This week is all LF. Not because I thought it would balance out, but because they revamped the KFM site and I was hopelessly frustrated. I'll be back in there again next week though
The Path of Revan
4100 years after KOTOR: A young exile decides to follow Revan’s path.
The story is well written, though I have to agree with the statements made by other reviewers. The path is a little too clearly laid out. Not breadcrumbs scattered along, but huge billboards. A simpler way that would have been more successful would have been having her follow along and listen rather than having ‘spirit guides’ every step of the way. Have them instead watching and nudging her.
I also agree we should get more.
During TSL: A descent into madness.
Problems with editing, but nothing major; remember to punctuate at the end of dialogue.
This is excellent work Bee Hoon. I could watch the fall with both a clinical admiration, and a disturbing alarm. You did what I did not in my own TSL work, looked inside how Atris had fallen. I gave reason, but you give us the sand castle crumpling.
If I had voted, you would have gotten one.
Desperate Times, Desperate People
Minor problems with editing. It’s on board, not on born.
Technical note: Most occupation forces, even the worst ones, avoid merely killing people because they are at present not of value.
Having them sent off to a concentration camp and disappear I feel would have been a better way to show casual brutality instead of just killing them.
It was a bit off topic I agree, but well done anyway.
He Who Wins
Anything negative I could have said has already been addressed. The piece does have one problem, but it is on a personal level.
You see Qui Gon was a believer in the Unifying Force, unlike most of the masters. In the book of the first movie he debated with Obi Wan because his apprentice had followed the other path. He would have understood Anakin’s problems with losing his mother more readily than Obi Wan, and when it came to the attack on Padme, he would have been more able to talk the hotheaded kid down.
But that is two different views of the same character, and both are equally valid.
Descent Into Shadow
Long after TSL: Oldtimers reminisce before a young Padawan
I agree with the comment that it was surprise, and it was an enjoyable read. The only real complaint is there should have been more of a disparity in ages between Carth and Canderous. Remember Carth was in his forties (Approximately estimated from time he claimed having served) While Canderous claimed to have fought over 40 years, and assuming an age of 15, that would make him a minimum of mid to late 60s in KOTOR.
I especially liked your comment in a reply;
‘I was a bit worried about this, but the three of them just wouldn't do as I meant them to....’
I always thought I was the only one that had my characters take off into right field when I was working.
No specific period given: A woman willingly embraces the dark
Anything negative that could be said has already been said. I enjoyed as did Tysyacha the stepping from ‘promising employee’ to removal anticipated.
The primary problems I had with it are technical; as efficient as she is supposed to be, I was surprised that she merely took the man’s word that she would be allowed to walk away. If he had been a senior company employee (Say her own boss) it would have made more sense.
Second; the man she faced was stupid in that he didn’t disarm her. That would have made more sense.
I thought however knowing why her family had been slaughtered would have been better. In an old Black Exploitation move whose name escapes me, you have a man’s girlfriend hunted down and killed because she had taped a mobster’s meeting. The lover goes after the man who ordered her death, and finds the tape. But the tape is barely audible. So the woman died for nothing, and the criminal could have let her live, because he brought his doom down for nothing.
One I would have voted for.
For the Greater Good
KOTOR at the Rakata Temple: It is so easy to slip across the line…
Everyone has already dinged you on what needs dinging, ED. That said, all I have to say is this:
Great work! I liked the way you laid it out, how it progressed, and the denouement. I especially liked the special neural collar. Put the decision fully in Bastila’s hands.
I am however surprised that you might be surprised by describing Malak as ‘sneaky’. Being a brutal man does not stop you from having a mind.
One of those I would have voted for.
Descent to Darkness
Pre KOTOR: Revan and Malak go willingly into the dark.
The work is good, Jae. I am not dinging you on he instead of she. It left me with the suspicion that the masters had to have lied to our player when you return later. That was why I had Revan in my work find the map before they left.
That said I disagree with Bee Hoon that they should have been disarmed. It makes sense that no matter how hard you are inside, you need R&R, and this could have easily been during one of those brief breaks. I would have had them banning them from entering the temple however because that would have allowed them to seduce even more Jedi.