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Old 02-09-2007, 05:05 PM   #1
Jae Onasi
@Jae Onasi
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[FIN] Heroes of the Republic: The Post-event Interview

Comments are welcome here. Thanks!

Ooh, I made a boo-boo in the KFM thread and forgot to say thank you to JediMaster12/Kiraboros for the beta! So, thank you!

This was an entry for the Dueling Circle Challenge #27 (New Beginnings) over at Kotorfanmedia. I thought it'd be fun to post here. It's inspired by all those post-game interviews, especially all those we'll be seeing today after the Superbowl--go Bears!!


The Heroes of the Republic have just saved the galaxy from the evil Darth Malak. The Republic Network is proud to present the awards ceremony and interviews of these fine, upstanding citizens. Stay tuned for more!

Bob: Hello everyone! This is Bob Costalot, official newscaster for your source for intergalactic news, The Republic Network. Iím here today with our reporter-in-the-field, Julie Caputaero, for the event of the millenniumóhonoring the Heroes of the Star Forge Battle.

Julie (waves): Hi everyone!! Itís great to be here with you!

Bob: Weíre bringing to you a live feed of the fantastic celebration on an unknown planet. Julieís just flown to the Outer Rim where a number of men, women, and sentients have just saved our Republic from certain destruction from the evil Darth Malak.

Julie: Weíre just so excited, Bob! Itís hard to believe that only a couple days ago, the Republic was totally doomed by the evil Sith Lord. Itís a new day for all of us!

Bob: We share your excitement, Julie! Tell us a little about the planet youíre on for all our viewers out there.

Julie: Get this, Bobóitís the Unknown Planet! It has palm trees, beautiful white sand, warm water, a couple thousand Gizka, a bunch of wrecked ships scattered artfully here and there, the occasional rancor lumbering by, and these unusual sentients who bear an uncanny resemblance to the Coneheads.

Bob: Fantastic! You couldnít ask for a more descriptive planet name. Stay clear of those rancors, Julie!

Julie (bobbing her head up and down): Oh, I will Bob, I will!

Bob: So, Julie, tell our viewers about this building that theyíre seeing.

Julie: Itís a big thing made of stone, Bob!

Bob: Thatís a fascinating portrayal of the Rakatan Temple, Julie. Anything else?

Julie: I have to tell you, Bob, that it was really creepy until they got all those dead Dark Jedi and piles of destroyed droids out of that temple this morning.

Bob: Didnít it serve as the force field generator for the Star Forge?

Julie: It sure did. Now that the Star Forge has been blown to bits by the brave Admiral Dodonna and her fleet, its future is a bit unclear. Some of the natives want to invoke the historic landmark preservation laws and keep it as a museum. However, Czerkaís very interested in purchasing the site and converting the temple into a bunch of condos or possibly a vacation resort. The western face of the temple has a divine view of the ocean. I bet those condos would go for prime credits!

Bob: No doubt, Julie. Tell our viewers whatís happening at the temple right now.

Julie (holding the earpiece tight to her ear): Bob, bear with me. The crowd just got very noisyóthe cheering is tremendous and I can hardly hear you. Iím waiting to speak with our Republic heroesótheyíve just received the coveted Cross of Glory! Oh, I just canít stand the excitement!

Bob: Thatís the highest honor the Republic gives. And well deserved! Congratulations to all of them!

Julie: Iím wading through some of the crowd to get to them right now, Bob.

Bob: I see you managed to catch up with one of our heroes. Who do you have there, Julie?

Julie: Bob, I have here with me Revan, formerly known as Darth Revan, who has now returned to the Light Side and saved the Republic from utter doom. And might I add, she has great hair! How does it feel to be a hero, Revan?

Revan: Thanks, Julie. Thank the Force we all made it through safe. I donít feel like a hero, to be honest. I have to give the credit to all my teammatesówithout them, I wouldnít be here.

Julie: Thatís a very humble answer for someone who wanted to dominate the galaxy only a short time ago. Youíre a new woman now.

Revan: Well, Julie, love and friendship can carry you through a lot of hard times. We worked together. None of us could have done this alone.

Julie: So, what did you feel when you stuck that lightsaber into Darth Malak for the final time?

Revan: Uh, his weight.

Julie (looks disappointed at that answer): Ohhhkaaay. Letís move on. What are your plans for the future now that the Star Forge is gone?

Revan: Iím going to relax some, take some time to get to know Carth better, just be a couch-Jedi for a little bit. Itís been a long few months since the Council erased all my memories and sent me on this quest to take out Malak. I really need some down-time for a few weeks.

Julie (waggles eyebrows): Oh, any plans in the future for the good Captain Onasi?

Revan: Youíll just have to wait and see, Julie!

Bob: Revan, itís Bob Costalot of The Republic Network. I want to express the gratitude of the entire Republic for saving our galaxy.

Revan: Thanks, Bob.

Bob: After your well-deserved break, whatís next? Does the Council have any plans?

Revan: Theyíll probably debate it for the next hundred years. Iím thinking of just stealing away in the dead of night without anyone except T3M4. Iíll fly to the Unknown Regions to stop an even greater threat to the galaxy.

Julie (laughing): Oh, youíre such a jokester, Revan! Anything else youíd like to add for our viewers?

Revan: Thanks for believing in us. We couldnít let you down when we knew we had the support of the entire galaxy behind us.

Julie: Thatís wonderful, Revan. Letís move on toÖBastila. Tell us, Bastila, how does it feel to be a hero?

Bastila: A Jedi does not seek to be a hero. I was just glad that we all survived the encounter. The Force was with us.

Julie: We thank you for your amazing work just the same. Now, I understand you survived Malakís torture. What has the experience taught you?

Bastila: It taught me that Force Lightning is a shockingly bad way to torture someone. However, Revanís belief in my good nature was inspirational, and I can only thank her for redeeming me.

Julie: What will you do next? Itís a new beginning for everyone!

Bastila: I do hope the Council will wipe my memories of my torture, but barring that, Iíll work on the issues with my mother and try to keep Revan from falling to the Dark Side again.

Julie: Thanks again for joining us, Bastila. Itís a real pleasure talking with a hero like you.

Bastila: Saving the galaxy is all in a dayís work for a Jedi.

Bob: Bastila is certainly a princess among Jedi, Julie.

Julie: She sure is, Bob. Next I have with me Zaalbar, the Wookiee. Tell me, Zaalbar, how does it feel to be a hero of the Republic and a savior of the galaxy?

(Zaalbar issues a series of growls, howls, and grunts)

Julie (looking confused): Iím not quite getting what heís saying, Bob. Iím afraid I donít speak Wookiese.

Bob: Something about a ceremonial blade and doing something with a bunch of Czerka guards. Weíll wait for a translator. Thank you for helping save the galaxy, Zaalbar! Julie, letís move on to our next hero.

Julie: Well, Bob, I have a treat for you, the fine feline Juhani. Tell me, Juhani, how does it feel to be a hero?

Juhani: I give all the credit to my teammates. The Force was with us. I finally feel at peace with myself.

Julie: Oh? What troubled you so?

Juhani: I had a difficult time resolving my temporary fall to the Dark Side. Revan helped me see that redemption is always possible. If a former Dark Lord of the Sith can turn back to good, so can I.

Bob: Thatís terrific, Juhani. Thanks for all the work youíve done saving the galaxy. What are your plans now?

Juhani: I will take on an apprentice, and at a vulnerable time in my apprenticeís life, I will pretend to be mortally struck down by him or her. That way, I can teach my apprentice the same way my master taught me.

Bob: Should be very instructive, Juhani. Let us know when that happensóitíll make a great interview.

Juhani: I will do that, Bob. Thank you.

Julie: I see we have some droids to talk to, Bob.

Bob: Ask them how it feels to be heroes, Julie!

Julie: Iíll do that Bob!

(T3M4 beeps and makes a wolf whistle at Julie):

HK-47: Statement: T3 would like to express his appreciation of your meatbag anatomy.

Julie (pats T3 on the top of his head): Aww, arenít you a cute droid?

(T3 rocks back and forth and beeps some more)

HK: Statement: He wishes to inform you that he is not cute, he is magnificent. As am I.

Bob: I understand youíre HK-47 and T3M4? Congratulations on the victory and thanks for saving us from the evil Darth Malak. What are your plans for the future, HK and T3?

(T3 beeps and whistles)

HK: Statement: The bucket of bolts wishes to follow Revan wherever she goes, even if itís into the Unknown Regions. Extreme loyalty to our meatbag owners is part of our programming, as you know.

Julie: What about you, HK? Youíve got such a big gun, and your eye lights are so menacing. Should we be worried about whatís in store for you?

HK: Statement: My programming is to facilitate communications and terminate hostilities. No one will have to worry unless they threaten my master, and then I can happily blast them into a million meatbag parts. I do wish they would hurry up and try to attack her, though. My transistors ache at the lack of work.

Julie (slowly backs away from HK): Ah, yes, thank you, HK and T3. Moving right along, I see we have Canderous Ordo up next. Canderous, tell our audience how it feels to be a hero.

Canderous: Weíre not dead. Malak is. Canít ask for better than that.

Julie: Um, okay. What are your plans for the future? Anything new for you?

Canderous: Iím a Mandalorian. What the hell do you think Iím going to do? Prepare for more war, like usual.

Julie (backing away from Canderous, bumps into Jolee): Oh, sorry!

Jolee: About damn time you got to me. A tach could have eaten me by now.

Julie: Bob, this is Jolee, one of the Jedi that saved our galaxy from death and destruction!

Bob: Thank you for helping save the galaxy, Jolee! Tell our audience how it feels to be a hero.

Jolee: What? Oh, itís an interview with the media. Here I thought you had free food or something. Where was I? Oh, it feels great to be a hero. I have the adulation of billions and pretty young things like you crushing me for interviews. Revan thinks Iím the greatest thing since sliced gizka. I have this cross-shaped piece of cheap metal-covered plasteel pinned to my chest, and it weighs a ton. Maybe now we can afford to pay someone to clean out the food synthesizer more often than once a century. Then we can finally get some real beds in the Ebon Hawk dormsóthose things are hard as rocks. Might be nice to have a few more chairs to sit on, too. I get tired of standing all the time, you know. Whose brilliant idea was it anyway to put only two seats on the whole ship? Talk about design flaws. Wait, what was this about?

Julie (laughing): Oh, Jolee, youíre so funny. We wanted to know how it feels to be a hero.

Jolee: Oh, yeah, itís fabulous. I canít tell you how much Iím looking forward to the avalanche of insightful interviews like this.

Julie: Thank you, Jolee! What are your plans now that the Star Forge is gone?

Jolee: Iím going to go any place that doesnít have kilometer-tall trees and do anything but be a kit factory. Now that Iím past my guilt over letting my wife fall to the Dark Side and kill a bunch of other Jedi, the Council can make me a master. Then I can train a bunch of Jedi that love is good. If Iím lucky, theyíll all get married and name their firstborn children after me. Heh-heh.

Mission (walks up and stands between Jolee and Julie): Right, old man, thatís if you donít die of old age first.

Jolee: Whoís old? Iím just well-pickled.

Julie: Thanks, Jolee, for taking the time to talk with us. Mission, weíd like to take a moment of your time for an interview.

Jolee (walking away, shaking his head): Sure. Cute blue Twiíleks always get more airtime. And they didnít even bring me a sandwich!

Mission: Sure! What did you want to know?

Bob: First, Mission, we want to express our gratitude at all the work you did to help save the entire galaxy!

Mission: Gee, thanks!

Julie: What are your plans now, Mission? Youíre young, and youíve got a long future ahead of you.

Mission: HeyóI ainít no kid!

Julie: Of course not. I meant youíre young at heart. So, whatís next for you?

Mission: Well, Iím going to take Zaalbar to someone who can do something about those chompers. Then Iím going to make a bunch of security tunnelers for my friends, because you never know when weíll need some more credits. After that, Iím going to go find Griff and yank his headtails off for being terminally stupid. How could he ruin a perfectly good Tarisian ale recipe? Thatís like a major sin!

Julie: Iím sure youíll get it all worked out, Mission. Who is this joining us?

Mission: Him? Oh, thatís just Carth. Heís an old geezer, so heís boring.

Julie: Captain Onasi! Weíve been just dying to interview you!! Weíre all very grateful for your efforts to prevent Darth Malak from taking over the galaxy.

Carth: Oh, thanks. What do you need?

Bob: Captain, tell our viewers how it feels to be a hero of the Star Forge Battle and receive the Cross of Glory.

Carth: Itís quite an honor. I couldnít have done it without all my teammates. I have to give them a lot of credit for hanging in there. When it looked like we were losing badly, they really rallied and found that little extra something down deep inside to pull it out and put one in the win column. They showed true courage in the face of total evil. It was inspiring.

Julie: Oh, thatís wonderful! What are your plans now? I understand thereís a little something going on between you and Revan?

Carth (blushing): She, ah, well, itís like thisÖ.sheís going to take me shopping so I can get something to wear besides this orange jacket.

Julie: Iím sure she has great taste. Just donít get anything in eye-searing red!

Carth: No maíam. Thatís about as likely as me making admiral.

Mission: Come on, Carth, you know youíre going to be the Big Man in the Navy someday. Sheesh.

Julie: Any other plans, Captain?

Carth: Well, ah, I have to get over all this angst about Saulís betrayal. Thereís also, ah, this little trouble I have resolving the fact that the woman I love was once the Dark Lord of the Sith and technically responsible for my wifeís death. However, Revanís happy to work with me on that, and weíre proof that love conquers all.

Julie: Oh, how romantic! As handsome as you are, who could blame her for wanting to work it out with you? Congratulations again, and good luck in the future, Captain Onasi!

Carth: Thanks, Julie.

Julie: Well, Bob, that wraps up the interviews of our heroes!

Bob: Great job, Julie! Iím sure our audience loved hearing all their insights.

Julie: Thanks, Bob! This is Julie Caputaero, signing off and sending you back to our Coruscant office on your source for intergalactic news, The Republic Network!

Jolee (sighing to himself): Kidís never going to change. Hey, Mission!

Mission: Yeah, Jolee?

Jolee: Make sure you give Julie back all the credits you Ďborrowedí from her.

Mission (grumbling): Darn old men never let me have any funÖ.

From MST3K's spoof of "Hercules Unchained"--heard as Roman medic soldiers carry off an unconscious Greek Hercules on a 1950's Army green canvas stretcher: "Hi, we're IX-I-I. Did somebody dial IX-I-I?"

Read The Adventures of Jolee Bindo and see the amazing Peep Surgery
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