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Old 11-16-2007, 02:41 PM   #746
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
I've been watching an interesting Anime named Noir. Only one disc so far, but I like it. The series gave me an idea. Anyone interested in seeing the dark side of me should look at Heart of the Assassin in the outer rim. This is a work in progress, and feedback is not only desired, but I am almost begging you guys. Anything you see that needs work, let me know.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

At the Trayus Core

TSL: The final confrontation.

The one thing I really liked was the way you translated the fight into what might have been called a debate beginning the ‘lecture’ with lightsabers and Traya’s defense as the ‘rebuttal’. Traya’s comments make me wonder about not the force but perceptions of it.
One thing that caused me to bobble was the use of terms probably right out of the games such as ‘power attack’ or ‘life drains’. Others have made comments on this so I will not comment on it further.

Reason to Kill

The climactic battle in KOTOR: Sometimes you need a reason.

A slight problem with double negatives; you’re usually pretty good, Igy, so I will leave it for you to find. The dénouement was the best part of the work because it makes a specific statement everyone can understand and accept.

I usually don’t vote as you know, but you would have gotten mine.

Darth Stephanie

First, why is it all one paragraph? By my estimates, I think it should have been about nine. Of course part of that is you made the same mistake I did when I first posted. Since the system removes all indents, the only way to tell when a paragraph ends is by the period and a larger than average spacing.

Second, you were hurrying with this. There was little or no character development. All we know for sure about her is she was a brat, grew out of it, ran away from the academy because she was homesick, and later led the Jedi off to war. No details. It is almost as if you just posted the synopsis.


Bonds of Fate-Chapter 1: Darth Revan, Dark Lady of the Sith

PreKOTOR: What goes through the Dark Lady’s mind?

I started into it and was immediately hooked. The style is spare, but it leads you where the author wants you to go, and does it with such a delicate hand you barely notice.

The basics are good, the premise excellent. The only problem I have with it is simple and deeply personal…

I don’t have time to spend online reading it all.

The first pick of this week from KFM.

Coming Home

Approximately one year after TSL: Revan has a surprise for Carth when she returns from the Outer Rim. And gets one in return.

Some word usage problems haft instead of have, but that might be merely how you heard it; course (path) instead of coarse (Rough). You also forgot conversation breaks.

All that said, the work is excellent. The story, starting from when she left to after her return was full of the angst you would expect, and the love you anticipate. Very well done

A pick of this week from KFM.

Defying Gravity

Pre KOTOR: The die is cast for Revan

The basics are well done, the situation what might have been anticipated the characters well considered.

Well done.

Ice Roses; Winter

During interim and after TSL: A lone survivor of a vanished people sees the quest of Revan and the Exile from her point of view.

The piece was well done, the basics portrayed with style. Seeing the main characters of both games from the outside gives us a unique perspective. The only problem I had with it was that several years had been compressed into so few pages.

Lessons - Bastila

After the reconciliation on Tatooine: Did Bastila learn something from this?

Missing words in some places (‘a look offence’ should have of in it.). The primary problem with it is that you didn’t put a lot of yourself into it. It comes across as bland, like restaurant food. A problem solved by polishing.

Motivations: Revan
Delasaer Chval

After the Leviathan Revelations: Revan and Carth tear into each other.

The author commented; ‘a/n: Spur of the moment little argument. No one has proofed it but me, and frankly, it's not worth it. It just helped kill a bit of Writer's Block.’

Kid, anything that breaks through a writer’s block is worth looking at, trust me on that. Two of my best works in my opinion were things that started as sheer frustration with that dreaded problem.

You had some problems with cumbersome sentences. As an example; ‘and couldn't believe what she was hearing. After she had just heard that…’ is hard to read. Perhaps ‘Carth was adding insult to injury as his mouth ran. After she had heard that…’?

That doesn’t make it bad, you came up with a choice line (Missing only one letter ‘s’ with ‘she growled, stopping short between insult, struggling to form coherent and useful insults’ caused me to grin. Having been so furious that I can’t even think what to say next is something I have experienced, and while it is not fun for you, it can be hilarious for an observer.

The only thing I did not like was that it ended sort of unfinished. But, having had arguments in my life, I know they aren’t always resolved, but that is just a personal complaint.

When they were young: Of Droids and Gungangs

After TSL: The members who were left behind begin having dreams of Revan and the Exile as younglings.

Some word usage problems. Wreaking (in the act of) instead of wrecking (the end result). Missing conversation breaks.

That said, I loved the idea you used. Picturing Revan as a young Padawan with what would almost be called blonde roots was good, reminiscent of my favorite Anime the Dirty Pair. I could see them sinking an entire city without even breaking a sweat. The disclaimer ‘Why the hell would they even make a city in a bubble that could pop!?!?’ made my day

One of my picks of the week.

It came from Nar Shaddaa

An unspecified number of years after TSL: A young Jedi goes on his final trial with… well… some advice

Verna has made the main comments I might have made in correction so I won’t repeat them. The piece needs some polish, but when does it not?

Every Jedi trial you ever hear about is dangerous and or difficult. Well guess again. This was a chuckle from Dustil’s apprehension to lying to his father in an amusing manner to Revan giving him advice which might help later, but we’ll have to see. If they had merely wanted to terrorize him it couldn’t have been done better.

Sleheyron: Yuthura

Korriban KOTOR: The fight in the tomb, with an added twist…

Some word usage problems, toughed (Strengthened) instead of touched, could instead of cloud. This is an edit and polish problem, so don’t feel to bad. I get dyslexic sometimes too.

The piece was pretty good. The problems I had were the uses of terms from the game, and lack of knowledge in equipment. An average modern stun grenade, what is called a ‘flash bang’ is about the size of a hockey puck and would be quite heavy enough to knock someone on their butt if it hit them before detonating. Plus as much as the game designers just toss them in, real grenades are rarely used in an enxlosed space you yourself occupy.

Having them move around over what sounded like half the building was refreshing and adding the terentatek as a bit of mobile terrain was a good bit.

This is the first I had heard that Sleheyron was not only a suggested locale but also that there might be cut scenes from it. After reading this I wish that A: they had not cut this out, B; that they had left it in with the option to add Yuthura to the band, or C: someone would add their own mod for it.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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