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Old 02-08-2008, 11:35 AM   #773
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Posts: 2,874
Current Game: Dungeonseige series
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Coruscant Entertainment Center

Cat woman
Lord Nihilus

PreKOTOR: How Juhani fell to the darkside.

The piece has some problems; first, dream sequences are usually in separate paragraphs. Second; the piece didn’t give us a lot to get into.

You have some chops, kid. Let’s see them in something longer.

Welcome aboard

Children of the Jedi

Set in the post KOTOR universe: Preparing for the next conflict.

The writing is good, but needs some polishing. Others have addressed any other problem.

There was one thing that bothered me, but since I IM the author on occasion, I found out this was intentional. The calm before the storm of the first chapter was good.

Pick of the week.

Darth Nihilus Chapter # 1:Hunger for life
Lord Nihilus

PreTSL: The death of Katarr and Visas’ capture

I was getting irate with this piece until it hit me:

Our friend doesn’t speak English that well.

So taking that into account, remember to have paragraph breaks when the subject changes. The average size of a paragraph is only about three to five sentences. A subject changes when perspective changes as well.

The basic idea is good; it just needs a bit of polish and editing.


Benna Kioba

Post KOTOR, but no definite dating: Carth says goodbye, and hello.

What can I say? The piece was like a portrait by a master. The scene well defined, the situation perfect, every word and phrase making the scene more exact and poignant.

Pick of the week.


TSL after Onderon civil war; Sometimes you have to just take the chance.

A brief look at the relationship between a female exile and Atton that was well done and give enough mental interplay that it was an enjoyable read. The best line has been commented on in the note above, but it was still a giggle.

Dinah Lance

TSL after Onderon civil war; A peek into trhe Exile’s past.

Forgive me for missing this however that happened Dinah. A well-done piece with enough explanation to keep everything coherent. Well done.

Angel of Mercy

TSL on Malachor: Atton reminisces about his time spent with the exile.

It’s a couple (of) lovers, kid. That said, there is nothing I can say about this that hasn’t already been said by those who have commented already. Excellent work, and good in depth studies of each incident make me wish I had time to read it all.

Pick of the Week.

Exiled No Longer

End of TSL: As the Exile sinks into a coma, the crew considers what she has become to them

The piece is excellent writing. The way each deals with the situation fits the characters very well, and having all of them help makes it that much more interesting.

Pick of the week.

Truly Wonderful is the Mind of a Child

Some time after TSL: You should be careful with your criticism…

I enjoyed this primarily because I have dealt with this kind of teacher before, and the way the ‘child’ took care of her problem was not only unique but downright hilarious.

Pick of the week.

Not the Other Way Around (Chapter 1)
Darth Arwen

The rescue of Master Vrook: Sometimes nothing goes right…

I agree with the other comments that you showed the antipathy between the characters very well. The scene is well laid out, and well done.

Lost in Transition, Chapter One

After TSL: The reunion between Revan and the Exile

The scene is well done and has a nice gritty feel, a perfect place for the meeting portrayed. The interplay shows the pain both feel about the past

The only problem I saw is one I got dinged for when I tried to sell a story back in the 70s. The editor who read it rejected it because it was set in an inn. As he pointed out (Belabored actually) it’s a stock scene everyone falls back on. So if you decide to actually sell something, remember that.

At the End of All Things, Ch. 1

End of TSL: After the climactic battle is fought, the team ponders the nature of the force and what is to come.

The others said it already, but I’m going to say it myself. Wonderful work, the interplay excellent, the discussions while reminiscent of the scene in KOTOR is done in such a way that anyone who plays both would get a new perspective of the same question.

Pick of the week

'To argue with those who have renounced the use and authority of reason is as futile as to administer medicine to the dead.' Now who said that?

From the one who brought you;
What we die for...
KOTOR excerpts
Star Wars: The Beginning
Star Wars: Republic Dawn
Return From Exile
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