Thread: The Sith Lord
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Old 05-31-2006, 10:57 AM   #88
Jae Onasi
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I've read through it, and had some thoughts on things to improve (none of which are a huge deal) and things I like.

First, make sure to add more line breaks. Double space between each change of speaker when you're doing dialog. It makes it much easier to follow when reading online, especially for those of us with 'older eyes'.

I saw a comment that you or someone else thought there was too much dialog--I think it's almost impossible to have too much dialog--it's the characters who should be telling the story as much as possible, describing things, figuring out problems, telling each other solutions, that sort of thing. Obviously you can't describe a good chunk of battle sequences that way, but feel free to let your characters do the descriptions. I'm glad to see you using more dialog.

You assume that everyone knows who Jaden and Kyle are, and in a SW fanfic forum, you can sort of get away with that. However, I haven't played Jedi Academy (it won't load on my laptop! ), so I don't know them at all. Make sure to describe your characters a bit in the first few chapters so we can all have an idea of who your characters are.

Make sure also that your characters are doing things that make sense and that are in keeping with their personalities. Even Sith Lords don't kill just for the sake of killing--they need to conserve their personnel resources just like anyone else, so they're not going to kill indiscriminantly. Now if you tick a Sith Lord off, that's a different story.

You have a lot of action in your stories, and I can tell you're learning to slow down the pace a little so we can keep up as readers. Keep slowing it down a bit more--the best way to do that is to describe everything in greater detail. For instance, you write in the latest 'Many Troops on both sides died.' How did they die? Did they die in clumps or scattered across the battlefield? Were there any smells of smoke, burning flesh, fire, chemicals? What kinds of sounds were there? People screaming in pain, soldiers yelling orders over the noise of blaster fire, ATATs pounding the ground? What does the battlefield look like? Hilly? Flat? Muddy? Smooth? Is there anything in the terrain that could affect the fighting abilities of one side or the other? That's not a request to change that particular sentence, btw--just something to think about as you write your next chapters. I want to see it the way you see it, because I'm sure it's a very interesting picture!

The story itself is fun, and I noticed some more variation in sentence structure than in your previous works, which helps make the writing more interesting to read. There is never a dull moment in your stories because of all the things that are happening.
So, keep going!


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