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The_Catto 12-05-2008 01:16 AM

The Devil Within
This is more like a Short Fic but it will be set into three parts. Here's the first part.


Part One: Beginnings

The smell of burnt flesh hung in the air. He tasted it on the tip of his tongue. He cringed, but not in disgust. It was the cringe of how he admired the smell, of how deranged and twisted he had truly become.

It almost made him laugh out loud.

The Exile, Jonas, made his way down the halls of Malachor V. After destroying his Master, the Jedi Witch, Darth Traya: Or Kreia, as she had become to be known as to him, he made his way back through the halls desecrating it of its taint. The dark side would always be strong here, and he would make sure to keep it that way. This new, stealthiness-and--only-striking-from-the-shadows disgusted him so he made sure he cut down every remaining figure of that pathetic religion.

A Sith Apprentice jumped out from behind a corner and brandished his lightsaber. The Exile almost smiled before he snarled and completely broke into his enemy’s spirit and used the Force to crush it into oblivion. He sent the mind of this pathetic ‘Sith’ into the plane of nothingness. Where there was nothing. Where he would be nothing. And even Nothing itself, was nothing. That is how much he hated this place and its occupants. He wanted to curse them all into this nothingness. To feel what it was like to be lost from the Force. But for them, there would be no coming back, no reconnection, no rebirth; not like what it was for The Exile himself.

The lifeless body fell to the ground and sunk into the floor, disintegrating into ask, then getting blown away by some lifeless wind.

Continuing his walk down the halls, the Exile couldn’t help but think about how he had arrived at this point in his life. About the decisions he had made, and what decisions he would have to make in the future.

He would go after Revan, this was a given. When, however, he did not know. There was so much that was still left to be done before he went gallivanting throughout the Unknown Regions. He thought of his companions.

Atton. He would want to go with him. But he would not let him. He needed Atton to help Visas train the Force Sensitives that Vaklu had promised him for helping with the Onderon War Effort. He would use them to cleanse the galaxy of Sith and Jedi alike. He would build a new society of Force Users.

It would be a society where there were no restrictions to which side you were on. They would learn to use both the Dark and Light sides of the Force.


The very thought of her made the Exile sigh: Half in relief and half in annoyance. She was so devoted to him, so in love, and yet … he got the feeling that she also despised him. He loved her it was true. The Exile and Visas shared something that none of the others could ever understand. But after what he had become, no matter how sure he could think of himself to be that his actions were for right, there were some times where he could barely look himself in the eye. How could he be with anyone when he didn’t even like himself? How could anyone love such a monster?

Another Sith jumped out, and another Sith died.

And another.

And another.

It was tiring work, but work that needed to be done.

‘Stay here, with me,’

He heard these words before. Before he left for Telos to confront that fallen Jedi, Atris. Visas had told him everything that she felt for him there and then. It was surprising. She was such a strong spirit but she was fragile in so many ways. Many thoughts drifted in and out of his during that conversation.

‘I want to see what the Handmaiden sees,’

That made him cringe somewhat. And it also confused him. The last time before that conversation where he had talked with the Handmaiden she had said to him, “Leave me alone. There is nothing for us to discuss,”

It was a threat. That he knew, and he also knew that he could have killed her right then, but he decided against it. She would be useful in the future, that he knew, but what he didn’t know was how useful she would actually be.

He wondered what would have happened if he had killed her. Something that could not have happened no doubt. No use worrying about what could have happened, that was a fool’s dream.

‘Stay here, with me,’

He sighed as he lunged one of the blades of his saber-staff into the abdomen of an oncoming Sith. He brought it upwards and through the body until it erupted from the Sith skull as easily as if he were singing a song.

The exile made his way to the training room. When he opened up the door, he saw three heads turn his way. Smiling, he threw his lightsaber in their direction. The three of them dodged and one came running at Jonas. Rolling to the side, Jonas unleashed a fork of lightning towards the leader of the group. The leader blocked it with his lightsaber but Jonas directed his saber-staff and it sliced the Sith Lord horizontally. The two lots of flesh fell to the ground with a soft ‘thump’.

The two others came at him in unison and blocking one strike to his right, Jonas swept a kick and knocked the Sith to his left, off her feet. He conjured a Force push and sent the Sith on his right slamming into the wall, shattering his spine. Jonas looked back to the Sith woman on the floor and before she could say anything, he made his stroke. Cutting any breath she had left out of her.

‘Pathetic’ He thought to himself as he looked at the surrounding bodies….

Chevron 7 locke 12-05-2008 01:18 AM

Wow is all I have to say. It's a great story in my opinion. I rather disliked the amout of killing, but hey: it's your story. A great story apart from the killing

CommanderQ 12-05-2008 01:26 AM

Awesome Story, Master BFA! Very good indeed! I hope to see more soon!

Endorenna 12-05-2008 01:29 AM

(shiver) Ooo, how I love DS fics! (to quote you ;))

I'll keep an eye on this one. :)

The_Catto 12-05-2008 10:38 PM

Thanks :D .. Next part will be up in a few days.

Darth_Yuthura 12-05-2008 11:23 PM

'Wow' is just so overused, so I'll use 'Remarkable' instead.

What's that?
That was just a figure of... oh fine!

The love/hate relationship with Visas was a great attribute, but if you use 3rd person, why not show her thoughts? It could be like they are polar opposites of the same sphere. She only is dedicated to him because he had suffered a loss as great as hers or worse. She loves him, but despises what she must do to be with him.

Your story, not mine.

The death and apathy for the Sith are a bit difficult to really understand. I would have imagined he would have just treated those assassins like flies... swatting them as they came in, but not really too important to waste time hunting.

I'm not a fan of DS stories, but this has my attention.

Bee Hoon 12-06-2008 09:56 AM

To make up for being constantly left behind for A Dark Path, I shall now give you a super long review (which unfortunately will probably be nitpicky. Poke me if you object!)

Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
...desecrating it of its taint.

Hmm, I don't think desecrating is the right word to use here. It's already tainted, and he's not about to change that!

Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
He sent the mind of this pathetic ‘Sith’ into the plain of nothingness.


Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
...the Force Sensitive’s that...

Sensitive's=sensitives. Ditto with users later in the paragraph.

Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
here were some times that he could barely look himself in the eye.

Anatomically speaking, I can see why that would be a problem :lol:

Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
It was a threat.

Why was it a threat? It sounds cold, yes, but not threatening, imho.

Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
The three of them dodged and one came running at Jonas.

Why didn't all of them come running?

Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
Rolling to the die,

Could you clarify? I'm afraid that I don't get this.

Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
of her feet.


As usual, your DS exile is pretty creepy! I liked the bit about how he wanted them to experience 'nothingness', as well as how he feels nothing but contempt for them. I would have liked to see more of his relationship with Kreia, because she is such a badass character :p I wonder where you'll take this story :)

HIGH ON PIE 14 12-07-2008 12:34 AM

Indeed, I do like DS fics!

I like Jonas' idea to star a completely new order...that what I thought should have been done. He's a smart guy.


The_Catto 12-07-2008 04:14 AM

I'm trying to make the Exile be the way in who I think he should be. (In a total non-canon way, 'course :xp: )

He has complete contempt with the way the Sith were striking before because they were using it against him. He wants to show them that striking fromt he shadows may be a smart move against other opponents but for him, its not. To be frank.
He doesn't like to thing himself to be a Sith or Jedi but he does lean over to the Sith way more often than not and he hates that.

He getting rid of the taint from Malachor, not of the Dark Side, but of the Sith as what he has been battling against the past few months.
It's a complicated layer persona that I'm trying to put across in little bits at a time. Bear with me people, please :lol: I'm trying :xp:

@Beederator: Haha, no poking will be neccessary. Cheers for the in-depth review and I have corrected the mistakes you found. Oh and I was saying that after some of the things that he's done, Jonas is finding it hard to look at himself in a positive light. Not being able to look himself int he eye and reassure himself that everything is OK.
Remember .. complicated persona, haha.

As for Kreia, I was planning on having some involvement of her character in next part so rest assured, :lol:

@D_Y: He's hunting the rest of the Sith down at the Academy because he feels they are a damnnation to the Sith Legacy. They need to be destroyed. As I said before, bear with me and I will explain everything in more detail in the next two parts.

@Chev: Sorry that you didn't like the killing. It was needed however to get my point about the Sith across. Without the killing, how can it be a DS fic? xP

@HoP: Yeahpah, DS fics are the awesomeness! Lol.

LordOfTheFish 12-07-2008 01:26 PM

A very good story, indeed. Well written, good descriptions, intriguing characters. No complaint here.

Good Job! :thmbup1:

Bee Hoon 12-09-2008 08:55 AM


Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
Oh and I was saying that after some of the things that he's done, Jonas is finding it hard to look at himself in a positive light. Not being able to look himself int he eye and reassure himself that everything is OK.

Yep, I got that. It's just that the particular turn of phrase made me imagine his eyeballs straining to look at each other :lol: I suggest fiddling with it a bit, probably with some allusion to mirrors. Or however else he has to face himself and see what he has become!

machievelli 12-11-2008 04:22 PM


Rev7 12-13-2008 02:43 AM

I am a little late, but I like it. Jonas is almost really just contemplating what he has done and sorta how it has affected those around him. I really like it, and I look forward to reading whatever more that you wish to add to it. Nice job, again Mr_BFA! :D

Marius Fett 12-14-2008 12:59 PM

Rev has pretty much said it all I think. :p

Great work, very enjoyable to read. :thumbsup:

Rabish Bini 12-15-2008 10:04 PM


Originally Posted by Rev7 (Post 2565470)
I am a little late, but I like it. Jonas is almost really just contemplating what he has done and sorta how it has affected those around him. I really like it, and I look forward to reading whatever more that you wish to add to it. Nice job, again Mr_BFA! :D

Beat me to it, so I'll just say good work! :thumbsup:

The_Catto 12-16-2008 10:54 PM

Part Two: Fallen

When does a mind become nothing more than a glimpse into a heart that can no longer feel anything other than hate, depravity, lust or fear? Is it after years of mindless killing, or just a second of longing for the ability to forgive? For some people, these things are but for nothing else than just a dream of something different to what has really come to be. A sense of a feeling of just how deeply they’ve fallen into the dark, dark depths of the hole that they have built for themselves as a means of escape. But for some, the hole cannot get deep enough. They continue to dig until even they cannot see the light from above but still they dig. They dig in hope for something, anything, which can relieve them of the burden.

How folly some minds can truly be …


Jonas walked through the rooms and walkways of the Ebon Hawk. Considering the limited selection of tools, Atton and T3 did a considerably well-done job in repairing her exterior and interior. It wasn’t five star accommodations, but it was better than a useless pile of scrap. He walked in and around the corridors until every piece, down to the millimetre was imbedded into his memory. Jonas knew this ship almost as well as he knew himself. It had been his home for some months and now he could not even think to be parted with it.

He was thinking; it seemed he did little else these days. He came to the Port Dormitory but stopped at the entrance for a few minutes before finally venturing in. This was where Kreia had spent most of her time. She had taught him so much about the Force, and himself, but it took until he cast her down with the final stroke that he realized. He realized just how important those lessons she had taught him were. He felt ashamed when he thought back to all of the times he had criticized her and her teachings, because now when he thinks about it, she probably knew more than he would ever know in his lifetime.

“I know what you’re doing,”

He quickly turned and noticed Atton standing in the doorway. “Why so jumpy?” he smirked.

“It’s been a jumpy week,” he replied with a little hint of a smile.

“That it has,” agreed Atton. “But that’s changed now: in the past,” he pierced Jonas with his gaze. “I know what you’re doing,”

Jonas raised an eyebrow. “Oh?” he said. “And what is it that I am doing?”

“You’re leaving,”

“Not yet,”

“But soon?”


“Then I’m coming with you.”

“No you’re not,” said Jonas. “I have a mission for you. Remember when we were on Onderon?”

Atton nodded. He didn’t say anything, but Jonas knew that the previous discussion was not over yet.

“The Force Sensitives that Vaklu promised me?”

Again, Atton nodded.

“You are to train them.”

Atton raised both of his eyes brow high they disappeared under his short fringe. “Me? Train them? You’re kidding, right?”

“I am not,” answered Jonas. “Atton, the galaxy is ruined. It’s crumbling in on itself and it is all because of the war against the Jedi and Sith. We are the death of the Force. And if we are to remain living in this galaxy, then there must be no sides to the Pazaak table. There must be equilibrium.”

“What are you saying, exactly?”

“I am saying that you are to train them in both sides of the Force: To learn every aspect of the light and dark sides. It is the only way to heal the republic.”

“If that’s what you want, consider it done,” said Atton. “After we come back from wherever you’re going,”

Jonas shook his head. “You do not understand,” he said. “And that is why you must stay behind. Revan left alone; I will leave alone. It’s what has to be done. You will train the Apprentices. I have thought it all out, Atton and this is what you will do: Take the strongest of the Apprentices to Coruscant. Use the library there. Gather all of the Holocrons you can, Jedi and Sith alike. The others that are left behind take them to Dantooine and Korriban. Occupy the Academies there. A new age is beginning. I will need you there to lead it,”

A few moments passed. Then Atton began to nod his head. “Fair enough,” he said. “I’ll do that. When are you going?”

“I’m not sure,”

“Are you going to speak to her before you leave?”

Jonas knew who Atton meant. “I guess I’ll have to,” he said. “Where is she?”

Atton scoffed. “Where she always is! You Jedi like to stick to spots like a mynock to a ship!”

Jonas smiled and nodded his head. Atton left and Jonas turned back towards the center of the Dormitory.

A slight smile of acknowledgement spread itself across Jonas's lips. "I've finally awakened," he said, before turning back around and leaving the room.


His breath became uneven as he approached her room. It felt like he had just run a light year. It was unbelievable what he felt; he had never felt such a thing before. It scared almost as much as it intrigued him.

He approached the door and she stood up and turned to face him.

“I know why you have come,” she said. “Your intentions are as clear as a Krayt Dragon in the main street of Anchorhead on Tattooine.”

“And here I was going for a more subtle approach,” he smirked. ‘What is it with all of these similes?’ he thought to himself.

A flutter of a smile caressed her lips. “I knew you would follow him. It is the way in which I follow you. It is the destiny of everyone to follow someone, even though most do not know it. Thankfully you do,”

“Why is that thankful?”

“Because if you do not understand that truth then you will wander
aimlessly for eternity when you pass on from this life.”

“Possibly,” remarked Jonas. “I don’t really think of such things,”

“And you shouldn’t,”

Jonas looked at Visas. “I have not admitted this to anyone but I’m worried. What if I can not succeed in what I must do?”

“The hardest battle is not fought with lightsabers or blasters, or even the Force,” said Visas. “It is the battle against the devil that lies within yourself. Conquer that, and you can conquer anything.”

Jonas nodded. “Wise,” he said.

“I learn,” smirked Visas.

A small laugh escaped Jonas’s lips. “And teaching it seems,”

“I do what I can,” she said. Jonas raised an eyebrow. “You’re talking liked a certain person I used to know,”

“Oh?” she said. “Who is that?”



An awkward silence followed where Jonas continued to look at Visas. Her hurt and damaged core was what made him think of her more than what he should because they reminded him of himself.

“I’ll leave you to your meditation then,”

Visas bowed her head slightly and sat back down. He only waited a few more seconds before he too left to meditate.

As he approached the Port Dormitory, a familiar presence came over him and he laughed slightly. “Don’t say it. I already know that that can never be,”

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” said the faint fragile voice of his old master.

Rabish Bini 12-16-2008 11:01 PM

You sure do love writing don't you? :)

Another perfect chapter,
“Because if you do not understand that truth then you will wander
aimlessly for eternity when you pass on from this life.”
That was beautiful, did you come up with it yourself?

CommanderQ 12-16-2008 11:01 PM


You must post the next part soon! Or I, as Chancellor of the Plumbership, will be forced to "plumberate" you, hahahaah!:D


The_Catto 12-16-2008 11:04 PM

@Bini: Yeah, I do, :lol: ... And yeah, I came up with that line. Glad that you like it :D

@CQ: Hahaha, oh nooes! You're using my old job against me now!!!! Nooooo!!! But you forget .. I'm the lord of pest control, :xp:

Rev7 12-17-2008 07:52 PM

I concur, that was a great chapter! Very entertaining.

I did notice some areas were it was a little bit hard to determine who was talking, such as:

“I’ve finally awakened,” He smiled before he turned and left the room."

There are a few others, but I just can't seem to find them....

Good chapter though :D

The_Catto 12-17-2008 09:01 PM

Thanks, Rev.
Just posted that sentence again to make it seem more understandable :)

The_Catto 01-12-2009 06:18 PM

Part Three: Finesse

Bodies littered the floor around them. The stench was starting to become unbearable. The burnt flesh hung in acrid drafts that floated through the nostrils until it nearly caused him to gag.

He was reminded of so many months ago in the Trayus Academy. Devouring it of all Sith.

This however, was different.

Jonas walked slowly up a grand set of stairs. Light flooded in from windows high on the walls, casting the room in a golden hue. His red lightsaber contrasting finely with sounds of last breaths being taken by various beings.

His breath was even, surprisingly.

His mind was clear.

But his hands still trembled.

“Revan,” he said. “It’s looks like this is the end. Either way, what ever happens, we will never return to the Galaxy we once knew.”

“No,” answered Revan who walked closely next to him. His own lightsaber was clashing its blue light against the gold. “It’s likely we will not, but this is the way I would have preferred it to go my friend.”

Jonas nodded. They reached a hallway and started to proceed down its long corridor. “Do you think we can win?” he asked.

“I honestly don’t know,” replied Revan. “I like to think we can,” he smirked. “What do you think?”

Jonas took a deep breath. “Someone once told me that the toughest battle is not fought with lightsabers or blasters, but with the devil within ourselves. If we can win that battle, any battle after that will be an ease,”

Revan looked at Jonas. “Wise,” he said. “Who said that?”

“Someone very special to me back home,”

“Well, least we both have something to fight for then, eh?”

“I guess.”


“No!” came a shout
“I won’t leave you behind!”
“I told you to run! Get out of here while you still can!”
“I said no!”

Jonas awoke in a sweat so cold that he thought he must have been lying naked on the planet of Hoth. He sat up and looked around. He had no idea where he was – the room was dark, he wasn’t even able to see his hands in front of him - but he knew one thing for sure.

They had lost.

The Republic was doomed.

“Ah, you have awakened,” came a voice.

He knew that voice. “Am I dead?” he asked.

A figure came into his view while a light flickered to life somewhere giving the room an eerie glow.

“That depends,” said Kreia. “Are you dead when you end your journey in the past life and come here, to the life after living?”

“Yeah, usually,” replied Jonas.

“Well then, you are dead,” she answered.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Do you not remember?” replied Kreia.

“No. Not all of it.”

“Well then, let me fill in the gaps for you shall I?” said Kreia. “You fought the Leader, and died. You were no match for him. There, I think that sums it up.”

“No, I don’t think so,” replied Jonas.

Kreia shook her head. “For such a smart Jedi, you can be so dim-witted at times.”

“I only reflect on my teachings,” retorted Jonas.

“Mm,” was Kreia’s reply. “Exile, you are something unique. Although I
somewhat failed in my task, you have indeed proved more admiring and arrogant in every way possible. You are my failure and reward for being a teacher.”

Jonas sat staring at his old master. “I want to know,” he said. “What did you think of me throwing you into the Heart of Malachor?”

It was a moment before Kreia answered with; “Malachor was always a piece of me. It ran through my blood; still does. It is only fitting that it should be my final resting place,”

Jonas cocked an eyebrow. “Not what I was expecting but OK.”

“What were you expecting?” asked Kreia.

“Well, I’d expect you’d hate me for it. You hated the Force. And yet, in spite of that, I threw you into one of the places with the most strongest gathering of the Force.”

“I hate you Exile,” said Kreia. “But I love you. It is a complicated thing, I must admit. But I “live” with it,”

Jonas refrained from laughing at her intended irony. “You were unlike any master I’d ever had,”

“And you were unlike any student of mine,”

“I guess we kinda worked together then, huh?”

“More than probably what an outsider would think, yes,”

A few moments past where Jonas looked down at the floor: “So what happens now?” he asked.

“That depends. You are at a crossroad. Only you can discern the right path.”

“I never wanted to go like this. I at least want to leave knowing that the Galaxy will be safe when I’m gone. I didn’t die, did I?”

“You only want to think that it went differently,” replied Kreia. “Or … is this what you want to happen? To die?”

“No,” said Jonas, after a minute. “I want to go back. I’m not ready to die yet. There is so much left to do. So much to say.”

Kreia did not smile, although her poise slackened. “Oh if that is your wish,” she said irritably.


Jonas felt a great rush of wind engulf him and suddenly he was awake on the floor of a great golden chamber.

He used to Force to leap to his feet and looked around. Over the other
side of the chamber, Revan was fighting off the Leader of the True Sith.

Jonas watched as Revan was knocked back and Force Pushed into one of the surrounding walls. Jonas leapt over to Revan.

“Glad to see you’re back with us,” said Revan.

“I never left,” said Jonas. “How’s it going?”

“Someone should him that, WE are the good guys,” panted Revan. “At what point, did we lose control here?”

“When did we ever have control of this fight?” asked Jonas.

“Good point,” answered Revan.

So this is it. Is this truly the end? Is there ever an end?
I am where I must be. Are you? I follow Revan, either to my death, or salvation. In knowing that, I still follow purely because of the fact that we all need to follow someone, or something, otherwise, as what was once said to me, we will never find peace in the next life. So I am here, nearing the end of the thing that never begun in the first place.

“Revan,” said Jonas. “Are you ready to do this?”

Revan looked from the man in front of them to Jonas. “I am,”

They clasped hands and shook. “It was an honour to live by your side,” said Revan.

“It was an honour, to die at yours,” replied Jonas.

Revan nodded, then turned to the Red Skinned Sith in front of him. He leapt forward.

Jonas turned and smiled.

He followed Revan and leapt forward - he was going to finish this once and for all, even if it did claim his life.

Exile, you are more then I could ever have hoped for.
It is a pity that the Devil within you still stirs: Never to be defeated.

================================================== ================================================== ==

Well, there you have it. It was a little cliche there at the end, but I was in a cliche sort of mood so .. :xp: there, lol. And I hope that SOMEONE will recognize the quote I put in there. Someone HAS too, lol. Otherwise what is the world coming too!?

CommanderQ 01-12-2009 06:27 PM


I'm loving this fic, lots of cool darkside thingys..well portayed:D :D :D MORE MORE!

The_Catto 01-12-2009 06:49 PM

Thanks, CQ :D.

Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
This is more like a Short Fic but it will be set into three parts.


Originally Posted by Mr_BFA
Part Three: Finesse

I wasn't really planning on doing any more with this fic ....

CommanderQ 01-12-2009 06:58 PM

:( Aw, well, I should've read closer....sadness falls on the lands of Q.....Well, jolly good job though!:D This is indeed an excellent way to end things!:D

HIGH ON PIE 14 01-20-2009 02:33 PM

Wow, BFA...

Kreia's dialogue was so perfect for her that I could hear it in my head. Hooray for the darkside! I agree, it ended on a the perfect note.

I was about to go nominate you for best short fic, but then I realized you finished in 2009. :( Oh, year I suppose. Until then, I guess this will have to do.


The_Catto 01-27-2009 09:51 AM

Thanks CQ, and HoP. Thats means a WHOLE lot. Really :D

Anyways. I want to see what you all think of this before I put it into a finished thread.
What should be different, is there anything I need to elaborate on? Is there not enough detail? Structure? What?

I really like this story and want to be the best it can be before I re-post. Any help would be GREATLY appreciated :)

Endorenna 01-27-2009 11:09 AM

(chokes on tea) What!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! I MISSED THE NEXT CHAPTER!!!!!!!! :eek:

I loved it! Kreia's dialogue was exquisite! :xp: And I like cliche'!

But...but...but...there's not gonna be any more?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! To quote someone...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !! :(

JAvatar80 01-27-2009 03:31 PM

*inhales and finishes Endorenna's no* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO O!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great story BFA. Great story. :)

Emalin 01-27-2009 11:05 PM

I just read all of this today. Very, very, VERY good!!! :D :D :D I absolutely love your Exile, all the way down to his name. ("Jonas" = awesome) As for the story itself, my favorite part had to be the first. All that delicious darkness! :dev7: I loved Jonas' and Visas' interaction in the second part; very sweet. In the final part, however, Kreia's dialogue struck me as being too light-hearted for that scene. It hit a note of humor when I'm not sure it was intended.

A comment on grammar: in dialogue, when you have just a single line all by its onesies, with no tags or anything... i.e.:

"And you were unlike any student of mine,"

Always end the sentence with a period, not a comma. Commas should be used only when the sentence is followed by a tag, such as "Kreia said."

All in all, excellent work! :thumbsup:

The_Catto 02-03-2009 08:41 AM

Thanks people for all your comments. Yes, that was the end of this story. No more to be continued on from it :) I'm glad you all liked it however :D

@Em: Cheers for that. I wasn't sure about that. Grammer seems to be my achille's heel :xp:
I'll go back to that conversation and see in making it a tad more somber. It wasn't meant to be humorous somewhat, more ironic, but yeah. Thanks for pointing that out.
And, lol, I'm so glad you like dit. I LOVE writing DS fics, lol. Makes it more interesting than LS ones I think.
Anyways. Thanks again! :D:D:D

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