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Old 11-08-2007, 07:50 PM   #744
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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Posting a little early because tomorrow is payday. Oh and daylight savings time is fun. try it when you forget the 'fall back' so you lose an hour of sleep.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

KotOR III: The Unknown Regions
Darth Balatro

Eight Years after KOTOR:

The first thing I should say is I am sorry DB. I check to see if I have reviewed something by title, and sometimes only by an odd keyword. When I did so I found that a story by this same title (Only Knights of the Old Republic rather than KOTOR) had been posted and reviewed by me back in May.

However I do not know how often this might happen to you, but when I tried to use my ‘find’ setting yesterday it told me no such story had been reviewed several times (A lot of fun when you are sure you have done so) so I went through it posting by posting and discovered this error. That being said:

Some cumbersome sentences. (‘he's the one that Revan told me that he chose for this job.’) Would have been smoother if you had said ‘Revan assigned it to Bao Dur. The basis of the story started out well, but two things bothered me. First if Carth had merely told the character that the clues she needed to find the missing pair was on the planets but they had seceded, it would have made more sense. Also why would a Jedi (Not a Dark one) suggest bombarding a Republic planet as a show of loyalty?

Technical note; Calling a ship II is usually used for civilian ships. Military vessels tend to have merely the name. As an example there were seven ships in the US Navy named Enterprise since 1778 but none were called by an additional number. I know many writers have done this, but I have yet to find any warship in the last 400 years with a name and a number attached except for some Submarine classes in Russia.

Sorry, just the purist in me

Across the Stars, the Two Hunters: Zero Mission

Master Jimmy

Crossover between Star Wars and Metroid set in the period approximately a century after ROTJ: An unlikely pair are sent to save a world.

It’s slid, not slided. The sentence ‘ship that was rocketing down to the surface’. Would have read better is you had used ‘ship plunging (or plummeting) toward the surface’. The sentence ‘the tunnel was rocky, but consisted with a bit of moss’ didn’t make sense until I mentally translated it into ‘sparsely cover with a bit of moss’. Remember, when the sentence doesn’t make sense or uses the wrong words, the reader hits a speed bump that takes him from the story for a few seconds.

The intro was convoluted and there was the error pointed out below. I liked the interplay of the characters, and making one appear to be either suicidal or stupid made them funny together. Her ‘oh I’m so dead’ was choice.

Canon note; Except for the Yuuzhan Vong there has been no mention of intergalactic travel. In fact there are comments in the canon that there is an energy field at the edge of that galaxy (Shades of Star Trek) mentioned in Outbound Flight. If you had said ‘nebula’ or ‘cluster’ it would have fit within that parameter with no problems.

Also you used Earth as the homeworlds of one character.

Lessons in Pazaak

After TSL: The Exile searches for an old friend

The piece is like all of Uilleand’s work I have seen so far, which means well written and thought provoking. Along with everyone else, I wonder about the people that tried to attack her. Hopefully we will find out their secret.

Pick of the week on LucasForums.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Wraith Squadron: Cell Theory

19 Years after Yavin; My favorite Squadron prepares for action.

This is not the first of TR’s works I have reviewed, and it is up to the standards I think we should aspire to. There isn’t much to it yet, but what there is makes me want more.

I said it the last time (Bad Run) I’ll say it again. Keep it up.

One of my Picks of the Week.


Short Stop

Approximately eight years after KOTOR: A brief reunion.

Some word usage problems. Chartered means being hired rather than proceeding, tried instead of try (Or remove the did) that kind of thing. No biggie, it’s an editing problem. If you have read any of mine, you’ll see I have the same problem sometimes.

As for the mechanics of the story, is this really your first attempt, or merely just the first here? This is excellent work. The story gives enough to make you a bit hungry for more, like (If you are old enough to drink) a bite of strawberry washed down by champagne.

One of my picks of the week.

The Paths We Take: Part I- Love's Sacrifice


As the Star Forge is being destroyed: Sometimes all you have is hope.

Remember to tone down the game terminology. When you’re reading it tends to cause speed bumps in the reader’s path. Having been writing for over 30 years, I tend to edit them out automatically when I write, but that is only experience.

The basics are good, though the intro was confusing. (Both dark and light side angst comedy and AU?) The story itself is excellent, having a scene right of something like ER with the characters felt right.

As I tell any kid who will listen; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished. Keep at it Pretty good work.

A Bond Like No Other
Verna Jast

After the confrontation aboard Leviathan: Revan dreams, but are they of the future or her own fears?

The piece is pretty good, needing primarily polishing.

The piece has a bit of the same feel I had from the old psychological thriller Invaders from Mars where you find out it’s all a dream just as the ‘invasion’ begins again. I always wondered if it was a series of dreams or really going to happen.

One of my Picks of the Week.


After KOTOR: The path to love…

The style is good, the story basic but at the same time poignant. The description of the dance music itself made me wish I could hear it. Not having a copy of Hungarian dances, I will merely have to use my vision of it.
One of my picks for best of the week.

For the Republic: Part 1
Verna Jast

Pre-Mandalorian War; Dantooine Jedi Academy: She said, but he thought.

For a moment I thought the author had just repeated the first section again. About a line into it, I recognized what was happening, and really got into it.

With verbal communications, 85 percent of what is conveyed is by the words. But words are not what you heard but what you thought you heard. This puts that idea across very well, and makes you keep reading just to see how far the misconceptions go.


The escape from Endar Spire, with a twist: When the going gets boring, how about juggling?

The idea of having three people, all obviously playing one possible aspect of Revan as originally described was interesting. It kept me wondering which one was the real Revan.


During Taris: More background

Following that I agreed with the one person that had commented so far. The background on two of the trio of characters was well-portrayed right down to one drawling and the others overly precise speech.

Finding Hawk, Chapter One - Good Night Sweetheart

No specific time after KOTOR to 15 years later: A man reminisces about an important day in his life.

The piece flowed well, and the situation a human one full of both fear and joy for any parent. Well worth the read.

One of my picks for best of the week.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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