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Old 04-08-2006, 02:21 PM   #28
Char Ell
@Char Ell
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Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 2,370
Current Game: The Old Republic
LFN Staff Member  Folder extraordinaire  Forum Veteran 
Well, it took a while to read everything from the beginning again.
Originally Posted by post #6
Taris was a pearl, with layers of beauty, and inside the filth that began it all.
An apt image to sum up the planet Taris. I really liked this sentence.

Originally Posted by post #6 Apartments
The Sith merely drew his sidearm, and shot the protester. “That is how we Sith deal with smart mouthed aliens! Now up against the wall before I lose my temper again!”
This works but I thought I should point out the fact that in the game this Sith soldier used a blaster rifle.

Originally Posted by post #7
Besides, there’s at least two of the Interdictor class cruisers in orbit, and a dozen smaller ships.
Were Interdictor class ships in use in 4,000 BBY?

Why did you place the rakghoul serum in the Black Vulkar base instead of on the dead Sith trooper's body in the Undercity (where it's located in-game)?

Originally Posted by post #12
“Yes. He put me in a Bacta tank for an hour or so, and I’m fine now.”
Are you sure you want to use the term Bacta tank instead of kolto like the game uses?

This is a very good story. I like how you've added some enhancements like the Taris Undercity plant and it's relationship to the Rakghoul disease. The underground tram to the "Promised Land" and additional background detail about what the "Promised Land" is and how it came into existence is also a nice touch. I also like how you've handled relating the dream sequences. All in all quite an enjoyable read.

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