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Old 11-11-2006, 12:05 PM   #8
Digitaldreamer
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Probably the middle of nowhere
Posts: 157
If you're tired, then you could always just save what you have written and add more onto the chapter, really...it seems your second chapter could really just be tagged onto the end of your first chapter and they could just be one chapter.

Right, anyway, this chapter was better. Sasha seemed a bit more IC and I'm amused by Oleander, looks like he's not quite as "fixed" as everyone thought. And of course, more introductions of the campers is always good, and your OC is...interesting, to say the least.

Your grammar could still use a bit of work, and your formatting is a bit wonky...also, you could still really use more detail. Even in a humor fic, adjectives are your friends. You know, tell us what the area looks like, what the temprature feels like, the sounds, the smells, etc, etc...yes, we already know from playing the game, but discribing your setting helps put the reader "there", persay. We don't need page after page of flowing discription, but even so, some would be good.

Hoping to see more~!


“Raz,” Oleander groaned. “How many times do I have to tell you? You don't have to sneak in here past security every time you come anymore! You can just come in through the gate! You know, like everyone else?”

“Oh, I know. I just like this way better.”


--Cursum Perficio, chapter two, by Digitaldreamer.
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