-Yep, I was the one who forced her to register by registering her an account, so sometimes I don't think and log in as her-
I remember the first Psychonauts fanfic and I read all of the first 5 pages until I lost faith in the FF.net section of Psychonauts.
My problem with most Psychonauts fanfiction is that it has too serious of a tone. It seems people enjoyed the game for its quirkiness but would much rather turn the quirks into something much darker, which loses the surreal psychotic happiness feeling that Psychonauts gave off.
That and the romance section really throws me off. Instead of having the two characters interact in character, as the crazy people they are, they become hollow shells that follow tired paths to romance. Some will even go so far as to change the character's appearance for no reason but to make them more attractive.
I would love to write Psychonauts fanfiction myself, but it's the same reason why I don't write Simpsons fanfiction. The feeling of both is very hard to pin without becoming sappy, akward, or just plain mediocre. I'm reading over my old fanfiction and cringing.
I'd still like to give a crack at it one of these days.
The part where Max turns against Sasha is very quick, build up to it, it just seems strange that all of a sudden he would turn on him when they're having so much fun. That, or add malice to the first part where they're talking.
Milla tore up the hall with her long stilettos, traveling at speeds high enough that she could outrun a cheetah. Probably not, but nevertheless, she was going very fast.
This seems very out of place in the context of your story. If you had done this throughout your story, it would have made more sense, but here it just sounds akward.