First time I read this, and not even the beginning yet, but I noticed something. You say in the first chapter, when you arrive on Tatooine,, that the troopers come to check your business.
1. The mind trick goes like the troopers say it. You just influence their words, not command them with the jedi mind trick
2. The other troopers would be influenced too, in that situation
More care into the writing. You shall be good in writing soon enought