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Old 03-02-2006, 12:47 AM   #7
Jae Onasi
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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Current Game: Guild Wars 2, VtMB, TOR
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I find the concept of this fic very interesting, and I'll enjoy following your story as it develops. Your 2nd and 3rd chapters are better and more descriptive than the first. While I could follow chapter one well enough, a few commas to cut down on the run-on sentences would make it even better. That's just a style thing and it's easy to fix, fortunately. I check out my grammar style guide every now and then for the nit-picky details. Consider slowing the pace down a little and adding more description to all the pieces, especially ch. 3, where you have a ton of information and activity. I use a page separate from the main story (or journal article, or whatever I'm writing at the time) to jot down my action ideas, outline, and snips of conversation that I think might be fun to include--that way, I didn't feel like I have to write them all down in the main story in order to remember them all. I hate coming up with something that sounds really cool and then forgetting it because I didn't have it jotted down somewhere.
I can tell you're visualizing something really cool, but I can only see what you describe to me in your story. The more details you add, the better I'll be able to recreate that picture in my mind, too. If I say, "the sky is blue," you'll get a picture of a blue sky, but it doesn't tell you anything else. Compare that picture to this: "the sky was a shade of robin's egg blue, the kind of sky that one usually sees on a clear May morning. The unusually warm morning caused an ever-so-slight haze, but otherwise no clouds could be seen floating by. There was no hint of the tremendously violent storms that would rip through the little village later that day." You get a much better sense of just what kind of sky I'm seeing in my head. If you use more details, I'll be able to see your vision of Ashira even better. I'll find out her likes, dislikes, history, personality, how she looks, and so on from the way you describe her, her conversations with others, and how she acts in any given situation. I hope that doesn't come across to harsh, because in general I do like it. I just happen to be a. a bit sleep-deprived at the moment, and b. on some pain meds because I hurt my arm a few days ago (happily, no big deal now), so if it comes across as overly critical, please forgive me!
Please keep writing! I'm really looking forward to your next installment.


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