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Old 11-30-2007, 01:21 PM   #748
Local curmudgeon
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
two weeks since I posted Heart of the assassin, and only one comment.


Coruscant Entertainment Center

Luck of the Draw

KFM Dueling Challenge, set on Taris during KOTOR: Trapped on Taris, two unlikely people get together

The work is up to Uilleand’s usual standards, meaning excellent. Would anyone be surprised when I say first pick of the Week?

Adidas Returns
Daft Adidas

No period given; A nemesis returns to plague the galaxy

The work needs polish, and the characters need to be better defined. What I got from the meeting in the Regal headquarters sounded more like a group of kids in high school first picking on the small kid, then sucking up to him because he actually has a brain when they need it.

Now technical;

You give a vague description of the ships. So vague in fact that we have nothing to use to visualize it. Saying it is ‘the biggest you have ever seen’ needs something to compare it to. The shock in ANH when Millennium Falcon approached the Death Star wasn’t just that it was a huge ship. It was because first they thought it was a moon, and obviously from every reaction on seeing it, that no one had ever contemplated anything mobile that big. You also gave the ship too much engine power to be readily believed.

As for the rest remember the first rule of Science Fiction and Fantasy; You are allowed one impossible thing.

Just one.


Venga Fett

PreKOTOR: What if Revan remembered before the Leviathan?

Like one of the other people who had commented said, the first paragraph sucked me in. An excellent piece of work.

A pick of the week.

Time's Embrace

After Leviathan revelation: Carth and Revan deal with how this affects them

The intro into the confrontation was a bit short for me, but beyond that, I have to agree with others;

If this is you first piece, don’t tell us it’s your last! Write more.

A Day in the Life of the Prodigal Knight

Ten years after Star Forge: we see what Revan’s life could have been like.

Some word usage problems. Saying ‘solve’ the punishment for example. I agree that it needs tightening up editing and polishing. That said though it was an interesting little piece and as Verna Jast said, I can picture you writing the entire work like the paragraph she praised.

Facing the Universe... Together

Before Revan goes to the Unknown Regions: Carth just won’t let go…

Whereas is one word. The biggest problem I had with it was as smoopy said, the all caps, which while it let you know they were yelling, also jars the reader. I use it sparingly. Maybe one word in the sentence, as if the person almost bellows it. Another way would be to break the sentence into single word sentences like ‘Don’t. Tell. ME. What to do!’

A Cathar, a Captain, and a Former Sith Lord

After the Leviathan Revelation: Revan gets blindsided not once, but twice.

Seeing Walruseater listed you just know the story is going to be good, and this one really rocks. The two surprises Revan gets makes it excellent. I am not saying another word. Read enjoy.

Another pick of the week.

Shadows In The Sand

Approximately two months after the events in KOTOR: A look into the Mandalorian soul, and how it changed.

The style is workmanlike, the characters well defined, the angst readily explained and the finish smooth. Only the second piece by this author so far, but I expect plenty more.

Another pick of the week.


Some word usage problems. Comeback doesn’t feel right where used, I think ‘downside’ would have been better. That being said, excellent work.

From reading the reviews by others, and your response, would you rather I wait until version 2 before reviewing this? Please send me an e-mail or pm.


After events in TSL: The fateful reunion.

The piece is a bit of fluff, but that being said, it was a very nice bit of fluff.

Another pick of the week.

Thicker than water: chapter 1

A what if challenge: If Revan was never defeated by Bastila or betrayed by Malak before the start of the game, what would have happened?

Only one editorial note; ‘Her skin sweat’ I think required the word ‘poured’. The style is good, the subject intriguing, and the portrayal well done. You version of Revan here is chilling and seductive at the same time. What else can I say?

Another pick of the week.

Meridian's Voice - Part One

Six Years after Revan’s Disappearance; A new enemy strikes swiftly

This piece surprised me just a touch. Not a bad thing. Going from the mundane to horror is always a good way to start, and this makes me hunger for more. Well done. Another one of those I wish I had time to read all the way through…

Another pick of the week.


23 years after TSL: Three old men still wait.

Naivety is spelled naiveté. Conversation breaks missing in some places. Some word misusage (mind instead of might).

That said the sad view is well done. Few people think of Penelope spending 20 years waiting for Odysseus to return.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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