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Old 04-24-2006, 05:33 PM   #23
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
lol: Some of us have other responsibilities to attend to before we can take the time to read it through entirely and express appreciation in a complete way beyond a simple 'good job' (which is fine, but I do like to offer a little bit more that that....) I had an attack of Life and some projects last week so I didn't get a chance to do more than skim the forum, make a few comments, and get a couple chapters of mine out of my head before it drove me completely crazy. [/QUOTE]

I know what you mean. It's just that I put it up and no one had said squat! I wondered, did I do it wrong? Thank you. I have attacks of life a lot too. Nack in Novemeber our car was stolen and we're still 5,000 in the hole from what we had to put out trying to get a new car on short notice etc.

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
So, now that I've had the chance to read through this properly and give it the attention it so fully deserves, I have to say I'm thoroughly enjoying it. A4 telling Breia Solo 'I am not a toaster,' was hilarious. I'm still chuckling about it several chapters later.

I only had a few very minor problems when reading it. I'm aware that it's a draft so I'm not getting too picky about the piddly details.
Nar Shaddaa has 2 d's.
Comma usage--most of us use too many or use them in the wrong place. You use them in the right place, but sometimes not often enough. There were a few times where I went 'huh?', re-read it, mentally added commas, and then thought 'oh, OK, that's what he meant.' This caught my eye only a few times in the entire piece to date, so it's not a huge deal.
Mea culpa. I'll fix it.

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
You've added enough characters into the story that in this last chapter, I forgot who was going in what ship, except Hawk's Flight. It's not a problem of too many characters, it just was a problem of not re-stating who was where. I could have gone back to re-read and figure it out, but I didn't feel like working that hard today.
How do you think I feel? I had two Breias simultaneously and had to come up with a quick fix so people would tell them apart. I will go back to that segment, and clean it up. Promise.

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
This may be my personal thing because I like a lot of sensory description of places and people--sometimes you may need to add just a little more for us to get the full impact. You don't do a bad job by any many means, and this last chapter was very good in that respect. I just know you have the ability to take it from an A- or A to an A+ without adding too much more.
I will do what I can.

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
:The things I liked were many. The action sequences were good. Finding out that it was the people on the stations who went nuts and killed themselves was an interesting twist.
The science of the chemical was interesting and believable and probably not over-technical for the non-science people. However, I've had so much science now that my perspective on what I think people should know and what their knowledge base really is is likely to be 2 different things. Since I've had organic chem, biochem, physiology, and pharmacology, I found myself thinking about this more than most might, but it worked for me and believe me, if it didn't, I'd let you know, since science inaccuracies drive me nuts.
I have zip training in any of those skills. I created the idea originally using just the one gas, but then figured that there would have been an accident already at least once. I know how you feel about science inaccuracies; I feel the same way about not only scientific ones, but about military ones as well.

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
:Totally off tangent:
I was thinking of PMing and letting you know I'd be happy to provide tech advice on medical stuff when I realized I'd be happy to do that for anyone here on the forum (within constraints of time).
I'm also wondering if a thread/sticky for people willing to offer tech advice on their area of expertise so we could pick their brains now and then would be useful--I know I could have used some advice on security awhile back.
I think it's a great idea! I think I should start with a lot of the writers who are actually selling. Some are great, but when you have someone talk about the 'brigade' of 200 men I think of the bloody IRA. Or using the wrong caliber ammunition in an Uzi. That kind of thing.

Suggest it to Stingerzh or Darth333. I know a lot of people here would enjoy the help. Being a techno-gek, I have both the vehicle and weapons books from Star Wars and the Enqyclopedia and New Essential Chronology. Always ready to help.

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
Back on track:
I like seeing different cultures' descriptions, and so hearing about different species' development was cool for me. I'm intrigued by the Sulishti and by Landru having fallen to the dark side. I was fascinated by the idea that Jedi of this time would use force powers considered part of the 'dark side' and not be particularly bothered by that. Your humor bits are really funny and keep me laughing for quite some time. I like A4's sassy attitude.
How much do you remember of Religious history? In the 12th century if you claimed a witch could do magic, the chruch declared you a heretic. In the 13th, they declared you a heretic if you said a witch could not. In the 19th they told you you were taking something illegal, and in the 20th they are back to Witches are servants of the devil again.

What is considered right and proper depends, as Obi Wan said, on your point of view.

Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
And of course I'm looking forward to reading more.
Thank you.I will try to prove worthy.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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