My only problem with this is that you swich between past and present tense... it would be easier and more enjoyable to read if you stayed in one, preferrably past. I've only read one present tense story that I actually liked.
I also hate my knowledge of the English language as it causes me to be annoyed at things that wouldn't ordinarily annoy... the sound you make when you are greatly amused is a 'laugh', not a laph... sorry, my writing backround refused to let me ignore that.
Other than these things, I like the story and will look forward to more. You are a great RPer and (apparently) a pretty good storyteller as well.