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Old 01-17-2008, 11:31 PM   #766
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
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A Threat From Within
Jedi Athos

Post TSL: People search for Revan in different ways.

You didn’t need the first and in ‘She took the point and Atton, Visas, and Mira fell into step behind her’. You also use of instead of off. Mainly editing problems. Always remember to re-read and edit.

The basic premise is excellent and the style well done. Keep it up.

V Techenie Vos'mi Let (For Eight Years)

PreKotor: Eight years after the events in KOTOR, An unnamed master laments

Remember Vandar does not Yoda-speak. Second, reread because a few of the sentences are cumbersome.

The basic story is excellent, and the dissenting voice well done.


Dreams: Excerpts from Bastila Shan's Journal

PreKOTOR: Dreams lead Bastila into a search of Revan’s past.

The basics are good, the style well done, the matter like watching a sunset, slowly fading into black and nightmare. Well worth the read.

First pick of the week.

A Phoenix Arises in Darkness

Mandalorian Wars: A single straw finally breaks Revan’s reserve.

The work is well done except for the technical notes below. The angst was a bit overdone, but as I tell a lot of kids, that is an editing problem. One thing my mother (And a lot of professional writers will tell you) if you have time put it away and read it a month two, maybe three later to see if it still feels good.

Technical notes; while often used generically, cruiser means a specific class of warship and so does corvette. You have a briefing room not a hall.

Pick of the week.

No Choice
Blaine Averre

The Capture of Revan: Revan’s reasons for becoming evil were never very clear…

It’s reveled, not revld. Saying that, the only things I saw wrong with this work were like that one comment something editing can cure.

The piece is well done, the idea that Revan didn’t fall as much as slid (One I also used with my Light side Revan) is intriguing, the author merely going one step further with Revan actually using that evil the Council had suspected and used it as well, hoping that by doing so it would also be destroyed.

Pick of the week.


The last battles of KOTOR: Trapped in his own mind, All Revan can ask for is release…

This work sent chills down my back. The idea that the new personality could be trapped, watching all it had done destroyed by himself, unable to stop it, is both surreal and terrifying.

Someone commented that this should have been the prologue, and I agree. Well, where’s the rest?

A pick of the week.

Forever Alone, Chapter 1, Regrets

PostKOTOR: As the last battles come, Darth Revan has time now for regrets.

It’s wary not weary. As I said with another work above, all it needed was editing.

The story is poignant in it’s wondering ‘what if?’. I think the worst of it is not even Bastila can realize how much Revan wishes he could turn back time and change that one moment. The argument ‘you can’t go back’ always rang false with me, because all lives are formed by their choices, and even Dorian Gray and Anakin Skywalker made that effort to repent.

A pick of the week.

Revan Sama

The battle between Revan and Bastila: What was going through Bastila’s mind?

I read this and like another a few weeks ago, didn’t know what to say. You look into the depth of madness here, and like the old saying, the madness is looking back at you.

Definitely a pick of this week.

Revan's Requiem, Prologue

PreKOTOR: An interesting piece.

Well written, but not really my cup of tea. Above the PG 13 line, kids.


Alternate universe Aboard Leviathan in KOTOR: A ‘what if?’ offering. Who exactly was given this new life?

It’s expend (Put effort into) rather than expense (cost). Speculate is what you do, but is not the proper word to explain locating something. A better word would be divine (One meaning being discover through other means). These however are editing problems. As I tell just about everyone, reread, edit, polish.

The basic story is excellent especially in breaking away from the torture scene, and then giving Malak a choice. His new personality suits the character well. Keep it up.

The Master
Eowyn Jedi

PreKOTOR no specific time given: Revan is introspective about what he has done with the Star Forge.

A short piece, but very intriguing. The interplay with memory, and understanding of what is occurring reminds me of the book Christine by Stephen King. And the actuality of what was occurring with Frodo in Lord of the Rings.

A pick of the Week

Scars: Part 1
Eowyn Jedi

During the Mandalorian wars: The Battle of Malachor told from the Exiles point of view

The story was excellent, the scene well laid out, very well done.

The only complaint I have, as a serviceman (Vietnam era, though I did not end up there) is that while war is considered evil, sometimes you don’t get the choice. An enemy is sometimes so horrible in their actions that you must fight back. To condemn Revan and Malak on those grounds is shortsighted. To do so and at the same time extol the courage of the Mandalorians confusing.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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