A Christmas Carol: Star Wars edition
Lando was dead, to begin with. Dead as a starshipís hatch on Raxus Prime. Not only merely dead, but ever so sincerely dead. In life, Lando had been business partners with a well-known mean guy whose last name began with an S.
But he wasnít the mean guy youíre probably thinking of.
Landoís partner was named . . . Anakin Skywalker.
"What?? Youíre making me the Scrooge character??"
Well, yes Anakin. After all, you have a troubled past, just like Scrooge, you lost your wife just like Scrooge, you get bitter with the world just like Scrooge . . .
"Yeah? Well Iíd like to see Scrooge in a podrace or a lightsaber fight. That guy probably couldnít even lift a lightsaber, yet alone fight with one."
Look, we donít have time to argue, okay? Youíre Scrooge, deal with it.
"And what will you do if I donít?"
Iíll tell everyone that you sleep with a toy Ewok.
"Gah! All right, all right, Iím Scrooge! Bah Hamburg."
"Whatever. Bah humbug, bah Hamburg, Bah Hobknocker, Its all the same to me!"
Anyway, as I was saying, when Lando was alive, he had been partners with an incredibly greedy, selfish person named Anakin Skywalker. Their business firm, set up on the planet Coruscant, would lend out money to people with incredibly high interest rates. Most of the time people couldnít afford to pay the loans back, in which case Anakin and Lando would take away their houses or something valuable like that. They really werenít very nice at all.
"All right, thatís enough, they get it."
Well excuse me, Anakin, Iím just trying to narrate here.
"So long as weíre talking, I have a question."
All right, but make it quick Ė itís getting awkward for the narrator to be talking to a character.
"Whatís a humbug?"
What do you mean "whatís a humbug"???
"What is a humbug? If Iím going to play this Scrooge guy Iíd like to know what my lines mean."
Uh . . . just a second, let me get a dictionary . . . okay, it says here that a humbug is a fraud, a phony, stuff like that.
"So basically Iím calling Christmas a fraud?"
"All right, you can get back to the story now."
Okay, go back to your money counting desk thingy. Now, as I was saying, Lando had been dead for seven years, but Anakin never bothered to have his name painted out of the sign outside, since he liked to save money whenever he could. So the sign still said "Skywalker and Calrissian," even though Anakin now worked alone. Well, he didnít work completely alone Ė he still had his awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome clerk, Han Solo.
Anakin treated his clerk like dirt. He payed her minimum wage even though he had a wife and a bunch of children to support. He even made her work on Christmas Eve every year. And itís on a Christmas Eve, seven years to the day since Landoís death, when our story begins.
Snow was falling all over Coruscant, which brought bitter cold with it, but most people hardly noticed, for they were getting ready for the biggest day of the year Ė the celebration of Christmas. There was laughter, singing, and a general sense of merriment all throughout the planet.
That is, all throughout the planet except for one place.
In Anakin Skywalkerís office, everything was as dismal as ever. There were no windows, which meant that neither Anakin nor Han could see the merriment outside. Anakin only had enough light on for them to see their work, and no more. Worst of all, Anakin refused to turn on the heat, which meant that the bitter cold from outside seeped into the office.
"Boss," Leia said after she had been working in the freezing temperature for hours, "canít we turn on the heat?"
"No," Anakin said in his gruff, mean voice. "You know the rules Ė we donít waste money."
"Youíll waste plenty of money if we freeze to death while working," Han retorted as he blew on her hands. "This is ridiculous."
Anakin looked up and glared at her with his incredibly mean glare. "Mr. Solo, do I pay you to complain?"
"You hardly pay me at all," Han grumbled, blowing on her hands again. "My parents wanted me to be a Jedi, but noooo, I had to pick this line of work because I didnít want a job where people were always getting on me. The irony!"
If it was possible, Anakin gave him an even meaner glare. Oh boy, was he ever mean. Mean, mean, mean. So mean you wouldnít believe it. He wasnít just the meanest of the mean Ė he was the meanest of the meanest of the meanest of the mean. Youíre a mean one, Mr. Skywalker, you really are a heel . . .
"All right, all right, weíve established that Iím mean, okay?"
Sheesh, Anakin, whoís the narrator here?
"Just Hurry Up! I have to pick up dinner tonite. Padme has a girls nite out thing and Luke and Leia are like pigs when it comes to eating, so I have to hurry up!"
"Fine! Ok! Hvae it your way Ani!"
"Look, can we just get to the part where Nephew Fred comes in? Iím getting bored here, and so is the audience."
Fine, fine. Okay, it was then when they heard a knock on the door. Before Anakin could even get up to answer the door, in burst Anakinís nephew, Luke Skywalker.
"Hey Dad, isnít this neat? Iím your son in real life, but here Iím playing your nephew!"
"Yeah yeah, whatever, Iíve already got my daughter playing my employee."
Guys, donít get out of character here. As I was saying, Nephew Luke was a fun, happy guy who always looked for the best in everyone, even his incredibly mean uncle, so he paid him constant visits at work. Of course, that might have been simply to annoy him.
"Merry Christmas, Uncle Anakin!" Luke exclaimed as he scampered through the office, dripping melted snow on the floor.
"Christmas?" said Anakin. "Bah Hamburger!"
No, no, NO, Anakin! Itís humbug! HUM-BUG!
"Well excuse me! Why donít I just say ĎBah Phonyí Ė itís easier for me to remember."
Are you NUTS?? "Bah Phony" doesnít have a good ring.
SO, "Bah Humbug" happens to be the most IMPORTANT line in the ENTIRE story. If you change it, you ruin everything!
"Uh, hey, can we get back to the story? I think some people might be clicking the Back button."
Okay Luke, youíre right. Well, Luke wasnít phased by his uncleís meanness at all Ė in fact, his smile grew even wider.
"Christmas a hamburger Ė uh, I mean humbug?" he chortled. "Surely you donít mean that!"
"Of course I do," said Anakin. "And youíd think that way too if you had any sense in you. Itís just a stupid time where everyone acts like little children and spends money they donít have on frivolities. If I could work my will, every idiot who went about with ĎMerry Christmasí on his lips would be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his heart."
"Wow," said Luke, "thatís a nasty thing to say to your own nephew."
But Luke still wasnít flustered, even though his uncle was being so mean to him.
"But Iím still not flustered," said Luke, "even though my uncle is being so mean to me." He extended his hand to Anakin. "Come on, dine with us tomorrow."
He might as well have invited Anakin to walk barefoot on some hot coals with him. Actually, Anakin might have preferred the hot coals to dinner with his nephew. "Dine??" Anakin exclaimed. "DINE?? With you and your pretty little wife who brought you no money when she married you?"
"Yes," said Luke. "So are you coming?"
"Just why did you marry her again?" said Anakin.
"Why? Because I fell in love, of course."
Anakin smirked. "Thatís just plain stupid."
"All right, all right. So are you coming or not?"
"Hmm," said Anakin, "how can I put this politely . . . absolutely not, I wouldnít be caught dead having Christmas dinner with you and your wife."
Finally Luke appeared hurt. "Well fine," he said, "youíd probably ruin the party anyway." He turned around and stomped out of the office, but as he opened the door, he let in a pair of droids. One was a tall, golden-plated protocol droid, and the other was a short, blue and white astro droid.
"Skywalker and Calrissianís, I believe?" the protocol droid said in a proper accented voice as he hobbled up to Anakin. "Do I have the pleasure of addressing Master Skywalker or Master Calrissian?"
"Lando Calrissian has been dead for seven years," Anakin said in a disinterested manner. "Who the heck are you?"
"Oh yes," said the protocol droid, "allow me to introduce myself. I am C-3PO, human-cyborg relations. And this is my counterpart, R2-D2."
The astro droid beeped a friendly hello.
"Uh-huh," said Anakin, "and what the hell are you doing here?"
"Oh, thank you so much for asking, Master Sykwalker," said 3PO. "We are collecting donations for the poor and homeless. You see sir, there are many beings out there who donít have the common necessities that you humans require. Since this is such a festive season of the year, it seems appropriate that we should contribute something to those less fortunate, donít you agree?"
R2 beeped in agreement.
"So there arenít any workhouses?" said Anakin. "No prisons?"
"Uh, of course there are, Master Skywalker, but what does that have to do with anything?"
Anakin smirked. "Well, from what you said it sounded like something had shut them down."
"Uh, yes, Master Skywalker," said 3PO, "but anyway, what might we put you down for?"
The R2 unit immediately erupted into a string of angry beeps, probably shouting some very foul words at Anakin in droid language.
"Now now R2," said 3PO, "thereís no need to get upset. This gentleman simply means that he wishes to remain anonymous." He turned to face Anakin. "Isnít that right, sir?"
"No," said Anakin, "what I wish is to be left alone. As you said yourself, there are prisons and workhouses Ė if people are too lazy to get themselves a decent job, they should go there."
"Oh, but Master Skywalker," the protocol droid wailed, "some would rather die!"
"Well if theyíd rather die, theyíd better do it," said Anakin, "and decrease the surplus population!"
Woo boy, was Anakin ever mean.
Mean, mean, mean.
R2 shouted even more foul words at Anakin in his beeping language, and this time 3PO didnít try to stop him. "Oh dear, oh dear," said 3PO, "please, Master Skywalker, I do hope you will reconsider."
"I wonít," said Anakin. "Now would you please go away so I can get back to work."
Han dug his fingers into his forehead and shook his head.
R2 blew a mechanical raspberry at Anakin before rolling towards the door, still beeping out foul-mouthed insults.
"Oh dear oh dear," 3PO said again, hobbling after his counterpart. "Please R2, do come back, Iím certain he will change his mind if we only talk to him a little while longer."
But R2 had already left the room. After 3PO followed him out, Anakin quickly rose and locked the door, ensuring that they couldnít return.
Did I mention that he was mean?
Just as Anakin sat back in his chair, another knock at the door was heard.
Anakin Answered the door to find a large red droid.
"Question: Penny for the poor governor?"
Anakin screamed and then punched the HK unit's head and it came flying off.
"Threat: I will get you....you....meat...metbog!!!! HK-47 signing off!"
The droid began to slow down before blowing up.
"Suprised statement: Hold it, hold it. I shouldn't die."
Fine, I don't want to pick a fight with you! You just leave.
"So you don't want to pick a fight with an assasin droid, but you are pushing me around."
Sorry Anakin. Next Scene!
Anakin and Han worked in silence until evening fell and it was time to close up the office. Now as you remember, it was Christmas Eve, which meant that Han would of course want the day off the next day, but it was hard to get anything from Anakin. As soon as he clocked out, he strode up to her boss’s deck, where he was still working, apparently unaware that it was closing time. He also seemed to be unaware of his standing there. It took a good five minutes before he finally cleared her throat and caused him to take notice of him.
"So," he said in his usual mean voice, "I guess you want the day off tomorrow."
"Of course," said Han. "It’s a universal holiday after all."
"Well the universe isn’t fair," Anakin grumbled. "They expect me to pay you for no work?"
"Yes!" said Han, throwing her hand on the desk. "It’s the law. If you don’t give me the day off, I’ll report you to the authorities."
Anakin growled. "That’s blackmail, you know that?"
"But it’s still the law that you give me the day off."
Anakin loudly ground his teeth. "It’s a stupid excuse for picking my pocket every year, but unfortunately, since it’s a law, I’m required to give you the whole day." He stood up and leaned in close to Leia’s face. "But be here even earlier the next morning."
They closed up the office, Anakin grumbling the whole time about how unreasonable Han was for wanting the day off and Han grumbling the whole time about how unreasonable Anakin was for not wanting to give him the day off. They didn’t get along very well at all. In fact, behind Anakin’s back, Han was secretly filling out job applications for other people, but with the economy in such bad shape, no one was hiring.
"Okay, was it really necessary to stick in a joke about your planet’s economy?"
Oh come on, Han, I thought it was funny.
"Well are you trying to imply that I can’t get a job even if I fill out a bunch of applications?"
"I mean, even a bad economy, someone with my qualifications should be able to get a job."
Look, you wanted this part, didn’t you? So live with whatever implications it may carry.
"I warn you, if this leads to anything at my REAL work . . ."
O-kay, let’s just get straight to when Scrooge – I mean Anakin – gets home. Strike the set, we’re going to the next scene.
It was well after dark when Anakin parked his speeder at his dismal apartment, which had once belonged to his late business partner, Lando Calrissian. Now as I told you in the previous chapter, Lando had been dead for seven years. That must be remembered, or nothing that follows will seem wondrous.
"Uh hey, was it really necessary to remind them that Lando’s dead?"
Yes Anakin, it’s called literary emphasis.
"They’re not morons, you know. I think they can remember that Lando’s dead."
Hey, I just wanted to make sure.
"It was the first freaking line in the story!! How dumb does someone have to be to forget that?"
Aren’t you supposed to be going up to your door knocker?
"Yeah . . . that’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. Have you ever seen our movies?"
Only about two thousand times. Why?
"Well then you must know that we don’t have door knockers in our galaxy."
"I mean, we have doors that slide open – it’s impossible to have a door knocker without the door getting stuck halfway open."
Well you have a door knocker. That’s how the story goes – Scrooge has a door knocker. It’s a critical moment in the story.
"So how does that work with a sliding door?"
I don’t know –
you just have a door knocker! Okay?
"You’re narrating this story and you don’t even know the mechanics of my door knocker? That’s pretty lazy."
AUGH, all right, all right! Um . . . it’s a holographic door knocker that through electronic sensors makes a knocking sound when someone waves their hand in front of it, okay?
Well DEAL with it – we need to get back to the story before people remove it from their Alert lists.
As I was saying, Anakin had just returned home. He was about to unlock his door when he noticed something quite strange about his holographic door knocker. Normally the hologram projected the face of a savage eopie, but now the projection looked like . . .
The face of Lando Calrissian moaned at Anakin, scaring him so much that he tumbled over backwards, landing smack on his behind. After struggling to his feet, cursing the entire time, he looked at the knocker again, and this time it was back to the regular eopie face.
Anakin sneered, figuring that someone must have tampered with the hologram. "Humdrum."
No Anakin, it’s HUMBUG.
"Again, whatever. If you’d just let me say phony it would be much easier for both of us."
Anakin, being a practical man, didn’t run back into his speeder and drive as far away as possible. Nope, he just walked right inside his house, though he did make certain to lock the door behind him. However, he locked the door every night, so even that wasn’t out of the ordinary.
He changed into his nightclothes, pulling a thick robe over his pajamas, since he didn’t like turning on the heat even in the comfort of his own home. Being the pigheaded man he was, he never wanted to spend money unless it absolutely couldn’t be avoided.
"Pigheaded? Hey, could you maybe lay off the insults?"
Ignore me, Anakin. This is an important part here.
Anakin sat down in a big chair in front of his bed and began eating his supper of unappetising cold food. Yes, he didn’t bother to cook his food either, talk about pigheadedness.
"Grrr . . ."
And he growled at nothing too. Yes siree, he was a big mess.
"I was growling at you."
Anyway, Anakin was in the middle of his meal when he heard something disturbing. He heard a bell begin to ring, followed by another bell, then another bell, then another, then another, then another. Soon many bells were ringing at once, giving a noise so deafening that Anakin had to cover his ears.
This was especially disturbing when you considered the fact that Anakin didn’t own any bells.
"I don’t believe in this!" Anakin shouted, not that it did any good. When the bells finally ceased, that was only to make way for the sound of chains clanking. The clanking became louder and louder and louder until it finally sounded like it was coming from right outside his bedroom door.
"I don’t believe in this!" Anakin repeated, but once again it didn’t do any good. The instant he said that, a ghostly figure materialized, entering right through the locked bedroom door – a figure that looked exactly like his old partner, Lando Calrissian.
"You know something? You really suck at suspense."
I said to ignore me, Anakin! As I was saying, the ghostly figure that looked like Lando was surrounded by a bluish light and it was dragging along what seemed like miles of heavy chains.
Anakin dropped his food on the floor and hid behind the back of his chair, panting in fear. After a few minutes of hiding, he slowly peeked out, trembling the entire time. "Wh-who are you?"
"That’s not a very good way to greet a ghost," said the figure. "I mean, come on, since I’m dead, you should be asking me who I was, don’t you agree?"
"All right, who were you?" said Anakin, still trembling.
"In life I was your partner, Lando Calrissian."
Anakin had already guessed this, but he didn’t want to offend the ghost by assuming that he knew its identity without asking first. He stood up and looked into the ghost’s eyes, which weren’t blinking.
"What? Are you saying I’ve got to keep my eyes open for this whole scene?"
Yes Lando, you’re a ghost. Ghosts don’t blink.
"Well you can’t make me dry out my eyes – that’s impossible. Besides, didn’t Obi-Wan’s ghost blink?"
That’s different – you’re supposed to be a scary ghost.
"No way I’m doing that. Look here, I’m blinking! I’m blinking!"
Okay, okay, the ghost DID blink. Happy now?
"That depends. How much are you paying me for this part?"
Any-way, the ghost blinked, but Anakin kept looking into its eyes.
"How come you keep calling me it?"
All right, Anakin kept looking into his eyes. Just let me get on with this.
"What do you want with me?" Anakin asked.
"Uh . . . okay," said Anakin. "Uh . . . can you sit down?"
"Yes – why the heck wouldn’t I be able to sit down?" said Lando.
Anakin shrugged. "Well, if you’re a ghost, wouldn’t your butt just sink right through the chair or something?"
"Hey," said Lando, "didn’t you see Obi-Wan’s ghost sit down on a log in Return of the Jedi?"
"Well the narrator just said you were different from Obi-Wan’s ghost."
"I’ll prove it to you!" said Lando. He dragged his chains over to the chair across from Anakin and promptly sat down. "There, happy now?"
Anakin just kept right on staring at him.
"You don’t believe in me, do you?" Lando said after a moment.
"Of course not," said Anakin.
"Even though I’m sitting right here in front of you," said Lando. "Are you really so pigheaded that you doubt your own senses?"
"Your senses can lie to you," Anakin argued. "You’re probably just a bit of bad bantha meat or a gulp of sour blue milk. Hembug, I tell you, Hembug!"
No no NO! For the last time, it’s HUMBUG!! HUMBUG!! HUMBUG!!!!
"Yeah Anakin, it is humbug."
You stay out of this, Lando.
Anyway, Lando suddenly leapt to his feet and screamed so loudly that the room vibrated. Anakin once again hid behind his chair.
"So are you gonna tell me that was just your dinner?" Lando said. "I can do it again, you know. Maybe this time I’ll knock the pictures off your wall."
"All right, all right!" said Anakin, throwing his hands up as he sat back down. "You’re the ghost of Lando, I get it, but what the hell are you doing here?"
"I’m here to warn you of the terrible fate that awaits you after you die," said Lando. He held up his chained arms. "You see this? It’s the chain I forged when I was alive. Every time I did something selfish or didn’t help someone when I had the opportunity, I made the chain longer and longer."
"I see," said Anakin. "That’s interesting."
"Interesting?" Lando exclaimed. "I’m in eternal torment and all you can say is that it’s interesting?? What if I told you that you wear such a chain yourself?"
Anakin shrugged. "Well I don’t see how it can be worse than getting all your limbs cut off and your body burned up."
Anakin, stay in character please.
"Your chain was just as long and heavy as this one seven years ago," Lando continued. "And you’ve added on to it since."
"Well what have I done to build a chain like that??"
Lando gave Anakin a disbelieving look. "Why don’t you try looking at the way you behave every single day and answer that question for yourself?"
"I’m a businessman, Lando," Anakin protested. "So were you. Businessmen make money – there’s no shame in that."
"Yes there is," Lando said firmly, shaking his chains in Anakin’s face. "By focusing on money, I lost track of what was really important. Now it’s too late for me to make amends – but it’s not too late for you."
"What do you mean?"
"Tonight, you’ll have a chance to escape my fate," said Lando. "You will be haunted by three spirits."
Anakin gulped over and over and over. Truth be told, he still hoped that Lando was just his dinner, but he wouldn’t say so out loud for fear that the ghost would scream again. "I don’t think I want that," he said.
"Well it’s your only chance, take it or leave it," said Lando.
Anakin was trembling again. "Well, I could probably get used to wandering around in chains after a while."
"I can’t believe what I’m hearing!" Lando shouted. "I’ve been dead for seven freaking years – do I look used to it??" He got up and headed for the door. "In case you change your mind, the first ghost is coming at one o’clock."
"Can’t they all come at once?" asked Anakin. "Then it would be over with."
"No," said Lando, turning back to look at his partner. "If past, present, and future all came at once, the spacetime continuum would collapse and the universe would implode. Besides, then this story would be much shorter. So as I was saying, the first spirit comes at one, the second one comes the next night at two, and the third one comes the next night on the final stroke of midnight." He raised his chained hand to wave goodbye. "By the way, don’t hand your friends over to the Empire – that will really add on to your chain."
With that, he vanished.
Somehow Anakin managed to fall asleep that night. Don’t ask me why, since most of us would probably be on the edge of our seats all night waiting for the foretold ghosts. Maybe it was because he had once again managed to convince himself that he had hallucinated about Lando due to indigestion. It was pretty stupid to think that, but Anakin was very stubborn.
Anakin was sound asleep, not even dreaming about anyone close to him dying. Of course, he didn’t have anyone close to him, so that might have helped.
But then his alarm went off.
His eyes popped open. He couldn’t remember setting his alarm, and he certainly couldn’t remember setting his alarm to go off in the middle of the night. After giving a big yawn, he sleepily rolled over to see what time it was.
One o’clock in the morning, exactly.
It was then when Lando’s visitation came back to him, along with the promise that a ghost would appear at one o’clock. He blinked hard, trying to see if there was anything unusual in his room, but after a full two seconds, he concluded that there was nothing.
"I knew it," he said. "Two seconds after one and no ghosts – that proves that it was indigestion."
But no sooner had he spoken than the entire room filled up with a strange, blinding light. It was so bright that he had to cover his eyes so he wouldn’t go blind.
"Your eyes, open," an unfamiliar raspy voice said. "Too long have they been closed."
Anakin slowly peeled his fingers off his eyes, one by one, and found that the light, while still very bright, was at least tolerable now. He still didn’t see any ghost, though.
"Hello?" he asked hesitantly. "Anyone there?"
"Down here, look."
Anakin obeyed the voice and saw that it was coming from a small green creature with pointed ears that stuck out on either side of his wrinkled head. Although he leaned on a wooden cane, he seemed to be the source of all the light.
"So you’re the first spirit?" Anakin exclaimed.
"That I am," said the creature. "The Ghost of Christmas Past, I am, hmmm."
"What?" said Anakin. "This is a joke, isn’t it? I mean, you’re so tiny."
"Judge me by my size, do you?" the ghost said sharply, poking Anakin’s forehead with his cane. "Get up you must. Long journey we have ahead of us, hmm."
"Are you going to be lit up the entire time?" Anakin grumbled.
"Hmm? So soon you would be to put out the light I give?" The ghost gave a hoarse laugh. "Heh heh heh! Come come, to the window now, to the window." He turned around and hobbled towards the window, which opened by itself and let in a cold breeze. "Come come, follow follow."
"Are you serious?" Anakin shouted, leaping out of bed. "Is this just a ploy to get me to jump out the window and die?"
The ghost broke out laughing again. "Heh heh heh heh heh! Come, mortal. Only a touch of my hand you need. Hmm, yes, a touch of my hand, and uplifted you will be."
"You expect me to buy that?"
"If prefer to walk in chains for eternity you do, then my guest you can be. Otherwise, my hand touch now."
It took Anakin a moment to decipher exactly what the ghost said, and another moment to decide whether it was safer to jump out the window or risk suffering Lando’s fate eventually (and of course, he still wasn’t entirely certain that Lando hadn’t been a hallucination). Finally, possibly against his better judgement, he walked up to the ghost and touched his little hand, which was rough and wrinkled.
"Good good," said the ghost. "Now off we go." He squeezed Anakin’s hand and leaped out the window before Anakin would protest.
"Stop! Stop! Stop!" Anakin cried, closing his eyes, trying to ignore the fact that he was flying through the air.
"Too late to stop, it is," was all the ghost said. He proceeded to ignore it when Anakin threw up in mid-air.
"All right, all right. You know, you’re really embarrassing me here."
Come on, Anakin. Gross humor really sells.
"I thought you were too sophisticated a narrator for that."
Sophisticated? So you think this is supposed to be sophisticated? That’s a good one.
"Okay, can we just get on with it?"
You know, if you didn’t keep interrupting me, there wouldn’t be any need to "get on with it." Anyway, sorry about that, readers. The ghost flew Anakin back in time, until Anakin could feel that he was somewhere very, very familiar.
"Naboo!" he exclaimed, opening his eyes and finding that yes, he was flying over the snowy surface of the planet Naboo. Before long they landed, right next to a building Anakin knew very, very well.
"My old school!" he exclaimed. "I was a boy here . . . hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! If you’ve really seen out movies as often as you claim, then you know I was a boy on Tatooine, not Naboo."
That’s a very strange comment coming from you, Anakin. I thought you hated Tatooine and loved Naboo.
"Still, won’t this confuse people?"
Well if you really want it the other way, we can go to Tatooine.
"No, I didn’t say that!"
Then please try not to interrupt me for a few paragraphs, okay?
"Mmm," said the ghost. "Remember this place do you?"
"Of course!" said Anakin, staring up at the snow-decked building with the domed roof. "I could go through this area blindfolded."
As soon as he spoke, he noticed a line of speeders driving through the school’s snowy courtyard, all full of laughing parents and children going home for Christmas.
"My friends!" Anakin shouted with glee. "Wald! Kitster!"
"Mmm, shadows of your past, these are," said the ghost. "See and hear us they cannot. Like a life-size holofilm this is."
Anakin kept staring at the speeders. "They’re going home for Christmas, aren’t they?"
"Home they are going," said the ghost. "Empty, the school will soon be. Well, empty except for one child." He gestured towards the door with his cane. "Go in, shall we?"
"That depends," said Anakin. "Do I have a choice?"
"In that case, yes, let’s go in."
They went in by going through the wall, which brought the nausea back to Anakin’s head and made him feel like throwing up again, but he didn’t actually do so because the narrator knew that he would interrupt her again if she made him throw up a second time.
And even though the narrator appreciated that Anakin was being grateful for once, she ignored him because she didn’t feel like interrupting the story for the umpteenth time.
"Humph, see if I thank you again."
As I said, the narrator was ignoring Anakin. He and the ghost were in the largest classroom, where a small boy with a mop of blonde hair was sitting at one of the desks. Anakin stopped in his tracks, immediately realizing who the boy was.
"Why did you not go home for Christmas?" the ghost asked. "Hmm?"
Anakin gulped. "My father didn’t like me."
"Mmm? But no father you have. Conceived by the midichlorians you are."
"Yeah, but the narrator seems to be making this an alternate universe thing that’s firmly based on Scrooge’s past, so now I have a father."
And the narrator is still ignoring the characters talking about her. Anakin stared at his young self for a long time, feeling himself wanting to cry as he remembered all those Christmases spent alone.
"See another Christmas, shall we?" the ghost asked.
"Yes!" Anakin said desperately, and just like that the boy in front of him changed into a teenager, still all alone at Christmas, but then there were running footsteps coming from the hall.
"Ahsoka . . ." Anakin whispered.
In burst a young Torgruta girl with the widest smile you could ever see. "Ani!" she yelled, running up to the teenage Anakin and wrapping him in a big hug.
"Oh Ani," she murmured. "My dear brother."
"All right, hold it, hold it!"
What is it this time, Anakin?
"Do you HONESTLY expect anyone to believe that Ahsoka is my sister??"
Hey, there aren’t many female characters in your movies and she seemed like a good choice for the role. You know, she’s the right age, and you and she certainly act a lot like siblings.
"She’s a different species!"
"It’s just pretty creepy."
Look, who’s the casting director here? I’ve already had to switch Leia and Han’s roles, and if I keep switching roles around I’ll go crazy. Would you rather if Padme played your sister?
"Ewww, all right, have Ahsoka play her. But can we at least rethink this role?"
Ok Anakin, can you think of any famous siblings that could replace your guys' roles?
"Sure, what about Zack and Cody?"
No Ahsoka, they are both brothers.
"Carly and Spencer?"
"My young Padawan, why are you talking about children's sitcoms all the time?"
"Besides Spongebob, Phineas and Ferb, and History Channel, thats all I watch! Besides, I am a thirteen year old girl, I need some time to watch what I want to."
"Whatever! Ahsoka's my sister!"
Thank you. Anyway, after the younger Anakin and his sister hugged for a long time, Ahsoka pulled out and said, "Ani, I’ve come to bring you home."
"What??" young Anakin exclaimed. "Home??"
"Yes Ani, home," said Ahsoka. "Dad’s softened up quite a bit since you last saw him, so much so that he actually said yes when I asked him if you could come home."
The younger Anakin was gasping so much that he had to sit back down. "I can’t believe it, Snips."
"Believe it, Ani," said Ahsoka, taking her brother’s hand. "We’re going to have Christmas together. And if Dad goes back to being an old grump, it’ll be too late to send you back."
Meanwhile, the older Anakin was having to choke back tears as he watched.
"Die young, your sister did," the ghost said suddenly, "but children she had."
"Only one child," Anakin said dismally.
"Mmm, yes," said the ghost. "Your nephew Luke, but like dirt you treat him, hmm."
"Die young?? WAIT A MINUTE!!"
Oh great. Ahsoka, you can’t see or hear them, remember?
"So let me see if I’ve got this straight. My character DIES?"
Yes, that’s how the story goes. Scrooge’s sister dies young and that’s why he resents his nephew – because he reminds Scrooge too much of his dead sister.
"Well that’s just peachy. They’re already probably gonna kill me off in Clone Wars – so now you want to kill me off too?? Am I ever gonna get a part where I don’t die??"
"Hey Snips, calm down."
"You stay out of this, Skyguy!"
Look Ahsoka, it’s not my fault that Dickens wrote it that way. If you want to complain about your character dying, take it up with him.
"I believe I will! Where can I find him?"
Uh . . . well he’s kinda dead.
Um, maybe this would be a good time for a chapter break. We’ll be right back . . . maybe.
"Another Christmas, we shall visit, yes"
"Yeah fine ok, as long as I get paid!"
The ghost and Anakin went to a palace in the corusaunt lower city where it appeared there was a party.
"Remember this place, do you?"
"Of course spirit! This is the old Fettiwig bounty hunting agency! My first job!"
"Go inside, we will."
The two walked inside the palace, where they found the largest most rowdy group of bounty hunters, mercenaries, and Jedi all partying.
"Spirit, look! That's old Boba Fettiwig himself. And his wife Mira the Huntress. Uhh Narrator, don't you find it creepy that someone 4000 years older than Boba is married to him."
Lets have Dutchess Sateen marry him then!
"Master Obi Wan, what the heck are you doing here?"
"The dutchess Sateen is MY girlfriend!"
"What master, I thought you specificly said in clon wars season 2 trailer 'Uh yes....Anakin wait she's not my....uhh never mind.'"
"Ok Anakin, you got me."
"Mister narrator, sir?"
Yes Boba, what is it?
"I'm fine with Mira being my wife."
Anywho, the Fettiwigs have an annual Christmas party and Anakin, being Boba's best Hunter/Jedi, is invited.
"Ahh, mister Skywalker, pleasure to see you! How has your year been?"
"Very well thank you sir! How's your boss Jaba doing?"
"He's doing very well too, its been such an honor to be given command of his Corusaunt opperations. Oh, and there Is someone I would like you to meet!"
At that moment, Boba walked with Anakin over to the table the Amidalas were sitting at.
"Anakin, I would like to introduce to you, Padme Amidala!"
Anakin gazed into the eyes of the most beautiful woman he ever saw. They talked for hours and they soon discovered they had lots in common, and th-"
"Hold on one minute. That isn't how I met Padme!"
Thats how you do itn this story now shut up! As I was saying, Padme and Anakin instantly fell in love and he even propossed to her!
"Anakin, another Christmas, with this young lady, you spent."
"No spirit! Please don't show me that Christmas."
But before Anakin finished talking, they were back on Naboo in a little gazebo. Anakin couldn't believe his eyes, there was his Padme, dead. He was at her funeral. This was 20 years ago. And before you interupt me Anakin, I know you aren't that old in real life, so we aren't gonna argue more. She was dead and he was very broken, if only he was there for her, even though they were married, he rarely saw her. Now she was gone, just like Lando. They had only one child, Leia. Leia, as everybody knows, married Anakin's clerk Han whom Skywalker didn't approve of. He therefore disowned his daughter.
"Spirit, show me no more, I have seen enough. Leave me!"
Just as fast as the ghost came, he disapeared, and Skywalker found himslef back in his meditation chambers.....
Once again, Anakin was alone in his room, he tried sleeping some more but couldn't. His alarm went off, again!
"O boy! The second ghost is comming, might as well get it over with!"
"No! Narrator, what is this!"
"Hia, wanna go jellyfishing!"
"NOOOOOOOOO! Narrator, why is spongebob the 2nd ghost!?"
"He seems to be a perfect character for the role. He's jolly, he's optimistic, he likes food, he's everything you'd want in a ghost! C'mon lets sing. Ok guys, from the top! Are you ready kids?"
"Eye eye narrator!"
"I can't here you!"
"Eye eye narrator!"
OHHHHHHH, who lives in a pinapple under the sea. Spongebob Squarepants! Obsorbant and yellow and course is he! Spongebob Squarepants. Nautical knots may be something you wish, so just hop up on deck and flop like a fish. Ready? Spongebob Squarepants! Spongebob Squarepants! Spongebob Squarepants! Spongebob.....Squarepants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Whats a matter Anakin?"
"This is all wrong! Spongebob isn't even a Star Wars Character!"
Fine, BANE, get over here! Change of plans, you'll play the part of the 2nd ghost!
"Alright! I am a Duros, we can do anything!"
Not Cad Bane, Darth Bane.
"Hey Darth, aren't you supposed to be the most feared Sith ever or something? Its kinda Ironic you're portraying a jolly Santa-like fellow!"
"I know, I'm doing this for community service. Well, not really comunity service, more like work release. Ya see, I killed a family of scavengers on a planet once and-"
That's no different than Anakin killing younglings, but ok, your theghost. Ok, where was I, oh yes, Anakin walked into the next room and found a Jolly man in a room of food.
"Hohoho! I'm the ghost of Christmas present, come in and share a drink with me!"
"Now this is more like it, have any kababa juice?"
"Why certainly, did I mention I was the ghost of Christmas present?"
"Yes you did."
"Well then, we shall get going!"
"Spirit, where are we?"
"Welcome to Christmas morning!"
"Its so merry here on Corusaunt! Even the bounty hunters are being nice to the hunted! And the criminals are only stealing from the rich to give to the poor! Amazing!"
"Yes, if only you were this way. You would have so many fine friends in life. Look! Its your old friend Boba Fettiwig! Yes, gosh I haven't seen him in ages! He was a good person indeed."
"The sad thing is, he doesen't think much of you anymore, let alone remember you. Lets stalk him home."
"Whats this dump spirit?"
"Why, you don't remember it, this is the bounty hunter agency. Right after you quit, this place went out of buisness since you brought in most of it."
"please, lets get out of here!"
"Alright, Alright c'mon, we have more places to see and so little time!"
As soon as Anakin said this, the two appeared in a nice apartment in the corusaunt upper city with about 11 people inside. These people were, a young twilek girl and her older brother, the Vao's! Next were Starkiller, Juno Eclipse, and there new child. Kyle Katarn and Jan were there too along with Captain Rex. And At both heads of the table were, yes, Anakin's nephew Luke and his wife Mara Jade with there son Cade!
"Finaly you got something right!"
Ok Anakin, just for that I'm changing Luke's wife from Mara Jade to Bastila Shan! And there child is Harry Potter.
"OK OK THIS IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE! Bastila your my girl, I thought you loved me, not Skyguy the second."
"I'm right with ya Revan, wana go get a Krabby Patty?"
"I'll make them right here costumer!"
Thanks spongebob, now back to the story! Ohh yeah, and I was just kidding about Harry Potter. So they were all of a sudden transported to Luke Skywalker's apartment where he was having his party.
"Lets play a game of Scharades!"
"Ooo I love Scharades, I used to play it with Griff all the time!"
"Ok Mission, I'll start if its ok with you."
"Go ahead Mr. Skywalker."
All of a sudden Luke started imitating a Jedi knight crouched down with scruffy hair. He then put on a mask of black that resembled much of Darth Vader's. Mission was the first to speak.
"Close, but not quite."
Starkiller spoke next.
"My old Master?"
"Ohh, yes, but you didn't say his name."
"Isn't it Darth Vader Honey?"
"Why yes Juno, it certainly is, you are getting much warmer, you can almost guess who I am!"
"Why, your imitating General Skywalker!"
"Right you are Rex! Very good. Now who wants desert?"
"Spirit, they are mocking me, and some of these people are my friends like Rex, Starkiller, and my nephew!"
"Indeed they are Anakin, but that doesen't mean that they are not aware of your cruelty, come, there is another place I wish to take you too. They soon appeared inside a shabby slum in the lower city."
"What is this foresaken place?"
"This is the home of Han Solo and your daughter Leia."
"Its so shabby!"
"Yeah, too bad they can't afford a nice home like Luke."
"Well it turns out that Han's boss dosen't pay very much."
"Who is his boss, that isn't very nice!"
"Oh yeah, he he!"
"Master, I found other siblings who could play us."
"I was just watching TV and Hanna Montana was the only thing on, and I thought that Miley and Jackson would be perfect!"
"We kinda already finished that part. Besides, you don't even like Hanna Montana."
"I don't, but that dosen't mean its not funny at times!"
Ok Spirit, continue.
"The Solo's live here, look, right there, thats your daugter Leia and her husband and your clerk Han. Thats there oldest, Jacean and his twin Anakin Solo."
"Ahh, how nice, they named him after me."
"Actually, they named him after your father."
"Oh, I see."
"The girl is Juhani and those are their orphaned cousins on Han's side of the family they took in, my apprentice Zannah and her older brother who's name escapes me right now."
"And who's that guy over there?"
"Thats, Stewie. he's crippled."
"What!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stewie Gryphin! From Family Guy! You honestly think I'm going to eccept him into the role of Tiny Tim?"
"How is he even related to Star Wars."
Well, they have a new special out called FAMILY GUY Something Something Something Darkside out now. Its a spoof of Star Wars.
"Fair enough, so he's crippled, why don't they get a doctor?"
"You don't pay enough?"
As Both Darth Ba- I mean the ghost of Christmas Spirit and Anakin walked away, they heard Stewies little voice say in his sophisticated British accent-
"May the force bless us, everyone."
"Spirit, will the child survive?"
But he was gone and Anakin found himself in his chambers once again.....
Anakin fially got an hour or so of sleep before the next ghost would arrive. It was a restless dreamless sleep, or perhaps he drempt the first two ghosts, thats what he thought when he woke up at least, but he woke up not to the alarm nor the bells of Christmas Morning, but to a dark shaddow hovering over his bed. Anakin slipped on his robes and opened the certains on his bed.
Hovering over him was a very tall black figure in flowing capes and robes with a white mask. He wasn't the only figure there though, but there was also a young Mirakula girl standing next to him.
"Are you the ghost of Christmas yet to come?"
"Ghree yuhkgom ack gloop, chiff am dakimus!"
"What I didn't get that, and what up with your voice?"
"This is my Master Darth Nihilus, and I'm Visas Marr, and yes he is the third ghost."
"Oh, please disregard my previous statement, it was kinda uncalled for. So can we get this over with, I'm really tired. And by the way, you are by far the coolest ghost I've met tonite!"
"Goo da lassa!"
Darth Nihilus, the ghost of Christmas yet to come gave Anakin a big hug. Darth Nihilus was misunderstood and was very sensitive, not just with the force, but in emotions too!
"He says thank you, you made his day."
Whoa there Anakin! What is this. Your supposed to be afraid of the ghost of Christmas future! You're treating him as if he's your friend!
"Well, actually he attends the annual Sith Lord reunion, every Sith Lord no matter how minor must attend!"
I see, just pretend to be scared of him, k?
"Ok, Ahhh, ohhh, what monster is this?
What, no igniting lightsabers in here Nihilus, he's just kidding. remember its just a story.
"Master, no hurting people, your counciler won't be happy. Take a deep breath. Thats it. Now hand me your lightsaber. Good master. Want a treat?"
"Ok, I guess I've taken it a bit too far. Carry on,"
The ghost took Anakin and Visas to a graveyard, and from there, they got transported through time to a very dirty crime infested city.
"What are we doing here on Nar Shadda?"
The spirit showed Anakin a sign that said, "Welcome to Corusaunt."
"Surely this can't be Corusaunt spirit?"
Nihilus shook his head and showed Anakin all of the gloomy refugees that dwelt in this terrible city."
"My master wishes to show you another thing. come, this is the exchange hq."
Nihilus and Visas showed Anakin Davik Kang's and GOTO's crime agency and-
"Uhh, mister narrator, I have a question?"
Yes Visas, what is it?
"Well, uhh, first of all GOTO and Davik never worked for each other and Anakin and Davik/Goto never lived at the same time."
Niether did you Visas, remember that this story isn't part of cannon.
"Ohhhhhhh, I see! I never knew that, I just signed up because Nihilus and I just wanted to do some extra curricular stuff!"
So Davik and GOTO had a big basket of stuff which they were dividing while their hunter's, Mira, Hannhar, Calo, and Canderous guarded them.
"Alright GOTO, you can have his lightsaber, you always loved hunting Jedi!"
"Yup, and you always had a thing for clothes and fine cloaks, so you can keep his robes."
"Ohh! Can I have his black cape too?"
"Ahh whatever, as long as I get his cool mask and armor!"
The two men divided the possesions of this unfortunate soul until Anakin asked of something.
"Spirit, can you please take me to the Solo's home, I wish to see what became of them?"
"GHOOLASH KAAP BUT SHIM!"
"My Master says that that was already in his itenerary. Come, lets get going!"
They soon arived in the gloomy apartment in the lower city that Bane took him earlier, but, it seemed even the more gloomy. Was it because the city got the more gloomy itself, or was it because there was an empty chair with crutches?
"Oh no Spirit, Stewies dead?"
"No I'm not you dimwit! I'm right over here planning to take over the world! Ohh, where are my manners? Snowcone?"
Uggh! Stewie, your supposed to be dead!
"Well excuse me for being polite! I'm usually on a show rated TV 14 that isn't appropriate for young children if you don't mind. You might as well have Phineas or Ferb play Tiny Tim! Good day too you!'
"Ferb, I know what we're going to do today!"
There are 104 days of summer vacation and school comes along just to end it, so, the anual problem for this generation is finding a goodway to spend it!
Like maybe........Building a spaceship or fighting Darth Malak or climbing up the senate building! Breeding A Hutt the size of Jabba or giving a Bantha a shower! YA YA YA! Playing Tiny tim, In a Star Wars Christmas Carol or even finding a star map. "Its over here" Rocking out out with bith's, telling some twilek myths or piloting the Milenium Falcon! As you can see there's a bunch of stuff besides fighting fat boars! So stick with us either Phineas and Ferb are now apart of Star Wars!
"Mom, Phineas and Ferb are in a Star Wars Christmas Carol!"
"Ok, Ferb is the idea person, I'll play Tiny Tim."
"You are aware we're minors, Phineas, we probably won't get payed a shilling for this!"
"I know, but it'll be fun!"
"You mean, Spirit, Stew- i mean Phineas is, dead?!"
The ghost shook his head.
"Yes, My master also says he's not the only one dead."
"Oh, Ferb, we got totaly ripped off, I only get to play a dead guy! Lets get Stewie, he stole my role, get him."
"I'll be glad to get him, I'm not due back until the certain call! After all, I am a bounty hunter."
"Ok Boba, Ferb and I will stay and watch the show!"
The ghost led Anakin back to the gravyard where he was shocked to see, his own grave!
"Spirit what is this, some sort of trick?"
He shook his head.
"No spirit, surely this is only something that will possibly happen. There is still time to change, right? Please Spirit, answer me!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Anakin tugged on Nihilus' cloak and soon found himself tugging on his own bedsheets. It was bright outside. It was Christmas Morning!
It was Christmas morning! Scr--I mean Anakin got himself up and did a little song and dance!
"Hey, wait a minute, I don't dance! Everybody knows I don't dance!"
"You sing though Anakin! You do in the shower every day!"
"I wasn't asking you Luke was I?"
"He also has 15 different lufas and a snuggie!"
"LALALALALLALALAL! I'm not listening!"
As I was saying, Anakin walked over to his window and saw a little twilek girl named Numa.
"Hey, little girl! What day is it?"
"Mara Mara Christmas Day Mara!"
"Obi Wan, whats she saying? I don't speak twilek."
"Mara means brother as I have stated In Clone Wars episode 18 season 1."
"Brother, Brother, its Christmas, Brother. She said its Christmas! Hurray!"
"Bara Bara! Get me a Christmas turkey Bara!"
"Ya Mara, ya Mara! HAHAHAHA!"
"Obi Wan, what is it? Bara does mean sister right?"
"Actually Bara means, butt."
"So, now shes getting me a trukey......butt?"
"Indeed. Don't worry, I'm sure she understood your poor efforts to speak twilek."
Anakin skipped downstairs and oppened the door leading out to the upper city of Coruscaunt. He had a song on his lips like he sings in the shower every morning.
"Ba Da dadada duuuuu, bada dad dat daa. Sing your happy song! Smurf the whole day long! Yaya! Something Something yeah I'll get all of you I hate smurfs. LALALALA. Youll be smurfy soon! Yeah!"
"Oh no, its that Skywalker fellow again Artoo!"
"I know, ahh he's coming our way!"
"Hello gents! How about 1000 credits, here ya go. Merry Christmas!" Anakin walked away leaving giant sacks of credits with the droids.
"Ohh, too little, let me double that! 2000 credits! 1000 for you, and 1000 for the poor! Ohh, Merry Christmas!"
Anakin went to all the places he never believed existed, the toy store, the Coruscaunt Upper City Emprorium, a bunch of places! His first stop was to distribute all of his gifts to all his friends, and then he went to Han's apartment, it was right where it was in his dream. Or was it a dream? Leia was cooking dinner, just like in the dream, little Phineas/Stewie said may the Force bless us, Everyone! Then he walked inside the house.
"Han Solo! Why weren't you at work this morning?"
"But sir, you gave me the day off to spend time with my family and friends."
"I did no such thing, however I'm willing to give you the whole rest of the week off, as well as raising your salary and making you my full time partner. In yo face Lando!"
"I just got served."
That you did Lando, now back to the true story!
"You are taking away my uncel's lif you dispicible monster!"
"Juhani, wait! What did you just say Anakin?"
"I'm going to double your salary, give you the whole week off, and make you my full time partner. In yo face Lando!"
"Oooooooookey dokeey boss! I mean partner!"
C'mon, my nephew Luke has Christmas dinner waiting. Wanna come, he says your invited?"
"Really, that'l be great?!"
Anakin and the family walked with the turkey butt Numa gave them to Luke's house, and boy was he suprised!
"Great walk in!" said Luke.
They were all there, Mission, Galen, Juno, Griff, Kyle, and the others. And Anakin became a second father to Phineas/Stewie.
Well, wasn't that fun guys?
"Yeah it was mister narrator. Now who the heck are you so I can beat the heck outta you?"
I'm commin, I'm commin!
Yesire, who'd ya expect to be the narrator? Lets sing the Star Wars Christmas special theme song from 1978. I bought all but one copy it was so bad! I don't know what happened to it though? Ohh well, some things I just guess are mysteries.
(On the other side of the world, a guy from a third world country puts in a Star Wars Christmas special vid and watches it.)
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