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Old 01-25-2008, 01:43 AM   #767
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25 jan

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Prophecy of Damnation
Darth Manus

Two years after TSL: An agent is sent from 5,000 years in the future to gain information from the Ghost of Ajunta Pall

The basics are good, the style crisp. The main problem is it’s too short.

Jedi Legacy

After Jedi Academy: Jaden Korr is thrown through time to Dxun right after TSL

Remember conversation breaks. Crumbling is an action, not usually a sound. You forgot to use the plural of candle. One thing, stalagmites ate always paired with stalactites, which are the ones that hang from the ceiling. I do believe the word is acceptable if both happen to be made of ice.

The basic story is interesting. You’re timing suggested the battle of Dxun at first (Trask Ulgo being alive when he died (Or disappeared at least) aboard the Endar Spire, and that is one thing I am curious about.

Remember, reread, edit, rewrite, polish, then serve.

Star Wars Legacy: In Her Eyes...

No specific time given: Sometimes you try to match the picture others have of you.

The basics are good, and the change of pace from massive desperate danger which is most of the SW fare to just a sylvan glade was refreshing. There were some word usage problems and cumbersome sentences, but nothing that a quick edit and polish will not cure.

One of the Picks for this week.

Tython Ties 1: The Great Shism

Starting at the end of ROTS:A magnum opus covering almost 7000 years

Welcome back, Ztalker. Nice to have you back

Mainly word usage problems, but that is understandable. Why not ask a native English speaker to beat-read your stuff?

The idea of such a work is interesting. I hope to see a lot more of this.

Logs of a Commando

During Clone war: The diary of a clone commando

The style is abrupt but since this is a diary of sorts, that is acceptable. Remember to reread and edit, because you have the occasional wrong word in there.

Since the clones were bred to grow at a rate of approximately 4 to one, wouldn’t it be odd that you have one survive the equivalent of just under a century? (Editing point. There is some argument in the books because while the Kamino in AOTC spoke of them aging at 4 to one, the Books [Karen Traviss] say two to one. Still if you figure the Clone Wars [Three years] then 18 to 22 [depending on whether Luke was that age at end] that would still make your tooper in his early fifties.)


Rise of the Sith'ari: Chapter 1
Master Widrin Soro

Two months before the beginning of the Jedi Civil War: Revan and Malak discover that the Sith'ari might be more than a myth.

The style is abrupt, the story merely an intro. But from that I believe I can safely say this one bears watching.

One of the Picks for this week.

Crisis Stabilization

After KOTOR: Revan deals not only with Bastila’s death, but the end of the comradeship that the Ebon Hawk held

This is an intriguing piece especially in dealing with the one part of the adventure everyone else ignores, living the rest of your life after it.

Well worth the read, and I hope there is more.

One of the Picks for this week.

Revan Sama

PreKOTOR: The Exile remembers Revan

The piece is short, with some misused words.

That being said it was perfect in it’s own way. The reason the Exile could not follow Revan was well said, and the angst that follows well done.

One of the Picks for this week.


PreKOTOR: A battle fought and lost

The piece was simple, elegant, and a bit confusing. But at the same time it was an excellent piece of work.

There is no death,there is the force
Revan Sama

After TSL: You must have something beyond that goal…

The piece is well done, the idea simple, yet elegantly portrayed. The end was aq surprise only if you didn’t read what I commented above…

One of the Picks for this week.

Fall to Darkness

KOTOR, start of dark side ending: What does Revan really see when the fall happens.

The piece is wonderful, short and disturbing. It has hints insanity in there well done.

One of the Picks for this week.

With this one I have gone through the Dark Side Male Revan category. As with the Light Female Revan I will check back every week to keep up with them

But now it’s light side Female Exile time…


TSL: In flashbacks and comments to others, the Exile’s past is revealed.

The story flows smoothly, the subject matter well defined and delivered. The idea of a Jedi trying to explain how he made an engine explode accidentally was choice.

Too often, even in my own work, we see the characters as stolid adults either trying to right the wrongs they have committed, or saving the Galaxy from another. We tend to forget that these were kids at one time or another.

A Reprise Pick of the Week.

Understanding and Loyalty

The period right before the end of the Mandalorian Wars: A lover’s triangle finds itself part of yet another triangle.

The style is well done, the work well worth reading. The idea that a man whose love is unrequited may be doing the same to another is not new, but is very well portrayed. One of the best short pieces I have read in the last year.

And Loyalty where I said;

The Exile during the end of the Mandalorian War; How do you deal with someone changed so radically by war?

An extremely short piece that follows the above one. The inner turmoil of what to do when a friend has changed drastically by a war will reach to any of us that have had to deal with that aftermath.

Reprise Picks of the Week.

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile

Last edited by machievelli; 01-26-2008 at 10:32 AM. Reason: typos
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