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Old 02-12-2007, 09:24 AM   #11
Paranoidish
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Doylestown, PA
Posts: 359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Klia
Mhmm. Thanks, but I don't believe it's that great, I do enjoy it and am proud of it, but I feel that something's missing from it.

I was worried about the dialouge eating up the story tpo, that and how choppy it looks.
Well, okay, if you really want me to find something to criticize.

Quote:
“Well, you are the youngest Psychonaut we’ve ever had. Fascinating really, nobody thought it possible for a mind to mature so quickly or surpass the psychic abilities of an adult so quickly, and if we-“ He stops himself short when he hears Raz shifting uncomfortably behind him.
You used the word "quickly" twice in the same sentence. If you were to change the first or last one to "rapidly" or something along those lines. It just makes the dialouge feel less slanted.

Other than that, I really have trouble finding fault.



^Above picture=awesome.
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