deep breath, “Master, we have sacrificed enough time as it is!” She tried to get up, but it was futile. Riv-Lyn repeated his question and this time she managed a slight nod.
He smiled, “Good.” He turned to leave her, but she scrunched up her face in pain and called for Riv-Lyn, “Master, I can not sit up.”
He took a hold of her back and stomach and put her up against the rock wall and said, “Stay here until I am finished, Padawan.” She nodded and then closed her eyes and instantly fell in a trance and slowly, but surely, regained her Force powers. Riv-Lyn undid his parka and fell into the same trance; only his was deeper and more focused on his mental abilities.

03-06-2003, 02:24 PM
I've skimmed the first few lines and it looks promising. I'll get back to you when I've read some more. In the meantime, however, I'd advise you to remove your sig from all but the last post, in order to get a smoothly flowing text.

As the suns set

I never did get the point of settling on planets orbiting a dual star... Sure, the sunset may look nice, but you'd get scorched off the face of the planet. Besides I think that I've heard somewhere that most bi-systems don't have planets to settle on at all.

its repulsor-breaks let out invisible streams of force along with steam that slowed the massive cruiser’s descent.


the terrorist groups have managed to secure several proton charged nuclear warheads

If you will excuse me for being a Physics nerd, I don't think that you can let out "streams of force". And I suppose that you mean H-bombs in the last part?... Well, on viv da show.

03-07-2003, 04:23 PM
Well, this is SW universe, and Tatooine has 2 stars as suns, and as we have seen, it is quite settable. I am unsure how many suns Coruscant actually has. An answer would be nice for that.

I am not a Physics nerd, or knowledgable in that area at all. How could I describe the repulsor brakes or whatever you call them? Also, I have yet to hear the term "H-Bomb" used in any SW thing, so I'll stick with Riv-Lyn's technical term of a Proton Bomb....

Also, I removed my sigs. I didn't know you could do that...

03-10-2003, 06:02 AM
Originally posted by Katarn07
Well, this is SW universe, and Tatooine has 2 stars as suns, and as we have seen, it is quite settable. I am unsure how many suns Coruscant actually has. An answer would be nice for that.

Oh, I wasn't critizising you :p. I was just bitching about the SW universe.

Originally posted by Katarn07
I am not a Physics nerd, or knowledgable in that area at all. How could I describe the repulsor brakes or whatever you call them? Also, I have yet to hear the term "H-Bomb" used in any SW thing, so I'll stick with Riv-Lyn's technical term of a Proton Bomb....

Again, not critizising you... Just pointing stuff out.

I think George Lucas said at some point that Repulser systems were anti-grav engines, which are equally impossible at this day and age... H, or hydrogen (or fusion), bombs are pretty much dublicating the processes in the stars to devastating effect (you take a bunch of hydrogen and an atomic bomb, detonate the atomic, and whatch the show). I think that there have been H-bomb tests, but it has never been put to actual, military use. Peaceful uses are being investigated, at least on a theoretical level.

03-10-2003, 04:41 PM
So, how about this for the invisible force thing I wrote.

...its anti-grav systems activated and the repulsor systems on the belly of the ship slowed the massive cruiser's descent.

Also, I have no clue what a proton torpedo is in SW, but I know a proton bomb does the same amount of damage. I am still gonna stick to the 'proton' description. I'll use your info to mix it up a bit though.

"...the terrorist groups have managed to secure several hydrogen charged warheads they can use to construct proton bombs, weapons capable of taking out ???"

How big of an area can a nuke take out?

03-12-2003, 09:44 AM
Originally posted by Katarn07
...its anti-grav systems activated and the repulsor systems on the belly of the ship slowed the massive cruiser's descent.

Sounds great. I think I'd say "repulser units", to avoid using "systems" two times in a row, but that's up to you.

Originally posted by Katarn07
How big of an area can a nuke take out?

Depends on the size and quality of the bomb, topography of ground zero, and your criteria for 'taking out'. The energy released by a nuclear bomb is measured in MT TNT (so a 15 ton nuke (like the one that struck Hieroshima) releases energy comparable to the detonation of 15 MT of TNT). For purposes of comparison 500kg (1/2000th of a MT) of TNT can send the gun turret of a Tiger Tank above the altitude of low-hanging clouds.

I have the following stats on the Hiroshima (from this site (http://www.csi.ad.jp/ABOMB/), more specifically this subsection (http://www.csi.ad.jp/ABOMB/data.html).

In a radius of about 500m from ground zero most concrete houses were blasted from the face of the earth by the intense pressure generated in the detonation. Within 1.6km from ground zero, no brick building was left standing.

Clothes were burnt off the bodies of everyone within 2km of ground zero by the heat.

Add to that the radiation:

Few survived for more than a few hours within 100m of ground zero (and that's of those that weren't killed by the blast or heat).

Most people that were within 800m of ground zero died within the month. The same area was so heavily irradiated that most of those who entered within four days of the detonation were severely affected by the radiation.

Now that was a crudely constructed 15MT fission bomb, poorly detonated, and in an area with a topography that minimized the area of effect.

I don't have any stats of fusion bombs, but they are set off by the detonation of a fission bomb many times the size of the Hiroshima bomb. It would probably be fair to assume that nothing within a two-kilometer radius (at least) of such a blast would survive. And that's today's bombs. Given the techlevel of the SW universe...

Hope that at least some of this helps... Cheers, Templar.

Pah-Rei switched to form VII, spinning around toward Beduch while slashing her weapon on all sides.

Form VII=Blue-Spamming?

I just finished it. I like it. I am especially impressed with the way you did that staticced radio message. It made me imagine all kinds of nasty things going on (false embassadors, enemies scrambling the signal, ect).

03-12-2003, 05:12 PM
Thanks for the feedback. I thought of units later on and never thought of editing. I will change that after this post, along with the other line. I'll say 3 kilometer radius for two reasons

SW is more advanced and the terrorists are not wealthy in any way to afford more powerful weapons...

Also, are you seriously confused about Form VII as a lightsaber style? Should I go in more depth about that (I have an Insider full of the 7 forms and the words for injuries (I used one above...)

I have a few more chapters I will post soon.

03-14-2003, 04:51 PM
By the time Pah-Rei Wenpa awoke, the sun of Hoth had set and nightfall had settled the planet. If it were not because the two sat in the exhaust vent of the heating system, they would have froze stiff from the cold. She looked to her master, Riv-Lyn Veers, and by the deep trance he was in she could tell that his meditation period was far from over. Slowly she rose to her feet and looked down the darkened cavern that led deeper into the Flaming Rancor base.
She undid her belt to her tunic and threw it to the ground and slowly pulled apart her tunic. After throwing it to the dirt ground, she smoothed out a crease in her combat attire top and used the Force to pull her lightsaber off her belt that lay on the ground and into the palm of her hand. After knotting her hair into her combat bun, she slowly made her way through the dark, natural corridor. With the hilt of her blade clipped on her thin custom combat belt, she felt along the wall to find her way through the cave. She could see a light source ahead, so she decided to slow to a tiptoeing pace.
Once in an open cavern full of ground infested stalagmites and ceiling infested stalactites with an artificial light source illuminating the entire room, she stopped to survey at the sight in awe. Across from her was a large door that was several shades of gray and silver with an emblem of a bipedal beast with flames protruding from its back on it. She swallowed hard as she neared the door, not breaking her gaze at the emblem of the Flaming Rancors. Once she arrived before the massive door, she realized there were no access controls to open it. She looked around her to find a switch, a button, or anything that would unseal the door that led to the base.
As she searched, she grew wearily cold. The tiny hairs on her neck and arms raised as the chill grew to a heavy coldness. It was a sign of danger. She turned her head left and then right, but she was the only person in the room. She looked back to the door and ran her open palmed hand along the cold metal that it was composed of. An extremely loud sound erupted behind her, forcing her to spin to see that the heat vent had opened allowing a much stronger gust of air to exit the base.
Swallowing hard and trying to steady her trembling body, she turned to examine the door further. If it were not for the loud sound of the heat exiting the vent, she would have been able to hear the metal clicking against rock that was approaching her. Completely perplexed by the door, she did not realize she was not alone in the room until a croaking, robotic voice sounded, “Halt! State your presence here.”
She slowly turned to see an entire regiment of eighty red-shouldered security battle droids led by a single yellow-headed officer. She swallowed hard and backed up against the door, trying to think of a possible solution as to get out of there alive. She had never faced off this many opponents on her own, but she knew that a solution would present itself. She could feel a lump rise in her throat as she realized she did not have one, and there was no way she could win by fighting.
The yellow colored officer trained its blaster rifle on Pah-Rei Wenpa's head and repeated himself and Pah-Rei finally let words out of her mouth, “I am here to negotiate with your master. I am a high officer of the Black Sun and am willing to supply him with more Destroyer Droids.”
The officer’s head went down as it computed her explanation and slowly said, “Negotiations… does not compute, you’re under arrest!”
She ducked a shower of red blaster bolts slammed into the blast door she stood up against and ripped her lightsaber from her belt. So much for her being taken alive. As more and more droids took aim at her, she realized she was outnumbered and the chances of her survival, even with the Force as her ally, were grim. Still, she would not die in the hands of this terrorist group without a fight.
Thumbing the black activator switch on the upper part of the hilt of her lightsaber, she dived from the countless amount of blaster bolts that slammed into the cave wall that was behind where she stood. Relying on her physical skill to run from the attacks, she relied on the Force to guide the yellow blade of her lightsaber to deflect the laser bolts back to their origin.
“Kill her!” the officer yelled to its troops as it fired two more bolts at her before she returned them straight back into it, separating its head from the neck with molten orange metal at the ends of each piece.
“Roger, roger!” the droids said mindlessly to the now heap of metal that was once their commanding officer. Pah-Rei surveyed her surroundings to find an environmental factor that would aid in her fight. As she swung the blade in a flashing blur of yellow in order to deflect any blaster bolts that threatened to take her life, she noticed a large heap of rocks that had fallen from the ceiling in the corner.
She backed up further and further, but realized she was soon going to back into a wall. Summoning all of her powers of the Force, she leapt up and placed her two feet on the wall and began to run across the vertical surface for several meters. Performing a cartwheel off of it, she threw her weapon at the droids whose backs were still turned to the direction she had stood just seconds ago. Guiding the blade in a wide arc with her telekinetic Force powers, she saw that it separated over twenty of them by the waist before it returned to the palm of her hand.
By this time, her powers were dwindling and she barely had any strength in her left to continue her resistance. Out of breath, she decided to finish as many droids off as she could. Ducking further laser bolts and performing a forward roll away from yet even more blaster bolts, she found herself trapped between another wall and the fire from the droids. Using her Force powers to do a triple summersault in the air above them while jabbing down at them at point blank range, she managed to score a half dozen more droids. When she landed, she observed there were only forty more left, but she was on the brink of collapsing.
Now was her time to attempt a finishing move. Lowering her blade, which she held loosely in her left hand, she moved the rocks in the corner mentally with the guidance of an open palmed right hand into a mass of droids that were closing in on her. She scored twenty more and left only twenty droids standing. Gritting her teeth together, she realized she could no longer even stand.
Landing into a crouching position with her weapon raised up, she continued to deflect most of the bolts that came to her back to the droids. There was no longer even time to count the droids. Survival was the only thing on her mind. It still was not enough. A lucky shot from one of the droids caught her in the thigh and she let go of her lightsaber to clutch the burn forming on her leg.
Through squinting eyes and forming tears, Pah-Rei saw a sudden burst of orange light that flashed endlessly against all of the red bolts until the last droid collapsed into a pile of useless metal and wires. Gasping for air that she had lost during combat, she saw Riv-Lyn let the orange blade of his lightsaber back into its black and silver colored hilt. He put it back onto his belt and crouched down beside her and began sternly reprimanding her, “Just what do you think you were doing? You almost got yourself killed! Did I not tell you to stay by me until I was finished?”
She began to cry softly partly because of her wound, but more over because of the scolding from her master. She could not blame him, however, because she had heard about the fall of his previous Padawan Apprentice, Que-Von Towlki. She whimpered, “I am sorry, Master. I will not do it again, I promise I will never disobey your orders again.”
He shot her a look of authority, “You better not! Just what did you think you were going to accomplish on your own?”
She turned away from him, “I do not know. I am sorry, Master.”
Riv-Lyn was not satisfied with that answer, “That does not change the fact of the matter that I almost lost another apprentice! Does it? No, I did not think you thought so either!”
She did not even look at him. She was ashamed of herself. She felt his hands touch her leg and slowly touch the burn. She cringed at the feeling of flesh touching her wound and hissed through clenched teeth, “That hurts!”
He ripped the black fabric of her pants open and reached behind him on his belt for his medical kit and took out the contents. Pah-Rei observed this with her cool gray eyes and wiped the tears growing in them away with the back of her hand. The white medical powders and salt poured over the bloody opening in her leg and she recoiled even further back, “Why can you not just use the Force on it?”
Riv-Lyn looked at her sternly, “Because, young Padawan, we use the Force for knowledge and defense and as a last resort, medical attention and mind tricks. We are supplied with medical kits to use them and not resort to using the Force for our every need. Do I make my self clear?”
She swallowed hard and nodded as he continued to treat her burn. After Riv-Lyn was completed, he brushed excess powder off of her clean shaven leg and handed her robes and gear to her saying in a calm voice, “Not all Jedi are perfect, Pah-Rei. Our emotions get the best of us, just as I just yelled at you. I apologize for doing so, but remember that I did it because I care for you. You are twelve years old, almost thirteen. I would think of you then as a mature adult.”
Pah-Rei grabbed a hold of her lightsaber that lain several feet away and interrupted Riv-Lyn, “But if I keep up foolish misdeeds like this up, you will lose your respect for me and we could not continue our relationship together as friends. Yes, Master, I understand. Nei-Opo has quoted many of Master Averon’s lectures to me before.”
The man got to his feet and offered her his hand. She grabbed a hold of it and he pulled her to her feet. She put on her robes and took note aloud, “I see that they have shut off the heat now that we are finished here. They must be monitoring our progress, is that a logical assumption, Master?”
Riv-Lyn looked around the room, “You are correct. That door is hiding something more than just a room to their base.”
Pah-Rei looked over to it to see that a blast door sealed it, “That was not there earlier. I do not believe we can cut through it now, do you?”
Riv-Lyn shook his head, “There are several layers of durasteel blocking our path. Four blast doors sealed that entrance when I arrived.”
Pah-Rei frowned, “Then perhaps we should find the controls. I have felt along that wall, but I can not seem to…”
“Here it is, Padawan,” Riv-Lyn said pushing off the pointed tip of a false stalagmite and pointing to a blue holographic computer monitor, “Feel. Do not think. If you use the Force properly, all things are possible.”
Pah-Rei observed as a series of menus popped up until a code was required to continue. She bit on her lower lip, restraining herself from swearing aloud and then turned to her master, “That door requires a confirmation code. We need to…”
She trailed off as she picked up the severed yellow trimmed head of the Battle Droid Officer and pried off the panel that accessed its command storage in the top of its face, just above its eyes. Mumbling words to herself, she finally ripped out the code-processing node with a trail of wires connecting it to its head. She tried ripping it out, but could not. She looked to Riv-Lyn, “I could use a little help here.”
Riv-Lyn took out his lightsaber, let out its orange blade, and with quick precision he sliced the wires without leaving a single jagged edge. He put it away as he watched his apprentice speedily rip apart the piece of machinery and smile as she exclaimed, “Got it! The code is GA-7687!”
Riv-Lyn punched in the Aurebesh labeled touch screen buttons and a third menu popped up with the option to unseal all entry doors. He punched in the button and the two turned to see all five of the doors lift up to reveal an empty room filled with computer counsels and ten doors on the opposite wall. Slowly with great caution, the two walked in and looked around.
Splitting up in order to find the droid controlling counsel, the two each discovered that most of the systems were nonfunctioning or being routed there from another location. Pah-Rei was completely baffled when she saw that the droids were supposedly inactive and had been for several hours. “Master,” she called to Riv-Lyn, “I have located the desired controls, but look at it.”
After a moment for examination, Riv-Lyn felt the hair on his neck and arms slowly rise signaling danger was near by. Pah-Rei felt the same thing and after the two witnessed the blast doors seal off the entry they had just gone through. She whispered, “I have a bad feeling about this.”
Riv-Lyn nodded, “I feel something more than just danger. It is quite odd. It is a presence of somebody, but for the life of me I cannot remember whom. It is as if all of my thoughts are being clouded by something…” He felt his stomach drop and he reached into his pocket.
Pah-Rei watched as Riv-Lyn urgently pulled out his comlink and spoke into it, “Radiant VIII, this is Jedi Master Veers, it is urgent that you boost my communications signal to Coruscant’s Jedi Temple.”
Pah-Rei pondered his actions, but when she could not think of what was so urgent. She asked, “What is wrong, Master?”
Riv-Lyn waved his hand at her to hush her up as the captain responded, “Of course, honored Jedi.”
Yoda’s voice sounded over the device’s speakers, “Ahh, contact us soon do you Master Riv-Lyn. Troubles have you?”
“Yes, Master,” Riv-Lyn frantically said; “We need immediate help. Send any available Jedi to assist us. There is not enough time to explain. May the Force be with you.”
“Jedi being sent they are, Master Riv-Lyn. Debrief me you will later. May the Force be with you.”
Riv-Lyn shut off the communicator and nodded while reassuring himself, “I know it is, Master Yoda. We are going to need it now more than ever.”
“Master,” Pah-Rei started again, “Why do we need more Jedi here? We are perfectly capable of handling the droids ourselves…”
Before she could finish her sentence nine of the ten doors, excluding the blast door sealed one, opened to reveal a massive line of Battle Droids, each one with its blaster drawn to its chest. Pah-Rei swallowed hard while removing her saber from her belt, “I have a very bad feeling about this.”

03-14-2003, 04:52 PM
Just as the words rolled off of Pah-Rei Wenpa’s tongue, the droids marched forward with the ominous noise of the clattering of their metal feet against the metal deck plates covering the room’s floor. Riv-Lyn Veers took out his lightsaber hilt as well as he pulled Pah-Rei slowly back behind the largest counsel in the room. He instructed her, “Stay right here until I instruct you otherwise.”
She nodded, “Of course, Master.”
Each line of droids contained twenty robotic soldiers, totaling the Jedi’s opposition to a large sum of one hundred eighty droids. Riv-Lyn backed up to stand next to his apprentice as they watched in awe as they lined up before them. After all of the red-shouldered security bots had lined up, the nine doors shut behind them with the added protection of a blast door for each. In an instant, each droids gun was trained steadily on both of the Jedi, ready to pull the triggers on the first ones that moved.
Pah-Rei observed grimly, “I see that we are outnumbered. Would you not confer with me, Master?”
The skeleton-like droids squeezed the triggers of their oversized blasters right before the Jedi took cover behind the control counsel, unleashing a sheet of hot lethal energy out to the opposite side of the room. Riv-Lyn thumbed the activation switch to his lightsaber and began to deflect any bolts that endangered him or his Padawan. Pah-Rei did the same as they both ducked behind the counsel and observed aloud, “Why do they not close in on us and destroy us? They are just standing there!”
“I see that whoever gives them their orders has learned their lesson about battle tactics in a battle with lightsaber wielding Jedi and mindless Battle Droids!” Riv-Lyn shouted over the sounds of deafening blaster discharges. Pah-Rei nodded and looked at the diagonally surfaced display of the counsel they were behind. It had control over the doors of the base and was fully operational; only it was being routed from another location. Confused, she asked her master a question, “Master, I have noticed that all controls in this room are being routed from another location. If this is indeed the control room, why would all of the commands be being sent here from another location?”
Riv-Lyn blocked a single bolt that came dangerously close to his head, “This is not the true control room, Padawan! Obviously, they were expecting our arrival! Can you try to open up that last door on our far left using this counsel?”
Pah-Rei skimmed the Aurebesh commands and then nodded, “I believe so! Yes, but I am quite sure that the real control room will try to block out my access!”
“Do it any ways! We will stand a better chance in whatever is in that room than in here!”
Pah-Rei did not argue. She began to punch in several keys while Riv-Lyn blocked every bolt that came within saber’s reach. Pah-Rei exclaimed, “I did it!”
Riv-Lyn continued to cover her while shouting to her and pointed to the opening tenth door with a finger, “Go! I will be right behind you!”
With the assistance of the Force, Pah-Rei took off at a super fast rate of over twenty miles per hour. She ran through the door and moments later, Riv-Lyn stopped behind her. The door closed right after he entered the long natural corridor they stood in. Pah-Rei, out of breath, leaned up against the wall and listened to the droid’s words, “They have evaded our attacks. We will return to the main hangar.”
Riv-Lyn listened as the metal against metal of their footsteps faded away as the droids exited the false control room. Pah-Rei looked to him, “Where do we go now?”
After checking the door’s controls that they had just come through, he pointed down the cavern, “Down this cavern. We have been sealed off; fortunately, there is no where to go from that room but here anyways.”
Pah-Rei nodded and began following her master at a rather fast pace, “I see. Master, may I ask why you asked for more Jedi. We got interrupted last time I tried…”
Just as she said this, the buzzing of engines outside of the mountain base’s caves made them stop dead in their tracks. Her eyes widened, “What is that?”
Riv-Lyn pulled Pah-Rei along as he began to run faster. He pulled out his comlink and thumbed the switch, “This is Jedi Master Veers to Radiant VIII. You must leave orbit around the planet! You are in grave danger!”
“My scanners are not picking up… Wait! Pull up!” a burst of static sounded. Riv-Lyn did not stop his near sprint, “Radiant VIII, respond! Radiant VIII?”
Pah-Rei halted. Riv-Lyn slowed to a walk and turned to her. She swallowed hard as she began to walk again, “Master. I am very, very cold.”
“As I am as well, young Padawan. You are aware as the same danger that I feel. Be conscious of those feelings; they are the ones that will save your life in combat and even warn you of the upcoming danger.”
She nodded and looked up once she heard the sound of flowing water. She picked up her pace as Riv-Lyn pulled her along. He turned back to her, “Hurry, Pah-Rei. We must disable this base before the other Jedi arrive, or else they will experience the same fate as the Radiant VIII has.”
She nodded and began to run at a near sprint alongside of Riv-Lyn, “Of course, Master. I am out of breath. I apologize.”
“Quite alright. It is understandable after what we have been through.”
As they made their way down the slightly declining, twisting cavern corridor, the sound of the water current grew louder. Pah-Rei finally got to ask her question, “Master, why did you send for more Jedi? Is it the dark presence that is upsetting you?”
He nodded, “Yes, young one. I am unclear as to what it is, but I can feel it is clouding my powers. If you were as attuned to the Force as I, you would be able to sense it right now.”
She furrowed her brow, “I felt it earlier right before I was attacked by the security patrol. I could swear I heard a murmur; a whisper that was saying something, but it was to quiet for me to understand. I figured it was just the wind outside.” She stopped once again and her face lost all color. He turned to her and motioned her to follow him, “Come, Padawan.”
She looked at him with her gray eyes and continued to walk. Her stomach knotted as she spoke in a hardly audible whisper, “Master, do you believe that the other Sith Lord from the Naboo crisis is here?”
Riv-Lyn grabbed onto her robes as she almost walked right into the blue water flowing out of an opening in the mountain that lay around a corner they rounded. She gulped and wiped the sweat that had appeared on her forehead after coming so close to death in the cave’s river. She turned to her master and managed a nod of thankfulness.
Riv-Lyn sat on a rock that was up against the wall as Pah-Rei took a seat opposite of him. He nodded and said, “It is a possibility that the dark tremor is the other Sith Lord. I felt its presence while meditating. It is a creature so dark that it disconnected me with my meditation. It was odd because not even Master Yoda could break my mental connection to the Force like this. It would have had to be trained well in the dark arts of the Sith Ways. Or known my weaknesses.”
Pah-Rei nodded and said wearily, “Master, I know I am not supposed to be afraid, but I am. I am very afraid. This mission is a lot more dangerous than I had anticipated. If the Sith Lord is here, we are in a lot of trouble. Now with the Radiant VIII destroyed, there is no probable way to return home.”
Riv-Lyn looked down to her, “I overheard that last security patrol report that they were returning to the hangar. That will be our next objective to find after we destroy the droid control unit. Anyhow, we should really get moving. We are running out of time; the Dark Plague should arrive tomorrow night.”
She nodded and looked at the blue river running through the cave tunnel. She furrowed her brow and turned to Riv-Lyn, “Why is the water blue? It is indoors; the sky is not being reflected off of it.”
Riv-Lyn to was puzzled by the mystery and turned to Pah-Rei, “It is obviously hiding something of great importance. Do you concur?”
Her eyes widened as she stood up, “The control room?”
He nodded, “That is my guess also. Prepare for a swim against that current. If you lose your grip, Padawan…”
Pah-Rei sat back down, “I really do not have the strength. Why can we not use our ascension guns? These rocks can serve as anchors for the line…”
Riv-Lyn took out his ascension gun, “There is only room for one line. Stay here and rest. I will go first to scout out the area. Once I return, then you may follow.”
She nodded and watched as the man put the A-99 Aquata Breather in his mouth. After he fired the gun’s grappling hook into the blue river current and anchoring the taut cable to the rock Pah-Rei sat on, he walked into the water and began his way to the bottom. Once he had disappeared, Pah-Rei found herself doing the one thing she detested most: meditating.
This time, she heeded Riv-Lyn’s advice and began to focus all of her mental abilities with her physical, fusing them together as one force. She had never done this before and it was so overwhelming, she could actually felt the power begin to surge throughout her body. It was an intense experience, but a pleasant one. At least she thought it was up to the last few chilling moments of her session.
Everything went black in her mind. All of her Force abilities were cut off from her meditation link and she could hear the sinister voice that she thought she had heard earlier. It was a deep, bellowing voice that made her hair all over her body rise on their ends. She swallowed hard as it began to talk to her.
It spoke, “You will give into your emotions. You will give into your angers and fears, your hates and every temptation that crosses your life’s journey. You will join me, and together can acquire any possessions we wish for! Come, with your powers combined with mine, we will be able to turn any others that wish to join us and rule the entire galaxy! I know deep within you no matter how hard you deny it, there is that dark past that is beginning to surface again in your life, as your Force powers grow stronger and more powerful! You may not remember it, but I know that it will be your start down the dark path! I know so very well!”
It laughed aloud and Pah-Rei’s eyes snapped open. She was gasping for air once she awoke and was calmed by the Force powers slowly restarting their journey through her body. Wiping the cold sweat from her face and wiping off the sweaty palms on her robes, she arose with trembling knees to see Riv-Lyn’s head poke out of the water. She gasped at his startling appearance but then sighed when she realized who it was. He looked up to her, “What is it?”
She felt tears form in her eyes and she wiped them away as she spoke, “It spoke to me! Master, the dark presence began to speak to me while meditating.”
Concerned for her, Riv-Lyn climbed out of the flowing river and took the girl in his arms as he spoke, “What did it say to you?”
She slowly pushed him away and looked into his hazel eyes, “He told me to join him. He said that my past was going to take me down the dark path and together he and I would rule the galaxy.” She looked to her feet and began to cry.
Riv-Lyn put his left hand on her shoulder and took his right hand and lifted her head up by the chin. Her gray eyes were sleeker than ever with the tears making them lustrously beautiful. He spoke gently to her, “I know that you would never turn to the Darkside, Pah-Rei. Your abilities in the Force will never let you fail as a Jedi.” He wiped away her tears and pushed the brown locks of hair out of her face that had fallen there. He smiled at her, “Did I hear you correctly? You meditated without me telling you to?”
She could not help to smile. She nodded, “I even focused on my mental abilities. I have never felt so ready for anything in my life.”
He smiled at her. She then looked back to her feet, “And I felt them being overpowered once the dark one began to talk to me.”
He lifted her head back up as he said to her, “As did I, but it lasts for such a short period of time that we do not even have to worry about that. Come on, I found an air lock below the water. That must lead to the control room.”
She found her A-99 Aquata breather in one of the many pockets in her dark brown robes and placed the white mouthpiece in her mouth and followed Riv-Lyn into the water current. The water was cold against her skin as it entered the rip on her pants that Riv-Lyn had made earlier and made the black pants she wore cling to her legs. Gripping the heavy-duty line with clenched fists, Pah-Rei was able to make short work of the journey to the durasteel door on the river’s surface.
Riv-Lyn passed his hand over the controls and the two entered the small chamber that would soon drain of all water. After the door closed behind her, a red light lit up that was placed on the ceiling and the blue water slowly receded down through a drain located on the center of the floor. Once it was down to their ankles, the two took out their mouthpieces and placed them back into the proper pocket.
“We will enter now, Padawan. I am sure there will be resistance from the base’s crew, so be prepared for combat.”
“Yes, Master,” Pah-Rei responded as she removed the hilt of her lightsaber from her belt. Riv-Lyn once again passed his hand over the controls, this time opening the door that led to the suspected control room. Pah-Rei was astounded when she saw the massive control room. The lights were dimmed and the room was empty. All of the counsels were on with the blue text on the counsel illuminating the room slightly.
Riv-Lyn’s brow furrowed, “I am curious as to where the base crew went.”
Pah-Rei looked down to the computer counsel that was in front of her and responded while reading the display text, “They probably fled after they realized we got passed their security patrols. I have located the droid control unit, Master. This confirms that the droids are online and have been for over a week.”
She felt his wet robes rub against hers as he spoke, “I will let you disable them. I will locate a layout of the base for future reference.”
She nodded to him as he walked away, “The droids are disabled, Master. I will attempt to reprogram the security protocols so that they will not attempt to reactivate them from another location…”
“How ingenious of you, young one. It will not do you any good, however.”
Pah-Rei recognized the sinister voice as to the one that belonged to the dark being that she and her master had sensed earlier. She pulled out her lightsaber hilt but awaited Riv-Lyn’s approval to activate it. Riv-Lyn turned and his jaw dropped down in amazement as he saw the seven-foot tall, black furred Wookie that was dressed in a brown, synthetic leather combat suit. The alien species turned his blue eyes to Riv-Lyn and it formed a smile and said, “If it is not my good friend Riv-Lyn Veers. It has been a long time, has it not?”

03-14-2003, 04:53 PM
Pah-Rei Wenpa diverted her gaze from the Wookie who stood in the doorway of a lift tube to her master, Riv-Lyn Veers. She furrowed her brow in confusion and dropped down her jaw about to ask whom the alien being indigenous to the forest planet Kashyyyk was. He cut her off though and acknowledged the Wookie, “Que-Von Towlki. Yes it has indeed been a long time. I believe the last time we were together was on Ord Mantel, nearly two years ago.”
The Wookie known as Que-Von Towlki curved his lips into a smile again and laughed aloud, “Ahh. You still amuse me, Riv-Lyn. You very well know that I meant to kill you during that battle and was not intended as a farewell.” He turned to Pah-Rei and walked up to her. She felt her knees go weak and her stomach knotted several times. She grew queasy, her face developed a cold sweat, but she was able to maintain a posture of complete confidence. Que-Von towered over her and he smiled at her as he spoke to Riv-Lyn, “I see you have chosen another Padawan. You have made a very unwise choice because you will fail her as you did me. She will come with me and you will die. It is that simple, Riv-Lyn.”
Riv-Lyn managed a smile after licking his dry lips with his tongue, “No, Que-Von. She has learned much more than you ever did. You see, your entire life was full of greed and focused on the acquisition of possessions and desired power. Her goals are at a much higher standard of becoming a Jedi Knight and the protection of others who are in need.”
Que-Von could not help yet another burst of laughter, “My goals were to take control of the galaxy! You think her goals are higher than mine? No, no Riv-Lyn. You cannot feel the darkness within her? Her future must be clouded to your weak perceptions then. But my powers are much more powerful, Riv-Lyn. She will join me just as you will die. I have foreseen all of this!”
Pah-Rei spoke up to the Wookie, “I will never join you! You would have to kill me before I fall to the Darkside!”
Que-Von shook his head as if disappointed and turned his back on her. In a quick motion he spun around and slashed her arm with his razor sharp claws, ripping her sleeve and turning the gray tunic’s sleeve red. She screamed aloud as she fell to her knees, clutching the wound intensely. She heard her lightsaber fall to the metal deck with a clatter. That was not the end of his attack, however. From his fingertips came bolts of blue electric Force lightning and Pah-Rei screamed louder than before as it wrapped around her body, draining all of her body’s energy.
Riv-Lyn removed the lightsaber from his belt and approached his Padawan and her attacker, “Step away from her, Que-Von!”
Pah-Rei squinted her eyes trying to focus her vision from the growing blur of tears in her eyes. Que-Von’s back was turned after he finished his attack and she Force pulled her weapon to her palm and sprung to her feet. With lightning fast actions, the yellow blade of her lightsaber shot out from her hilt and it fell upon where Que-Von stood.
A purple blade deflected it, and Pah-Rei saw it came from Que-Von’s lightsaber housed on a silver colored gauntlet he wore on his right wrist. Upon further examination, she realized the one on his left wrist housed a hilt as well. Their sabers locked in a surge of energy produced by the only known drawback of synthetic crystals.
Pah-Rei struggled to keep her blade at least parallel to the floor, but Que-Von was too strong for her. He pushed her blade away from him and toward to Riv-Lyn. His second lightsaber blade came out and he charged at Riv-Lyn who thumbed his weapon, letting up an orange blade of energy. Deflecting both purple blades was a difficult task, but Riv-Lyn was able to do so. With the help of the Force, he was also able to push the Wookie back into a computer counsel.
Pah-Rei charged toward Que-Von in the Form VII lightsaber style, letting out quick and powerful attacks upon the Dark Jedi, but each one was successfully parried and even counter attacked. She did not give up though. Clenching her teeth together, she leapt up onto a counsel and shoved her saber blade into the command interface. A shower of sparks followed by billowing black smoke poured from the molten hole, distracting Que-Von long enough for her to get back into the battle.
Riv-Lyn spoke to her, “We must fight as one force to win this battle, Pah-Rei!”
The Wookie blocked each attack from both of the Jedi and showed his sharpened teeth at the two, “You fight well together, but you are no match for me! The Darkside is stronger, surely you two must be able to fathom this!”
Riv-Lyn pushed back another attack let out from Que-Von, “You over estimate your skill! I defeated you last time, Que-Von. I will kill you this time if necessary!”
Pah-Rei got her blade locked with Que-Von’s right blade again and tightened her grasp around the sweaty hilt of her weapon as she switched to the slower, but more powerful Form V. She began to push the purple blade further away from her, but an open palmed Force push let out from Que-Von sent her flying backward into a computer counsel.
She felt a sharp stinging pain on the back of her head as it collided with the metal counsel and could feel that her head was getting warmer from the spreading blood trickling from her wound. She attempted to get up, but the pain was too strong. She felt her Force powers slowly dissolve into oblivion as she watched the battle between her master and his former Padawan rage on. She could see Riv-Lyn’s connection to the Force was also severed because he was hardly able to block each thrust that Que-Von performed in a never before seen style of combat. Every attack he performed, the Wookie counter attacked. Riv-Lyn was losing and all three of the Force wielders knew it.
The Wookie and his former master flipped over a command counsel and it exploded into a glittering ball of sparks and dull smoke began to arise. Pah-Rei could hear a groan for a moment and then a thud on the floor, followed by the clattering of a metal object hitting metal. The rising smoke blocked her view from the two, but after it cleared she was more than appalled by the sight of the lone figure of Que-Von and the motionless body of Riv-Lyn beneath his two glowing blades.
He began to laugh aloud and extinguished his purple lightsaber blades. He turned on the heel of his leather boot and headed toward her. Pah-Rei struggled to get to her feet, but her vision began to blur and soon everything went black.

03-24-2003, 12:05 PM
Mumbling words to herself, she finally ripped out the code-processing node with a trail of wires connecting it to its head. She tried ripping it out, but could not.

I'm probably just being pricky here, buut... I thought I'd let you know. I suspect that it's supposed to read ripping it apart, but it's a bit confusing for a first-time reader of your story.

I didn't quite realize that they the cave was the entrance to a base, before it was pointed out. Nor did I realise that the Flaming Rancors were baddies. Am I just dense?

03-24-2003, 10:07 PM
Originally posted by ShadowTemplar
I'm probably just being pricky here, buut... I thought I'd let you know. I suspect that it's supposed to read ripping it apart, but it's a bit confusing for a first-time reader of your story.

I didn't quite realize that they the cave was the entrance to a base, before it was pointed out. Nor did I realise that the Flaming Rancors were baddies. Am I just dense?

She is trying to rip the wires apart, yes. So thank you, I'll correct that.

And I hinted they were baddies. They were the ones to supply the warheads to that planet and in turn got it from Black Sun....

The cave is just a vent, but they used it as an enterance. I don't know. I'll elaborate, I think. Later...

03-27-2003, 06:23 AM
And I hinted they were baddies. They were the ones to supply the warheads to that planet and in turn got it from Black Sun....

Ok, I just was thick. (Note to self: Don't read stories piecemeal over several weeks...)

03-27-2003, 04:25 PM
Originally posted by ShadowTemplar
Ok, I just was thick. (Note to self: Don't read stories piecemeal over several weeks...)

This is all that's done that I am pleased with. Spring Break starts up next week, and all of my friends are going to FL it seems. What's so special there? :rolleyes:

So I guess I'll update chapter 1 with the suggestions Stormhammer gave me, change what you told me to do, and type away until I get carpel-tunnel....

03-28-2003, 12:14 AM
Honestly, I think it was very well written. Though i think you should have posted less chapters. You should post a chapter to gain attention, than release more in increments. Oh, well. It's probably bugging me because i have to scroll down. I'm lazy like that.

I think it is a good story though.

04-01-2003, 04:11 AM
lol. He did. Check the dates.

Lost Welshman
04-08-2003, 05:42 PM
I would take the time to read your story and tell you what I think but nobody seems to do that with me so I dont think I will. Alot of time seemed to go into this so keep it up.

La la Fla, If anyone has time can they reveiw my story, The Melon Conspiracy?

04-25-2003, 12:14 PM
Originally posted by Lost Welshman
I would take the time to read your story and tell you what I think but nobody seems to do that with me so I dont think I will.


La la Fla, If anyone has time can they reveiw my story, The Melon Conspiracy?

Gee, someone's being bitter? Well, honestly (and sadly) I don't think that most people surf on the WWW to read stories... Reading off a screen is a pest.

BTW: Get rid of the sig if it's longer than your post.

Well, I finally wrote the title scroll dealy. Tell me what I need to make it sound good, because I don't like it....

Well, since you're asking:

The TRADE FEDERATION is losing power as its head officers are being arrested for unjust acts of the REPUBLIC.

I think you mean "unjust acts against"

Their droid armies have been taken away,

"Confiscated" sounds better than "taken away" IMO... But that's strictly my subjective opinion, there's nothing technically wrong with "taken away".

but some have been spotted on the world of Alaris

You're giving information away here. I think that it'd sound better if you were showing that federation druids were used, rather than just arbitrarily stating it. Something like "rumors abound that federation druids have found their way to..." or "there have been (un)confirmed sightings of federation druids" or something like that. And you may want to throw in a "however", a "but", or a "yet", in order to signal that it was not what was intended when they were confiscated.

Jedi RIV-LYN VEERS has been sent to investigate the situation and help unite the two hemispheres at war.

Well, if you want me to go nitpicking, you may want to use "dispatched" here, rather than "sent out", again in order to achive a more formal tone.

He was not informed of all the weapons possesed by the terrorists that started the war, and many high ranking officers and political officials have been killed.

I think that I'd bring the terrorists up earlier (perhaps in the last sentence of the first paragraph; "an Outer Rim world ablaze with terrorist-incited civil war"). Basically in order to get a more flowing introduction (it's always practical to have introduced the characters before they act).

Although he does not have solid evidence, he believes it was the doing of BLACK SUN that granted the terrorists to get a hold of such weapons.

You have not introduced the Black Sun cartel before now, yet you seem to use them as though the reader should know who they are.

You may want to replace "that granted the terrorists to get a hold of such weapons." with something like "that granted the terrorists hold of such weapons"

I can't put my finger on what's wrong with the first version, but it somehow rigns false in my ears.

They must offer his support for Veers to take on another apprentice since he has had an apprentice who had fallen to to the Darkside.

I think that you mean "They must offer their support...". I furthermore think that I'd put a name on the Fallen already here (but that depends on how he's introduced in the story proper (it's a bit long since I read that part)). Something like "They must offer their support Veers to take on another apprentice, as he has been reluctant to do so after 's fall to the Dark Side." Or something like that.

But while they discuss that matter, a new power is arising on the Outer Rim in command of the stolen Trade Federation Droids. The Jedi must investigate their link to the terrorists of Alaris and if possible, neutralize it.

Again you are very direct. You [i]claim that someone is using the stolen droids for a powergrab in the Outer Rim. My suggestion would be something like

"But while they discuss this matter, intelligence points towards a new power rising in the Outer Rim. Furthermore, it seems to be linked with the theft of the confiscated Federation druids. The Jedi Counsil must make haste to uncover the nature of this power, along with its potential involvement in the Alaris War."

This would, I think, make it sound a lot more like there was something left for Veers to investigate. Your original version sounded like the Counsil already has all the info, IMO. While the reader will, of course, have to know all these things, I find it beneficial to keep the point of view in one place (ie: The Counsil), or clearly mark that the PoV has changed. The former being by far the easier and less corny in this case, IMO.

The council have decided to send Veers and his newly chosen apprentice to deal with the matter...

This is probably nitpicking, but I'd say "the apprentice that he will hopefully take", rather than "his newly chosen apprentice", simply because "newly chosen" implies (at least to me) that he has already chosen one.

All of the above is, of course, strictly IMVHO (I’m not trying to write your story). Take what you like, edit liberally if desired, and delete the rest at your leisure if you so :).

04-28-2003, 05:40 PM
Your 'nitpicking' is very useful. I didn't see that you posted. ;)

Oh, and I don't care if Welsh won't read it. I have read his Monty Python one though. [/hint]

05-05-2003, 10:05 AM
I'm very pleased that you find it useful. It was great fun doing it (I mean just how often do people ask you to nitpick on their stuff?).

BTW: I finished the above post.

PS: You're always welcome to go nitpicking in The Templar's Tale (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=88330).[/blatant advertising]

- Shadowtemplar, Templar of No God, Champion of No Cause