Thread: The Sith Lord
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Old 06-01-2006, 03:42 PM   #109
Follow the Wolves
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: between my ears
Posts: 4,650
Current Game: Forza 5
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well, you pm'd me to check out your fanfic. so now i'll do ya one better: i'll review it, and give you a couple of pointers at the same time.

first off, you have some good material to work with. i've played Jedi Academy, and although i thought the game's story was a bit weak, you've demonstrated that it does have some potential to be better. overall, the substance of your story is good, but its the style that gets me.

however, several problems have already been mentioned, and i'll address them here. as you have stated a couple of times, length and pacing have been problems with the story. now, IMHO, i think the problem stems from having the story primarily being told through dialog. dialog is essential to most stories, but whenever you use a lot of dialog, you have to keep in mind that dialog is another word for conversation. whenever you get into a face to face conversation with a friend, take some time to observe what happens other than what is spoken. you'll notice that more than just words are exchanged. facial and hand expressions are exchanged as well as emotions.

if you would simply put some more detail as to how the characters are feeling, their reactions to what is said, and what they're doing while the conversation takes place, then you'll notice that length is no longer an issue.

something else your story could use is some subtlety. a good story is rather boring if it isn't told very well. your issues with pacing could easily be handled if you take some time to carefully move your story along. instead of using two lines exchanged between characters to reveal four plot points, take some time to develop a smaller storyline that will slowly fill in the gaps for those four plot points. a great way to spread things out is to write out an outline on paper. you don't need details; just simply write down major events and plot points in the order you want them to be in your story.

another thing that would add length and pacing is to describe the settings better. give some backround information on the setting; describe the backround noises; comment on things within the environment such as fog, smoke, clouds of insects, et cetera. setting is always essential to any story, and describing it in detail will definately help to move the story along.

in the end, your style is lacking a bit. something to always remember in writing is that style > substance. a good story is never going to be great if the storytelling isn't up to the task. on the other hand, a mediocre story can be great if the style is great. improve the style, and this fanfic will be one of the greats.

just trying to help, so don't take this the wrong way.

See the struggle of the faithless lot as they negate their time
How low to sink to the depths of their frame of mind

Last edited by stingerhs; 06-01-2006 at 04:00 PM.
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