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Evil Spock
05-10-2003, 07:24 AM
Ahum, yes. Anyway, *spring* is upon us, with its annoyingly incessant twitter of birds and nice flowers and whatnot. Most primates find themselves outdoors more and more these days, and sometimes they are compelled to build small outdoor fires upon which they can burn the flayed flesh of dead animals for dinner. Being somewhat of an expert on the matter of fire, I have much to say on the matter...

*Abruptly breaks out of character* Kids, outdoor barbecue is a lot of fun, and good eating, too, but please get an adult's help before you ever try to light charcoal or wood on fire. These recipes are easy, but should be done under an adult's supervision. On the other hand, if you're already an adult, light that sucker up--and have a beer while you're at it. *Goes back into character*

The art of creating conflagration within a limited space for the purposes of roasting animals is most tedious. Building a pit with stones in such a fashion as to get the proper draw of air is time consuming, as is building the wood into a delightful little pyre that will burn well...most of us will quickly chuck the idea, and go get the charcoal grill, and a bag of charcoal.

If charcoal isn't readily available (as it is in Hades) then you may go with *shudder* propane cooking. If you don't want to wind up looking and sounding like Hank Hill, though, get charcoal. Follow the directions on the bag, and get your fire going nice and hot. Meanwhile...

Grilled Mediterranean Monkey

Despite illusions to the contrary, gourmet cooking can be quite simple, and even done outdoors. One must defend the prepared meat from scavengers such as birds, bats and small dragons when cooking outdoors. Enlist the help of your pets; they're on your side.

You must conjure:

Lemon juice
Olive oil
Fresh garlic (chopped in a jar)
Italian herbs
Tabasco (or chile) sauce
Monkey

First, interrogate the monkey for information. When its sources prove fictional, kill it in public as a grim reminder to lying monkeys everywhere, then send it to the chef. When the chef sends back the flayed and butchered animal, place its limbs and body parts in a deep dish that rises higher than the food.

Make a marinade with equal parts lemon juice and olive oil, a healthy dash of tabasco, and as much garlic and herbs as you feel appropriate. No measuring cups, no silly tea spoons here; in Evil Spock's back yard, everyone has had too much to drink to find them anyway. Use the Force--you are Jedi, no?

Pour the marinade over the monkey, so it covers the meat. Cover with a towel (in case the monkey isn't quite dead yet) and allow this to sit undisturbed for no less than fifteen and no more than thirty minutes. Your house pets can help you stand guard at this point of the process.

Have another beer. Or kool-aid. Whatever.

When the flesh is done marinating, toss it on the fire. At this point, ritual dancing may be performed. To improve flavor, gather up a few sticks and throw them on top of the coals (no painted or treated wood--just safe, natural sticks) then drop the lid over the grill to capture the smoke. Laugh demonically as you send billows of wood smoke into the air. All will fear you.

The monkey is done when you can cut the flesh to the bone and see cooked meat all the way in. Any uncooked meat by the bone is bad (especially with monkey, which carries a number of natural parasites.) When done, serve over instant mashed potatoes or minute rice. Veggies? Who eats veggies? Bah.

Have another beer. Or kool-aid. What could be easier? :D

(More recipes to follow...)

vlr

Taos
05-10-2003, 07:28 AM
Allright, well thanks Zoom Rab.....erm I mean Evil Spock, I love a good Bar BQ. :D

Though monkeys aren't really my thing.......oh well, to each his own. :)

Evil Spock
05-10-2003, 09:07 AM
*Makes a fell gesture, and Leemu Taos' tongue catches on fire* What was that?

If monkeys aren't your thing, pigs and chickens make for reasonable prey... ;)

edlib
05-10-2003, 11:53 AM
Hmmm... that gives me an idea: Beer flavored Kool-Aid!

The kids'll go nuts for it!

Or maybe Kool-Aid flavored beer. Call it a local seasonal-release microbrew,.. all the yuppie beer-snobs will suck it up like water.

:joy:

Rogue Nine
05-10-2003, 12:41 PM
And for those of you who are crazy health nuts, the recipe is easily modifiable to suit low-fat tastes.

Evil Spock
05-13-2003, 12:27 AM
Hello again from the kitchens of Hades. Today, I have a recipe designed for those of us who think they can handle hot and spicy. Well, punk...do you think you can handle Evil Spock's idea of spicy hah? Mu-haw-haw-haw-haw...

The Devil's Own Cajun Ostrich

The directions for back yard arson in my original post apply here as well, although you will need a cast iron pan of decent size. And, we will be using a rub instead of a marinade. The ingredients that you should rob at gunpoint are:

Ketchup
Cayenne pepper (dry powder is okay in this instance)
Cajun seasonings
Garlic (dry powder again)
Salt
Black pepper
Ostrich

Chasing the ostrich around the yard with your chainsaw can be a pleasant way to spend an afternoon, and work up an apetite. When you have cornered the beast, kill it with much noise and feathers, then send the pieces to the chef for cleaning.

When the dismembered ostrich returns on a platter, first rub them with the dry cayenne pepper, then coat them well with ketchup.* Mix the other ingredients (mostly cajun seasonings and garlic, and just a dash of salt and pepper) in a bowl. Toss the ostrich pieces in the bowl with the seasonings until well coated.

Heat the cast iron pan on the grill; when it is hot enough that it burns the meat when thrown on, it is ready. Use a lid if your ostrich still has bones in it, to ensure proper doneness. You may skip the pan if you wish, but authentic cajun cooking calls for you to burn the food in the cast iron pan.

Cook the ostrich until it is blackened, and done all the way through. This recipe is supposed to be burned--the ingredients combine just right when scorched. When the ostrich is finished, eat it in full view of the neighbors so they can be envious of your feast.

That concludes today's recipe. :D Say...does anyone else here have barbecue stories or recipes that they want to share?

*Yes, ketchup. Trust me.