This is good and I'm sure it can and will be better.
ok first thing's first: Captain is not the same thing than Commander, so you should only put captain, it's the correct term for this type of rank.
ok you should give us a description, details of the surrounding of the commander so we can picture him somewhere, tell us with who he is, where etc etc
ok that's it for now, I didn't read all of it yet, but I will.
[This message has been edited by Jem (edited December 03, 2000).]