The Chronicles of Flamehart - Part 1 (Chapter 4 Up!)
I've been throwing this idea around in my head for quite some time now, and finally decided I'd like to pursue writing a backstory for my character in the roleplaying threads, Strider "Craig" Flamehart. I have chapter 1 and chapter 2 finished, and I want to know what you all think. I intend to add more sensory details into later chapters, this was just to get the idea out the door and to get people's initial thoughts on how everything is unfolding. The following collection of stories will be written in first person view of Strider.
The Planet Kyron
A Look into the Past
Kyron was a lush world in the days of the Old Republic. The planet was also rather awkward. A half of the planet was covered in land, ranging from tropical forests, to blistering deserts, and even zones of constant freezing blizzards. The main cities were built in the deserts, in order to preserve the forestry and tundra. Magnificent cities sprawled across the deserts, irrigation was employed and they were able to have agricultural as well as industrialize. The other half was covered by a massive ocean, where many different kind of industrial plants were scattered about for filtration, mining, and so on. This was the home planet of Strider Flamehart. He grew up here and was discovered by Jedi here. Strider grew up in a wealthy family, and very few of the native citizens of Kyron had ever gone off planet. His parents were reluctant to hand him over to the Order. His father finally chose to do so for unknown reasons, and so Strider was sent to the order.
Kyron’s citizens firmly believed in not leaving the planet, because they believed outside contact with other planets would lead to their inevitable doom. Throughout all of the wars of the centuries, including the Exar Kun war, Mandalorian Wars, the Jedi Civil War, and more, Kyron remained untouched by the conflicts…for a time. Shortly after Strider’s departure from Kyron, the Republic came into knowledge of Kyron, and began attempting to make it a part of the Republic. Kyron’s leaders refused to do so, and much to their dismay, Kyron was later conquered by the Sith, and they squandered the planet of its resources. Many of the high standing citizens, including Strider’s father, used their wealth to their advantage to secure themselves to potentially profit from the Sith’s takeover.
It didn’t take long for them to decimate the planet. The lush tropical forests were razed, the tundra and other frosted regions melted over, adding to the already massive ocean of the planet. The waters became polluted, turning black and murky, and cities became abandoned, except for the capital city, which was turned into a Sith stronghold, run by Strider’s own father. The capital city remained this way for years on end, until finally, two Jedi were sent to dispatch the situation…
The Return to Kyron
From orbit, I barely recognized the charred surface of what was formerly my home world. I sat quietly in the co-pilot’s seat of our spacecraft, my master sitting next to me, eyes focused on the planet ahead. She was very serious when it came down to a mission, which was quite aggravating for me as she was very lax at any other time. The sudden stiffness was always awkward, and I preferred to take things in a leisurely manner anyway.
“We’ll be landing at Kyron in fifteen minutes, Flamehart,” declared my master’s voice.
“Yes, Master Averre,” I replied, pressing a few buttons on the panel in front of me to initiate landing procedures for the ship. She was already stiffening before the mission, and sometimes I just wish she’d just stop focusing on just the objective, and take into consideration the other things that could be done to help improve the situation as well. Her name was Jayde Averre, and she was one of the youngest Jedi Masters at the academy. She’s an ace lightsaber duelist, and even specializes in many different forms of unarmed combat as well. She had accomplished her trials at age seventeen, and two years later decided to take an apprentice, just so happening to be myself. Unfortunately, I’m her first apprentice, and she’s my fifth master.
Now, it’s not that I’m a bad apprentice, really it’s not. Masters have just gotten tired of my relaxed attitude about everything and my sarcastic nature, and my seemingly blatant disregard for some less approved of sections of the Jedi Code. Basically, I’ve taken things into my own hands against my masters’ wishes a few too many times before, and Jayde was my last shot at becoming a Jedi Knight. I have quite a bit of respect for her, being nineteen as well and having set myself quite ahead of the rest of my peers, she has taught me more about the ways of the Force and combat than any of my other masters.
“We’re beginning entrance into Kyron’s atmosphere,” said Jayde, cutting into my thoughts.
“This isn’t Kyron,” I rejected, “At least, it’s not the Kyron I remember.” As the ship entered Kyron’s atmosphere and headed towards the capital city, I couldn’t help but stare at the decimated landscapes before me as the ship descended towards the spaceport.
“Strider…I understand it’s going to be hard for you to accept, but the Sith conquered this planet four years ago. Your father is in charge of the main capital city. He used his wealth to buy his way into the Sith ranks and gain their trust. Try to keep levelheaded about everything and don’t get carried away,” she said in a much more concerned tone.
“Now you decide to drop the stiff act?” I interrogated. I turned away, looking around at the landscape and the city. “I’ll keep my mind on the mission – getting in contact with the rebel faction, gaining their trust and becoming one of them, and finding out their plan to overthrow the Sith here,” I responded in an almost emotionless voice.
Jayde looked at me, “And while you attempt to do this, I will give the rulers here the impression we’re here to help the famine and other lack of supply issues, which we are here for as well, do not forget,” she chided.
I shrugged and replied in an ever more emotionless voice, “I didn’t forget, but don’t you forget a majority of those supplies go towards helping the faction.” I stood up just as the ship set itself gently onto the spaceport ground and pulled up the hood on my Jedi cloak. Jayde got up as well and rose her own hood, then we both proceeded down the exit ramp of the ship, where two guards were waiting to escort us into the lobby…
Intriguing... my only piece of advice would be to make the chapters a bit longer... other than that, I can only say that you do seem to know how to capture a person's interest. Keep the updates coming. :)
They were kinda the intro chapters, so they were a bit shorter than I intended. The third chapter is far more in depth however in Strider's full inclusion into the resistance group on the planet. I'm going to see how many chapters a week I can do, I'm hoping I can update on Wednesday (maybe Tuesday) with two more chapters then again on Friday with another two.
Note that I'm writing a fanfiction, not a book, so I don't need my chapters to span 20 pages. :)
Heh... not expecting 20 pages... just longer than those intro chapters :)
Nice, this is good, I like it.. keep posting
Thanks. Chapter 3's in mid-writeup right now, no way I'm gonna be able to keep a two-chapters an update schedule, so you'll all have to settle with 1 :-p
I'll have Chapter 3 in all it's glory up before the end of the day.
[Edit]Due to constant phone calls, unorganized work plan, and other distracting issues that have appeared, I shall publish the third chapter when it is fully completed tomorrow. Sorry![/edit]
Rebellious faction on Kyron
Getting into contact with the rebel faction was cake for me. They were eager to hear that a Jedi was willing to help them, although it was information I wasn’t supposed to have told them, they would have found out sooner or later, and I figured sooner was the better policy here to gain their trust. I told my master this and although she disapproved, she knows I’m right. Today I’m to confront their “council” and they are to decide if they wish our assistance. I’ve been secretly delivering the supplies through the faction to get to the starving population, and so far regulation and distribution have been going well. My body aches from all the menial labor, but I’m going to have to push that aside if I’m going to pass the trials they put me through. My master has been proud of my performance so far, staying underground and always popping in whenever the authorities requested from her where I was. My timing has mostly been what I would say is luck, but Jedi teachings tell me there is no luck. I’d have to disagree. Although the Force is mysterious to me, there is just no way that things tend to occur the way they do…
I’m walking now into the “initiation chamber,” as they call it. I’m doubtful that this will be difficult. As soon as I walked into the chamber, I could smell the tension of the council in the room. They knew very well that I would proceed, but all the more so they were reluctant to trust me just the same. Many people view the Jedi and Sith as similar, and there’s no way we can change that. The first thing they tell me is that I will not be able to use my lightsaber during this trial. They have not given me any prior training beforehand, so I’m assuming I’ll be forced to improvise.
“You will be facing some of our most competent hand-to-hand combatants, to test your skill without your blade. If you prevail, you will be presented with a series of situations in which you will be required to answer honestly how you would approach them. Should you pass this test, you will be given a mission to finally decide how valuable you will be to us,” said the head councilman in a droning, almost tranquilizing tone. He didn’t seem very enthusiastic. Although he was the head council, he was rather young, probably no older than twenty-one. From the way he looked at me, he had a less than caring, condescending manner. “He must be arrogant,” I thought to myself as I examined his manner. He seemed to be bored by my presence.
It didn’t take long for them to begin the first trial, and I was soon pitted up against the first of their “competent hand-to-hand combatants.” I’m no expert in hand-to-hand, but apparently watching my Master in combat paid off here.
My opponent seemed determined, and he laughed with arrogance and misunderstanding foolishness when I pulled a cloth from my inner tunic pocket and wrapped it about my head, concealing my vision. We both bowed to each other then got into our respective combative stances. We both started to move towards the center, and he made the first blow. I felt the back of my head hit the ground with a resounding thud throughout the chamber. “Sith spit…” I muttered, getting up from the ground, ignoring the now reverberating pain in my head. He laughed and struck again. Before I knew it, I was moving. I leaned to the left, letting his fist drive past by my head. All the while without vision, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him forward, bringing my knee to his gut. I moved past him, pulling his arm back, and then delivered a harsh blow to the back of his elbow, making a satisfying cracking sound. My opponent was on the ground, whimpering in pain, and was assisted off the combat grounds by another resistance member.
The next opponent was a little smarter to not underestimate my lack of vision. He attempted to come at me with an on-the-floor spinning kick. It was moments later I felt my feet swept out from under me. I did a quick flip, landing on my hands and knees. I rose to my feet and blocked against two vicious strikes, then in a blur, returned the two strikes. He managed to block them, and in fact, grabbed both my wrists. He kicked at me and I blocked with a shin, and then pushed off the ground with my remaining foot. I tilted my body in the air, still holding onto his wrists, I drove my foot into his chest, letting go of his wrists in the same instant. He hit the ground hard, and I landed on my side, but was back on my feet in an instant. He came running at me in anger and drove a fist forward. I grabbed his wrist with my hand, turned my back to him and flipped him over my shoulder and his back met the floor once more with a resonating slam.
He was dismissed by the council member, who looked far more interested in the trials he was being forced to sit through. The third opponent fell much faster than the first two, and even my master, who had become associated with the resistance recently, had come to watch the remainder of the trials.
My fourth opponent was a lot tougher than the last three; he seemed to have picked up on some of my technique from my previous victories. None of my tricky escape moves worked here, and I couldn’t really tell how well I was doing against him because it seemed like many of my blows that made contact wasn’t really affecting him. This had me curious after about an hour of constant fighting, and I lifted up my blindfold to look at my opponent, shortly after wishing I hadn’t. The guy was a hulk of muscle. I put my blindfold back down and tried to erase the image from my mind. My master knew it the moment I had done that. I doubted the moment I saw him, and Fear had entered the room. The man’s next move sent me over his back and slamming onto the ground. I tried to do a spinning kick to knock him down, but all I felt was my shin colliding into the side of his, and he never budged. I heard him laugh and soon I felt myself swept from the ground and hurled across the room. I’d had enough by this point, and lifted myself off the ground, ignoring the pain searing through my muscles and adjusting the blindfold to better cover my eyes. I let my senses wander, tried to indulge my senses into the Force. I heard everything go deafeningly quiet, like the calm before the storm. Suddenly, I hear footsteps, slow, powerful, but spaced rather distantly apart. He was running at me. I waited until the last possible second before taking a step forward and ducking downwards, then pushing up with my back, flipping him over my body. I turned around as he was still in midair and delivered an open-palm strike to his torso in midair. At the same time, I called upon the Force, sending a blast of wind-like energy from my hand and sending him careening into the wall. From what I could tell, he didn’t get back up.
“Impressive…Very impressive,” said the now far more interested council member. “You may continue to the next phase of your trials. You’ve done well here. Now you may proceed to the next trial.”
The next trials were easy. Basically all I had to do was choose the most righteous decision, and it wasn’t very difficult. I had no interest in making the other decisions presented anyway, so it wasn’t very hard. It was rather boring, but finally I got to the last trial.
Nine men walked out from a corridor, armed to the teeth with blaster rifles, repeaters, and strong armor that was stowed away in some of the supplies we sent to the general population, which was intended for the resistance in the first place. Glad to see it would be put to use. The council leader then handed me a data pad.
“I want you to take these men and infiltrate this structure. There will be a meeting with the city’s board of officials. You are to take each of them hostage. Once you have done so, secure the location and we’ll send reinforcements,” instructed the council leader.
“I thought you were going to give me an assignment, not a hostile takeover. Certainly we cannot be ready to move against them just yet,” I replied with confusion.
“What kind of ridiculous idea would that be?” he asked, giving me an incredulous look.
“What kind of ridiculous idea would it be to prematurely attack?” I retorted, resisting the urge to outright humiliate him.
“You are following my orders! Do not question them!”
“I am not questioning your orders; I am questioning the intelligence of them.”
The lead council member was fuming. Finally, he responded with, “You will do as I tell you and you will not ask otherwise.”
“The way I see it, I’m helping you, not vise versa, so I should be the one who decides how this operation is going to be run.”
“A kid like you couldn’t make such a decision!”
“Well it’s quite obvious a leader as old as yourself can’t either.”
There was silence in the room. Finally the leader said, “Fine, do what you will, but you will stick to the objectives.”
“Very well,” I answered concisely, still disagreeing with the sudden direct assault on the city’s infrastructure. I turned to the rest of the nine men who were still standing at attention behind me. “I want you all to fall out and we will reform and meet up a block away from the location in the apartment complex. We’ll move from there to infiltrate the city hall and take captive the officials. Render any guards unconscious, I want as few casualties as possible. If they open fire, then by all means open fire in return. Try not to set off any alarms either. I’ll meet you at the apartment complex in one hour. Move out!”
With that, the nine soldiers left instantly to prepare for the mission. I left the room via another exit and stepped into the lift. I wanted to freshen up and change before the mission. Jayde stepped into the turbolift next to me.
There was a moment of silence until she finally spoke, “You did exceptionally well for a student who’s never been very proficient in hand-to-hand combat.”
“I picked up some stuff from you,” I answered shortly, looking at her. She knew many different combat styles, including Teras Kasi, and I had picked up some of the moves just from watching.
“If you want to learn more, I’d be willing to teach you,” she offered, looking at him. “You let yourself doubt in that last fight though, and that was almost your downfall.”
I nodded. “I know, Master, I noticed it myself. I shouldn’t have lifted my blindfold. As for learning some more unarmed proficiency, I would appreciate that,” I replied.
“You do know your father is going to be there, right Strider?” she asked in an abrupt change of subject.
“Yes…I do know, Master, what are you insinuating?” I questioned, looking at her with confusion.
“Do you think you can pull it off by yourself?” she asked curiously, as if expecting it would be hard for me to face my own father.
“You aren’t coming along to help?” I asked, although already knowing the answer.
“No, I have to go back and help with distribution of supplies.” She responded concisely.
“I’ll be fine,” I simply replied.
There was an awkward moment of silence between us.
“Think the mission will succeed?”
“We’ll find out.”
Well that wraps up Chapter 3. Hope you all liked it. Let me know what you think, I'll get to work on chapter 4 sometime this week.
Great Yet again, just don't take too long
Thanks, I've got less and less time than I'd like to work on these chapters than I'd like, so 4 might not be up until Friday, at the latest. I'll try and update on a Monday, Wednesday, and Friday schedule for now, if I don't have it done on one of those scheduled days then I'll see if I can get it up the following. I'm glad you're all enjoying it as of right now, I intend to take this as far as I can.
And how far do you think that is? To Sith Hunter times and beyond? (or are the Sith Hunters even in your 'Chronicles of Flamehart'? :p
but ya, good story... update as soon as possible... and by that I mean now :p actually, just whenever you can is great. :)
Well, as much as I'd love to include the Sith Hunters, I really can't remember much that went on in that RPG. If you want to give me a lowdown or something in a PM or something, I'd be glad to include it when I get to that section. Also, to answer the other question, I intend these Chronicles to cover 6 parts:
1. Strider as a Jedi
2. Strider's exile and later conversion to the Sith
3. Strider/"Craig" leaving the Sith and becoming a Sith Hunter
4. "Craig" becoming a Mercenary, and a few of his missions during that time, in this forum and other ones I've thought up.
5. "Craig"/Strider during his adventures in the Unknown Regions of space, aka the place where Revan and one of his followers disappeared to in the KOTOR games, with my own twist on it.
6. Strider's return to the New Jedi Order and the missions he partakes in during that.
Ugh... that RPG was terribly insane... the only good things that came out of it were Craig and Jokemaster... I'll think up a history of the Sith Hunters, write a bit of it, and get back to you on that. :)
That'd be great. Make up whatever you like for my character, just know he was one of the only Sith Hunters to get away before the Implants took full effect, so therefor never really turned on the Jedi. Otherwise, long as you don't kill him, you can use it however you like.
Good... they'll be training against Jedi the Sith caught for that purpose and he'll sort of hold back, taking care of the combat droids rather than the real people... how's that?
Sure, sounds fine with me.
I met the men in the apartment complex, I was wearing some darker Jedi tunic than normal, the cloth that runs along the front, the tabards, were instead of cloth, metal-plated for blaster protection. I wasn’t taking any chances, despite my own skill being more than well enough. The men listened attentively while I discussed the battle plan. “This apartment complex is close enough to the ceiling of the city hall for us to access the building from the roof. We’ll take the rooftop access door and go down, working our way to the conference room. I want you nine to split up and find a way to surround the conference room. The blueprints show there’s four entrances to the conference room. I want you men to split up into groups of three, and I’ll take the fourth door. Do not make any loud commotion if you can help it, and absolutely do not set off the alarms. Am I clear?”
The soldiers responded with a firm “yes sir,” and that was it. We moved to the rooftop of the apartments, and making use of the clever structure work in the city of Kyron, made our way over to the roof of the city hall. I attempted to open the door, and found it locked. One of the men started to move past me and attempt to plant an explosive, but I stopped him. “On a take down mission this would be smart, but the explosion will alert the guards. I have a much more efficient method.” The soldier nodded and backed away. I lifted my hand and waved it in front of the door, calling upon the Force. A click sound went off, and I opened the door. “Too easy, they need to invest in more security measures.” I grabbed my lightsaber hilt from my belt and walked down the stairs, the soldiers followed suit behind me. When we got onto the right level, we moved into the hallways, I called upon the Force to distract the guards’ minds so the resistance solders could move behind them and render them unconscious with a swift blow to the back of the neck with the blaster rifle stocks. The guards fell to the ground instantly, as if their legs collapsed from under them. We moved swiftly, until suddenly we heard footsteps coming from all directions. In moments, we were surrounded by the building’s armored elite security. My lightsaber was in my hand and activated in an instant, and my comrades had their weapons poised for combat.
“Drop your weapons and we won’t have any messes,” spoke one of the guards, aiming his blaster rifle at me.
My eyes darted around, counting the number of opponents in my head. There were twenty of them around us, and only ten of us. I brought my lightsaber to a defensive position. “Take two each men.” I ordered. Suddenly confusion swept over me, as I heard movement. I turned to see my nine men now facing me with guns poised.
“This is the end of the line, Jedi. You seriously thought that we didn’t have insiders in the resistance,” spoke the voice of the security team’s leader.
“If this is how it’s going to be, so be it,” I responded, bringing my lightsaber back to a defensive position, and now closing my eyes once more. I drew the Force into the room, feeling it’s energy swell up inside of me.
I heard a single sound of the first laser being ejected from a blaster rifle, playing in slow motion in my ears. My arms and legs were already moving. I moved forward towards the nine men that were once under my command, bringing my lightsaber already to where the blast was, deflecting it. Many other sounds went off, and my hands moved in a swift motion. I felt like everything was moving in slow motion, the blaster rifles sounding off slowly, the movement of the bolts coursing towards my body sluggishly, but my body moving in real time, getting to the blasts before they get to me, knocking them away, moving in a blur. I pushed off the ground with my feet and leaped high into the air, doing a single somersault and landing in the middle of the nine traitors. My arms moved in a blur to them, almost so fast that it left an after image of where they had been before as I swiftly started to disarm or dispatch of the men. It wasn’t long before those nine were down on the ground, rendered incapable of combat, incapacitated, or dead. I heard several more sounds now, many more. The other twenty had opened fire. I had no opportunity to move anywhere, so I stood my ground and moved my arms, my lightsaber blade almost one long blur as I moved it all around myself, deflecting bolts everywhere.
For several minutes the fire I was under was nonstop. My arms were moving in a blur, the pain from doing it for so long was starting to swell in my upper arms. Finally there was a cease in fire, and my lightsaber was lowered to my side as I inhaled and exhaled deeply, barely able to move in my sweat-drenched tunic.
I could see it without opening my eyes. The guards were in astonishment. There was no way concentrated fire for so long could have been defended against by a single Jedi. I can’t explain how I had the ability to pull this off myself. I had trained many a day in the blindfolded test in the Jedi Temple, and apparently that training had paid off. I had my eyes closed for so long now, had I not kept a mental image of the room, I’d have forgotten where I was. I could sense considerably less life force in the room. I must have killed a few guards while deflecting. I took this time now to raise my left hand and take some of the Force energy I had gathered up and hurled it at one of the groups of security guards, creating a powerful Force Push effect. They were floored, as suddenly I turned around and rushed at another group, swinging my lightsaber furiously, taking them down in moments. I heard blaster fire going off again. My eyes still closed, I leaped up and kicked off of the nearest wall, launching myself towards the next group. I swung my lightsaber in a criss-cross motion in front of me, deflecting any bolts headed my way as I landed in the middle of them. I proceeded in dispatching them as well, decapitating limbs or disarming completely. I ignored their screams of pain, knowing that I really had no other choice, and leaped at the third group, who were now getting back up from the Force push. The fourth one already had moved in with the other three being they had lost so many. I felt a blaster bolt singe the cloth of my tunic as I landed behind them and ran the lightsaber blade through the chest of the guard who did it. I pulled it out and swung around, slaying any of them close enough to the blade. There was one last soldier left, backing away while firing. I deflected the blasts out of the way and kicked the man in the chest, knocking him down. I put the lightsaber blade to his neck after slashing his blaster rifle, and said to him in a harsh tone, “Take whoever else I’ve left alive, and get out of here.”
I turned and left towards the conference room, opening my eyes. I got to the first door leading into the conference room, and instead of opening the lock, I simply slashed downwards on the wooden doors, causing the lock to melt and the doors to swing open from the sheer force of the slash. All the board members turned, alarmed, except for one, who seemed to have been giving an oral presentation, just smiled at me as I walked in.
“Hello, Strider Flamehart,” said the man in a sharp, audible voice.
“You’ve been expecting me?” I asked, hiding the surprise inside me.
“For many years now, I’ve been waiting for your return so you can see the wonderful things I’ve done for our home world,” he said in a very propaganda like manner.
“You call this wonderful? I didn’t come here to side with you, I came here to take control and set things right,” I said back in a firm tone.
“Why do that when you could simply join me, and gain power beyond anything those Jedi can teach you?”
“It’s not power I seek. It’s justice. The Sith’s reign of Kyron is over. You’re coming with me…father.”
Whoa! didn't see that coming! :) Nice... was a little short, but still good. Keep up the good work.
Was shorter than I intended, but it made it's point. Chapter 5's gonna be considerably longer.
Looking forward to it :)
Wow, great, I love it please update soon. keep it up.
Yeah, I've been kinda burdened with some life issues so my motivation to work on this has lessened. I haven't touched it in a few days, but rest assured I shall when I can. I won't let this idea die out before it comes into execution. I just need some time to sort out some life stuff. Nothing life threatening or anything, just enough to keep my attention distracted and I'm sorry for it.
Course, now y'all are gonna give me the "Oh no take your time life is more important."
Well personally I like this writing and everything better because given current conditions it allows me to escape the burdening nature of my life, so I'd really MUCH rather be doing this. If I can get some writing done today or tomorrow, I'll have it up by Thursday, but no guarantees.
[Edit: Just noticed an unintentional typo that I must've made when transitioning from conceptual thought process to the word document. It was in early on, Strider and his Master are supposed to be the same age, 19. I just edited the initial post and fixed it.]
Sorry for lack of updates. I'm currently working on Chapter 5 but I'm debating on whether or not to sift the story to the third person view. I want to do this because I realize I can describe the surroundings in scenes better because I'm not limited by the narrator's senses. I want to know what you guys think. The story will still be centralized around Strider's views, but itll be told in third person instead of first, so I can describe environmental stuff better.
Dude... she's my age... is she cute? :p
Dude cmon man, she's a fictional story character, haha.
I'd say she's fairly attractive, which is going to of course lead to other problems later.
Now enough about her, what be your opinion about third person? haha.
ok, ok... third person's a good idea... it is definitely harder to write in first (I speak from experience)
Oh, and as for her being a fictional character... well, if not one of them, who can I fall in love with :p
I just feel more limited, that's why. But I'll try in third, and I'll probably have Chapter 5 up by tonight or tomorrow. Let's see how it goes.
Nearly every fictional thing I write is in third person... so much easier that way, believe me.
You can do what you want with your story to make it better flamehart if you feel you can improve with third person it's fine I'm writing NYPD vendetta and it's totally sucking up till now, but well first you fail to improve, or at least that's just me....hehe they say we girls can't write action stuff, I think I'm proving the point....hehehe, we'll don't matter just keep up the good work.. ;)
I read some of it when I had the chance, I actually think it's pretty good. I didn't get the chance to read the whole thing, and when life doesn't have me bogging down and I have some more time on my hands, I'll give it a go and see what all you have there.
Chapter 5 is definately transitioning to 3rd person, I'm having alot more fun with it.
Actually, WJ, alot of authors claim first person is the easier POV to take. XD (Because it can be alot easier to get the reader attached to your character due to the intimacy of seeing what goes on in his/her head.)
Actually, though, a great technique of 'fixing' a story when you just can't figure out what's wrong with it is to rewrite it from a different point of view :)
DarkEmpress - I dunno, in the novel workshop class that's currently consuming my life, alot of really good action stuff is written by girls. XD
Because I am putting off writing up my OWN story - well, novel chapter - that I need to submit for a workshop on Tuesday, I've decided to take it upon myself to critique this entire story as if it was a manuscript I got from a member of that workshop. As such I am going to quote the entire thing and insert comments where I have them, for lack of a printed manuscript to write on. XD
Note: Because I am a bad, bad moderator who skims threads to see if there's any problems rather than actually read every page, I don't know anything about this character. So keep that in mind ;)
Also, I don't expect you to listen to me just because I'm a mod. Pretend I'm not a mod for the entire time you read the following. Everything here is just a suggestion, blah blah blah. XD
Since I'm used to critiquing by writing on things, suggestions are inserted in the text and indicated in blue.
I like that Flamehart's gone through so many masters while still being a pretty nice guy, but I'm torn as to whether I believe that or not... I mean, Anakin was worse, and he really only had only one master. Still, not every Jedi is like Obi-Wan, so I'm willing to believe it. XD
A suggestion on the first chapter: Why not give us that information from Flamehart's point of view? You still get the info across, and we can get insight into Flamehart's character from how he comments on it.
More later >_>
I also like the whole lifting-the-blindfold thing, etc.
The Lead Council Member doesn't come off realistically. He's playing the role of the stereotypical Idiot Militaristic Authority Figure; but he doesn't have any logic behind his "Follow my orders! No questioning!" rantings, and people who say those kind of things always do have reasons, even if they're flawed ones. Also, Flamehart's parting jab - "Well it’s quite obvious a leader as old as yourself can’t either" isn't, well, obvious or insightful enough to get the LCM to suddenly give in. Clearly the LCM thinks he's just fine with the whole decision making thing, so why would this "kid" (if he REALLY would be thinking of a Jedi as just a "kid") saying he can't, make any difference?
On the other hand, Flamehart and Jayde come off pretty realistically, and I like their characters. :)
I wonder if there actually is a special reason for the Resistance Council members acting as quickly/prematurely as they are.
Okay, one more chapter. :D
The thing with situations that don't happen in quite the way that you expect, due to factors we don't know about at the time, is that you want to have the lead character (whose POV/head we're in) point this out, at least in thought. That way the reader thinks "okay, this isn't just a flaw in the plot, the author knows what he/she is doing and this will be explained later".
Okay, and another thing that bugged me... Flamehart's dad has terribly cliched dialogue. It would be nice to see him given a little more depth than "I'm evil, join me!" The best villains always have more depth than the cliche.
You can totally have the whole "join me and we shall RULE THE GALAXY (or THE PLANET or THE CITY or just THIS COUNCIL even)" thing, but you need to build up to it. Daddy needs to present his case and we need to get a sense of his motivations (besides I'M EVIL) first.
I still like Flamehart, and his singlemindedness is presented pretty effectively without coming off as boring. This isn't terribly easy to do. :)
I realize this is a short story, but the plot is going a bit fast. It might help if the non-actiony scenes were fleshed out a bit - specifically the dialogue sequences, which I think you let slide a bit. :D
Hm. I think I may have overdone this critiquing thing. Well... er... I hope this helps! :p
edit: Last comments:
Of course, I may be misunderstanding - maybe you just want to show stuff in the story going on that Strider doesn't know about? In that case, go for it.
Wow, thanks for the pointers.
As for saying I wish to add more detail into the environment, I just want to sift to third person because I can simply say more about what's going on around the Strider may or may not notice. Also, on top of that, it may be written in a third person perspective, but it's still going to focus on Strider, and will probably rarely invade the thoughts of other characters. I forget what the technical name for that kind of third person is, but that's what I'm aiming for. My reasoning for writing in third person is it feels awkward using I or something every other sentence, because it sound's a bit redundant to me, I don't know if it's supposed to or not, but I think it's just a personal quirk with me and that's why I don't like writing my opinion on school related essays <_< >_>
As for some of your comments, you're right about me not spanning the dialogue enough, and that's why I skipped over some information about the rooftop structureowrks and such, because I purely just don't have a good enough mental image of it to write about it. I do intend to go back through these chapters some other time and add more stuff to them, particularly third and fourth because they're the longest and I was experimenting with the actual story itself, since the introductory chapters were over.
I see your geeky nitpick, and you know I was wondering if and when someone would point that out, I just didn't have the first time to go back and change it. I wasn't thinking of the technical fanatics that might read this, but it definitely did cross my mind.
As for your comment regarding when they were moving in, no that was the order I intended. They were moving down a staircase towards the right level, then they opened those doors and moved into the hallways.
Thanks for also pointing out some of the more redundant and seemingly contradicting parts in the dialogue, I'll do my best to clean those up. As for Strider being surprised, it was because they were more expecting literally him, not just any random Jedi.
Oh crap. Halfway through typing this I scrolled up more and realized your critiqued the other chapters too. I'll look through those too when I get the chance. Thanks for the tips and pointers.
Also, just so you know, I'm not trying to be a professional writer or anything. I'm writing this sheerly for fun, so I do expect there to be errors, but in all the critique is greatly appreciated, and I'll take those tips into mind when I continue writing the fifth chapter. Feel free to continue with the critique, and I realize I did leave out some things that I should have included in Strider's thoughts, because as you said, there were some things it seems he should have noticed or didn't react properly to. I have no explanation other than the fact I really wasn't focusing on dialogue as much. As for Strider's father, yeah I was told by several others he came off sounding cliché, but I do have reasoning for this. Namely, he was in a room full of directors. Had he said something less...zealous regarding the Sith, they'd question his motive. I do realize that by this point they're cornered by a Jedi and his motives mean jack diddly in that situation, but in the case of event that they did survive and the Sith did win, Strider's father wouldn't want them to be able to turn on him and tell the Sith he went soft because it was his son. Hope that makes sense. Now that I actually wrote that here, I need to include that in the dialogue in the fifth chapter.
Also, the council leader was rather brash, because hes rather young and isn't used to feeling less superior than another. You'll see a much more compromising, agreeable side of him in chapter 5 when he sees Strider return and deliver his report about what happened.
And maybe due to the fact that all of my RP characters are girls? :p
It's funny really... I've tried writing guys and have rather enjoyed it, but either they die or the RP dies... sorta strange, but I've accepted it and fallen into the pattern that keeps me participating:D
And, yeah, I realize all this isn't meant to be published or anything. :D
WJ: It's not just that - it's your writing style. I've noticed you tend to write girls like alot of girls I know write girls (except with a little less guy-obsessing ;))
heh... Red, you're making me want to add a brother for Elaina and Tanara to PTH :p
The cliché of the dialogue has an explanation
9 times out of 10 it resulted from I had a planned out dialogue beforehand, as in when I started the chapter, and by the time I got to the point where I would actually use it, I either forgot it or something in real life distracted me from it and I forgot what it was, so had to throw in something cliché and easy to think up until I could revise it later, which I will. I'm going to go to writing Chapter 5 now, I shouldn't be too much longer. I'll start adding some of the suggestions into play as I continue writing, but I won't go back and fix any errors at the beginning of Chapter 5 until I decide to go back and revise.
FINALLY...finished PART ONE of Chapter 5. I intend to expand more into the "shift of power" onto the planet, but I -really- wanted to get an update out the door just so you guys and girls could get an idea of where it's going. I present to thee, part one of Chapter 5.
Shift of Power
Strider walked into the conference room of the resistance. He seemed furious. His angry presence was so powerful it could have been felt by the board even before he entered the room. The lead council member stood up and greeted Strider.
“I heard about what happened from the message you sent before you got back, I had no idea the men were insiders,” he said quickly and in an attempted reassuring tone. He then asked in a surprised tone, after thinking about it, “Now that I think about it though…how did you get out of there alive?”
“Their blasters were no match for my abilities,” Strider simply answered. He was furious, and even though his outward expression was calm and emotionless, it was evident still in the swiftness of his movements. Strider closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. He wanted to hit something, to tear something apart, to ventilate his anger on something, but he knew better. He knew what these emotions could lead to. He took a deep breath and tried to let it out. He opened his eyes and looked at the council leader. “I captured the board of directors. They’re being taken into the holding cells. What you decide to do with them is your choice,” said Strider.
“What do you mean our choice? Do you not want a say? After all this is your home planet too Strider,” questioned the council leader.
“I want nothing to do with them,” Strider retorted. “My father betrayed my home world, and this was the result. For that, I…” Strider paused. He sensed his Master’s presence in the room. He turned his head slightly and saw his Master in the corner of his eye in the doorway.
“For that you what, Strider?” Jayde asked in a curious tone, her arms folded and giving Strider a penetrating stare with her emerald green eyes.
“I couldn’t care less about what happens to him, that’s what,” finished Strider. He turned to face Jayde. “He turned this planet over to the Sith for his own personal gain,” he said, fuming once more.
Jayde walked forward and looked at Strider. She was slightly shorter than him by a few inches, causing her to have to look upward slightly. “Relax. Maybe you should confront him, Strider, and find out his motives. He’ll talk to you if he thinks you’re willing to listen. If you can get him to admit everything he’s done, then that’ll just make this planet’s appeal to the Senate for aid that much easier when they hear a confession,” she suggested. Her voice seemed to echo wisdom in Strider’s ears.
“Maybe I’ll do that,” agreed Strider, breaking her penetrating gaze. It felt as if she was drilling into his head sometimes, and he knew very well she could see what he was thinking at times anyway. He was never very good at blocking his mind, a trait he would have to work on later. He walked past Jayde, heading into the lift and taking it down to go to the holding cells.
When he arrived, the former officials were still there, thankfully, and being watched by much more reliable guards. Strider walked down through the monotone gray holding cells, the hum of the containment fields loudly evident due to their older models, walked around a few corners, until he finally came face to face with his father, located in a secluded cell from the rest of the board members.
Strider shared a striking resemblance with his father. They both had messy black hair and similar facial features and skin tone. Strider almost felt like he was staring at his future self. “To think I’m going to grow up to look something like that…I just hope I don’t end up like him,” thought Strider.
His father was the first to decide what to say, “You must not judge me by what I said in the meeting room, Strider. I was surrounded by the board. If I hadn’t given you that alternative offer or if I had acted soft in any way, I would have been ratted out by those buffoons to the Sith, and I’d be –…”
“How could you do what you’ve done to this planet?” Strider interrupted firmly, looking at his father with fire in his blue eyes.
“It was either side with them or die, son. Which would you have rather I done?” asked Strider’s father, looking at him questioningly.
“I would have preferred you resist and die trying. Kyron had far capable technology to fight off a Sith invasion. But instead you sat around like idle fools and let yourselves be taken over, no questions asked,” Strider replied, glaring at his father.
Their voices echoed off the metal walls of the underground prison as they spoke to each other, the other board members, however, were too secluded from each other for any of them to be able to hear any of the conversation. Strider’s fists were clenched, and his steady, drilling glare wasn’t helping Strider’s father come up with words of persuasion any easier.
“W-Well, y-you see son, there was profit to be gained…. I figured that with the money I earned I could… later b-buy Kyron’s freedom from the Si-…” stuttered Strider’s father.
“He expects me to buy such an impractical, foolish idea?” thought Strider. “Then you’re even more a fool than I thought, father,” interrupted Strider, “The Sith have no interest in money. On top of that, I know you too well. You’re doing it for profit only. You don’t care about this planet. You just want more money for yourself; you’ll abandon Kyron once it loses its worth and go to the next planet.”
“You…You don’t know what I’ve been trying to do here for Kyron, son! I’m your father! I have nothing but the best interests for this planet! Don’t you get it? I’ve been secretly trying to develop my own scheme against the Sith,” Strider’s father started to shout, trying to get Strider to believe him.
“Shut up,” said Strider, “I’ve heard enough of your lies about your attempts to save this planet. Even as a child I didn’t find you very trustworthy.” Strider paused, and then asked another question, changing the topic, “What happened to my mother? Is she still alive or did your foolish decisions cause her to die?”
“That’s something you’ll have to ask the council here…She left me long ago.” Strider’s father said solemnly, looking away.
Strider blinked. “The council…? Why would they know about her whereabouts?” Strider thought. He looked back at his father and spoke again, “The Sith are coming crashing down, father, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. I suggest you figure out what to do with what’s left of your time, because I sure as heck will not be around to save your sorry rear.” With that, Strider turned and walked out of the cells. As he went back up the lift, he found Jayde with the rest of the council in the meeting chamber, where he had left them.
Jayde greeted Strider as he returned and questioned him, “Welcome back Strider. Well, what did you find out?”
Strider shrugged and responded, “He’s clearly guilty of what he’s done. He tried to persuade me that he’s been trying to develop a plan against the Sith. It’s a lie; I can see it in his expression. On top of that, he was using the planet as a profitable gain from the Sith.”
Jayde and the council leader nodded. Finally, the council leader said, “We’re going to start mobilizing our men against the Sith. It’ll be some time before they’re all in position. You have two hours to do what you wish, we will send someone to retrieve you once our men are in place and the battle plan decided.”
Jayde responded, “Thank you, sir. I’m sure Strider and I can do something within two hours to prepare.” She bowed lightly to the council leader, who bowed in return and left the room with the rest of the council. Jayde turned and faced Strider once again. “Ready for your first lesson in unarmed combat?” She offered.
Strider shrugged, “Sure…why not? I’ll ask the leader about my mother later. I need to focus on the situation at hand. Besides, the training can’t be that bad,” he thought, and tossed his cloak aside, walking past her and crossing to the other side of the room. He started to take his lightsaber off his belt and toss it aside, but Jayde interrupted him.
“Hold onto it. Set it to training level.” Jayde instructed.
Strider nodded and simply turned around. “What’s she up to?” he wondered. He brought his lightsaber up to his normal battle stance; his body and head turned sideways and the blade held at a slight tilt at shoulder-level.
[Off topic note: For those who’ve played Knights of the Old Republic, Revan’s stance in the flashback sequence of the fight between Bastila and Revan]
“Make your move, my apprentice,” she beckoned, moving into a defensive stance, no lightsaber drawn.
Strider moved forward and swung downward with his lightsaber at Jayde, his swing so swift, if Jayde had blinked, she’d have missed it.
However, Jayde didn’t blink, and was already moving. Her foot stepped back, allowing her body to turn sideways out of harm’s way, then she kicked upwards with the same back foot and knocked Strider’s hand out of the way. Using the same foot, she then kicked downward at one of Strider’s shins, causing him to stumble onto one knee. Then she proceeded on stepping beside him and delivering an elbow-strike to his back, knocking him onto his front.
Strider grunted, turning his head slightly to see Jayde walk around him. “How the heck did she do that…?” He thought. “I’ll get her this time…” He rolled onto his back and jumped back up feet-first. He swung again in a triple slash combo at Jayde. Jayde dodged each one, then leaped up and kicked Strider in the chest, causing him to stumble back. Strider grunted and jabbed forward with his lightsaber in another attacking attempt. Jayde leaned to the side to dodge it, then grabbed Strider’s wrist and twisted it, causing him to drop his lightsaber. The lightsaber deactivated, and Jayde kicked it aside with her foot, causing it to tatter against the floor and land next to Strider’s robe.
Strider groaned as he stood again, looking at his master, his breathing uneven, “How did you…” he breathed in, trying to catch his breath, then continued, “pull something like that off?” he questioned.
“I don’t have time to teach you any technique, but maybe you’ll learn something from this. Watch your enemy’s muscle movement; it’ll usually give away what they’re going to do next. Surely you’ve learned this from learning how to tell which direction someone is going to fire a blaster bolt deflection as well. Same thing applies. All you have to do is think if your own creative way of taking their attack and turning it against them. I’ll teach you some more technique and actual moves when we have more time to train for it back at the Academy. I know some Teras Kasi, and some other forms of unarmed combat. I figure no one better to teach it all to than my own apprentice that way the information gets passed along. I expect you to teach your apprentice with the same idea in mind.”
Strider nodded, and answered with a strict formality he personally didn’t prefer to use, but felt it highly appropriate given this situation.
“Yes, Master Averre.”
He bowed lightly, then continued, “I’ll take what you have said into mind.”
Moments later footsteps were heard echoing off the marble floor as the council leader approached them. “Master Averre, Jedi Flamehart, our men have started moving. They’re resisting against the Sith authorities at all city checkpoints and stations. They’ve started the fight back. It’s not going as smoothly as planned, of course, and I’m hoping that you would choose to join them on the field to help,” he reported.
Strider thought for a minute, his blue eyes wandering the room for a moment. He then looked at the leader and asked, “What exactly is your plan of action?”
“We know that the Sith will send several of their largest battle cruisers to crush the resistance once we take back the city. Kyron has some small Sith fighters in a secured hangar. They have codes that would allow them to dock with the battle cruisers. We’ll use those ships to board the Sith cruiser, and then we’ll then take them out with high grade explosives. During this, one of our other teams will work to reprogram the planetary defenses online to protect us from future Sith attack,” stated the council member. “Does that all check out for you, Flamehart?” he asked.
Strider nodded, using the Force to summon his lightsaber from the ground and into his hand. “That sounds perfectly fine to me. Let’s take back the planet.”
And so ends the first part of chapter 5. The second part will include the battle scene on the streets, and their hostile takeover of a Sith battlecruiser. Basically, Chapter 5 will conclude the end of Sith reign on Kyron, then Chapter 6'll probably finish up with Kyron and end with Strider & Jayde being debriefed on this mission. The next few chapters will probably deal with some time Strider spends at the Temple, just so you guys have an idea of what to be anticipated for. Hope you enjoy this first part of chapter 5, I tried to expand some dialogue a bit, attempted to keep my character's single-minded nature while sifting to third person. Let me know how you think it played out. If more people preferred first person than third, let me know. I wasn't as descriptive as I could have been in the training scene seen in this chapter, because I was really wanting to get this chapter out the door for you guys to read.
When I go back to revise the chapters, I'll include some more finer detailed points, and depending on which "person" perspective got more approval, I'll change and edit them accordingly. What I mean is, if third person got more approval, I'll revise 1-4 in that manner. If first person did, I'll revise 5 and on with first person in mind. Hope you all enjoy.
It's going great so far but I feel the transition to third person was a little too drastic, but it doesn't mean it's not great because it is... keep it up.... :)
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