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Old 09-18-2005, 11:49 PM   #6
ForceFightWMe12
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Westeros
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Current Game: Dragon's Dogma
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Not bad...but a suggestion...

When you have dialouge, when a new character speaks, you may want to start a new paragraph.

ie:
“Well it’s just that he didn’t think you would come, and I don’t think he wanted you to.” I turned to look at him, he was staring out the veiwport. “What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, defensive. Malak doesn’t usually talk to me like this. “I don’t exactly understand it myself. When he left he told me who to recruit, even gave me suggestions on convincing other Jedi to join us.” He looked at the gravity plating on the floor. “I asked him if I should bring you. I know you are his friend, as much as I don’t like to admit it. When I asked him….he just said, “she will know to find you, if she chooses to come. Put her things in the cargo hold. She will want to bunk alone.””

Would be better as:
“Well it’s just that he didn’t think you would come, and I don’t think he wanted you to.”
I turned to look at him, he was staring out the veiwport. “What is that supposed to mean?” I asked, defensive. Malak didn't usually talk to me like this.
“I don’t exactly understand it myself. When he left he told me who to recruit, even gave me suggestions on convincing other Jedi to join us.” He looked at the gravity plating on the floor. “I asked him if I should bring you. I know you are his friend, as much as I don’t like to admit it. When I asked him….he just said, 'she will know to find you, if she chooses to come. Put her things in the cargo hold. She will want to bunk alone.'

Also, when a character has a thought or mind-speaks (telepathy), you may want to put it in italics.

ie:
* Rei-Va-Ahn: I will see you soon.*

Rei-Va-Ahn: I will see you soon.

Just a few suggestions. It makes your writing easier to read.

Other than that, it seems alright to me...


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