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igyman 07-12-2006 07:50 AM

[Fic] The True Teachings: Heir of Darkness
 
Before we begin:

Well, I've finished my first fanfic, so it's time to post it. As you will see it takes place during the Yuuzhan Vong occupation of Coruscant. Now, as some of you may know, I'm a guy who never read a Star Wars book in his life, so those of you who did, please forgive if this doesn't fit into the original story too well. I found all of the information about the Yuuzhan Vong and that part of the storyline here and here. Now, I know most of you don't like the Yuuzhan Vong for some reason, but I find them interesting and I hope my fresh (or uninformed, if you like) view on them will make you like my version of them too.

Now, on with the story... :)

igyman 07-12-2006 07:52 AM

Heir of Darkness

Prologue

It is a time of great despair in the galaxy. The transformation of Coruscant into Yuuzhan'tar is long since finished, the surviving Jedi of Yuuzhan'tar are in hiding and are constantly being hunted by the relentless Yuuzhan Vong warriors.

Ralik was a Commander in the Yuuzhan Vong Warrior caste and though he was a dedicated soldier, he has always been forced to fight for the respect of even the lower ranked soldiers. This was due to the fact that he was a half-breed. Although his appearance was more Yuuzhan Vong than human, he had a human mother and a Yuuzhan Vong father, but he was no child of love.

His father was a brute soldier named Jurga who enjoyed hunting down the Jedi, torturing them and humiliating them in the most disgusting ways that he could think of.
One such hunt was after a Jedi woman named Vaana Lorn. After he defeated her and destroyed her lightsaber, Jurga decided that the death of this young woman wouldn't satisfy him, so instead he raped her and just left her there, barely alive. He thought it to be the ultimate humiliation for a Jedi.
A year later, in a raid on one of the Jedi hideouts on Yuuzhan'tar, a half-breed child was found and brought and raised in the Warrior caste.

Over the years Ralik had become a fierce warrior, eventually earning the rank of Commander, despite the fact that he wasn't a pure-blooded Vong.

Niner_777 07-12-2006 10:09 AM

Good start, igyman. That was an interesting prologue, lol, but it made sense. I'll be reading this.

spoiler:
Btw, check my sig. ;)


You might like it.

Diego Varen 07-12-2006 11:03 AM

Nice Prologue igyman. I'll be looking foward to more (Because I don't know about the Yuuzhan Vong). Thanks for the replies in my Fics, so I'll take a look at them now.

RC-1162 07-12-2006 12:03 PM

Jurga was indeed an a-hole ;)

good start, igyman. although i hate the Vong, i'll be focusing on the way you write, so dont think that i wont post :)
and does Ralik have force-sensitivity?

igyman 07-12-2006 01:05 PM

Thanks for the initial comments people. I appretiate them.
@RC: You'll know the answer to that in the first chapter. Just be patient. I'll post it soon enough, until then I don't want to spoil it. :)

Lord Konohomaru 07-12-2006 04:04 PM

Nice start I'll be looking forward to the next chapter. Also plz take a look at either of my fanfics, the one with the link in my sig or Clone Trooper Jedi.

igyman 07-12-2006 04:51 PM

Thanks for the feedback, Lord Konohomaru. I took a look at your ''Clone Trooper Jedi'', you can read my comment on it there.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll post the first chapter, hope you guys read it and comment it. Be honest, but not brutal. :) It's my first fic and if you find something you don't like, don't hold back to tell me.

T.Nova 07-12-2006 04:58 PM

Wow... never knew the Vong were so brutal. I look forward to your future entries Igyman. :)

igyman 07-12-2006 05:08 PM

Well, neither did I, but from what I've read about them (those two links from my first post), they definitely seem that way, at least when it comes to Jedi.

igyman 07-13-2006 04:18 AM

Chapter I

An ancient chamber, a dark, hooded figure and the whispered words: ''Welcome to the fold.'' This dream has not woke Ralik up for the first time, infact he has been having the same dream for at least a month. Every night he sat on his bed and thought about it for hours, never being able to understand why he's been having that dream and what it represents.

Unexpectedly, someone knocked on the door of Ralik's chamber, it was a messenger.

''Supreme Commander Xerx demands your presence, Commander Ralik'', the messenger said.

''Now? Ah, very well'', Ralik said, ''Inform the Supreme Commander that I will be in his office in ten minutes.''

The messenger nodded and left. Ralik took his famous battle armor and began to prepare for the meeting.

Ralik's Vonduun crab battle armor was the one thing everyone recognized. He was known more by that armor than by his face. The armor was almost entirely black, but with two vertical red stripes on the torso. The stripes were rumoured to be drawn with the blood of Ralik's fallen enemies. The armor also had two terrifying long vertical spikes coming from the back and shorter ones at the elbows and knees.

Ralik and the Supreme Commander have never been in the best of terms. Xerx's philosophy was ''only a pure-blooded Vong is a true Vong'', which basically meant that he hated half-breeds as much as he hated the species that used mechanical technology, so Ralik knew he shouldn't keep Xerx waiting for too long, no matter how much they despised each other. He put on the armor and left.

RC-1162 07-13-2006 04:53 AM

good chapter, igyman. your writing skilz are very very good, but the chapters are a bit short. any longer ones coming soon?

igyman 07-13-2006 05:23 AM

Yeah, I know, they seemed longer when I typed them in Word. The second chapter isn't longer than this one, but there are longer ones. Right now there are five more short chapters (of course, they aren't all in a row), but I'll try to make them longer since this really is too short.

Lord Konohomaru 07-13-2006 08:40 AM

Maybe you should take your collection of short chapters and combine them into one or two large chapters. It cirtinly would make it look like your a better writer by having more content (at first glance I mean, because your story's great).

igyman 07-13-2006 08:50 AM

Thanks for the suggestion. I've already managed to prolong some chapters, I'll see what I'm going to do with the rest.

Lord Konohomaru 07-13-2006 08:55 AM

A question igyman, will you be having any battlescenes in the next few chapters?

igyman 07-13-2006 09:14 AM

There will be a kind of battle in the third chapter, after that there's one in the fifth and the sixth chapter, I won't go into details, because I don't want to spoil the story for you.

Yaggles 07-13-2006 09:16 AM

Sounds like it will be a good story. I can't wait to see what you have coming up next! :)

Niner_777 07-13-2006 09:18 AM

Great job. Keep it up.

Diego Varen 07-13-2006 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by igyman
Yeah, I know, they seemed longer when I typed them in Word. The second chapter isn't longer than this one, but there are longer ones. Right now there are five more short chapters (of course, they aren't all in a row), but I'll try to make them longer since this really is too short.

I agree with there igyman. Great starting Chapter.

igyman 07-13-2006 01:08 PM

I'm just glad that length is the only problem, 'cause that can be fixed pretty easily.

Lantzen 07-13-2006 03:19 PM

Good writng, and like the other said, longer chapter. But don't make them to long, that is annoying, IMO

igyman 07-14-2006 03:48 AM

Chapter II

Xerx's office was filled with battle trophies, weapons and armor taken from dead enemies. Xerx liked to keep them there to serve as a reminder of the Yuuzhan Vong biot supremacy over the ''mechanical abominations''.

Ralik arrived to find Xerx grinning with satisfaction. ''He must have found another petty asignment with which to waste my time'', Ralik thought to himself, ''No matter. I can wait, for one day I'll be the Supreme Commander and then the Warmaster, and when that happens I'll be playing that arrogant fool, Xerx like a mere puppet! He'll regret his present actions! One day.''

''There you are, Ralik'', Xerx said in a calm arrogant tone.

''As you requested, Supreme Commander'', Ralik replied, trying to hide his disgust for Xerx.

''I have an assignment that requires your special attention'', Xerx continued.

''Ah, there it is'', Ralik thought to himself, ''Just as I suspected, another stupid errand, hardly worthy of my time. Oh Xerx, you are so predictable.''

''Our scouts have found another Jedi hideout and I want you to go there and dispose of the heretics'', Xerx said calmly, but in his mind he was laughing with enormous satisfaction.

''With all due respect, Supreme Commander'', Ralik opposed, ''I feel that my skills are wasted on hunting these local... troublemakers! Any Commander can handle that assignment!''

''Do you now, Ralik?'' Xerx replied as if he was expecting this kind of reaction, ''You are a Commander, no different than any other Commander, Ralik. That means you must follow your superior's orders without question! Is that clear?''

Ralik was boiling with anger: ''Now listen here you...'' he started. He was capable of killing Xerx, right then and there, but he managed to control himself. Barely.

''Careful, Ralik'', Xerx replied, ''or you might find yourself suddenly demoted to a mere Warrior.''

''Yes... Supreme Commander'', Ralik said with apparent disgust.

''I'm glad that's settled.'' Xerx added, ''I have an audience with Supreme Overlord Shimrra later today and I wouldn't want to have to tell him that one of our best Commanders couldn't take care of a pack of humans. Now, get out of my sight and don't come back until that hideout and its occupants have been eradicated!''

Ralik nodded, saluted and left angrier than ever. There was nothing to do now but gather the troops.

Niner_777 07-14-2006 09:53 AM

Good chapter. It truely was. Not a whole lot happened, but it sets the scene nicely. Now we know that there is struggle for power, so to speak. I think, if I read it right. :D

Good job.

RC-1162 07-14-2006 10:03 AM

i like your skilz, igyman. i cant wait to see the jedi vs vong confrontation. will there be a fight?
as always, good work! i don't see any problems of what you've written now.

Jae Onasi 07-14-2006 12:25 PM

I like the start. I can't speak to the accuracy of the Vong details because I haven't read the Vong books.
I would add a little more scene description to add color so I can 'see' what's going on. When you can, let the characters talk to each other to give the story instead of you as narrator telling me. If someone is nervous, instead of telling me 'he's nervous', describe what he's doing that shows he's nervous--is he fidgeting? Tapping his foot? That kind of thing. The conversation between Ralik and Xerx was interesting. The only thing that caught my eye was Ralik questioning Xerx openly--in those kinds of society, you could get struck down dead for questioning orders like that.
However, that's a little detail.
Keep writing.

Diego Varen 07-14-2006 12:42 PM

Good Chapter igyman. It might be short, but it makes me want to read the next part and see the battle.

igyman 07-14-2006 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
I like the start. I can't speak to the accuracy of the Vong details because I haven't read the Vong books.
I would add a little more scene description to add color so I can 'see' what's going on. When you can, let the characters talk to each other to give the story instead of you as narrator telling me. If someone is nervous, instead of telling me 'he's nervous', describe what he's doing that shows he's nervous--is he fidgeting? Tapping his foot? That kind of thing. The conversation between Ralik and Xerx was interesting. The only thing that caught my eye was Ralik questioning Xerx openly--in those kinds of society, you could get struck down dead for questioning orders like that.
However, that's a little detail.
Keep writing.

That's a great advice Jae, thanks. I'll work on that. As for the detail about the Vong, as I said in my first post, I'm working with the info from those two sites, so I too have absolutely no idea how accurate it is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pottsie
Good Chapter igyman. It might be short, but it makes me want to read the next part and see the battle.

It will be more a battle of minds, at least the main event will. There is a battle in the background.

One question for all of you: As you've noticed I've been posting one chapter a day. Do you think that's too fast? Should I wait a bit longer before I post the next chapter?

Jae Onasi 07-14-2006 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by igyman
One question for all of you: As you've noticed I've been posting one chapter a day. Do you think that's too fast? Should I wait a bit longer before I post the next chapter?

Depends on how much you're writing and your time schedule. It take me longer because I have a million other things to do, and taking care of young kids and working takes a lot of time, and I write about 3500 words per chapter and angst over how this or that is working. Some of my chapters go faster than others.
If they're done and you've finished your edits, there's no reason to wait.

igyman 07-15-2006 08:49 AM

Chapter III

Ralik arrived at the site with twelve of his best warriors. It was the former industrial quarter of Coruscant, now it has been turned into a network of biot production facilities managed by the Shaper caste. Ralik took his amphistaff and ordered the attack. The warriors stormed in and went for the soldiers and Padawans, as it was ordered. Ralik went for the leader.

The leader of this lot was a Jedi Knight named Sorna Vyr. Apparently she's been stirring up trouble in that part of the planet for months and now her indiscretion finally turned against her.

Sorna was finishing one last meditation before the battle for her life would begin. She could hear the blaster fire and the people's screams in the background. It was very unsettling, even for her. Ralik calmly walked into the chamber, she didn't seem much of a threat to him. The screams didn't seem to bother him.

''So, the oppressor arrives'', Sorna said, sitting as if she were still meditating, ''Your mother would be so disappointed, if she saw you now.''

''Your mind manipulation will not work on me, witch! I am immune to your so-called powers'', Ralik replied confidently.

''Then why do I sense what goes through your mind when you're fast asleep, huh, oppressor? The chamber, the figure and the words, I can sense a glimmer of the Force in your dream. Maybe you're not as immune as you thought?''

As she said this, unsettling thoughts went through Sorna's mind. What if this half-breed could be turned to their cause? At the same time Ralik thought of slightly different things. If he wasn't completely immune to this ''Force'', then perhaps he could find a way to use it. If he knew how to use the Force, no one would dare stand against him. Even that fool, Xerx would tremble before the very mention of Ralik's name.

''You may have a glimmer of the Force inside you, but there is only one place that could unleash your true potential. I speak of the Valley of the Jedi. I will take you to it, if you renounce your masters and join the Jedi in our fight to free the galaxy!'' Sorna suggested, confident that it would work. She had put too much fate in Ralik's human heritage.

''I have a better idea'', Ralik said, ''You will tell me where that valley is and I will give you a painless death!''

''You fool, you should know that Jedi do not fear death! Nothing you do will make me betray the trust given to me by the Order!'' Sorna replied, her voice showed obvious disappointment.

''We shall see'', Ralik thought, but at that instant that same whisper that talked to him in his dream addressed him: ''Torturing her will produce nothing! There is another way. Concentrate, do you feel her thoughts?''

''No... no... yes!!'' Ralik replied the whispering voice in his head.

''Good'', the whispering voice continued, ''Now, concentrate on the Valley of the Jedi and her mind will soon reveal its location.''

Ralik obeyed the voice. As promised, the Valley's location soon became known to him, there was no reason to keep the Jedi alive anymore.

''I have drawn all your secrets from your mind, witch!'' Ralik said confidently, ''I don't need you anymore. Die!!''

Sorna couldn't beleive it. This half-breed actually used the Force against her. Things have turned out worse than she ever imagined. She knew Ralik was serious, she had to do something.

Sorna's lightsaber was standing on a small table at the opposite end of the room. As those words were spoken Sorna Force pulled her lightsaber to her, but Ralik was faster. He threw his amphistaff and stabbed the poor woman right through her heart. Her lightsaber fell halfway to her hand.

RC-1162 07-15-2006 01:01 PM

sweet! i knew Ralik was Force sensitive. i cant wait to see what happens in the Vally fo the Jedi.

just one thing igyman: i dont think the Jedi insult their enemies like that. well, at least as far as i know. so i think the "Fool!" bit was a little un-jedi. :)

looking forward to more! :)

igyman 07-15-2006 01:16 PM

You might be right about the fool part, but I've read that the Jedi of that time divided into those who thought that stopping the Vong is a Jedi's mandate and those who considered such agressive actions to be against Jedi principles. Sorna was one of those more agressive Jedi.

Niner_777 07-15-2006 01:53 PM

Good chapter. I liked how Ralik's mind showed him how to use the force. I wonder if this will come into play later...

Diego Varen 07-15-2006 02:26 PM

Well the New Jedi Order aren't as nice as they used to be... Anyway another good Chapter igyman and I like the mention of the Valley of the Jedi. That was my favourite Planet in DF II. Looking foward to the next Chapter.

JediMaster12 07-15-2006 02:31 PM

I have read igyman's fic and I find it to be a very interesting read. I do agree with Jae that more description is needed to give and idea of facial expressions and feelings. Also I suggest that when you plan out a chapter you might want think about how the events are connected. In my opinion I would have combined chapter's 1 and 2 since they tie together better. The whole dream getting interrupted by a summons and then going to meet the commander. In chapter 3 I was expecting a bit of a fight but it shows an interesting side of your baddie. I am curious as to who is 'whispering in his ear.'
One more suggestion: when you write thoughts, put them in italics. It gives a good indication and differentiation between the spoken word and the thought. I would like to see more so keep posting.

igyman 07-15-2006 02:50 PM

Thanks for the input JM12. The initial problem, as you probably noticed, was that I haven't estimated the length of a chapter correctly, so since they looked long enough in Word, I kept the first two separate, which turned out to be a mistake.
Good suggestion on writing the thoughts in italics, I'm gonna do that in future chapters.

Oh, and one information for all of you (though you've probably noticed it already): There's a notification in my sig on the latest chapter posted, as I post new chapters it will be updated, so you'll always know when new chapters come out.

igyman 07-16-2006 12:16 PM

Chapter IV

Half an hour has passed since Ralik and his troops returned from the raid. Ralik was walking to his quarters more confused than he ever was before. The green colored corridors he was walking through seemed to stretch on to infinity. He had just turned in his report of the raid to Supreme Commander Xerx, of course he left out the part about reading the Jedi's mind with the Force. Xerx was, of course, extremely pleased. Not by the report, but because of how much he managed to annoy Ralik. He was certain that next time Ralik would cross the line.

When Ralik returned to his quarters he spent hours wondering is it really worth it, should he abandon everything he has achieved so far only to learn this heretic magic. He was so certain of what he wanted when he was in that room with Sorna, but now he just couldn't make a decision. He sat on his bed, in his mind the walls of his chamber turned from black and light green colors to a blurry shade of gray. Eventually he fell asleep.

For the first time in the last month the dream didn't repeat itself. He saw the emptiness of space, he started to move through it with amazing speed. Suddenly, a planet appeared before him. He was descending quickly and he soon found himself in a familiar chamber. ''Not this nightmare again.'' Even though Ralik still saw the same ancient chamber and the same dark figure, this time the figure whispered different words.

''Congratulations'', the figure whispered, ''you have taken the first step towards your true destiny.''

''True destiny?'' Ralik asked, ''What are you talking about? What true destiny?''

''I will explain everything in due time'' the figure whispered, ''The first thing you must do now is reach the Valley of the Jedi. You know now where it is. Take a ship and go there, but be warned the Valley is closely guarded by the Jedi.''

''They are not a problem for me'', Ralik replied confidently, ''But my departure will not go unnoticed, the Supreme Commander will surely send Warriors after me.''

''Then you must hurry. You will be vulnerable until you reach the Valley, but when its power unlocks yours, you will easily escape your pursuers'', the figure whispered, ''Now, awaken and go!''

Ralik woke up. He took only the most necessary items with him his armor, his amphistaff and a few ration packs.

The launch bay was ordinarily guarded by five guards. Ordinarily, but in this time of day, early morning to be precise, only two guards were present. The others must have been on a break. Whatever the case, the moment couldn't have been better. He snuck in, waited for the first guard to move away and continued towards some supply crates. The second guard approached the first one, it wasn't a pleasant job guarding these ships, so the guards killed time with conversations, mostly small talk about the events that marked the previous day.

''There's been another raid last night'' the first guard said.

''Yeah, I know'' the second guard replied, ''How many Jedi were there again?'' he continued, trying to prolong this meaningless conversation, it was better than silence, though.

''I heard there were twenty Jedi Knights, lead by a Jedi Master'' the first guard replied with a mild smile, ''and only six of ours.''

''No, that can't be right!'' said the second guard, ''I heard there were seven of ours against thirty Jedi Knights and fifteen soldiers'', the second guard added, as if his information was more accurate.

''So, who lead our brave lot?'' The first guard asked proudly, now actually interested in this topic.

''One of the Commanders.'' The second guard replied, ''I'm not sure what his name was. A friend from Communications told me it was one of Supreme Commander Xerx's underlings'', the guard added proudly.

Ralik had heard these kinds of conversations before, he was already used to them. As the conversation between the two guards continued, they were slowly coming dangerously near the crates behind which Ralik was hiding, so he quickly threw a ration pack in the opposite direction and waited until both guards moved to check what was the disturbance. After the guards left Ralik stole a Yorik-Stronha and left Yuuzhan'tar, unnoticed for now.

Niner_777 07-16-2006 02:25 PM

Good chapter, igyman. I liked how Ralik had the dream telling him what to do. :)

Diego Varen 07-16-2006 03:05 PM

Good chapter igyman. Looking foward to more.

igyman 07-16-2006 03:11 PM

Thanks people. Nobody said anything so I think I've solved the short chapters problem. What do you guys think? Are they long enough, or should I try to prolog the following chapters even more?


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