View Full Version : Thing Vader would NEVER say....

03-29-2003, 10:38 PM
Just bored and thought I'd get a chuckle if some people would post some things they think Vader would never say. Just for laughs. I'm bored. I'll start...

"I love you, Watto. Really."

"Great job, Admiral Piett. I'm so proud of you, I could hug you!"

03-29-2003, 10:56 PM
they are quite funny when you imagine James earl jones's voice doing them

03-30-2003, 12:17 AM
:vadar: to :emperor: ~
Explain to me again why all Sith Lords are white, old, and ugly...wait...why do we look like Congressmen...

:vadar: ~ I am your father.
:yoda: ~ :eek: Damn old, you are.

:vadar: ~ Master, am I the first Sith Lord to get laid?
:emperor: ~ No, my young apprentice. Did I ever tell you about the time me and Mon Mothma were on a secluded Coriellian beach...:naughty:

All I can think of right now...

03-30-2003, 12:24 AM
Heres another...LF has a smiley count...:rolleyes:

:vadar: to :emperor: ~ So...you were played by a old woman in the movies...so technically...the great all-ruling Emperor Palpatine...is a woman!? How did you work your way up? :naughty:

dark jedi 8
03-30-2003, 10:34 AM
lol, i cant think of any at the moment but those are great!:D

Pedro The Hutt
03-30-2003, 11:05 AM
"No... I ... am your father.... wanna go play some ball? To catch up on lost times!"

Lynk Former
03-30-2003, 11:18 AM
Vader (when about to die in Return of the Jedi, he has his helmet off): Luke I have to show you the truth *pulls off face Mission Impossible style*

Luke: Ben?!

dark jedi 8
03-30-2003, 11:20 AM
apology accepted admiral, now do you wanna go see a movie? i hear ESB is pretty good.

Lynk Former
03-30-2003, 11:22 AM
Vader: "Luke... I am father christmas!!"
Luke: "Hey you never gave me that power converter I asked for this year, you suck!"

03-30-2003, 07:14 PM
:vadar: to :emperor: ~ Why is it that I have to wear a mask when YOU clearly have the uglier face...

:emperor: looks around ~ Zap! :lightning

03-30-2003, 09:09 PM
man, everybody's posts are great. I'll try some more.....

1. "Yippeee!" (just my little protest there)

2. "Golly, Jee Whiz."

3. "Hold me. Just... hold me."

4. "Canonball! Wheeee!"

5. Emperor: (to Vader): "Yes, I know."
Vader: "Yes, I know."
Emperor: "Are you mocking me?"
Vader: "Are you mocking me?"
Emperor: "stop that!"
Vader: "Stop that!"

03-30-2003, 09:15 PM
Originally posted by Lynk Former
Vader: "Luke... I am father christmas!!"
Luke: "Hey you never gave me that power converter I asked for this year, you suck!"

Father Christmas, cheap trick of a clumsy economy... I feel your pain Luke!

dark jedi 8
03-30-2003, 10:08 PM
i dont think vader would ever say: wazzzup!:D

03-31-2003, 12:00 AM
Originally posted by dark jedi 8
i dont think vader would ever say: wazzzup!:D

lol that would sound weird in his deep voice.

:vadar: WAA *deep breath* ZZZUU *deep breath* PP...

Lynk Former
03-31-2003, 04:02 AM
Vader: "Commander tear this ship apart until you've found my keys! I can't fly my TIE Fighter without them!!"

03-31-2003, 07:20 AM
"Hey, Tarks, how about you, me and a few stormies go off for a few drinks at the closest bar? I hear they sell death sticks."

Lynk Former
03-31-2003, 08:19 AM
Vader: *sigh* "...not even Viagra can help me now..."

(what too far? :D)

dark jedi 8
03-31-2003, 06:47 PM
haha! lol, pretty funny lynk.:) but wouldn't he have to take his suit off? anyway, he was lucky enough to get padme!
(maybe thats too far)?:D

04-01-2003, 02:01 AM
Originally posted by Lynk Former
Vader: *sigh* "...not even Viagra can help me now..."

(what too far? :D)

Obi-Wan ~ Don't worry Senator, I will always be here for you. *wink wink* :naughty:

04-01-2003, 02:04 AM
:vadar: to :c3po: ~ Hello, my half-brother.

for those of you who didn't get that, think of Obi-Wan's words "He's more machine than man now."

Lynk Former
04-01-2003, 02:23 AM
Vader: *gives Boba Fett a sidewards glance* "My suit is STILL better than yours..."

Boba: At least I'm not an old man with hardly any meat left taking orders from a guy who looks like he should be dead already...

Vader: Ow... I deserved that

04-01-2003, 02:30 AM
Any pants jokes :rofl:

"A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master."
"I find your lack of pants disturbing."
"There'll be no pants to stop us this time."
"You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor. Take her pants!"
"The pants you refer to will soon be back in our hands."

"Search your pants, you know it to be true."
"I want them alive. No pants."
"Only your pants can destroy me."
"Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your pants."

"Yes...your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong."
"Sister! So...you have a twin sister. Your pants have now betrayed her too."
"You are unwise to lower your pants."

Ok so I ripped them of a website (http://wso.williams.edu/~rfoxwell/starwars/SWPants.htm)...

Lynk Former
04-01-2003, 02:36 AM
Vader: "And now your highness we will discuss what I should wear at the next Death Star Annual Ballroom Dance contest"


Vader: i have felt him my master
Palp: O.O u did what now?
Vader: huh? what? NO NOT THAT WAY!!

04-01-2003, 09:58 AM
"Yeah, sure, let him live, I have killed enough people already"

"You don't agree with the entire surface of the Death Star being mirrored?" (Now that would be one damn huge mirrorball!! )

dark jedi 8
04-01-2003, 07:04 PM
:vader3: : anyone up for a game of chess? anyone?:)

Lynk Former
04-02-2003, 01:34 AM
Vader: I'm a little teapot short and stout. This is my handle this is my spout...

04-02-2003, 11:56 AM
"does that helmet make my head look big?"

Jedi Apprentice
04-02-2003, 09:36 PM
"Aww, poodoo you silly little stormtroopers." :)

04-02-2003, 09:38 PM
"Captain Needa, can I give you a hug?"

"Oh my God! Oh...my....God! I just killed that man! Get some bacta over here right now!" *Vader is jumping up and down as he says this. His hands are also in a "ghey posture"*

04-02-2003, 09:56 PM

04-03-2003, 01:15 PM
"does this armor make me look fat?"

"dont make me do to you what i did to those jedi..."

"so golf Tuesday, huh?"

"geeze, quit calling me ani!"


dark jedi 8
04-05-2003, 12:48 PM
:vadar: to :amidala: : are you an angel?:rolleyes: :)

04-05-2003, 12:55 PM
Originally posted by gundark
"does this armor make me look fat?"

"dont make me do to you what i did to those jedi..."

"so golf Tuesday, huh?"

"geeze, quit calling me ani!"



dark jedi 8
04-05-2003, 01:06 PM
:vadar: to :emperor: : "we could keep it a secret."
(:confused: :eyeraise: :D )

04-05-2003, 02:37 PM
to emperor: "show me how you do that lightning stuff, looks cool!" :lightning

to Tarkin: "You look tense. Do you want a massage?"


Reb Starblazer
04-06-2003, 06:01 PM
Not sure how well this actually fits in here, but it does sound like some things Vader would never say. Not to mention it's funny as all hell :D

A furious light sabre duel is under way. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER toward the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: "Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father."

Luke: "He told me enough! He told me you killed him!"

Darth Vader: "No! I am your father!"

Luke: "No, it's not true! It's impossible."

Darth Vader: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true."

Luke: "NO!"

Darth Vader: "Yes, it is true and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?"

Luke: "Threepio?"

Darth Vader: "Yes, Threepio, I built him when I was seven years old."

Luke: "No."

Darth Vader: "Seven years old? And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp."

Luke: "I destroyed your precious Death Star!"

Darth Vader: "When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!"

Luke: "Well, it's not my fault."

Darth Vader: "Oh, here we go. 'Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith ... waahhh wahhh!'"

Luke: "Shut up."

Darth Vader: "You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!"

Luke: "I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!"

Darth Vader: "Oh, for the love of the Emperor, 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open. Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer, right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step toward it.

Darth Vader: "I was wrong. You're not my kid. I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine."

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: "And get a haircut!"


EDIT : I can't quite remember where I got it from, but it's around the net in a few places. Try a google search for "The Empire Strikes Back (real ending)"

EDIT EDIT : Found one Click me... click me... (http://www.jokecenter.com/jokes/Starwars/3915.htm)

dark jedi 8
04-06-2003, 06:04 PM
haha,lol:p :D thats really funny.

i remember seeing that somewhere, where did you get it from?:)

04-08-2003, 01:12 PM
Vader: God... This Imperialistic white, black and grey decor just doesnt do it for me anymore....
Admiral Ozel, prepare the ship and set course for Homebase.... And inform Ikea that I shall be ariving shortly....

Anakin Skywalker away from Padme for too long: So I cant even use Force Grip for THAT! But... whats so disturbing about doing that.... Yes Master Windu caught me, but it not like I was in the library doing it...

Vader to Emperor - DUDE! Look - I know this GREAT little place for moisturiser....

04-08-2003, 02:35 PM
lol @ Reb, that's great! :lol:

Vader: My favourite teletubbie is that one with the handbag.

04-14-2003, 11:53 AM
Vader: I just love that Achy Breaky Sith song by Billy Ray Cyphilus.....

05-01-2003, 09:52 AM
To Palpatine: Hey, you. Me. Your Throne room. No one will know. :D

To Luke: You know, for being my daughter, Leia is kind of hot for the 70's and 80's.

To Leia: You are a part of the Rebel alliance. and a traitor. Take here way!!! to my quarters for later tonight(and don't forget the slave bikini used on Tattooine:D

To Obi-wan: When we last met, I was but an apprentice, now I am the master. But, how do you get it up so fast... THE LIGHTSABER...

05-10-2003, 04:40 PM
Palpatine to Vader: Tell Me MORE!!!

Vader: NO! I Can't and I Won't!

Palpatine(Lightning glows on fingertips): TELL ME!!!!

Vader: OK, if your going to wine about it.(Sighs) Two Jedi walk into this canteena........

Jedi Apprentice
05-11-2003, 05:02 PM
Are you gellin'?


05-12-2003, 08:47 AM
Vader:R2D2 rules! He's my hero.

Vader to Emperor: Dude! You should try taking a bath every now and then. And the way you dress man, that old crusty look went out of style ages ago.

05-12-2003, 02:31 PM
Vader: You know what, I'm tired of being the bad guy, let's go help the Gay And Lesbian Rights Movement.

Vader: Do you happen to have any Grey Poupon

Vader: Where's my fighter?
(pan to Vader Fighter leaping to hyperspace with Palpatine inside)(little inside joke to those X-men 2000 Fans)

Sam Fisher
05-19-2003, 10:28 AM
Vader: "Take a chill pill luke"

Vader: "Why don't you free your mind, have some Jawa Juce"

11-13-2003, 11:20 AM
vader: does my bum look big in this?
luke: no.. but your head does

vader: "join me and together we will rule the galaxy.. plus we could do some serious damage in the father/son sack race"

vader: "obi-wan! my old friend, how are you? care for some tea?"

vader: "the circle is complete, now i am the master"
obi-wan "only the master of evil darth"
vader: "now why would you say that?.. thats just mean! so i've made some bad choices over the years *sniff* everyone makes mistakes *sniff* i'm still human *sniff* i still have feelings!"
*throws down lightsaber and runs off crying*

11-15-2003, 01:24 PM
Battle of Yavin, ANH.
x-wings make their run on the death star...
biggs: they're coming in too fast, i can't shake em!
luke: hold on, biggs!
*vader blows biggs to pieces*
vader: now this is podracing!

In the emperor presence, various occasions...
vader: your lack of face is disturbing.....

on the executor, in the hoth system...
ozzel: ah, my lord. we've just come out of lightsp-
vader: u have failed me for the last time, admiral. captain piett?
piett: u killed him!
vader: sith happens.

on bespin, in cloud city....
vader: captain solo! i loved you in the indiana jones series!

on the forest moon, with luke....
vader: ah, i see you have constructed a new lightsaber. tell me, which way do the batteries go in?

at a bar, trying to pick up some chicks.....
vader: hey, baby, why don't you bend over and let me see your dark side?

ooooooooh....that was bad....

11-15-2003, 06:03 PM
*Gasp* I cant breath in this thing!

I forgive you Captain Needa, nobodys perfect.

Luke...Son, come with me...please?...Cmon...really Im not foolin...Ill be a good dad. Well fine! Be that way! Go talk to your precious old dead Ben all the time! I dont need you! I got an old wrinkly Sith at home who cares about me. Yeah, he even gave me my own star ship! What do ya think of that?! Huh, stupid kid!

11-18-2003, 02:29 PM
Vader: (under the platform in the Emperors tower in ROTJ) you cant hide forever. even though my kids were taken away, I am the ultimate hide n seek master. what do you think me and the emperor do when not crushing rebel scum?

11-18-2003, 02:38 PM
"i find your lack of faith amusing"

"apology accepted captain needa... now lets kiss and make up"

11-18-2003, 03:01 PM
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways Lord Vader..."


............ :confused:

All the rest get a big thumbs up.

11-20-2003, 12:59 PM
Vader to Mon momthma
Mon Momthma: I realize i love you, i always had. But as long as there is Padme there will be always be something between us.
Vader: But i have good news.
Mon Momtha: Your dumping Padme?
Vader: No, i saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
Mon walks away.
Vader: I saved. I thought that meant something to you.

Script taken from Geico commercial\]

11-20-2003, 05:36 PM
Vader: "I've been waiting for you, Obi-Wan!"
Ben: "Really?"
Vader: "Yeah."
Ben: "Same here."
Vader: "So, wazzzup homie? Hey, have you seen my new red saber? I got it from Father Christmas (myself)! Sorry about breaking my own blue saber! NOTTT!"

daring dueler
11-20-2003, 08:38 PM
darth to palpatine: dude your getting a dell!,(voice from backround), oh the newest cool commercial is can you hear me now?? okay thanx.okay(again to plapatine) can you hear me now?


darth" can you hear me now?

palpaitne: i told you 10 minutes ago! yes! your right next to me! now are we gonna bust some caps in some domes here or get down to the west siiide for or crack hoes and drug abbuse!?

11-22-2003, 09:28 PM
:vadar: to luke
Help me take this mask off, son. So i can gaze upon u with my own eyes! (Takes mask off) Luke sees vaders face.
Luke: Gah! (pukes at sight of vader's face)
Vader: That's no way to great your daddy! 30 years of wearing this and finally when i take it off i get puke all over me! Have some respect for your elders!!
Luke: Jeez sorry dad, after all you are just a head.

11-23-2003, 09:21 AM
"We are honoured by your presence...."
"Awwww shucks"

11-23-2003, 06:25 PM
Gah, I'm not creative enough to think of something. :mad:

11-23-2003, 08:59 PM
Originally posted by joetheeskimo5
Gah, I'm not creative enough to think of something. :mad:
Didn't stop me.......;)

"Luke - give in to the darkside! C'mon, it'll be a laugh"

11-28-2003, 08:15 PM
Vader throws a saber at Luke and Luke dies while Luke is talking.
Vader: I 0vvn3|) u n00b3!
Palpatine:I HATE LAMERS!
Palpatine grips Vader and run up to him and is kicking him constantly until he dies.
:D Just my lil JK2 MP tribute

11-29-2003, 08:56 AM
Originally posted by Ion
Vader throws a saber at Luke and Luke dies while Luke is talking.
Vader: I 0vvn3|) u n00b3!
Palpatine:I HATE LAMERS!
Palpatine grips Vader and run up to him and is kicking him constantly until he dies.
:D Just my lil JK2 MP tribute

12-22-2003, 04:02 PM
After clearing the asteroid field in EMPIRE:

Vader: (to the hologram of the EMPEROR): Can you hear me now?

12-28-2003, 01:15 AM
He would probaly say something like:

"Luke... I am your sister"


"Damnit, now where did I leave my mask"

01-02-2004, 08:02 PM
Vader: Luke, I am your father

Luke: No! That's impossible!

Vader: It's not impossible. Because me and your mother, her name was Padame. She was once queen of Naboo you know. Anyway, she had a little too much jawa juice and, well, one thing led to another and her and me...

Luke: Look, I'll acept your my dad, I'll eat my brussel sprouts, I wont even care that you've just cut my hand off, JUST DON'T FINNISH THAT SENTENCE!!!

Vader: Oh :(

Obi-wan: If you strike me down I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

Vader: I can imagine quite a lot, so umm I'm not going to kill you now, SCRAM before I change my mind.

Obi-wan: :confused:

Vader: Go on, go to your presious Luke. Go on, but remember, he's my son.