I have read igyman's fic and I find it to be a very interesting read. I do agree with Jae that more description is needed to give and idea of facial expressions and feelings. Also I suggest that when you plan out a chapter you might want think about how the events are connected. In my opinion I would have combined chapter's 1 and 2 since they tie together better. The whole dream getting interrupted by a summons and then going to meet the commander. In chapter 3 I was expecting a bit of a fight but it shows an interesting side of your baddie. I am curious as to who is 'whispering in his ear.'
One more suggestion: when you write thoughts, put them in italics. It gives a good indication and differentiation between the spoken word and the thought. I would like to see more so keep posting.