View Single Post
Old 12-07-2007, 05:53 PM   #751
Local curmudgeon
machievelli's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
10 year veteran!  Hot Topic Starter  Veteran Fan Fic Author  Helpful! 
Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Unknown World

The Rakata Home world during KOTOR: The last thoughts before entering the temple are dark…

You left out the word ‘were’ in ‘like they green, leafy doppelgangers of real vegetation’. ‘Memories if his life’ should be ‘of’, and fatalist should be fatalistic. There are others, but I leave it to you to find them correct them, and I will edit them.

The work is nice and dark, with a lot of recriminations for everyone involved in the main character’s thoughts including himself.


After KOTOR: Atton sinks deeper into depression.

This piece is exceptionally dark. Having looked at the character of Atton in the game, I found that I could understand him much more readily than anyone else, and that understanding allowed some forgiveness of his attitudes.

Bird in a Cage (title indefinite)

Indeterminate in both time and genre: In a storm, one girl has a frightening experience.

The primary problem is characterization. We know we have one of each sex, but age, description beyond the boy’s attitude is almost nonexistent. This is a complaint only because the piece is so short; it is what comes through most.

The basic ‘mysterious voice from the dark’ is always a good ploy if you can use it.

If you want votes, I’d say write more of this.

The Tale of the Untold Heroes of Dxun

Battle of Dxun, PreKOTOR: A team lands on their mission.

The word is Guerilla, not gorilla. The style is a bit dry, but that can be fixed by editing and polishing. Mandalorian is a proper name (Nation) like German. So it is always capitalized.

Technical notes: First, Dxun was the first battle led or commanded by the Jedi. The war had been raging for almost five years by that time. The government having to buy weapons from pirates makes no sense. It took the Germans during WWII less than six months to design, and then mass produce a variation of the British Sten submachine gun. You spend more time tooling up than you do in actual production but once the tooling up is done the weapons pour out in a flood. If you had said the Special Operations had bought the weapons, it would have made sense. Every Special Operations team tends to pick up weapons that are not strictly issue.

Second the military almost always has their own design constraints, and slapping other equipment onto a stock shuttle is only an interim solution, something you do only until the supplies begin getting to the front. Within two years of the landings at Guadalcanal, where they had only a few ramp style landing craft, they went to six different designs of landing craft and even amphibious vehicles used for every landing from Tarawa on.

3rd: while thermal plating stabilizers (I envisioned super cooling coils that would stop the metal from burning away) makes sense, armor plating is a part of the structure even if it is added on, not something you have to activate.

4th: An assault landing is one of the most dangerous operations still practiced. The enemy knows you must put your troops on the ground, they know how you have to maneuver and operate to land safely; they also know where to place weapons to stop you. Landing five of that dozen ships I think would have been better than expected, hiding them almost impossible.

5th: Special operations troops are all highly trained. But if you send 12 shuttles, and assume two squads in each (120 men) you would not expect them to overwhelm a force in a defended position.

Last, every action they fought assumed the Mandalorians were too stupid to put out guards whether eating or sleeping.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Grasping at Straws: The Story of an Imperial Loyalist

During period directly after ROTS: A politician keeps trying to maintain.

The work needed editing, but as anyone will tell you, I tell almost everyone I critique the same thing. There is some cumbersome word usage, but that is again something editing would correct. It is phased (Changed) not fazed (confused) and preserve not reserve when speaking of peace.

It is an interesting piece, covering an interesting period of history in the Star Wars universe. Though all of the senators being in uniformed and armed was a bit too much to accept.

Technical note: While I accept that the Y wing fighter would have been in service at the time mentioned it would have been a relatively new aircraft. The author of Raiders of the Lost Ark irritated me for the same reason, labeling the DC3 which only entered service in 1932 as ‘venerable’ in 1936.

Also getting one from off planet or flying it in on an attack run does not make sense. First, it would be like flying an F15 Eagle from England to Washington with no attempt at stealth. The defenses of Coruscant have been discussed in depth in the EU, and such an attack would be suicide long before you actually laid fire on the capital.

Now if you had suggested that it had come from a nearby base instead, it would have been completely acceptable.


On Earth: A boy tries to make a real light saber, but there are more problems then that in his future.

The style is stilted, and word usage is a bit off. Both things I tend to do when the ideas are flowing. Don’t worry; it’s an editing problem. The dialogue is a bit stilted as well, and while it may sound crazy, the way I deal with that is to talk the dialogue out. You can hear where it doesn’t flow, as you might not when seeing it.

It came to my attention after I had written this review that JedimasterElizabeth
Is Malaysian. I understand the problems with dealing with another entire language so I promise I will remember this in the future.

Technical note; the grip of a sword is called a pommel, not a stick.

Canon Note: George Lucas starts every movie with ‘a long time ago, in a Galaxy far far away’. Using modern Earth in this sort of defeats the purpose. I have been trying to get into Lucasforums where I posted an article concerning this, and explained a way around it. When the site comes back up later today (I hope) please go to that site, and see what I mean.

But the idea that a young man here would not only try to make a lightsaber, but also make the same mistake is an interesting view. Keep it up.


There's Beauty in the Breakdown Chapter 1: "Bring Me All Your Huddled Masses"

The arrival on Taris; No mission ever goes smoothly…

Everything I saw negative were editing problems, meaning just reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. But I say that to everybody.

The style is a bit bland, but you’re keeping the people interested, which is the important thing.

It's That Damn Onasi Charm...

In the interim between KOTOR and TSL: To end an argument sometimes you just have to lock them in the closet…

There are obvious flaws, like the hair, and hairpins. But at the same time as others said, all you really did was take the bit in your teeth and run with it. All of the fumbling around in the closet had me snickering, and the end is purely choice.

The first pick of the week.

Love and the Pathfinder
Benna Kioba

The return from the Outer Regions: Told in flashbacks that cover all of KOTOR

The piece as one commentator said, had an organic feel to it. I agree that the quotation marks should have been there, something to differentiate when someone was talking. But the story itself, memory, coma, all mixed made it a very good piece.

A pick of the week.

At this point I have finished the LS Female Revan category except when a new story shows up there. I now turn as promised to the Dark side male…

Once Upon a Time
Sebastian DeLaOsa

Interim to KOTOR: Orders are meant to be obeyed…

The piece has minor editing problems.

But I loved it. Revan as the bad guy but with reason behind his darkness. Very well done.

A pick of the week.

Insanity of Revan -Chapter 1-On the Way To Coruscant
Hitokiri Akins

After the Star Forge: Revan slips back into the darkness

Some editing problems, but when I have I ever failed to say that. Ask me some time about a book I wrote called Mirror of My love where I edited four times while beta readers were still dealing with version one.

The basis is good, the idea not too shabby. The only real negative I saw was as BigVeric commented that you told Canderous twice.

Aftermath: The Beginning

The Battle of the Star Forge: The Dark lord has returned, and he is making his presence felt…

The style is good, the dialogue well done, the scene eminently practical. The only jarring note, is I thought that the Rule of Two had begun with Lord Bane three millennia later.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
machievelli is offline   you may: quote & reply,