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Old 02-05-2007, 03:36 PM   #32
Dum Spiramus Tuebimur
JediMaster12's Avatar
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I read Chapter One again and I have to say that it is much better Topsite. BTW, that is a nice anagram of Pottsie. If you think this will keep you safe from the flying manuscript, then you are sadly mistaken

Anyway, I see that you put alot more detail into the chapter regarding Atton and his trying to fly out of the Trayus Core. The sarcasm does Atton sound justice. You did have a grammar error. It is "lose" not "loose." That taken in wrong context could proove Atton to be a ladies man. I suggest going back and looking for stuff like that. Also you left us hanging. You mentioned Mira but you didn't say if she left or stayed in the cockpit since she said that comment to Atton on the way out. It seems that when you attempted to correct one thing, you left holes, like you had the idea and it died by the wayside. If you do that, then you leave us as readers unsatisfied in completion. Your attempt was good and I hope you continue to make improvements.

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