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View Full Version : Need opinions on a piece of wrinitng! (not finished yet!)


Matt-Liell
03-04-2003, 08:16 PM
Well I'm working on another story for school. I'm not finished yet but I'm looking for some opinoins. I'll post updates of the story until it is finished. What do you think so far? (I also need a good title if you guys could help me on that :D )
________________________________________________

We received a letter that day. A letter that would soon change my family forever. My family gathered around our kitchen table. Darkness spread across our town, for many of the men who once lived here were nowhere to be found they were lost in maze they called the sea. I stood over my mother trying to get a glimpse of the paper to read it, my 5 brothers and sisters crowded around as well but I signalled them to stay back. I was the oldest of six at 19 years of age. I heard mother’s sobs grow louder and longer, I told my brothers and sisters to go back to their rooms.

We weren’t a rich family, though we weren’t completely broke. We had enough to get by; my father and I worked at home. We made a lumber mill in an old barn that was on our property. I had to work there a lot while he was gone. We had four bedrooms in our house; one for the boys, one for the girls, one for me and one for my mother and father. Our house was a small house, timber framed and cozy. Apart from the bedrooms we had a sitting room and a kitchen.

My mother rose slowly from her chair and continued sobbing even after she entered her room and locked the door. The letter still lay upon the counter, I slowly crept to the bright yellow telegram and lifted it up, I read the letter and it changed me for the rest of my life. It read:

Dear Mrs. Morgan STOP
We regret to inform you your husband John Tracey is missing in action STOP
His plane was shot down and he and his comrades fell into the Atlantic STOP
We will keep you posted STOP
There has been no news for three weeks STOP

Lieutenant Deager

A chill was sent down my spine. I sat down quickly and leaned back in the wooden chair, my father was missing in action. World War II had been raging for a year now, Hitler and his party of Nazis have been terrorizing the world in hopes of revenge from World War I. I should be fighting out there but my father wouldn’t let my mother and my brothers and sisters be alone for so long. The eldest boy apart from me was Timothy and he was 14, he helps me a lot and I think he could do it himself. Yes the thought of war raced in my mind, I had to go or others would suffer the same fate as my father. I couldn’t let the armies of evil march this earth, I didn’t know what I could do but I had to do something.

My brothers and sisters had their doors open a crack and their curious little eyes watched me as I approached my mother’s door I knocked on the door and said calmly,
“Mama.”
She opened her door and let me in. My mother was a kind lady; she wasn’t exceptionally tall like I was. She had golden blonde hair and she had small blue eyes. Those eyes were now covered in a layer of tears. I started to speak, clutching the telegram tightly in my fist my mother noticed this and said to me
“Do not speak Terence, I know what you are about to say. If I were you I expect I would want to do the same thing. Timothy can take care of us, do not fret good bye Terry.”
My mother was always psychic, which helped her a lot while raising three kids. She always knew who was to blame and what you were thinking. I did not want to alarm my brothers and sisters so I simply went to their rooms and said,
“I’m going out for awhile, good night.” I left the house never expecting to return. The Nazis had better be prepared for I was coming.

On my walk into town I saw several signs that said “ Uncle Sam wants YOU!” And my blood began to race faster and faster through my vanes. I reached the recruiting office and they asked me the usual questions like my name and birth date but then they caught me off guard with a question I hadn’t thought of, “What part of the Army would you like to join? Navy, Air force or ground units?”
I stood there thinking fast trying to analyze each role the fastest I possibly could, I quickly said
“Uhhhhh, Air force!” After I said this they took me to a room to perform a physical, I passed and they gave me a uniform and directions. I was to leave the next night if I wished on a flight bound for France. I accepted but I would soon learn I picked the wrong role in the army. I didn’t read the sheet carefully; little did I know I had just accepted a secret reconnaissance mission.

I was then lead to another room to my surprise to meet an average sized man in his early fifty’s. His uniform was a canvas for medals. All the colours of the rainbow and more glittered in the light all over his chest.
“Take a seat,” he said affirmatively. “We don’t have many soldiers as brave as you son, but I wish we did.”
“Excuse me sir but why am I here?”
“You are being briefed on the mission you just accepted.”
I was too frightened to say that I didn’t fully read it and that I couldn’t do it. So I continued to listen to his briefing. The mission that I had wrongly accepted involved flying into enemy invaded territory and rescuing five officers that were being held there. The problem was only five men could go on the mission. Five men against the entire regiment of Germans that occupied that part of France.
“The other six men are waiting outside let me introduce them to you, oh by the way what is you name?”
“Terence Morgan,” I replied.
“Morgan? Any relation to John Morgan?
“Yes he is my father, how do you know him?”
“Well he was your father, he died on the first attempt of the mission you are about to embark on.”
My heart sank. I was now being covered in a blanket of despair. My father dead? He sounded so sure, so confident. The telegram said he was missing, but dead? And on the same mission I was about to go on? Sweat poured down my face but I wiped it up with a cloth that was in the front pocket of my uniform.
I was led outside to meet my crew, my team. They all looked as scared as I did so I didn’t feel quite so bad. The medal covered officer said to me, “Here is Peter Watson, Charlie Reynolds, Reg Adamo, and John Blande. Men meet Terence Morgan.”
They all shook my hand and we were led to the canteen to pick up our weapons and other equipment. After this we were led to our plane. It was a Academy P-38J Lightning. The plane has three noses and the body of the plane is an open box shape. It was bright silver and had the American symbol on the side. It was a beautiful plane we stared in awe even as we were loading it. We spent the night in a small building just off the runway, we talked with each other for awhile getting to know each other and becoming friends for we were going to spend a lot of time together.
The next morning at the crack of down we left for the plane. No one saw us, which was intended by the U.S. Army. We went into the plane without saying a word. Peter Watson was the pilot of our magnificent plane. The rest of us went to our gunning stations around the plane and strapped ourselves in. The propellers started to turn with a jerk, and we slowly picked up speed down the run way. We slowly started to ascend into the air, we then went back on a great angle and sloped quickly upwards. We were in the air, there was no turning back. We flew over the town that I knew so well, we left the state of Georgia behind and soon found ourselves looking over the vast Atlantic ocean. Our journey over the sea was eventless until we could see the Europe on the horizon. Peter shouted back to us,
“Hang on! We’re going to go higher!”
We starting ascending swiftly through the clouds, camouflaged by the white fluff. We were heading for Rennes France. In the centre of this city the officers were being held. Rennes is located near the sea, not too far away from Paris. We were to land at the edge of France and proceed on foot to Rennes.
“Prepare for quick descent!” Yelled Peter back to us. The plane then quickly dropped altitude. We emerged from the clouds and made it to the ground the no unwanted happenings. With a slight unstable movement when we hit the ground he slowly came to a stop. We finished packing our bags and leaped out of the plane. The plane was concealed by a hill and some trees but there was no doubt that the enemy would soon find it. We made our way across country side, walking day and night. Hearing the distant sound of bullets and explosions didn’t help our minds that were sick with worry. We reached the edge of Rennes five days later. We watched the happenings of the village from the other side of a hill on which was located at the west side of Rennes, just outside the city.

Well thats it for now what do you think?

greedo626
03-05-2003, 07:24 PM
I think it's great so far. other than a few misspelled words and a tense change when you're describing the plane, it's pretty good. how long is it going to be? if it's going to be fairly long you might want to include a bit about Terence's training (it seems kind of unlikely that they'd send him into combat without training). over all though I like it and look forward to reading the rest:thumbsup:

Matt-Liell
03-05-2003, 07:30 PM
Well I'm glad someone took some interest in it. I've been getting opinions from another forum I'm on and I came up with this unedited version.

______________________________________________

The Great Plane Of Silver




We received a letter that day. A letter that would soon change my family forever. My family gathered around our kitchen table. Darkness spread across our town, for many of the men who once lived here were nowhere to be found they were lost in maze they called the sea. I stood over my mother trying to get a glimpse of the paper to read it, my 5 brothers and sisters crowded around as well but I signalled them to stay back. I was the oldest of six at 19 years of age. I heard mother’s sobs grow louder and longer, I told my brothers and sisters to go back to their rooms.

We weren’t a rich family, though we weren’t completely broke. We had enough to get by; my father and I worked at home. We made a lumber mill in an old barn that was on our property. I had to work there a lot while he was gone. We had four bedrooms in our house; one for the boys, one for the girls, one for me and one for my mother and father. Our house was a small house, timber framed and cozy. Apart from the bedrooms we had a sitting room and a kitchen.

My mother rose slowly from her chair and continued sobbing even after she entered her room and locked the door. The letter still lay upon the counter, I slowly crept to the bright yellow telegram and lifted it up, I read the letter and it changed me for the rest of my life. It read:

Dear Mrs. Morgan STOP
We regret to inform you your husband Mark Morgan is missing in action STOP
His plane was shot down and he and his comrades fell into the Atlantic STOP
We will keep you posted STOP
There has been no news for three weeks STOP
We are doubtful STOP

Lieutenant Deager

A chill was sent down my spine. I sat down quickly and leaned back in the wooden chair, my father was missing in action. World War II had been raging for a year now, Hitler and his party of Nazis have been terrorizing the world in hopes of revenge from World War I. I should be fighting out there but my father wouldn’t let my mother and my brothers and sisters be alone for so long. The eldest boy apart from me was Timothy and he was 14, he helps me a lot and I think he could do it himself. Yes the thought of war raced in my mind, I had to go or others would suffer the same fate as my father. I couldn’t let the armies of evil march this earth, I didn’t know what I could do but I had to do something.

My brothers and sisters had their doors open a crack and their curious little eyes watched me as I approached my mother’s door I knocked on the door and said calmly,
“Mama.”
She opened her door and let me in. My mother was a kind lady; she wasn’t exceptionally tall like I was. She had golden blonde hair and she had small blue eyes. Those eyes were now covered in a layer of tears. I started to speak, clutching the telegram tightly in my fist my mother noticed this and said to me
“Do not speak Terence, I know what you are about to say. If I were you I expect I would want to do the same thing. Timothy can take care of us, do not fret good bye Terry.”
My mother was always psychic, which helped her a lot while raising three kids. She always knew who was to blame and what you were thinking. I did not want to alarm my brothers and sisters so I simply went to their rooms and said,
“I’m going out for awhile, good night.” I left the house never expecting to return. The Nazis had better be prepared for I was coming.

On my walk into town I saw several signs that said “ Uncle Sam wants YOU!” And my blood began to race faster and faster through my vanes. I reached the recruiting office and they asked me the usual questions like my name and birth date but then they caught me off guard with a question I hadn’t thought of, “What part of the Army would you like to join? Navy, Air force or ground units?”
I stood there thinking fast trying to analyze each role the fastest I possibly could, I quickly said
“Uhhhhh, Air force!” My father joined the Air Force so I thought I might as well follow in his footsteps. After I said this they took me to a room to perform a physical, I passed and they gave me a uniform and directions. I was to leave the next night if I wished on a flight bound for France. I accepted but I would soon learn I picked the wrong role in the army. I didn’t read the sheet carefully; little did I know I had just accepted a secret reconnaissance mission.

I was then lead to another room to my surprise to meet an average sized man in his early fifty’s. His uniform was a canvas for medals. All the colours of the rainbow and more glittered in the light all over his chest.
“Take a seat,” he said affirmatively. “We don’t have many soldiers as brave as you son, but I wish we did.”
“Excuse me sir but why am I here?”
“You are being briefed on the mission you just accepted.”
I was too frightened to say that I didn’t fully read it and that I couldn’t do it. So I continued to listen to his briefing. The mission that I had wrongly accepted involved flying into enemy invaded territory and rescuing five officers that were being held there. The problem was only five men could go on the mission. Five men against the entire regiment of Germans that occupied that part of France.
“The other six men are waiting outside let me introduce them to you, oh by the way what is you name?”
“Terence Morgan,” I replied.
“Morgan? Any relation to Mark Morgan?
“Yes he is my father, how do you know him?”
“Well he was your father, he died on the first attempt of the mission you are about to embark on. You see we sent many men first of all but their big planes were discovered too fast, that is why we decided on only five men this time around.”
My heart sank. I was now being covered in a blanket of despair. My father dead? He sounded so sure, so confident. The telegram said he was missing, but dead? And on the same mission I was about to go on? Sweat poured down my face but I wiped it up with a cloth that was in the front pocket of my uniform.
I was led outside to meet my crew, my team. They all looked as scared as I did, all except one of the men so I didn’t feel quite so bad. The medal covered officer said to me, “Here is Peter Watson, Charlie Reynolds, Reg Adamo, and John Blande. Men meet Terence Morgan.” John Blande was the one that didn’t look scared at all, I was guessing he loved war.
They all shook my hand and we were led to the canteen to pick up our weapons and other equipment. After this we were led to our plane. It was an Academy P-38J Lightning. The plane had three noses and the body of the plane was an open box shape. It was bright silver and had the American symbol on the side. It was a beautiful plane we stared in awe even as we were loading it. We spent the night in a small building just off the runway, we talked with each other for awhile getting to know each other and becoming friends for we were going to spend a lot of time together.
The next morning at the crack of down we left for the plane. No one saw us, which was intended by the U.S. Army. We went into the plane without saying a word. Peter Watson was the pilot of our magnificent plane. The rest of us went to our gunning stations around the plane and strapped ourselves in. The propellers started to turn with a jerk, and we slowly picked up speed down the run way. We slowly started to ascend into the air, we then went back on a great angle and sloped quickly upwards. We were in the air, there was no turning back. We flew over the town that I knew so well, we left the state of Georgia behind and soon found ourselves looking over the vast Atlantic ocean. Our journey over the sea was eventless until we could see the Europe on the horizon. Peter shouted back to us,
“Hang on! We’re going to go higher!”
We starting ascending swiftly through the clouds, camouflaged by the white fluff. We were heading for Rennes France. In the centre of this city the officers were being held. Rennes is located near the sea, not too far away from Paris. We were to land at the edge of France and proceed on foot to Rennes.
“Prepare for quick descent!” Yelled Peter back to us.
The plane then quickly dropped altitude. We emerged from the clouds and made it to the ground the no unwanted happenings. With a slight unstable movement when we hit the ground he slowly came to a stop. We finished packing our bags and leaped out of the plane. The plane was concealed by a hill and some trees but there was no doubt that the enemy would soon find it. We made our way across country side, walking day and night. Hearing the distant sound of bullets and explosions didn’t help our minds that were sick with worry. We reached the edge of Rennes five days later. We watched the happenings of the village from the other side of a hill on which was located at the west side of Rennes, just outside the city. There was a large amount of Nazi soldiers that occupied the village they marched in and out, to and fro and around and around the central part of the city. It looked hopeless but we had to act, there was nothing we could do we had a mission to complete or die trying. We then heard a the sound of a chain of bullets ring across the country side, it came from North of the village. We quickly ducked into a little cave in the side of the hill. Cries came from all around, they were all German. Just then we heard something so unimaginable it scared us but made us excited as well. A great cry in english but not just english but in an American accent, it yelled “Charge!” and many other cries were heard in both of the present languages. Machine guns fired and the world around us was engulfed in the sound of war. People dieing, grenades exploding and Generals yelling at their men. Reg slowly made his way to the entrance of the small cave, he ran out and didn’t return for ten minutes, we were getting worried wondering what could have happened to him. Just as we ourselves were about to exit the gloomy cave Reg’s head popped in the doorway.
“Guys come on, most of the Germans are leaving the village to fight whoever or whatever is out there. This is the best chance we have of rescuing the generals!”
“Right lets go then!” Replied John eagerly. John obviously did love war he raced out and followed Reg up the hill, the rest of us followed.
We waited for a squadron of Nazi troops to pass the hill and we ran down it. We ran without stopping or looking back directly to an old abandoned building at the edge of the first road. By the look of the town we estimated that the German’s ran in and destroyed everything they could, it was a battered up ghost town now. Smoke rose from the many loose boards across the town and no person that wasn’t German was to be found alive. We continued trekking through the debris of destroyed houses passing dead families who tried to escape Hitler’s grasp with no success. I paused for a moment and thought to myself, “I cannot fail this mission, I must do it for my father, I must do it for all these unfortunate people.”
The cries of distant German soldiers grew closer and closer, the voices of the unknown American ghosts followed them still. We reached the heart of the city where we found the remnants of the enemy soldiers guarding a building. This had to be where the officers were being held. We were sitting under cover in a room that was in shambles on the second floor of a building about 700 feet away from the grouping of German soldiers. We were going to try to take out the forces around the building then penetrate the inside. The easiest way would have been to throw grenades around and at the building but there were officers in there that needed to be saved.
Just then a horrifying thunder of running soldiers and cries of pain swept by our building. Gun shots grew closer and closer. All we heard except for the footsteps and cries were Germans yelling “Nin, Nin!” This of course meant “no” in German, but we didn’t understand what was happening, we were caught in a cyclone of confusion. The Germans who were running met up with the ones who were guarding the building they turned around an prepared for attack. Ten lines of men lined up one behind another, guns at the ready. Then another thunderous roar of feet running engulfed the area around us like drums in the distance growing nearer. I then heard a voice I thought I knew, it yelled
“FIRE!” And bullets shots rang out across the streets. Explosions from grenades appeared in front of the first line of Germans and it took out the first four. I jumped up and yelled,
“Well what are we waiting for? FIRE!”
We all picked up our grenades and launched them from the broken windows of our cover, we launched them at the back row since they were lined up vertically in front of us. The Germans were both surprised and overwhelmed, they were no match. We quickly took out those still standing and we ventured to find our fellow American saviours. They were doing the same we hoped from the sloped roof of the building down to where the many of them stood. The same voice I heard before rang out across the battlefield, a man was trying to run through the huge pack of men when suddenly a shot rang out, we heard a cry of pain. I turned around to see John lying on the ground blood stained the left shoulder of his uniform. An unknown soldier form the great pack yelled
“I’ll get him!” And he took out a grenade. The German soldier was shooting out from a window and ducked to reload. The unknown soldier reached for a grenade and I yelled
“NO DON’T! There are American officers in there that need to be rescued!”
I was too late, the grenade sailed through the air and hit the side of the building. It exploded and the Nazi general that was standing in the window now lay on the ground.
“What are you doing? There were officers in there!” yelled Charlie angrily.
“No there weren’t.” Said that same voice again, the voice I now was sure I knew and smiled and turned around. There stood my father standing there with a rifle in his hand.
“We already got them son, they are fine.” He then turned and saw me, his eyes opened wide and a single tear ran down his cheek.
“Terence?” He said calmly to me.
“Yes father, I am here.” With that we both ran and hugged each other. My father was not dead, he succeeded beyond capacity. He completed the mission after all, he was a hero. I then told him that exact thing, that he was a hero.
“Well son, so are you and all your men here, even the one that lost his life. We could never have gotten this far without you.”
“Father, the lieutenant down at the army canteen back home said that all of you died, that your planes were spotted and shot down.”
“Spotted yes, but shot down, not exactly. While we were flying a group of Germans did spot one and try to shoot it down but they succeeded only in bringing it down to the ground but everyone in it survived the crash. They never saw the rest of us and we landed after they passed. We were spotted however marching across the country side and they found and destroyed all of our planes. We did succeed in completing our mission but we have been stranded for five weeks now with supplies only for six. We were attempting to raid the Germans of some food here, and we knew the chances were slim but thanks to you we defeated them and we can be on our way. That is if you can get us off of here. How many men did you start out with?
“Just the five.” I replied.
“Is your plane still intact?”
“As far as I know, but it won’t seat all of us, eleven at the max.”
“Well we can radio for more planes to come from there.”
We all left with the pride of success to our beautiful plane which remained silver. We took six others including my father with us back home and radioed for help for the others. We also brought back the body of John Blande so he could rest in peace on his own soil that he defended with pride. When we arrived home my father, my four comrades including John and myself were all presented with many medals of courage and honour. I bought a patch which had on it my inspiration, the great plane of silver that we rode on. My father and I walked back home and entered through the door that morning.
“We’re back.” My father said calmly and everyone in our house came rushing out of their rooms to greet us. We were all gathered around the kitchen table once more to hear our tales and to share our love. I couldn’t wait to eat a good meal again.
“How about some pancakes everyone?” I asked.