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Old 10-05-2007, 01:50 PM   #729
machievelli
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Alien: New Frontiers
Phantom Knight

No specific era given: The Aliens from that series of movies move into the Star Wars universe…

When you described the face hugger on the victim you forgot the possessive (Around the victim’s). You don’t have to capitalize a job or designation. Parasite did not need it, and the following paragraphs with the medical specialties did not either.

When describing a person you do not say ‘whom’.

Your description of the city is a bit confusing. You take two completely artificial habitats, and add in a normal albeit huge city. My suggestion would be to make that section flow better, leave out references to any specific place, but work in the utter artificiality of the habitat.

The basic idea isn’t too bad, and the flow works well except for cumbersome sentences, and problems with description. As I have told so many before, edit, reread, rewrite, repeat until smooth.

Technical: The medical science of Star Wars should be significantly advanced over what we have or will have within say the next century. And they are used to dealing with several hundred thousand different ecosystems. As an example, an American doctor rarely sees a case of say Ebola, though a doctor in the Congo would know exactly what to look for. A medical data base such as say Walter Reed Hospital has covers every known parasitic species of our planet, and it would be logical that their hospital would have such a resource spanning not just the planet but every such danger for a sector or more at least. It is also unlikely they wouldn’t have something that would detect an unknown life form. Remember that the Nostromo from the original Alien did not have such capability, but the Sulaco from the second movie did, because the equipment was used in the third movie by Ripley to find the implanted Alien queen embryo.

If you had made it a small trading outpost the following events could happen. But making it the equivalent of a city with proper medical facilities sort of leaves me wondering about the competency of the medical staff.

Kotorfanmedia

When KFM did their rework of the website last week I found I had to go back literally to the beginning to find my place. This was frustrating but not a wholly bad thing. I had missed the first five reviews below the first time around somehow. But better late than never.

Shards
Karacat

Continuation of Revival: As Revan waits to enter the Rakata temple, she looks at the shards of her recently discovered memories.

The style drags a bit, but it is a good piece of work. The description of her shattered memories as shards of crystal is a good analogy well played and used.

Hope Rekindled
Shara Kortarr

Prelude to KOTOR: As a young woman prepares to join the crew of the Endar Spire, another worries about her mission.

The writing is good, needing only a polish to make it shine. Well worth reading.


The Sith Captive
Walruseater


During events of KOTOR: The sister of Revan is captured, but The Sith find they have bitten off more than they can chew.

The piece is an excellent example of Walruseater’s work. My first pick of this week

Men Don’t Cry
Aminta Jae

Two Years after KOTOR: A family reunion of sorts

Wrong word used, probably a typo (He instead of we) Thei instead of their, that kind of thing. A simple polish is all that is needed.

The basic story is sound, and the man waiting patiently for the return of the woman he loves is well done.

The Way Things Are
Amoinete

Prelude to KOTOR: After a disastrous mission a scout decides to try again by joining the crew of Endar Spire.

The piece is well done, the history and byplay excellent. The second choice for pick of this week.

Fighting Sticks
Starwars Chick

KOTOR During Taris Segment: A duelist finds something else to fight for.

The piece is pretty well done though rather vague at times. Bringing in another character adds to the spice of the scene.

Why
JadesFire

At the Star Forge: There has to be a reason why Carth followed a dark Revan aboard the Star Forge

The piece surprised me. I hadn’t expected it to go this way, yet when I got to the end, I had to agree with the author. It would probably have been this way.

Third Pick of the Week.

Coming up for Air
The True Exile

After TSL: Sometimes they don’t live happily ever after

Problems with word usage, and cumbersome sentences, but that is an editing and rereading problem easily corrected.

The story was a bit contrived, and you pushed it a bit far, but all in all a good read. Try polishing it a bit more before you post next time.


The Admiral's Daughter
Jedi Serenity

After KOTOR: Revan leaves her husband to watch over their child.

The piece is well done, the emotional byplay excellent. The ending with Revan calling actually hurt it, because there is no reason they could not have let the girl speak with her. At that age any contact would have been better than none.


Save the Galaxy
Rainwood

KOTOR During Kashyyyk mission: They want me to do what?

I started into this expecting nothing. I left it chuckling because most ‘heroes’ don’t have angst, don’t have worries, are sure they will at least take a swing at the mission.

This is a breath of fresh air from dealing with a programmed ‘here to there’ adventure. Another pick of the week, but this one is THE pick of the week.

Darth Gizka
JadesFire

A year after TSL: Just when you thought they were gone…

Between a squeaky toy in the form of Canderous, Carth’s life hanging in the mouth of a Gizka, and the Gizka’s commentary, it was a choice piece of fun. One of the two best I have read about the little critters.


'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
Acceptance
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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