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Old 07-14-2006, 01:03 PM   #28
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: White City
Posts: 3,486
Current Game: Overwatch
Forum Veteran  Helpful!  Contest winner - Fan Fiction 
Originally Posted by Jae Onasi
I like the start. I can't speak to the accuracy of the Vong details because I haven't read the Vong books.
I would add a little more scene description to add color so I can 'see' what's going on. When you can, let the characters talk to each other to give the story instead of you as narrator telling me. If someone is nervous, instead of telling me 'he's nervous', describe what he's doing that shows he's nervous--is he fidgeting? Tapping his foot? That kind of thing. The conversation between Ralik and Xerx was interesting. The only thing that caught my eye was Ralik questioning Xerx openly--in those kinds of society, you could get struck down dead for questioning orders like that.
However, that's a little detail.
Keep writing.
That's a great advice Jae, thanks. I'll work on that. As for the detail about the Vong, as I said in my first post, I'm working with the info from those two sites, so I too have absolutely no idea how accurate it is.

Originally Posted by Pottsie
Good Chapter igyman. It might be short, but it makes me want to read the next part and see the battle.
It will be more a battle of minds, at least the main event will. There is a battle in the background.

One question for all of you: As you've noticed I've been posting one chapter a day. Do you think that's too fast? Should I wait a bit longer before I post the next chapter?

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