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Old 02-01-2007, 05:43 PM   #29
JediMaster12
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Nice to see that you finally began this Pottsie and to think I didn't need Kujo my killer pencil to prod you

*clears throat*

It behooves me to say that I was disappointed with your ending of the escape Pottsie. It wasn't that it was rushed but I felt that there was a lack of detail that gave the image of tension and nerves shattering in an attempt to escape. I would have expected to see Atton gazing intently out of the screen, watching intently what was going on outside the Hawk. I couldn't tell if you were attempting to make Mical like David from Independence day with the "Must go faster, must go faster,go go go go go!" thing. If that were the case, I would have added a bit more fervency in Mical's voice, maybe Mira interjecting to the ship getting hit by rock like, "Atton are you trying to hit every rock?" or something like that. It would add to the tension and justify Atton's outburst of "shut up!"

The very end I think was weak in that you didn't portray the relief that comes from just having escaped. Most people I have read mention like they felt the loss of the adrenaline rush or something of that nature. I don't know but somehow I get the feeling that you didn't put that much effort into this chapter as you did with the previous and your best shortie in the other thread. I apologize if I seem overly crtical but this chapter seems to make your bounty hunter piece sound better. I don't know if it was a drabble that you had in mind or something but I have seen you do better and I hope it is nothing serious that affects your writing.

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