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Old 01-04-2008, 12:22 PM   #755
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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Coruscant Entertainment Center


No specific time given: A squad of Republic commandos faces a different enemy with a different plan.

First, you need to remember conversation breaks. That way your reader doesn’t get confused about who is talking. Your sentences are cumbersome, you don’t need to say ‘squad member’ every time you introduce them, though mentioning leader, strong man etc, is a good touch. Also, right in the middle of a battle is neither the time nor place for recrimination and questions that need long answers. It plays well sometimes, but you already have them outnumbered, surrounded, and outgunned. Men who spend that time arguing or demanding answers not linked to ‘how do wee get out of here’ don’t live to get out.

Technical note. Your explanation of the time travel concept is interesting, but you should have prefaced it with ‘theoretically’. If it were a known and accepted concept, none of the others would have been surprised.

Lost Causes

TSL before Korriban: The torment of Vash.

What can I say about it Uilleand? How about first Pick of 2008?

Actually I have to say more. Most when they have someone getting tortured either rush past, or dwell a little too lovingly on it. You split the difference very well. Especially the waste of the entire endeavor.


Pre KOTOR: A master of illusion gives Malak his wish, sort of…

Most of the negatives I could point at were already mentioned, ST, so I won’t belabor them.

Your story reminds me of the old saw ‘never date anyone crazier than you are’.

One of the ‘How Malak lost his Jaw’ entrants.

Gray Code: Way Of The Sith
True Avery

PreKOTOR Alternate Universe: Revan decides the only way to teach this lesson is with pain. But whos pain is it to be?

I was as surprised as everyone else about the length. What interested me kid was this fight would have taken an hour on screen, yet you maintained intensity and cohesion throughout.

Technical note: If the Leviathan were that large and proportionate throughout, it would be over half the length of an Imperial Super Star Destroyer, and almost two thirds as wide. The book put out as a companion for the KOTOR game says the ship is 1.5 kilometers long (A tad over a mile) and has a crew of 2800. Compare that to the 144,000 crew needed for an SSD, and your ship would need about 80,000 even with the exact same amount of automation.

The Jedi Archives

Crystal Island
Daft Adidas

Not Star Wars: After being shipwrecked, two boys join in a quest.

The basics are pretty good here, DA. You are using the wrong word sometimes (Are instead of our, that kind of thing) but that is as always an editing problem.

Everyone repeat after me…

Reread Edit Rewrite, repeat until polished.

The Smile
Jae Onasi

After Attack on Telos: Revan can’t stand that smug smile one more second.

One of the ‘How Malak lost his Jaw’ entrants.

I know Jae was not eligible for the award this month. But if I had a choice I would have voted for this one. The piece swept from the fury at the attack, to the last words Revan said to him, and even though you knew what was going to happen, it still surprised you a bit.

Pick of the first week of 2008.


A Knightmare Before The Old Christmas Republic: KOTOR Meets Tim Burton

15 years after the Star Forge:A crossover of Nightmare before Christmas and KOTOR

The story was good kid, the problem I have is canonical. As in ‘a long time ago in a galaxy far far away’. Not bad regardless.

Knights of the Old Republic Part I: The Path of the Jedi: Prologue

PreKOTOR: The forge that created the mettle of Revan

The piece is interesting because a lot of us don’t really consider where the person we’re speaking of came from. Those who do either make them relatively light (My own) or almost totally dark. Your portrayal skates the edge of the darkness, but for a logical reason.

Well done.

True Power
Lord Revan 107

The Climactic battle of the Star Forge, dark side ending: Sometimes you can’t let it show.

The piece is well written needing only the edit and polish every story needs. The basic idea is sound, and the flinch when he is hugged and unsure if he is being attacked was choice.

As princeps said, however, when it comes to dealing with those we care about, we’re all hypocrites. No matter how ‘good’ or ‘evil’ we are, you should remember that even the worst monsters in human history had a soft spot for someone or something.

A Matter of Inches

The capture of Revan: So many ways that something so important can be changed.

The piece is well written, the differing scenes just different enough that you get a sense of unreality. Very intriguing work.

Force's Renewal

After the battle of the Star Forge: Revan surveys his new domain, and his new apprentice

The piece is well done, the focus working well from start to finish. So good in fact

Pick of the Week


On the Unnamed Planet: With Mission dead, where does Zaalbar’s loyalties lie?

The piece struck at my heart because I can understand the life-debt’s bounds. Zaalbar must do what he does, but at the same time, he had ro rationalize around that stricture.

Some said it didn’t make sense, but honorable situations, such as standing at Thermoplae even after cut off only makes sense when you use honor instead of common sense as a meter.

Pick of the week.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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