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Old 04-24-2006, 03:37 PM   #22
Jae Onasi
@Jae Onasi
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Originally Posted by machievelli
All right, sixteen hits and nothing? Is it really that bad?
Some of us have other responsibilities to attend to before we can take the time to read it through entirely and express appreciation in a complete way beyond a simple 'good job' (which is fine, but I do like to offer a little bit more that that....) I had an attack of Life and some projects last week so I didn't get a chance to do more than skim the forum, make a few comments, and get a couple chapters of mine out of my head before it drove me completely crazy.

So, now that I've had the chance to read through this properly and give it the attention it so fully deserves, I have to say I'm thoroughly enjoying it. A4 telling Breia Solo 'I am not a toaster,' was hilarious. I'm still chuckling about it several chapters later.

I only had a few very minor problems when reading it. I'm aware that it's a draft so I'm not getting too picky about the piddly details.
Nar Shaddaa has 2 d's.
Comma usage--most of us use too many or use them in the wrong place. You use them in the right place, but sometimes not often enough. There were a few times where I went 'huh?', re-read it, mentally added commas, and then thought 'oh, OK, that's what he meant.' This caught my eye only a few times in the entire piece to date, so it's not a huge deal.
You've added enough characters into the story that in this last chapter, I forgot who was going in what ship, except Hawk's Flight. It's not a problem of too many characters, it just was a problem of not re-stating who was where. I could have gone back to re-read and figure it out, but I didn't feel like working that hard today.
This may be my personal thing because I like a lot of sensory description of places and people--sometimes you may need to add just a little more for us to get the full impact. You don't do a bad job by any many means, and this last chapter was very good in that respect. I just know you have the ability to take it from an A- or A to an A+ without adding too much more.

The things I liked were many. The action sequences were good. Finding out that it was the people on the stations who went nuts and killed themselves was an interesting twist.
The science of the chemical was interesting and believable and probably not over-technical for the non-science people. However, I've had so much science now that my perspective on what I think people should know and what their knowledge base really is is likely to be 2 different things. Since I've had organic chem, biochem, physiology, and pharmacology, I found myself thinking about this more than most might, but it worked for me and believe me, if it didn't, I'd let you know, since science inaccuracies drive me nuts.

Totally off tangent:
I was thinking of PMing and letting you know I'd be happy to provide tech advice on medical stuff when I realized I'd be happy to do that for anyone here on the forum (within constraints of time).
I'm also wondering if a thread/sticky for people willing to offer tech advice on their area of expertise so we could pick their brains now and then would be useful--I know I could have used some advice on security awhile back.

Back on track:
I like seeing different cultures' descriptions, and so hearing about different species' development was cool for me. I'm intrigued by the Sulishti and by Landru having fallen to the dark side. I was fascinated by the idea that Jedi of this time would use force powers considered part of the 'dark side' and not be particularly bothered by that. Your humor bits are really funny and keep me laughing for quite some time. I like A4's sassy attitude.

And of course I'm looking forward to reading more.

From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
Story WIP: The Dragonfighters
My blog: Confessions of a Geeky Mom--Latest post: Security Alerts!

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